Coming out to friends online - how do I do it?

[SpongeBobFan]

Firstly, I should mention that I don't intend on making some big Facebook status telling everyone I'm trans (not yet anyway)

 

Rather, I intend to be telling some friends that I'm a trans woman through message. But I need advice on how to do it. Like, how do I bring it up naturally? I don't want to bring it up suddenly with no warning. Additionally, considering they're likely to be shocked, should I ask them if they have any questions about it?

[Audrey]

Hi @SpongeBobFan, I wonder, are these friends you only know online, or friends you also know in-person? That may make a big difference how you approach this. I feel like seeing something in writing makes it much less personal than hearing your voice and seeing your eyes, especially if you do know them offline.

 

I've come out in-person and on Zoom calls with people (because of the COVID-19 situation). I started the conversation by saying I had something very personal I wanted to share with them, and how I felt very nervous to share it. Then I just honestly said that I'm a transgender woman and transitioning. Afterwards, I always asked how they were feeling after I shared. And in all the times so far, except one really, they were so accepting and understanding, and now I'm feeling much closer to them and having a truly authentic relationship with them that wasn't possible before because I was hiding something so integral to who I am.

 

Hope this helps... I wish you the best with coming out to your friends!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Jackie C.]

I just did it. I waited until we were in a social situation and said, "Hey, I'm trans."

 

They said, "Well duh."

 

Then we went back to what we were doing. @Audrey's right. Most of your friends will be supportive and understanding. They like YOU after all. They're not that concerned with the packaging.

 

Hugs!

[DeeDee]

Hi @SpongeBobFan Audrey's right in that online/IRL can make a difference in the how, I prefer face to face where possible but told one friend while we were gaming because I knew I wouldnt get a face to face and didn't want him finding out via someone else.

I have not spent much time planning what I will say only that even with nerves it just felt like the right time to say something, my rule in life is that when someone asks me how I'm doing they better be prepared for an honest answer!

Jackie is also spot on, my experience so far with friends, no matter how long we talked or discussed it for has boiled down to this assurance: 

4 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

They like YOU after all. They're not that concerned with the packaging.

I have started with close friends who I know can keep a secret, so as I widen the circle there may be some leaks or different responses but ultimately the people I care about will know the real me. For others - meh.?

[Conner2020]

I have told most my friends and family by message as I now live far away from my family and due to Covid we are not allowed to mingle in person. Like all the rest have said so far its gone very well most were not surprised and I plan to do a Facebook status update on either new years eve or the first of January (taking the whole new year new me to the highest of levels ?) as I am giving my wife time to adjust but everyone who matters now knows. 

[Bri2020]

I told my closest friend either in person or over the phone.  The rest, I messaged.  I just got too tired of the whole "coming out" process. I fast tracked through my family and closest friends in one week so was pretty exhausted but a lot of the people I told knew my other friends so didn't want to burden them with keeping it secret for too long.  Basically my message went like this:

"Hey (friend),

You might want to sit down, I have some pretty big news that I wanted to share with you.  I want to tell you this because I have valued our friendship and you mean a lot to me.  Over the years I have struggled with something that I've done a pretty impressive job of burying, denying, and or suppressing.  It has cost me a lot emotionally and led to some tough times over the years.  I've decided I can't do that anymore because the cost is too high and I just want be happy.  SO here it is, I now know I'm a transgender woman.  No -crap-, not joking.  It probably comes as a surprise.  I know it did to me when I faced down the truth.  That said, having accepted the truth and deciding to pursue transitioning has made me incredibly happy. (my wife) and kids know as do the rest of my family and they are with me and supportive of my journey.

I chose to write you because I know this can be a little overwhelming and you might need a bit to process.  Take your time and please reach out if you want to talk about it and / or have any questions. I've changed my name to Bri, don't worry if you mess that up periodically, I'm still getting use to using it myself.  OK, now you can pick your jaw up from the floor "  

 

This went over very well with almost everyone.  The less solid or more intermittent relationships tended to fade away if they were too freaked out.  BUt others became even stronger so....

Good luck.  The more you come out the easier it gets.  I've run into a few people 6 months later now that didn't know and I'm presenting FT and I'm like: "Oh, I probably forgot to tell you but obviously things are a bit different than last time we saw each other... I go by Bri now."  and I don't blink an eye.