Internalized Transphobia (TW)

[Drake]

(Transphobia trigger warning) Heavy topic today, but how did you guys cope with internalized transphobia (if you ever experienced it?) I grew up in an environment where trans people were sort of a joke. ("Caitlyn Jenner's not a woman. I wouldn't be a turtle just because I say I'm a turtle." - Quote my dad) Anyways, I'm trying to get out of that environment, but I struggle with a lot of transphobia towards myself and other people. I've looked at trans people before like they were "wannabes." (I know it's inflammatory. The rhetoric is ingrained in my psyche, though.) It's funny how I'm out to close friends and go by my chosen name and pronouns with them. I even have a girlfriend and easily fall into the my stereotypical chosen gender role with her, yet I still have lots of doubts and intrusive thoughts. Every day I wake up and try to convince myself that I'm not just playing pretend or dress up. I honestly don't wanna be that jerk person. It just affects me and my thoughts towards other people as well. 

[Jackie C.]

Oh, don't fall into the stereotypical gender role. Stereotypical dudes are just the worst. At least from the perspective of a very gay trans-woman. ?

 

Also, hey @Drake! (I can't believe nobody took that already, cool name.) Welcome to Transpulse!

 

So yeah. Greetings from being raised in the Midwest in 70's. We're like the deep south, but scale it back about 20%.

 

It's easy to doubt yourself really. I think it's pretty common. I remember growing up and telling myself, "You like women, you must be a guy" even while I struggled with presenting myself as a guy and using my plastic doll smile while I suffered through "guy talk." It took forever for me to accept why I didn't fit in and why I was miserable.

 

So how did I put it behind me. When my egg cracked I was DONE pretending. Period. I told myself not one more day and I embraced it. I've had people tell me, "You can't be trans because you're chivalrous." There's been other nonsense, but that one sticks out. "You can't be a woman if you look out for other women," I think says more about the speaker than it does about me, yeah? I've had people tell me that I can't be trans because I wasn't girly enough as a child. "They would have seen signs!" Like the earth was supposed to open up, a black goat emerges and spits out a golden tablet that says, "Guess what? It's a girl!"

 

Before I go on a rant. The secret is loving and accepting yourself. I fought being who I actually am for... oh hey, exactly twice long as you are old before I just couldn't take it anymore. The struggle nearly killed me. If I hadn't gotten to know Jackie, we'd only be able to talk with a Ouija board if you get my meaning. It turns out that she's pretty cool. I'm much happier being me than that other guy.

 

The bottom line is that you need to be you. Forcing yourself to put on a mask to go about your day is super harmful. You may lose friends and family members, but the new ones you find along the way are probably better because they love you for you.

 

So again, welcome to the party. Lovely to meet you. We're glad you're here.

 

Hugs!

[Drake]

Lol stereotypical cismen can be some of the worst peopIe out there. ? I haven't gotten too far into it. My girlfriend still puts makeup on me sometimes. I still try to be fun and never get too far stuck up my ass. It's funny you should mention the Deep South, because I happen to live in the actual setting of Forrest Gump (rural Alabama.)

I'm really having to mentally prepare myself for losing some important relationships, but I think I'll be okay. I'm working two jobs now and moving out has come into the picture. Whew!

Anyway, that was really helpful. There seriously are a million tiny little doubts plaguing me. Maybe Satan will eventually give me his blessing lol.

Anyways, it's good to be on board.

[Jackie C.]

Dudes can totally wear makeup. "Guyliner" is a thing. No shame in looking your best.

 

Honestly, I grew up in a super-conservative monied community (we had one African American in my graduating class. He was adopted). Now I live closer to Detroit and things are a lot more cosmopolitan. That said, I can drive for an hour and hit places where the job prospects are Walmart, welfare and cooking meth. Things there are all "God, -something- and guns!" (I can never remember what the middle thing is. It's probably horrible.) I can drive for a half hour in a different direction and find gay and trans enclaves. I can say where I live now, most people I interact with know that I'm trans. Nobody cares and I'm fine with that.

 

You never know about those relationships. My parents reacted in exactly the opposite way that I'd have expected. Rose colored glasses when I actually sat down and thought about it. For example; nobody who is OK with the LGBT+ community would say, "You smell like a fairy!" or, you know, refer to a homosexual male as a fairy in the first place. Still, moving out before you let the parents know is safer. Especially if you suspect one of them may turn violent.

 

I'm glad I could be helpful. That's what we strive for here and I'm kind of having a day so kind words are much appreciated. ?

 

Blessings of the Spider Goddess upon you. She smells better than Satan. ? Also people look at you funny when you bring up deities you invented yourself. Letting them figure out if you're serious Great fun.

 

Hugs!

