Im in a bad place

[SydneyAngel]

I had surgery on my face back in August was suppose to be FFS. I dont know what i got I posted some pictures first one is before next after. i can fake a smile just saying. I just saw the surgeon for a follow up and told him about the dip in my bridge. He didnt really have an answer as the why. I though it might of been from wearing the masks. i dont know could of been from yawning or sneezing which i couldnt help. i dont know why im so bothered by it. I think the surgery came out bad and was a waste of my hard earned money. There isnt anything more to talk about to the doctor its done. I think i actually look worse and the more i heal the worse it looks. You what i hate th most when people tell you are a beautiful person all that means is your ugly in my opinion. I dont know what i need. nothing seems to help like coming on here or support groups it just seems all bs. 

 

 

[tracy_j]

I do see a far smoother complexion in the bottom photos and, particularly the last two, strikingly female. It would be nice to have such smooth skin.

 

Tracy

[Jani]

Tracy is correct, you are strikingly feminine.  We are the last to see it.  It's like the adage, Fish see water last.  It does take time for your face to fully heal so don't despair.  You look beautiful.

[Heather Shay]

I see a much prettier woman then you do apparently. I know my own 68 years of T has done considerable damage but you my dear look pretty. Smooth and soft features. As time goes by you were become prettier and prettier. I' am on HRT going on 6 months and see a few improvements - but I was born with a face made for radio - you are not - you are lucky to have feminine features. Like my HRT - don't despair - it takes a long time to recover and see the difference. It's hard to see day by day but look again a BEFORE and AFTER 6 months down the road.

 

[Jackie C.]

I think you look fine. I go out like my avatar (That's me. No special effects. No makeup. Nothing. I took that with my webcam.) and sometimes guys try to pick me up. You look at least as feminine as I do. @Jani is absolutely right. We see it last.

 

Personally, I've been known to not recognize myself in the mirror. Oops.

 

You get an idea in your head about what you look like (and for us, it's usually what we USED to look like) and that's what your brain tells you it sees, even though the reality is much different now. I think part of it is the dysphoria too. We work ourselves into this ball of anxiety that thinks, "I'm NEVER going to look like a woman!" The truth is, women come in all shapes and sizes. You compare favorably to the average woman (at least where I live, you might be surrounded by beauty queens and supermodels for all I know). I would see you in a store presenting as a woman and recognize you as a woman. I recognize you as a woman in the pictures you posted. I especially like #2, that's a good angle for you and your eyebrows look really good.

 

But yeah. We're our own worst critics. Try and see yourself for the beautiful woman you are.

 

Hugs!

[Charlize]

Try not to stay in that bad place.  You look fine!  The problem for me was that it took time for me to see what others saw.  A friend in an addiction recovery program i attend shared a technique that helped him.  He said each time he looked into a mirror he complimented himself.  I know i've had difficulties finding self love, after all at 72 i'm simply never going to be a hottie!  Most women aren't as far as i can see.  I can still love the me i see.  I'm a woman who accepts herself as she is.

Again let me say  You Look Fine Girl!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jackie C.]

A bit of wisdom someone shared with me: If you don't think you're hot, that's OK. It just means that you're not your own type. You're somebody's type. We all are. Keep looking.

 

Hugs!

[Jani]

I love this Jackie. 

[KayC]

On 12/14/2020 at 2:26 PM, Sydneyblue said:

first one is before next after

Hi Sydney.  To me the After photo is definitely a more feminine appearance.  At some point I am considering FFS also, and if I can achieve the change you achieved it would be well worth it for me. 
As everybody else said, the idea of perfection in our own appearance is something I think society projects on us, and for that reason it can be a difficult goal to place on ourselves.  I think you look great, but in the end its important to Love Ourself first.  Its part of the journey I think.

[Kiara]

I'm going to agree with everyone and I say you look much more feminine. However, we are just seeing a single picture and pictures can't show us everything. I understand that maybe we just can't see the things you do as we aren't seeing you in person and can't pick up on the finer details that are lost in a static image. I do agree with everyone that you should give it some more time. Maybe the surgery didn't give you the face you envisioned in your head, but it definitely got you closer.

