Info for someone who has not yet came out.

[Princess-audra]

little back ground, I am currently male, seeing a therapist, and planning to go on hormones for mtf. I am wonder on how the coming out process was for those who have came out here, weather it is for work, family, and friends. Where I work at we make lead-acid batteries and have to take showers with special soap for lead removal. The showers are in the men's and women's locker rooms. I am looking for a bit of info on that as well, mainly some are, lack of a better term, old fashioned or likes to find something to complain about. I did find that PDF to employers that someone found a wile ago, so I will use that when the time comes. I know I wont win everyone over, but a few family members seem to have dropped a few hints on that is ok, and one of them I was a bit more worried about than the others.

 

Sorry if that seemed a bit everywhere, but if needed I can try and make this a bit more clearer.

[Audrey]

Dear @Princess-audra,

 

I too am early in my transition and have been quite anxious and selective about who I've come out to. Among my cisgender friends I've come out to, two have been extremely understanding and accepting, and one other took the news quite a bit rougher. You are right that you won't "win" everyone over, but if you're being true to yourself, you'll probably feel much better after coming out instead of feeling like you are hiding something all of the time. For the first time coming out, I choose my most trusted friend who I've known forever - it was still hard to do, and I went over what I would say and how I would say it in my mind a hundred times, and worried that the worst would happen. But it didn't, and now I feel closer to her than ever before. If you're never come out to anyone you personally know before, a longtime friend might be a good person to start with and easier than someone you work with or in your family.

 

It's good you are looking into what coming out might be like at your workplace and finding out what protections you would have if and when you do decide to come out there. I'm also not out at work yet, but I anticipate that the time will approach sometime in 2021 where I will need to do something soon before my hormone therapy does it for me. I'm on the lookout for who might be the best ally in my gossip-prone workplace, not an easy task. I hope you can find someone at your workplace whom you could trust, whether a colleague, supervisor, or HR. As for family, I'm happy to hear that you're sensing some of them will be accepting of you when you do decide to come out to them.

 

Wishing you the best as you take this important step on your journey!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Mmindy]

@Princess-audraYou're asking a great question here, and there will be many different responses. I came out to my wife back in the Spring and she went 0 to 60 ANGRY storming out of the house and outing me to our two grown children and their spouses. It was one of the roughest times in my life. My son and daughter-in-law said they supported me, however didn't want be to out myself to their children yet. They also said they didn't want to see me in flamboyant drag queen clothing. My daughter and son-in-law were quick to call me and ask what pronouns I wanted to use. My wife learned that her support of the LGBTQ community was only a casual support, and once it entered her home she was bigoted. We have since worked things out and can openly discuss our feeling. What was the worst thing to happen when I came out to my wife? She hatefully outed me to our children. What was the best thing to happen after I came out? She outed me to our children and in spite of her anger they accepted me.

 

Go slow, listen to what others have to say about this.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Benji C]

From my experience most people are accepting but some arent so be careful who you decide to come out to... if they are openly bigoted its probably not a good idea.... I'm pretty sure you're an adult but still coming out to family might be difficult... I would recommend first coming out to people you know will accept you so you know what it's like and arent as nervous afterwards.... I wish you luck ?

[Princess-audra]

Thanks for all the responses so far. I have only come out to one person so far, someone is is transgender themselves, just to find out if the local LGBT group had started backup the meetings for heir trans group. Sadly they are not yet. ? 

[KathyLauren]

I came out about 4 years ago.  First to my wife.  That was pretty scary, and it took me months to work up the courage to do so.  But she took it well, and is my biggest supporter.  About an hour later, I came out to my next-door neighbour, who works with LGBTQ+ kids, and is a great resource person.

 

Coming out in the community went well.  I got up in front of the weekly coffee group and just told them that I was transitioning.  There were a few shocked looks, but I was pretty well accepted.  I was a little bit worried about coming out to the volunteer fire department, of which I was a member.  They tend to be a bit rednecky.  But we have legal protections here that apply to fire departments, so they had no choice but to be accepting.  It went pretty well.

 

I can see that your workplace is going to be a bit tricky, with the mandatory showers.  I hope they are understanding and will make allowances for you.

 

Good luck, whenever you decide to do it.

