New Member intro

[Chelsea Hanson]

Hello there!  Hopefully this is the right spot to do this- if not, feel free to delete it 

I just wanted to properly introduce myself;  my name is Chelsea Hanson, I am 48 yr. old transwoman, artist, teacher, and parent of two wonderful kiddos.  I have been able to social transition and start living and working as myself since earlier last year (awesome timing with the pandemic, right?).  I reside around the Salt lake City area and have found some surprisingly wonderful support in many unexpected places around here that have been an absolute lifeline.

 

One of the things that drew me to this website was that I am going in for GCS this summer and wanted to get a better feel for what to expect and see if any of you had by any chance been to the same surgeon I've chosen and what your experience was or what you might have for suggestions or thoughts.  So far I'm fairly impressed with the format and the resources and hope that I can be of help to anyone else if possilbe.

Anyway, do take care and have a fantabulous day!

Chelsea      

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Transgender Pulse, Chelsea!  Yes, this is definitely the right place to post your introduction.  I want to congratulate you on everything you've accomplished so far, and on getting close to GCS.  You will find a trove of good information on the surgeries forum and of course you can ask questions when you don't find the info you want.  We'll help in every way we can.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Audrey]

Hi Chelsea, it's nice to meet you and welcome to the forums. I'm glad you joined us and hopeful that you'll find the community here just as warm and supportive. The comment about working on myself and transitioning during the pandemic is exactly me! I'm in the first year of my own transition journey. I'm looking forward to getting to know you and seeing you around. There are many members here who have had GCS or are close to having it, and I'm sure they would be happy to share their experiences with you.

 

As it turns out, there is a member here who recently asked about surgeons at the University of Utah ( @Emily Michele), but I don't believe there were any responses at the time. Perhaps that is where you are thinking of going since it could be close to you, so I thought I might mention it!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Chelsea Hanson]

Thank you Carolyn!  I appreciate that very much.  Yes, it has felt like an accomplishment for sure; there has been so much to wade through to get to this point.  I still can't believe my new insurance will cover this procedure for me!  And several more milestones to go... ❤️ 

 

[Chelsea Hanson]

"The comment about working on myself and transitioning during the pandemic is exactly me! I'm in the first year of my own transition journey. I'm looking forward to getting to know you and seeing you around."  

Thank you Audrey!  Likewise!  Congratulations on where you are as well!  It is so much a process and a journey... Occasionally like a much anticipated weekend excursion to Rivendell; other times more akin to a death march to Mordor...

 

Either way I am grateful to say that so many things are now looking much brighter and hopeful.

 

So my insurance had a very particularly small list of surgeons anywhere near here- the closest being Spokane- and I did consultations with a few and found one that seemed like a good fit.  Like most surgeons you can hear good things and bad things all at once about them, but the more experiences you hear of both, the better informed of a decision you can make.  I had researched into the doctors on the insurance list and those without to get a feel for who might be what I'm looking for with the means I had, and I thought I had things pretty nailed down when just the other day I talked to a friend of a friend who went to this surgeon and had a rough time with them and what they were hoping for.  Likewise they were encouraging me to do more research on this surgeon.  So I have been back at it.

So the Utah surgeons suggestion won't apply to me until after this one really, but thank you for the suggestions!

❤️ 

 

[Ivy]

Welcome Chelsea.

My youngest daughter lived in Salt Lake for awhile and knew a number of trans people there.  She finally came back to NC saying she couldn't "take another Utah winter."   LOL

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and Welcome Chelsea!

May fortune favor you on your journey. Glad to have you join us.

[Vanessa Michelle]

Welcome to the group @Chelsea Hanson❤️ Thanks for sharing a bit of your story too! We're glad to have you ❤️

[Chelsea Hanson]

Thank you Jandi!  Ha- yeah, the winters are often very cold and snowy- although this one has been quite mild by some years- I moved here from Idaho in 2019 looking for work that I could be safe coming out at but still be within driving distance of my kids- I've been very pleasantly surprised in many pockets of the area.  Despite the area's reputation for being very religious and conservative and frowning on trans people.

 

[Chelsea Hanson]

Thank you Vanessa!  I'm grateful to be here ❤️ 

[Drayse]

11 hours ago, Chelsea Hanson said:

I have been able to social transition and start living and working as myself since earlier last year

Congratulations and also on your upcoming GCS. I'm still working on social transitioning, I'm only part way to being fully out. Hopefully in the next month or two I'll have that wrapped up. So anxious to begin being my actual self and glad that you're able to.

Welcome!

[Chelsea Hanson]

Hi Drayse!

Thank you!  Yes, it felt like forever.  I just recently was able to finish off getting my name and gender marker changed over- still working on some insurance and licensing changes, but mostly I'm ME now; and it is so wonderfully becoming my new norm.  I love how everyday it is becoming for sure ❤️  Hope all goes smoothly for you!

[Susan R]

13 hours ago, Chelsea Hanson said:

One of the things that drew me to this website was that I am going in for GCS this summer and wanted to get a better feel for what to expect and see if any of you had by any chance been to the same surgeon I've chosen

Hello @Chelsea Hanson It’s a pleasure to meet you. Congrats on your upcoming GCS. As mentioned by others, there are many here who have completed the surgery and there is a fair chance that someone has used your surgeon of choice. Let us know which surgeon you end up choosing and hopefully you’ll get some feedback as to their experience using them.