[DeeDee]

Hi Drake, for me my internalised transphobia was the sort that let me be supportive of everyone else, and see that they were much happier after coming to terms with their gender but I just could not apply the same rule to myself.

Part of my questioning process has revolved around the acknowledging that the me pretending to be a normal cis man is pretending and wearing a costume but also questioning my need to alter my voice resonance and wear a wig to interact in public without being stared out, I didn't want to swap one mask for another.

It has taken a combination of time, counselling and conversations with folks here for me to only recently get to a point where I know I am convinced that moving forwards is the right path for me. I don't need clothes to be DeeDee here, I am how I type, that is very real.

The bigoted rhetoric was never one I believed and actually has zero basis in either biology or biblical understanding if you research into it (I had to)

If the pronouns and interaction with your friends and girlfriends feel right and not like a stage play than keep on going; you must be doing something right. John Wayne, Bruce Willis, Chris Hemsworth and the Rock all wear/wore makeup all the time. I doubt anyone would call them a derogatory name to their face.

[Ethereal]

I still have a bit of internalised transphobia within me as well as internalised homophobia. I don't accept myself as a real homosexual male because I didn't have a cisgender experience and because there are gay guys who aren't attracted to FtM at all. Some aren't kind about it and this triggered dysphoria for me.

 

I once made a comment without thinking and got called homophobic which deeply scarred me, too, because I don't want to be prejudiced towards anyone, and it would be hypocritical for me to be homophobic.

 

I am a trans man who also grew up in a conservative environment, and I grew up hearing transphobic jokes. I even laughed at them.

My family, even after I came out of the closet, doesn't accept me very well and mocks me, so there are times where I hate being transgender.

I'm not a stereotypical FtM either since I don't want to present overly masculine. I also like makeup.

I feel out of place in the FtM community. Most of the trans guys I know identified as lesbians before they figured out their gender identity. I seem to have almost nothing in common with them, which doesn't help the feelings of isolation and alienation.

 

I tried getting back to living as a woman but it didn't work out - I was only trying to fool myself.

I had an epiphany that I really am a man no matter if I transitioned or not. And I'll have to accept my trans body.

 

It took me a while for me to get comfortable with male pronouns. Before I came out, when I presented as male online, I feared being "found out as a girl" and called out as an impostor.

 

But now I've relaxed. The only issue I have is that I don't pass very well yet so I have to make an effort to look more masculine. After my transition, I won't care too much.

 

It's better to live as ourselves than pretend to be something we are not.

[Jackie C.]

6 hours ago, Ethereal said:

I once made a comment without thinking and got called homophobic which deeply scarred me, too, because I don't want to be prejudiced towards anyone, and it would be hypocritical for me to be homophobic.

 

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about this. We've all said things we regret. Especially while we're trying to fit in with the crowd or hide our true selves from others. You realize you did something wrong, feel remorse and you won't do it again. That's the best you can really do.

 

I wouldn't worry about your presentation too much either. I saw in another post that you started just last October. T is powerful stuff. By October 2021 people won't be able to tell you from a cis-man so long as you're wearing pants and a binder.

 

Well, a young cis-man anyway. I hear a lot of complaints about FtMs being identified as much younger than they actually are.

 

Hugs!

[Sabine]

Internalized transphobia turned out to be THE sticking point for my entire life. The worst part is that I did not believe or realize that I was transphobic. That you know you are is a huge step in the right direction because you can see where and how it manifests itself in you, and adjust accordingly. For me it echoes of DeeDee's problem with going from one mask to another, it held me back for a disturbingly long time... BUT! Then, also like other posters, I came to realize that I AM already female. Always have been. I am not "waiting" for something, I simply AM something already.

This allowed me to understand where my transphobia was coming from: I was "weird," or something, but it coldn't be real (?), Then when the realization hits... wow! I am not at all weird, and it is real, I am very very real!

So be patient with yourself, you will get where you need, in the meantime allow forgiveness to yourself for being judgemental or harsh or feeling mean. (That is when you want to hit the gym!).

Also note: Sometimes our internalized transphobia will lessen, and we suddenly seem to accept ourselves, only to spin back into doubt and frustration. This cycle is well... not super great... But one day one of those shifts becomes seismic and you will know that there is no egg, no closet left to go back to, and the internalized transphobia dies on that day.

Good luck!

S

[Delcina B]

 

Ethereal

Posted January 16

"...

It's better to live as ourselves than pretend to be something we are not."

 

Ethereal, This is so true! For so long I denied, pushed down my feminine feelings. Even buying into the insanity that I was evil & sinful. I was created just the way I am & today I'm happy with my femme, even ecstatic at times. Where & how far the journey will go, who knows. Delcina's story is still being scripted.

 

(I just realized this post has been here for a bit. I guess it goes to show sometimes leftovers still taste good & sometimes better.)

 

Hugs!

Delcina