Coming Out to a Partner

[Rosie.]

Hey everyone, 

 

I’m nearly 30 and have been grappling with my gender identity for about two years. I was AMAB and have been living within non-bianary as my gender marker for about a year. I’m here because I feel I’m trans MTF. 
 

I’ve been in a stable relationship with my partner for about a year. She accepts me as non-bianary and things have been fine on the my-grey-gender front. She identifies as pansexual but has expressed discomfort when I’ve presented more feminine.  Generally, it’s a pandemic and we’re introverts. So we don’t really have any social friction issues and her family likes me. So.... umm NEATO
 

SO ROSE, where is the problem?
 

Well.. I’m at the point where I’ve leaned enough towards the feminine side of the gender spectrum to where I identify as a woman, I want to change my pronouns to she/her, and pursue HRT. With the exception of this space, I’m not out as trans.
 

This awakening is going to be a very large and impactful change for our relationship (understandably so). 
 

So, how do I tell my partner? I’m no stranger to difficult conversations, but this is just a different situation. I’m the changing thing and I know I have no control over how my partner feels. 
 

The thing that scares me the most is triggering her and losing her. Her most previous long term relationship ended when her previous partner left to start fresh abs transition MTF.  
 

I know I need to be promptly honest with my partner, she deserves transparency. I know that there will likely be some kind of material change in our relationship; if not an immediate termination.

 

I guess I’m looking for stories or advice on how to rip the proverbial bandaid off. 

 

Much love and all the thanks everyone! 
 

-Rosie

[Audrey]

Hi Rosie,

 

I relate to the anxiety you feel about coming out to your partner, and I know that the fear of losing her is very real. It's true that you can't predict or control how she will respond to you, and I understand the concern about seeming like the same situation happening for her all over again That said, you're starting from a place of love and honesty, and I'm happy to hear that she embraces your nonbinary identity.

 

When i came out to my partner, not that long ago, I must have gone over what I was going to say and how I would say it in my mind over and over again. I imagined the worst-case scenario - she would walk out, never see me again, and post it on social media. So when I finally built up the courage to say something, I just put it all out there - the years of questioning, the keeping it hidden, the anxiety and depression, and ultimately my realization that I am an transgender woman and that I need to transition. She was definitely shocked, asked a lot of questions, but ultimately very accepting and even encouraging when it comes to coming out to others and taking the first steps in transitioning. While the future is still full of unknowns, and the risk of breaking up is always there, I feel blessed to have someone like her in my life right now.

 

The other thing I would say is that when you transition, the people in your life also transition along with you. I'm hopeful that your partner is someone who will join you on your journey. It's true that your relationship will evolve during transition, and I'm hopeful that you and your partner will grow together.

 

Wishing you the best!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, Rosie. said:

I guess I’m looking for stories or advice on how to rip the proverbial bandaid off. 

Hi Rosie. If I was in your situation I would obviously prepare for anything because of her “expressed discomfort when I’ve presented more feminine.”  This may be an indicator that shouldn’t be taken too lightly. But it doesn’t necessarily mean it will all go South but it shows her mindset. You might open up with a few lighter discussions on the topic prior to fully revealing yourself if you’re feeling it might not go well. When the right moment presents itself, making sure you won’t have ANY interruptions that disrupt your thoughts is key. Distractions are the worst when trying to explain something this serious. Know exactly what and how you’re going to explain everything to her. Be completely truthful with your partner. Lies can come back to haunt you later and it can tear down so much trust in short order. Also prepare well...Preparation gives you confidence. And finally, try to choose when to tell her and don’t let it fester until she picks the time for you to disclose your secret.

I wasn’t so lucky. I was depressed and my wife knew something was seriously wrong. I had tried to tell her my full disclosure regarding being on HRT but I kept putting it off and it became too overwhelming. On December 13th, exactly two years ago today, she confronted me and asked me to tell her what was wrong. After tears welled up, I finally disclosed this whole other life that she was completely really unaware of. She and I both cried and then she asked me, “If there’s any other secrets I should know about...please tell me now so we can start completely fresh from this. I paused and my heart sunk. I knew there was one other secret I needed to share. But I thought about lying about it but knew that would completely discount everything I just disclosed.  I was much more afraid of telling her this last secret and what she might think of me afterwards. She looked me straight in the eye and said, “I can tell you have more to say...I can see it.”  So I made a decision right then and there to come clean and tell her about a 9 year relationship with a guy I had in my youth. She was surprised but said, “It’s going to be ok.” I felt no judgement from her at all. We talked nonstop for 4 days and rekindled our relationship into the strongest relationship I’ve ever experienced over these last two years.

 

My Best,

Susan R?