Our bodies will never be 100% what we want. All we can do is continue to work towards our goals and hopefully get close enough. I can work on my weight, but I can't change the fact that I have a huge chest. Even surgery will only fix it to some degree and I likely wouldn't ever be 100% satisfied with the results.

I can only hope that in time you are at least ok with your new face. I understand how hard it can be to look in a mirror and hate what you see. I can't give you any good advice to really make it better or easier. I know how it feels when people compliment you and you know they're only doing it because that's what you're supposed to say. I try to avoid it and people are often taken aback when I don't respond the way they expect. Know I'm being honest with you when I say you are very pretty.

[SydneyAngel]

I dont know what you people are looking at. It looks disgraceful. 

[Susan R]

@Sydneyblue

I think your features look much softer now when comparing it against your original avatar image (or at least the one I saw). Why not experiment a little with some different hair styles, try to change up your normal makeup regimen. I have no doubt you’ll find a new look you like. Your face has changed significantly and I think you have a lot more to work with now. You won’t need as much contouring/highlighting as you once did. You have so many new looks possible...I’d be very happy with your outcome.

 

Susan R?

[SydneyAngel]

I cant take it anymore 

[Audrey]

Dear @Sydneyblue, I'm so sorry to hear things are in such a difficult place for you right now. I feel there's a dramatic difference between the two pictures you've shared. The second one is absolutely more feminine and quite striking really in my opinion. I'm hopeful you'll see your beauty reflected back to you in the mirror too. Our eyes and mind can often mess with our perception, and convince us to see things differently or even as they always were even when there's been a major change. In turn, that affects our mood and our confidence.

Please know that I'm happy to talk and listen anytime, so feel free to reach out. 

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[MaryEllen]

We are our own worst critics.

[Jani]

Sydney please don't believe everything you see!  It's what others see that really matters.  We always seem to look the same as we have a deep memory bank that gets called up every time we look into a mirror.  Audrey is correct, particularly with a change such as yours.  There is so much subtle change in your look but in total it is undeniably different.  Focus on the complete picture of yourself not any specific feature.   Hang in there, its still quite early as you only had surgery in August.  Many reports suggest a year may be needed for your features to settle.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[Mx.Drago]

3 hours ago, Sydneyblue said:

I cant take it anymore 

I've said those words far more times than I care to count anymore. Lost faith in more ways than one, and most have been times talking to myself in the mirror, trying to find something worth keeping hold of despite my frustrations and disappointment. Regardless of how I honestly would wish to see another face other than the softness people easily mistaken for a child not even worth respecting, sadly AFAB, my lump of meat for a body is my only ride I got in this miserable one time exsistence, so best put up with it and deal with what I got as best as I can.

Live to conquer with all the fire you've got, while you got it.

My opinion might not matter, but honestly I've seen many more women who look like you, to me you look fairly average face wise. Better skin quality than average at least(better than mine, but I scratch my face up, nerves I guess), but you are still fine looking enough that you won't be literally ignored. Not everybody is a model, plus most that -crap- be fake anyway. I myself think I have a funny face with a bird nose, on top of child like features...the word I often get is "cute"... makes me cringe everytime I hear that damn word. I think most women destroy their faces trying to cover it with make-up, terrible stuff war paint messes up the skin. At least your face looks fairly smooth, good color that's evenly toned, barely any wrinkles. Please take care of yourself and try not to kick the ride too much. It might not appear as you want, but it's what you need and it will serve you far more than you might want to give it credit. The rest is all up to your will and actions moving forward with what you have, as best you can. There are always more surprises waiting in the future than can be predicted and the world is the only gem we got so far, and it's precious despite the flaws that irk us.

