Arggh! Trans-catch-22!

[Heather Nicole]

Just needed to rant a little...

 

Used to fret over "not feeling trans enough" or "dysphoric enough" despite having some trans-signs I wanted to figure out. More I think I figure out about myself, the more dysphoric I feel (and feeling totally unequipped for this new flavor of misery.) So, umm...yaay??? 

 

Hah, oh, well, I guess I always was a fan of irony...

[Heather Nicole]

Just wanna wrap/submerge myself in a nice cozy blanket of femininity and drift off to a weeklong escape into happy, sparkly girl-ville dreamland.

[Heather Nicole]

Where there's no adulting allowed!

[Jackie C.]

That... sounds lovely actually. Cozy blankets. Hot cocoa. Maybe a purring cat. Heaven.

 

Tragically, I'm off to the gym instead. My friend Ray promised me that if I worked my chest enough, it'll look like I have cleavage even if I don't. ?

 

Hugs!

[Gabriel]

2 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

Used to fret over "not feeling trans enough" or "dysphoric enough" despite having some trans-signs I wanted to figure out. More I think I figure out about myself, the more dysphoric I feel (and feeling totally unequipped for this new flavor of misery.) So, umm...yaay??? 

I hear you!!! Ain't it crazy?!?

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

That... sounds lovely actually. Cozy blankets. Hot cocoa. Maybe a purring cat. Heaven.

Hey, either guys love that too... or I'm even more messed up that I thought!!

(jocking, I totally know I'm not gonna lose many of my feminine traits and that is perfect for me. I'm gonna rock the gay transguy)

[Gabriel]

... mhhhh... without sparkles though...

... mhhhh... and not girly... more like... nerdy, bookish....

yeah. Now bring the blanket on  

[Audrey]

2 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

Just wanna wrap/submerge myself in a nice cozy blanket of femininity and drift off to a weeklong escape into happy, sparkly girl-ville dreamland.

Yes please... I would love this too! Especially on a cold morning like today.

I feel like the dysphoria comes and goes in waves for me as well, as I move forward on the first steps.of my transition... so I do relate. Like the other day, I found myself hating the sound of my own voice when talking with clients from work on the phone. It made me want to talk more quietly, try to talk more out of my chest, and eventually just not want to talk at all.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Gabriel]

1 hour ago, Audrey said:

I found myself hating the sound of my own voice

My voice is what makes me feel worse too. It just doesn't feel right. My internalized mannerism are as bad and sometimes even worse.

[DeeDee]

3 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

More I think I figure out about myself, the more dysphoric I feel

@Heather Nicole I am right here with you! Now I am accepting myself I resent having to dress up as the guy I have been pretending to be my whole life, yet this time last year I could go weeks without dressing, not so much now. sigh.

[2beBreanna]

On 12/9/2020 at 2:05 AM, Heather Nicole said:

 More I think I figure out about myself, the more dysphoric I feel

 Totally the same. It seems like the more I accept this truth more things pop up. 

 

Wrapping up in the blanket sounds great.  Just no cat for me.  I prefer my trusted old dog by my side.

[Heather Nicole]

Well, the metronome still continues to swing between "self-doubt" on one end and, on the other end, either "pain" or "I think this is dysphoria??". With occasional breif passes through the comfy "this is me" middle ground.

 

But on the average, I think I tend to be more confident in my trans-ness, despite the periodic "nah, I'm just imagining it, I mean look at me!"

 

I think I've at least managed to learn a little about me. Painful envy can be dysphoria, right? I think? If so, my dysphoria seems to have connections with both attraction and also fatigue. (Fatigue makes anything harder to deal with.)

 

If I've seemed less active here lately its because, in addition to simply being busy, I recently discoved and became hopelessly addicted to the trans-memes subreddit, /r/traa

[Heather Nicole]

On 12/9/2020 at 4:31 AM, Gabriel said:

Hey, either guys love that too... or I'm even more messed up that I thought!!

 

Boys are more than welcome in girl-ville for as long as they can tolerate the sparkly girliness! Then they need a break just for their own well-being  We keep an emergency suppy of Transformers on hand in case of just such an event. Sometimes we play with them, too.

 

I imagine girl-ville is probably a lot like Equestria. Or maybe Pinkie-Pie's house.

 

On a different note, I've been pretty bummed out about recently learning my usually-great health insurance doesn't cover cryo-preservation of...stuff. Curse my interest in someday having my own kids :/ This is seriously such a basic human rights violation, "sure, you can be trans and get hrt, but we self-appointed gatekeepers won't allow you to reproduce...unless you do the "capitalism" thing and be filthy rich enough to purchace human rights." It's all so stuck in ancient medieval "weath equals value and legitimacy" that it's sickening.

[Gabriel]

8 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

Boys are more than welcome in girl-ville for as long as they can tolerate the sparkly girliness! Then they need a break just for their own well-being  We keep an emergency suppy of Transformers on hand in case of just such an event. Sometimes we play with them, too.

??? Cool. Sign me up

 

8 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

It's all so stuck in ancient medieval "weath equals value and legitimacy" that it's sickening.

Depressing reality.

 

Yeah, I feel you with the swinging ways. Even if I'm already accepted myself as trans (I am most definitely not a cis woman) and everything inside screams FtM and yearns for that succulent possibility, I'm still thrown sideways every other day. I'll see something feminine I like and off we go into the loop of doubt - "maybe I'm nonbinary"? Maybe I'm bi-gender"? And no, they don't feel right, but my mind latches to whatever keps me in doubt land.

Actually, I think I'm gonna put up a new post about some doubts, see if you wonderful people can help me shed some light...