Coming out to young kids?

[RobynNYC]

Hi!

 

Looking for experiences some of you nay have had coming out to kids.  Me: mtf 50(! Omg...), out to spouse, who still loves me, I’m ambivalent about full transition, though I have started on low dose hrt and getting laser, both of which drastically have reduced my dysphoria (yay!! ).  As I think through how I would transition, I think it’s very clear how I could do this professionally, kinda clear how I could manage it in my marriage, but very unclear how this would impact our kids.  Girl 12 1/2 would still love me and has non-binary friends.  I have a very close relationship with my 8 1/2 yo son, and I’m just not sure how it would impact him. We are a very progressive family, and he has a non-binary classmate whose parent is trans masc, so he’s light years ahead of where I was at that age. But.  
 

anyone have experience? Advice? Regrets?

 

resources to point to? 
 

I’d be sooo thankful for any of the above!

 

 

-Robyn 

[VickySGV]

In my case it was grand children who were a bit younger but from what you tell me about yours, they will be pretty flexible and accepting. You have not taught them to fear and hate people who are different.  The only HEAVY question my GK's asked me was if I would still like them and do things with them.  A simple Yes answer and one went back to playing with Lego's another went over and practiced their piano, and for the youngest it was bedtime. That was 2012 and last spring my eldest grand child came out as Trans and the 2 grandson to 1 granddaughter count change to 2 granddaughters and a grandson. the two younger siblings have no distress with it and my "new" granddaughter is in a performing arts High School where I have met some of her classmates through volunteer work I do with the local LGBTQ Center.  

 

I used two gimmicks to explain my Trans life with them, one involved two jigsaw puzzles (about 36 pieces each) where I put the pieces for one puzzle in the box of the other and told them to put the puzzle  together as shown on the box covers.  They got the picture easily from that metaphor.

 

With groups I am in I use another illustration.  I have two cheap hand mirrors that I hand around, one is an actual clear mirror, but I have pasted a picture on the other one that is a far out space alien concept that does not look human at all and tell them that to a Trans person their daily mirror is the space critter.  

Hope that helps.  

[RobynNYC]

7 hours ago, VickySGV said:

 I used two gimmicks to explain my Trans life with them, one involved two jigsaw puzzles (about 36 pieces each) where I put the pieces for one puzzle in the box of the other and told them to put the puzzle  together as shown on the box covers.  They got the picture easily from that metaphor.

 

With groups I am in I use another illustration.  I have two cheap hand mirrors that I hand around, one is an actual clear mirror, but I have pasted a picture on the other one that is a far out space alien concept that does not look human at all and tell them that to a Trans person their daily mirror is the space critter.  

These are actually pretty helpful, thanks!

 

im mostly worried about how my son would react to gaining another mom. Did your relationship with the remaining grandson change much?

 

thanks!

 

 

 

[Susan R]

@RobynNYC I have 6 actual grandchildren but 7 if you count a step granddaughter. I realize it’s not the same as your own child but in every instance these children whose ages were at the time 7 through 12 were completely open to the idea of me transitioning to a woman and effectively becoming Nanna Susan. Each of my daughters have 2 children of their own. Each daughter allowed the revelation of my transition to be handled differently. My oldest daughters children were told a few weeks later by my daughter and SIL using some age appropriate children’s books on the subject. The then 7 year old grandson cried (He thought everything was going to go away) but after I visited him as Susan, he became very attached...in a different way than before because of the gender change. My then 11 year old granddaughter and I now have the best possible relationship one could ask for.

 

My oldest daughter and her new hubby decided to use the same books for my then 7 and 12 year old grandsons and then they came over a month later for a BBQ to meet me as Susan. They weren’t shocked as they had been shown many pictures of me prior to meeting me for the first time.

 

My youngest daughter and her then fiancé allowed me to talk to my then 8 year old grandson and then 10 year old granddaughter. I spent an hour discussing it at their level and then had them ask me any questions they wanted. They had plenty but it was a nice bonding moment. I did this presenting as male. The next day I went to a park presenting as female with them and the were very happy.