[SydneyAngel]

I had to work extremely hard to earn that money. Plus i waited even longer. My transition has been a total disaster and i honestly dont want to be here anymore. I dont even look like a person in transition. I dont understand why this is happening to me. No even cared that i had surgery. I dont mean anything to anyone in a meaningful way. I stopped taking my anti depressant because im sick of taking something that is telling me lies about my life. I feel this pain deep in my chest and it hurts. No one seems to get it 

[Mx.Drago]

7 hours ago, Sydneyblue said:

I had to work extremely hard to earn that money. Plus i waited even longer. My transition has been a total disaster and i honestly dont want to be here anymore. I dont even look like a person in transition. I dont understand why this is happening to me. No even cared that i had surgery. I dont mean anything to anyone in a meaningful way. I stopped taking my anti depressant because im sick of taking something that is telling me lies about my life. I feel this pain deep in my chest and it hurts. No one seems to get it 

1. Stopping depressant med. Will crash you like a ton of bricks on yourself, especially now of all crazy times. Please talk to your doctor or get another to prescribe better treatment. I've been depressed for years but manage by some luck of the % to find a way not to get myself snuffed out. If a pain in the rear-end, like myself, can manage to get through without completely destroying myself, you can find a way too. "Where there's a will, there's a way," but you need the will first...all I can give you is a piece of my mind cuz I'm sick of damn circles and people taking advantage of my apparent weakness and desperation. Your not the only one who has been in your shoes before. Your hurt deeply, I get it, but don't be tell others who go through their own load of issues, "what they feel or understand." I'm not telling you how to feel or what to feel, but my understanding doesn't matter in the end, cuz you believe what you want regardless, but there will always be the bare basic facts... If you don't like something, it's up to you to see it gets cared for. Your gut and tears won't solve it, but venting never hurt either. Roar till rage leaves you if it helps. Do what you must to survive and try to be or find peace, as long as possible. Time stops for nobody even if there's a Pandemic.

It suck climbing the mountain pushing that boulder and having it run your ass back to the bottom. Don't stop caring for yourself, cuz someday you won't have or get that choice.

2. Nobody noticed the surgery... that's great. Means you look natural and guy didn't leave anything to notice, your nose could have fell off or skin start to peel back or rot off. If you wanna look like a Barbie, that lady who did that, never stopped getting surgery, cuz that's what it took to make them happy. And sometimes it takes multiple doctor's, cuz some don't want or can't do it. South Koreans get plastic surgery as a culture thing, kids getting their, eyes, boobs...whatever done cuz beauty is top priority and literally would make the difference between the community excepting them or ignoring them. Peace sadly cost something, and it takes time, sometimes lots more money and time than anyone wants, not to mention a whole lot of willpower. I hate knives, but at some point will need to go under to get what I want and there are a lots of ifs that don't make me happy, but it's what I need. You need to do, what you need to get there care that helps you.

3. Get another doctor, second opinion, triple opinion even. Read reviews, try face design apps to help you show them what you are looking for. Doctors live by guessing if you don't tell them and be very specific. Foot to the floor solid granite mindset. Haunt them like all three ghosts of Christmas combined. Get your answer, get what you need. May the Gods, Fates, and all them fancy things bless you on your journey. Stay safe and well.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Sydneyblue said:

I stopped taking my anti depressant because im sick of taking something that is telling me lies about my life. I feel this pain deep in my chest and it hurts. No one seems to get it 

Sydney, I agree with @Mx.Drago.  Consult your Dr as soon as possible.  Going off-meds can be extremely hazardous to your well-being, and the truth is that through the distorted filter of depression you cannot see/perceive anything clearly. 

 

Sending positive prayers? ❣️
 

[Charlize]

I was on anti depressants for years!  Mx.Drago and Kay C are correct.  Stopping cold turkey is not healthy.  Please see your doctor.  I cut back and quit over a period of months and at the end what i thought wasn't helping showed real power in its absence.  It's hard to look or feel good without a true and sincere smile.  I lost that for a bit but i know it comes back.  Oddly, when asked when is a woman most beautiful;  when she smiles comes to mind.

 

Big hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Please restart your medication.  Stopping is not a move to make lightly.