[Susan R]

On 12/6/2020 at 1:18 PM, Audrey said:

I hope you can find someone at your workplace whom you could trust, whether a colleague, supervisor, or HR.

Hi @Princess-audra I think with coming out at work it is important to talk to everyone in the quote above. Also, if you’re union, you might talk to your shop steward to see what protections or lack thereof there are for you. You  could have some work to do before thinking of changing showers at work. You need to check the laws in your state in regards to using locker rooms, bathrooms and bathing facilities. In my state, it’s currently ok to use either bathroom that identifies with your gender. We have all gender bathrooms in many colleges here in Western WA.  Pre-covid at our local Y, I used the woman’s shower, sauna and locker room and had no issues whatsoever. Of course, because I’m still a pre-op trans woman, I had to use the shower stalls with curtains and walked in with my swim suit on. Your work shower situation may be more difficult to solve as a pre-HRT and pre-op.

 

Coming out styles and situations are as unique as the journey we’re on. I think it’s safe to say that gaining as many allies in the beginning is most important so those you most trust and who are most compassionate would be where I’d start. You have one right now and so before you speed things up, you might get a few more in each key area of your life..a few friends, a family member if possible, and maybe a close work friend. You can bounce off your upcoming plans and ideas with them as to your next move in these ongoing revelations. Get their feedback and advice and then decide to proceed or not.

 

Here are a few things I observed when I came out...

 

Predicting who would be accepting was a crapshoot. If I would’ve put money down on a few bets as to who would be accepting, I can tell you I’d be in the hole right now. Maybe I read people wrong but more were supporting than I ever imagined would be. A few people reacted exactly as I thought they would and a few I thought would never accept me...stunned me.

 

Another thing I noticed fairly early into coming out to people...reactions inevitably changed at least a little from their initial reactions. Some that were completely accepting came back with a few questions and seems a little unsure about things. Eventually, after spending time with them and letting them see I’m unchanged inside to a degree and harmless, even those people people came back to full acceptance. Other individuals who I came out to that did not accept me as Susan (and thankfully there were only a few) eventually came to a point of indifference after seeing it did not end life here on planet earth.

 

And lastly, Things may start to roller coaster once you start down that ‘coming out’ road. The timeline I set with my wife originally was about two years. I thought that would give me enough time to start to appear more feminine and would make it easier for others. Quickly I learned that this journey was not theirs, it was mine and I stopped worrying very quickly about how others would adopt my new persona and did what felt right and true for me. LOL, that 2 year timeline became 2 months and the rest is history.

 

I wish I had more for you but I can really only rely on my own experiences. I think after considering all the other replies you’ll be able to get some idea what your next step should be but it’s one you’ll make with a few good examples with what to expect. For many here, it was difficult only because of the uncertainty factor. Personally, I enjoyed it more than I thought I would and it was overall a more positive experience in the end. I’m sure you’re going to do just fine. I wish you the best of luck!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[DeeDee]

This is a great topic @Princess-audra, I have been fortunate and right in the middle of my panic I came out as questioning to my older sisters and then very quickly 2 groups of married long term friends, they were all supportive, as I became more certain of being trans I told my younger sisters and they seemed okay, then there was a massive gap and a few experiments, the eldest nieces and nephews found out and it wasnt a big deal, more recently I told another couple of close friends, and I am planning on telling my mum and then my other close friends. Work will be told once I have started hormones because it gives leeway before my intended social transition, legally I am protected but it is an awkward conversation to have, telling someone you are a woman when you still very much look and dress like a guy is just a hard thing to do. Though by now (even if you dont count thousands of internet strangers and friends) I have also told an electrologist, 3 therapists, a clinical doctor and at least 2 med students observing at the sexual health clinic where the GIC is based, saying it out loud gets easier every time, explaining it seems just as fumbled as that first time. I have searched for a "How to" guide and there just isn't one, you will feel what is right for you and when.

