As a male i'm heavily leaning into typical female behaviour

[Orzeszek00]

Hello.

 

Thank you in advance for reading the whole thing - it took me a while to get it done. Also, i do apologize for any incorrect sentences - not a native speaker. I've been asking about this on a different forums too, to get different points of view - hope that's okay.

 

To be honest, I don't know how to start. Maybe at the beginning I'll say that it's important for me, because time flies through my fingers - months or even years when nothing changes. Under no circumstances is it a topic created for the purpose of provocation or ridicule, so I ask people who treat such matters mockingly not to respond.

 

Maybe at the beginning I will describe myself a bit. I am currently 24 years old, very short and incredibly slim. The type of beauty I have is frankly misleading, because although I am biologically a man, it happened so often that someone mistook me for a woman.

 

Since I graduated from elementary school and entered junior high school, my problems began. I still went to primary school in my hometown, but as a result of the split in my family I moved elsewhere. The change of environment, new friends among whom I could not find myself - all this made me run away into four walls and a computer, or at least then it seemed to me like that's the reason.

 

As the years went by, I was increasingly analyzing my alienation, running away from people. It even happened that the simplest things made me unwilling to get out of bed. While it was still okay in middle school, I completely cut myself off in high school. I avoided my friends by entering into conflicts, I often ran away from school lying to my parents that I was late for the bus or came back after a few hours claiming that we had been let from school earlier.

 

I've mentioned this period of my life because then I noticed strange tendencies i've started having. Throughout high school I wore long hair. Although my friends have been mocking me for this, I did not particularly care about it. It was also worrying that I didn't seen any sense in dating during the whole middle and high school. I wasn't completely interested in it, because all the time I felt that I was missing something more important.

To get to the heart of the matter.

I'm 24 years old now, and I recently resigned from college. But if seems to me like it all started years ago, around time I've turned 18.

 

I mentioned earlier that I had long hair in high school. In fact, I have had long hair all the time since I finished high school and there were moments when I asked for typically female hairstyles when going to the hairdresser, which was incomprehensible to my family. My mother, seeing me in such a haircut, didn't really comment, but she seemed surprised. In fact, I have this love for women's hairstyles until now. (so it's been going on for about 6 years now).

 

At first I ignored it, explaining that "this is just my style". The problem, however, is that the last two years (from the christmas of 2018) I started to go in a strange direction. When browsing through online stores or even stationary stores I looked at women's clothes much more often and willingly. I also often bought small elements of wardrobe, such as socks or beanies typical of women - colored, in hearts etc.

 

I'll immediately point out that this is not a fetish. I do not interpret it in anyway sexually. I have never been attracted to wearing women's clothes in that way, disguises or such things. Frankly speaking, since finishing high school I completely lost interest in sex and relationships. In principle, I don't even practice masturbation (I do it sporadically, of course, but only for fear that sexual abstinence may lead to illnesses). If I am to be honest, sex in life does not motivate me at all.

 

Last year was a breakthrough for me. I moved out of my family home, rented an apartment and took up a really cool job. Throughout high school and middle school I have been vegetating at home without any friends or hobbies, so I thought that when I move out of my comfort zone, I will meet new people, everything will change. You know, I thought that I would open up to new things and naturally move away from these "quirks".

 

Unfortunately, the problem is that my fascination after i've moved out has only increased. It happened that I ordered some clothes over the Internet and started to do make up. Recently I've completely dressed up as a girl, got a full makeup and as i've been standing in front of the mirror I started to have negative thoughts about myself. The standard - that I'm a freak, that I'm wasting money and time, that I should seek professional help and that it's perverted.

As I mentioned earlier - it has no sexual context. I'm not sexually charged at all while doing those things.

I just feel better, more comfortable. Playing such a "female role" at home gives me a sense of comfort.

As a result, I started to analyze a lot and came to the conclusion that I have done similar things in the past, maybe I will explain. Earlier I mentioned that in high school I was running away into computer games and the Internet. It was during my adventures in forums or online games that I most often pretended to be a woman, or played female characters. That happened even when i've been a teenager, so around 12 to 16 years old.

 

I didn't enjoy lying to people, but I felt good when someone thought I was a woman. I also remember that in my childhood years, even before moving to another city, I used to sneak up to my mother's and sister's wardrobe and began to try their dresses on when I was alone at home.

I was maybe 7 or 8 years old at that time, so it wasn't a fetish, because I hadn't discovered this part of my life at that age. Again - I felt better then, although I don't remember that period very well. I remember, however, that i've been doing it quite frequently.

 

Now, as I mentioned, I am already 24 years old, I have a group of good friends and a job - theoretically well arranged life, and yet even today, browsing through black friday offers I consciously browse through women's clothes. Honestly, if I could, I would wear them every day. As I mentioned, it is not about anything unusual(I am not talking about underwear), but about ordinary things like shoes, pants or jackets.