 

No one noticed.  Well you don't want to look like you're in transition.  You want to look natural.  Too many it seems want to have that fantasy look of a Barbie doll.  Its not realistic or a healthy view of self. You really want to be able to blend in to society.  You have attained that Sidney.  Try a new hairstyle for a different look.

 

That you don't care to others, this is not true.  People are all busy living their own lives and rarely give our troubles or joys much attention.  I know you were excited to have this surgery yet many others just could not fathom it, or the reasons.  That's just human nature.  Look inwards at the beautiful person you are.  What others think is really unimportant.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[SydneyAngel]

2 hours ago, Jani said:

Please restart your medication.  Stopping is not a move to make lightly.

 

No one noticed.  Well you don't want to look like you're in transition.  You want to look natural.  Too many it seems want to have that fantasy look of a Barbie doll.  Its not realistic or a healthy view of self. You really want to be able to blend in to society.  You have attained that Sidney.  Try a new hairstyle for a different look.

 

That you don't care to others, this is not true.  People are all busy living their own lives and rarely give our troubles or joys much attention.  I know you were excited to have this surgery yet many others just could not fathom it, or the reasons.  That's just human nature.  Look inwards at the beautiful person you are.  What others think is really unimportant.  

 

Hugs, Jani

i never said i wanted to look like a barbie doll. Why do you want to blend into society ? I think thats the only things thats unrealistic. I think all this nonsense that people fill in your brain about how you look can only carrying you so far before you realize the truth you will always look like a man in a dress unless you drop alot of cash to look different. I could care less about looking natural. Society rejects Trans women and if you think thats not true those people who you think accept you only tolerate you in fear of being called a transphobe or whatever. I would prefer to look "fake" if i look female vs looking natural and still male. 

[Kiara]

13 hours ago, Sydneyblue said:

I had to work extremely hard to earn that money. Plus i waited even longer. My transition has been a total disaster and i honestly dont want to be here anymore. I dont even look like a person in transition. I dont understand why this is happening to me. No even cared that i had surgery. I dont mean anything to anyone in a meaningful way. I stopped taking my anti depressant because im sick of taking something that is telling me lies about my life. I feel this pain deep in my chest and it hurts. No one seems to get it 

 

As someone who was nearly homeless for a few years I know what it's like to work hard and save your pennies. It's hard to give up money that you worked so hard for only to feel like it was a complete waste. You'll never get that money back and you'll have to save up all over again for a second attempt if you can find another doctor you can trust to get it right. It's extremely disheartening and I understand why you feel like you do.

I do have to agree with everyone else that one major reason why no one has noticed your new face is because it looks natural. When cosmetic surgery is done correctly no one should notice that you've had work done except maybe those closest to you that knew you well before. Is it the face you wanted? No, but at least your face wasn't butchered to the point that everyone around you thinks you're ugly. I know that doesn't make it better since you still have to live with it.

I deal with my depression without medication or therapy which probably isn't the best thing for me. I do know from literally being forced to take antidepressants that stopping them cold is an extremely bad idea. Whereas the antidepressants tell you positive lies, stopping them suddenly leads to extreme negative lies as your brain is cut off from the chemicals it was so used to having around. That is probably one of the reasons why your pain is so bad. You need to step down your medication properly if you want to get off them without the harsh side effects. Please consider taking them again so you can let your brain adjust properly and work with your doctor to lower your dose until your brain adjusts to life without it. I'm not saying the pain would magically go away if you take your meds or stop them the proper way, but it might be less extreme.

Maybe try to play with some makeup. There's ton of YouTube tutorials on applying it in such a way to completely change the appearance of you face. Is it cheating and a lie? You could say that, but it's something you can do right now that will help you get closer to the face you desire. You have a much more feminine base to work with now. The makeup does cost a little money, but you control how it's applied and you can wash it off if you hate it.

 

[Heather Shay]

Well I see the ladies covered this well - I did my own gray market meds years ago and when I went off I'd screwed up my prostate. Now I am closely supervised and extremely happy on HRT and know if I want to go off to consult and decide on what type of plan to reduce meds to do it safely. In my case thought I don't plan on going off - it haas been a lifesaver for me.