Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

And so it begins....


cananna

Recommended Posts

Hello everyone, this is my first real post on the forum. And i think this must be the first time that i actually try and express my feelings about my gender on paper.
I'll start by saying that i'm 26, male, bisexual. I have a thick black beard and long blond hair, and i love them both.
All my life i struggled to get along with the boys, but i never really had a group of girl friends either. I've always done theater, from a very young age, so costumes and make-up never seemed like a big deal, and i've always enjoyed them. In high school i even had a phase where i would wear red eyeliner sometimes.
 I never really had a problem with my pronouns, or my name, untill recently. But sometimes i do feel like a woman, or at least feminine. But other times i definately feel like a man. And other times i don't really know the definition of the two, so i'm just confused.
I don't really know what that makes me, and i'm not even sure that i want to find a label for myself.
I think the worst part about it is the fact that i'm convinced, deep down, that i'm faking it for the attention. It doesn't make much sense rationally, but go tell that to my guts.

I feel guilty about my privilege, i keep thinking that there are other people much more in need than me, and that guilt paralizes me, and it's a shield to avoid really talking to myself about what the issue is.
I don't think i'm capable of avoiding this talk, not anymore. It's exausting. So i'm here. Looking for someone who would talk with me about this. I feel like i'm at the beginning of a long and difficoult journey, and i think i'm a little scared of doing it alone.

 

Thanks for reading me, ❤️

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

Thank you for your  post and the honesty it contains.  I once loved twirling the ends of my blond mustache and yet i knew i had other aspects to my identity.  All through my life there were periods when questioning, doubt, shame  and fear came to the surface.   At that point there were no places to open up safely.  I did try but quickly went back into a shell.  The openness here helped me find a place where i knew others shared my fears and where i saw examples of folks who were on a path to living their true selves.  I was advised to get therapy.  I did.  Between that and my time here i've found peace.  It is rarely easy but i know i found it well worth the effort.

I was told by one member that she had my back.  Somehow simply knowing she was able to be herself was a powerful assist.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to post
  • 1 month later...
HaraSurya

I can definitely relate. I'm a 42yo man who usually wears some sort of facial hair and has no issue with presenting masculine and using male pronouns in real life, but lately I've found myself deeply connecting to a female character I write fiction about and present as online. (I have a suspicion I've been working through a lot of my own gender-identity anxieties through her as a proxy.)

 

I couldn't tell you how often I've felt I've done something traditionally masculine for no other reason than putting on a front. Meanwhile, I enjoy lots of traditionally female things that I've had to keep secret on some level because I worked in education for a few years. (One time the openly lesbian principal at a school discovered some of that aspect online and told me I needed to do a better job keeping them separate for professional reasons.)

 

I can also relate as never feeling like "one of the guys." I get along better with women and with older people in general. I don't like most sports (baseball is OK). I like video games but not the kind "guys" are normally into. Most of my male role models growing up had, and still have, a gentle type of masculinity. (Very soft spoken, non-aggressive and thoughtful.) I find "toxic masculinity" to be both scary and hilarious at the same time since it's usually backed by insecurity and fear.

Link to post
  • 2 weeks later...
Droomvlucht
On 12/5/2020 at 12:15 PM, cananna said:

I don't really know what that makes me, and i'm not even sure that i want to find a label for myself.
I think the worst part about it is the fact that i'm convinced, deep down, that i'm faking it for the attention. It doesn't make much sense rationally, but go tell that to my guts.

 

This is very recognisable for me. Thanks for sharing. How are you doing now? 

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   13 Members, 0 Anonymous, 67 Guests (See full list)

    • Delcina B
    • CD Rachel
    • KimmieElise
    • VickySGV
    • KymmieL
    • Betty K
    • Rania
    • DeeDee
    • Jackie C.
    • Tasha Marie
    • Myles97
    • Samantha2020
    • Mmindy
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      73,365
    • Total Posts
      675,617
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      8,166
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Becca-beans
    Newest Member
    Becca-beans
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • VickySGV
      They are looking for some small victories to swat at Biden as if sticking their tongues out for a raspberry.  
    • Tasha Marie
      @JandiYes physicals are a pain but at least now I know and they can’t stop me now. Now my employer could but I’ll have to cross that bridge whe I come to it.
    • Rania
      What is the correct way to use IPL at home , Once a week , starting from D 2 ,  then in each month 1 degree is added ?    thank you for sharing this information 
    • VickySGV
      Hi Jayne, I used to be in Sacramento every few weeks when I was a State Employee (I had not come out then and did not dress when I went to a few Trans friendly places there in town).  We do not have any active residents of Sacramento here just now so I would be surprised if you found anyone here going to the clubs at all.  I am sorry to have to give that news.  Here is to hoping they will be open and moving again in a month as I have heard rumored.
    • AgnesBardsie
      Love this discussion. Myles, great question. It's very important to probe these sort of anxieties, and I agree with you about not drawing boxes too tight! We don't fit into nice neat little boxes! You have to be comfortable in your own skin.   Like Kathy said, once you accept your own skin, you stop asking the question, and that helps with the confidence issue. 
    • Jackie C.
      Aww, thank you! Melty heart.   Hugs!
    • ElizabethStar
      Too scary close to the story of my life. 
    • Myles97
      @Jackie C.your dad sounds amazing. I am so glad you have him!! I hope that your mom comes around eventually, but if not I am sure you know that she is the one missing out. From what I know about you so far, you are a wonderful soul!! I am hoping my mom will respond like your dad did. I think I am going to tell her tomorrow. I was originally going to tell her last night, but that didn’t work out. 
    • Mmindy
      Raw foods cause weight gain? Who knew, okay I could see that with sweet fruits such as pineapples🍍and peaches🍑. Raw vegetables are always touted as great for you.    We we all get discouraged when we hit a weight loss plateau, and seem to hover at the same weight even though we're eating and exercising. Warmer weather is on the way and opportunities to get out and walk will be easier.    Hugs, best wishes and stay positive,   Mindy🐛🌈🦋
    • Willow Farmer
      Never seen that before.   So good, thank you Jandi
    • Jackie C.
      I got, "You're just confused," "It's the medication we gave you when you were little," and "You probably just have low T, it's hormonal."   I'd say that the trick is to have data from a professional to back you up, but I got, "They're a member of a predatory trans-business pipeline out to take your money." Paraphrased. I don't speak crazy as fluently as I'd like.   Before you find that discouraging, that was only half my parental units. Dad said, "I didn't realize you were so unhappy. I'm sorry and I want you to know that I'll still love you the same no matter what." Dad is getting cookies for his birthday. I don't talk to my mother anymore.   Hugs!
    • Bri2020
      Very cute! I'm with Jackie, more lavender needed in my collection as well  
    • Myles97
      Thank you @Jackie C. And @KathyLaurenfor sharing your timeline and experiences. I totally agree that is cis-dominated spaces us trans folks do feel the need to make ourselves seem confident and certain. I am worried myself that any lack of confidence may translate to my parents that I am “just going through a phase” or whatever they try to say when I come out. I have never had much confidence in general, but I am trying to not scare myself out of following what I know will make me happy. Thank y’all again for normalizing self doubt.
    • Willow Farmer
      Enigma went away after that cup of tea.   I switched to something a little something old and a bit more up beat.  I like finding odd old songs I have pushed back and forgotten until my female brain has gone digging.   What are good 60's  70's songs that are somewhat lost and hardly ever played?    
    • Jayna
      I checked in to my room and wasting time before my last laser treatment, hope to see someone tonight hanging out at the clubs.   
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...