 

I just don't feel comfortable with who I am and how I look. I do not like what I see in the mirror. 

Already in high school I used to buy colorful T-shirts or blouses with flowers, which of course was commented on by friends in a way "I think you stole this blouse from your sister", but back then nobody took it seriously.

 

To sum up, I think I may have some personality disorder. This has been going on for too long and i can't no longer think that this is some strange period that will pass.

 

Whenever someone mistakes me for a woman, it makes me feel good, and in theory it shouldn't. For many years I have also been interested in transgender people's stories - I watch their channels on youtube, follow social media etc. In fact, since I was 20 years old I have often thought for myself whether my life wouldn't be better if I decided on such therapy.

 

In such a situation, would it be best to go and see some kind of specialist, like a psychologist, or maybe a sexologist? I'm honestly very anxious when it comes to revealing this to anybody "face to face", but i think it would be the right step.

I've been seriously thinking about therapy for about 2 years now, but im always thinking to myself "what if that ""specialist"" won't care enough to actually help me".

 

I dont know. People are really judgemental and i guess it scares me to the point im paralyzed by that fear.

 

Again, thanks for reading the entire thing. If you have any comments or similar experiences - please share. I think it would help me to know im not alone. Also, if you have any further questions, feel free to ask. I'm confortable to talk about everything.

 

Thanks.

[VickySGV]

This is not to put you down, but to reassure you, that your story is very common on these forums.  It has elements that most of us have experienced over our lives and have dealt with.  There is no single right way to deal with these things, and I hope we can share our experiences with you, and you can use the ones best for your life.  Welcome to the Forums.

[Jackie C.]

What @VickySGV said. The fact that doing these things makes you feel good means you're probably somewhere on the trans spectrum. Welcome to the club! While we're all unique, parts of your story resonate very strongly with me. I had a lot of the same behaviors. It just took me longer to get to the, "Yeah, I should probably do something about this," stage.

 

You should definitely hook up with a gender therapist. They'll help you figure out what path going forward will help you to feel more comfortable in your own skin.

 

I see that your political landscape is a bit challenging to the LGBTQ+ community and trans individuals in particular. I wish you nothing but good luck on your journey and you can always count on us for support.

 

Hugs!

[Guest]

Welcome to Trans Pulse Orzeszek: As others have already said, parts (many parts) of your story resonate with me too. I would second what Jackie C. wrote about seeing a gender therapist if such a professional would be available to you where you live. My personal experience has been that a therapist, or a psychologist, who is not experienced in working with clients who have gender-related concerns can do more harm than good. So, to me at least, it is wise to be cautious. But it's also important to seek professional support with your concerns. So just take your time & find the right therapist for you. It can sometimes take a few tries to find that "right professional for you". You may have to "kiss a few frogs" before you find a good match. But just keep trying. Okay? Best wishes... ☺️ 

[Orzeszek00]

Hello.

 

Thanks a lot @Jackie C. @Overalls Bear @VickySGV

 

That's actually my biggest concern. I've looked into it today and there are some specialists in my City that have been working on that field. I might get an appointment soon to see how thats gonna go. 

 

But yea, im afraid that it might do more harm than good. I guess something that's worth having won't come easy, so i have to take a first step.

 

Its really reassuring to know its a good step. Gives me a lot of motivation, so thank you for that.

[Ivy]

Welcome Orzeszek.

I would agree with what has already been said.

Your story has much in common with a lot of people here, including myself.

[Jani]

Hello and welcome.  First, your written word is very good, so no fears there.  I'm glad you found us and joined.  When I was young, up to 18/19 in fact I was very slender and small in stature as well and in the later years I wore my hair long.  I was often confused with being female.  

 

When I was young I considered that I had some personality disorder too but that was never the case.  I am normal as they come.  Now that I am showing the world the true me this is more true.  

 

I do think a therapist will be of value.  And yes they do care enough to help you.  My therapist was the most wonderful person I could have had as a counselor.  This is their vocation, to help.  I would seek out a Gender Therapist, a specialist.  A degreed psychologist isn't necessarily important.  My counselor was a Licensed Mental Health Clinician (LMHC) and you may find more availability with this certification.  

 

Please join in the conversation.  All my best to you.

Jani   

[Orzeszek00]

@Jani

Thank you so much. That's very kind.

 

Also, i do appreciate your advice. I guess you are right, i'm sure most of the people working on that field are people of passion, who deeply care about their job and well being of their patients.

 

I'm gonna make some calls after the weekend. I hope i'll be able to start doing something about it by the end of the year. I won't rush anything tho. Wanna make sure i'm gonna work with right person.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Orzeszek00 said:

I'm gonna make some calls after the weekend. I hope i'll be able to start doing something about it by the end of the year. I won't rush anything tho. Wanna make sure i'm gonna work with right person

 

That's a good plan. The right person makes all the difference. Best of fortune with your search!

 

Hugs!