Confusion About Transitioning

[Genny]

Hi,

 

I am  amab, I have lived my whole life as a man, and I’m 55, and am now feeling compelled to transition. I think of myself more as non-binary, but I want to become more feminine. I’ve started buying skirts and high heels, which I love, but haven’t braved wearing them publicly, though I do wear some feminine clothes and touches of feminine expression in public. I see a therapist who is very supportive but doesn’t specialize in gender therapy. I am working with a doctor and have been prescribed feminizing hormones, and I have them, but I haven’t started taking them yet. The idea of starting hormone therapy is so exciting to me, but I’m also scared and not sure if it’s really right for me to take that step. I feel so old, like I’m too old to make these changes, though I know many people my age do, and I shouldn’t let age hold me back. I sometimes think maybe I want instead to cross dress or think of myself as trans without using the hormones, but I don’t know. I haven’t felt my whole life that I wanted to be female, and yet I know I have flirted with transitioning for over 30 years. I don’t know if I have a question here. I guess my main question is about using estrogen and testosterone blockers. Does anyone have experience with starting and stopping? I guess I feel like I want to test the waters before committing to a permanent course of transitioning. When you start these hormones, do you get a sense, within a month or so, whether you like the changes and want to continue or not, if you were like me, confused and uncertain at first? I am discussing this with my therapist and my doctor too.

[Audrey]

Dear @Genny, welcome to TransPulse!

I think it's super important you speak with your doctor about your thoughts about taking hormones, especially if you sense you're having ambivalent feelings. I was there too before I began, wanting to be sure I was doing the right thing, and I very much relate to the excitement created by the possibility of hormones affirming one's gender identity. I met with my doctor several times and asked a hundred questions before I felt ready. Deciding to take them is a big step and can have permanent effects on your body. I believe you'll know when you feel ready physically and emotionally to start, and it's great you have the right support you need from your doctor, therapist, and others to do so with confidence.

I like that you've made gender expression and exploration such a uniquely personal experience for you. Transitioning means exactly what you want it to mean for you, and only you can decide what changes you will (or won't) make.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Genny.  You are not alone in wondering if physical transition is right for you, and you're doing the right thing by questioning yourself and asking questions of professionals, and now us.  This is a life changing decision and should not be taken lightly, and you're not.

 

If I can offer but one piece of advice it would be to seek out a gender therapist.  They should have specialized training as well as experience, and are usually, but not always, better equipped to guide you.  They also usually have contacts locally with doctors who are good with treating trans folk, and other necessary professionals like laser hair removal specialists, etc.  California has hundreds of G.T.'s, and even if you're in a rural area you can find some who do online therapy, including at the L.A. Gender Center, a place I'm very familiar with.  You can find other practitioners using our resource locator if you click HERE.

 

There are many here who started at your age, and much later.  I began my journey at the age of 55. I transitioned socially and legally two years later. Please check out the forums and post all your questions and comments.  We'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[KathyLauren]

Welcome, Genny.

 

You are certainly not too old to start a transition.  I started HRT at 62.

 

I have no experience with starting and stopping.  When I started, I was excited to do so and to find the real me.  After one month, I was starting to feel the first tinglings of growth in my breasts, and I knew it was the right course for me.

 

If you are ambivalent about it, then you should definitely talk to a gender therapist.  A generic therapist is better than nothing, but it really helps immensely if the therapist understands the issues that are unique to trans people.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Genny]

Thank you all for the feedback. I am going to seek a gender therapist.

[RobynNYC]

Hi! Late to the discussion but just because you start doesn’t mean you can’t press pause.  I was likewise very reluctant until a woman in one of my support groups mentioned she was on “low dose” HRT - about a quarter of a typical dose.  I’ve had amazing psychological benefits and the physical changes have been quite manageable, meaning only I and my spouse have noticed. 
 

happy to talk offline about this!

 

good luck!!!

 

-robyn

[Genny]

Thank you, Robyn. I am still in a place where I really want to begin the hormones. But there is still just some reluctance. I go back and forth trying to understand if I want to transition with or without the hormones. I think I may well start at a low dose at some point. I’m excited because I did find a gender therapist, and I’m going to begin seeing them this week. They seem like someone really good who I felt like I clicked with and who has a lot of experience with gender issues and working with people transitioning.

[RobynNYC]

Starting with therapy is the best thing I ever did.  And I was in therapy for over a year and a half before I started low dose.  For me, I don’t feel the burning need some do to transition, I just want to not feel miserable.  And that is what is leading me down this path.  I just FEEL better when I take steps down that path - removing body hair, recently laser hair removal, growing my hair ... I do feel less miserable and still present well as male.