 

The 7th step granddaughter who was 15 is very accepting and happens to be dating a FtM so it was never going to be an issue with her in any regard.

 

Over the past two years I have met several other children within my siblings family that had known me as my male persona and none of them have had any difficulty with my transition. In my experience, children at these age ranges seem to be very accepting for the most part.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[VickySGV]

2 hours ago, RobynNYC said:

m mostly worried about how my son would react to gaining another mom. Did your relationship with the remaining grandson change much?

 

My basic relationship with them has not really changed.  I let all of them simply use my first name and I guess there are a few more legitimate hugs that are not "creepy hugs" like the males in my family are infamous for.  HRT has smoothed my temper out and I am not claiming dominance as I used to. My hobbies are still the same, because I had some "girl hobbies" in the past as well. My ex-wife is still my kids Mom and it is her right to have it, and she and my Daughter-in-Law's mother are the Grand kids Grandma's.  If the GK's refer to me it is as Grandparent and they leave it there, but they actually LIKE calling me by my first name.  We do have private "dad and grandpa" moments but even there, the big deal is I am a caring adult that holds them up and whom they can trust, and who gives them validity. 

[Gabriel]

Hi Robyn

I came out to my sons three months ago. They are 14 and 19. The eldest took it in stride, we jocked a bit about it and he's been trying different ways to call me since then. Seems like pops is sticking (I was mama before and his dad is papa).

My youngest is another story. First he said he didn't want to know. I gave him time and I told him a couple of weeks later. He was ok with it, but he was more clingy for a few weeks, but he is totally back to normal now. I embraced his need and just showed him that I'm still here for him exactly the same as ever. He is ok and he is aware of it, but he still calls me mama. That is ok, every kid has their process and their timing and that is perfect. I'm not pushing anything. Also, I'm not on HRT yet so there are not physical changes that makes it easier to see things changing.

 

Love, understanding and time make a good recipe. Seeing what they need, giving them the space to process it and not pushing more information that what they ask for - sharing what you feel is your gender identity and then let them lead with questions (if there is any, thay can be pretty blasé). They will show you how much information is right for them in the questions they ask.

 

It's only been 15 weeks and my relationship with my eldest already got closer and it is just as good as always with my youngest.

 

For what you describe your kids will probably be perfectly ok with it. 

 

[RobynNYC]

On 1/26/2021 at 11:52 AM, Gabriel said:

Hi Robyn

I came out to my sons three months ago. They are 14 and 19. 
...

Love, understanding and time make a good recipe. 

Good to hear, thank you!

 

my biggest concern is with the father - son relationship.  My 8yo and I are very close and I worry about him not having a male role model. 
 

im wondering if any mtf’s here have experience coming out to a son? Or any ftm’s coming out to a daughter?

 

thanks so much everyone!

 

[VickySGV]

3 hours ago, RobynNYC said:

I worry about him not having a male role model. 

 

I was a Boy Scout leader back at the time that women were first permitted to become Troop Leaders at Scoutmaster and Assistant Scoutmaster positions and heard those worries louder than rock bands at a Rave. 

 

Women can INSPIRE a male role model as well as a male can do is what has since been discovered.  Many men as I learned over 20 years that my children were in those programs had had highly imperfect male role models and showed those sides at the worst possible moments that had to be repaired by other leaders in the program.

 

Even in coming out, you are inspiring him to be true to himself and totally honest about feelings about yourself.  You can  also inspire him to take on characteristics that will empower his maleness into gentleness and compassion as needed that too many men are never shown as a true role for them.  Your work ethics and many hobbies and ways of instruction for him will not change.  For the most part you will be able to enjoy sports with him as well.  You have faced the challenges of early puberty as a male, and that will not change, so for a moment or two "dad" can counsel him in that shared experience although your experience will be tinged with the fact that yours was "not right" but as he experiences, you can listen to him in his experience and he can help heal you. 

[Gabriel]

I would focus less in a "male role model" and more in being a "human role model" that is way less tinted with expectations and more open to allow him to be whoever he is.