[Princess-audra]

On 12/13/2020 at 5:25 PM, Susan R said:

Hi @Princess-audra I think with coming out at work it is important to talk to everyone in the quote above. Also, if you’re union, you might talk to your shop steward to see what protections or lack thereof there are for you. You  could have some work to do before thinking of changing showers at work. You need to check the laws in your state in regards to using locker rooms, bathrooms and bathing facilities. In my state, it’s currently ok to use either bathroom that identifies with your gender. We have all gender bathrooms in many colleges here in Western WA.  Pre-covid at our local Y, I used the woman’s shower, sauna and locker room and had no issues whatsoever. Of course, because I’m still a pre-op trans woman, I had to use the shower stalls with curtains and walked in with my swim suit on. Your work shower situation may be more difficult to solve as a pre-HRT and pre-op.

 

Coming out styles and situations are as unique as the journey we’re on. I think it’s safe to say that gaining as many allies in the beginning is most important so those you most trust and who are most compassionate would be where I’d start. You have one right now and so before you speed things up, you might get a few more in each key area of your life..a few friends, a family member if possible, and maybe a close work friend. You can bounce off your upcoming plans and ideas with them as to your next move in these ongoing revelations. Get their feedback and advice and then decide to proceed or not.

 

Here are a few things I observed when I came out...

 

Predicting who would be accepting was a crapshoot. If I would’ve put money down on a few bets as to who would be accepting, I can tell you I’d be in the hole right now. Maybe I read people wrong but more were supporting than I ever imagined would be. A few people reacted exactly as I thought they would and a few I thought would never accept me...stunned me.

 

Another thing I noticed fairly early into coming out to people...reactions inevitably changed at least a little from their initial reactions. Some that were completely accepting came back with a few questions and seems a little unsure about things. Eventually, after spending time with them and letting them see I’m unchanged inside to a degree and harmless, even those people people came back to full acceptance. Other individuals who I came out to that did not accept me as Susan (and thankfully there were only a few) eventually came to a point of indifference after seeing it did not end life here on planet earth.

 

And lastly, Things may start to roller coaster once you start down that ‘coming out’ road. The timeline I set with my wife originally was about two years. I thought that would give me enough time to start to appear more feminine and would make it easier for others. Quickly I learned that this journey was not theirs, it was mine and I stopped worrying very quickly about how others would adopt my new persona and did what felt right and true for me. LOL, that 2 year timeline became 2 months and the rest is history.

 

I wish I had more for you but I can really only rely on my own experiences. I think after considering all the other replies you’ll be able to get some idea what your next step should be but it’s one you’ll make with a few good examples with what to expect. For many here, it was difficult only because of the uncertainty factor. Personally, I enjoyed it more than I thought I would and it was overall a more positive experience in the end. I’m sure you’re going to do just fine. I wish you the best of luck!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

Unfortunately I am on he company side and not the union. But, that is a good idea if I was in that position.

[Princess-audra]

2 hours ago, Princess-audra said:

Unfortunately I am on he company side and not the union. But, that is a good idea if I was in that position.

I have just fully read you post, the reason I am a bit worried about the shower situation is that I am not planning on the bottom surgery, just going to pick the apple off. I am pretty modest in that region. But I will check out some laws, hopefully that can be legible by a layperson. 

[Princess-audra]

On 12/13/2020 at 5:54 PM, DeeDee said:

This is a great topic @Princess-audra, I have been fortunate and right in the middle of my panic I came out as questioning to my older sisters and then very quickly 2 groups of married long term friends, they were all supportive, as I became more certain of being trans I told my younger sisters and they seemed okay, then there was a massive gap and a few experiments, the eldest nieces and nephews found out and it wasnt a big deal, more recently I told another couple of close friends, and I am planning on telling my mum and then my other close friends. Work will be told once I have started hormones because it gives leeway before my intended social transition, legally I am protected but it is an awkward conversation to have, telling someone you are a woman when you still very much look and dress like a guy is just a hard thing to do. Though by now (even if you dont count thousands of internet strangers and friends) I have also told an electrologist, 3 therapists, a clinical doctor and at least 2 med students observing at the sexual health clinic where the GIC is based, saying it out loud gets easier every time, explaining it seems just as fumbled as that first time. I have searched for a "How to" guide and there just isn't one, you will feel what is right for you and when.

I am planning on doing the same with work after the hormones. My family, I am thinking possibly around the same time. The internet, I don't count them, but the only person that I had came out to was someone I know on FB and notced she was on the local LGBT+ page and their trans group page, I came out to her just and to find out if they was still not meeting during the pademic.