 

Until then, I’d enjoy reading more about your journey up to this point if you feel like sharing it. You’ve probably have some twists and turns on your journey thus far. Many here, including myself, could benefit from your experiences and choices.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Chelsea Hanson]

Thank you Susan ❤️  Actually thumbing through the posts I found at least a couple of them who have!  Their accounts were very helpful- So thank you Jacki C and MarcieMarcie (I hope I got those right) for what you have shared ❤️

 

I'd be more than happy to share a more detailed account of my story if it would help.  Would that be best shared on this thread or another one? 

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Chelsea Hanson said:

I'd be more than happy to share a more detailed account of my story if it would help.  Would that be best shared on this thread or another one? 

It’s really your choice, of course, but you might do a short timeline type intro to give more of a background of how you got to where you are now...maybe some family history if that was part of your decision to transition or whatever events shaped your journey. Major milestones and triggers that pointed you to full transition is always a nice place to lead a reader. But everyone does it differently...there’s no wrong way really.

 

Good Luck,

Susan R?

[Chelsea Hanson]

Well, per request, here is a more detailed description of my journey thus far (sorry for the length!):

 

> I was born the 3^rd day of August of 1972 in Provo, Utah to two very lovely parents while they were going to school there.  We shortly moved and I grew up in the Shelly, Idaho area.  My parents ran a drapery making business for awhile with my dad bidding and installing while my mom would make the draperies on these big industrial machines in their shop.  During my childhood we moved around a few times due to the challenges my folks faced with their business which at first was thriving, but then went under due to economic shifts. My dad whom I admire greatly, courageously fought the crushing blows to his self-esteem of losing his self-employed business and then his home.  Despite the setbacks and trials, he rerouted his career and made his way through to hospital administration. 

 

I had a very happy and blessed childhood; a loving mom and dad, a very hyper-creative imagination and a penchant for making things and trying to tell stories with them which was fostered and encouraged.  My mom instilled a love of music, art, creating, and work.  My dad was the one I came to for my questions regarding why we are here and where we go after this life.  I also attribute the foundation of my sense of humor to him and his family.  I was blessed with 5 siblings after me, whom I am still quite close to.  Thankfully I can call them my friends, family, and treasured loved ones. Even now that I am out to them.    

Now that I have come out to my whole family, my parents tell me in the light of my coming out to them, “this explains so much of what we saw with you when you were young”.   When I was very little I wanted to be just like my mom- I would take my stuffed pet frog and hold it up to my chest to “feed him”, no doubt observing her breast feeding my siblings.  I would get into her clothes and wear what I could barely put on at that age.  I would try to take my babysitter’s socks and put them on.  Soon enough, my parents saw a trend and strongly tried to discourage it.  I was told that I was not to play in mom’s clothing anymore, that it was wrong to continue to do and could lead to awful things.   I felt so guilty- but so driven to wanting to do it anyway.  So I kept on sneaking into them when I could.  This set the tone for the internal conflict that would define my life.

 

    I got up to all sorts of typical mischief as a kid; from tipping the love seat upside down with the pillows out to make myself a fort, pounding nails in said chairs’ arm rests, painting our large tree out front with mud…and dumping my parents 50 gallon storage of beans, rice, and wheat out onto the storage room floor to go ‘sledding on’, while a babysitter was watching tv, to name a few.  When my folks came home, it was the angriest I’ve ever seen my dad!  I do not recommend it!  Anyway, many happy moments and fond memories were spent that I remember.  Yet the inner turmoil started at this point to build.  I can recall at around 4 or 5 wanting very much to be a girl.  That feeling never left me.  I dared not tell my folks how I felt, if just dressing up in girl clothes bothered them.  I was treated with hostility by kids who saw any signs of my feminine behavior or patterns in me in our play experiences at school.  And so, I internalized and hid this feeling and mannerisms as best I could from everyone. 

 

All throughout my years as a grade schooler to middle school to high school, I engaged in ‘cross dressing’- I put quotations around that phrase as I no longer identify wearing feminine clothes as something opposite of what or who I am.  But at that time, those wants that I thought were perhaps something wrong and to be ashamed of continued to build in me.  Strong feelings of shame and self-doubt soon led to self- loathing and hatred, as I could not shake them.  Since I was raised to believe this want was a sin, I hated myself very much for feeling so driven by it and hoped many times the feelings would just finally go away, that I could finally repent and be free of them.  But they always came back.

During my childhood I would see an occasional talk-show featuring people challenging gender norms. ‘Transsexuals’ in particular drew my attention even as I saw the light in which they were cast was often sensationalized and degrading.  And yet I was rapt with fascination and want over how someone could alter their own self to become like the opposite sex from what they were born.  Another thing that fueled the fire would be when television shows portraying magical ‘body swap’ stories would come on, mostly comedies; I wanted so much to watch them.  To imagine myself in those scenarios.  Funny how they were mostly playing around stereotypes and always led to the male protagonist in the female body refusing to act or try anything feminine, which I found maddening.  That and how the stories would always end with them having swapped back.  I would imagine myself in those stories but without swapping back.

  Throughout my growing years I found distractions in art and music.  I would draw loads of cartoons, sculpt dinosaurs, create puppets and put on shows, and made 8 shooter-rubber band crossbows.  I found I had some abilities with the tuba, singing and guitar and was given some excellent opportunities to develop my abilities.  From my scouting days with going on camp outs and hikes, spending time in the outdoors provided excellent distraction as well.  In my late teens I discovered a love and a knack for tennis.  Growing up as an active member of the LDS faith, religion and church activities played a huge role in my social development.  I went to seminary, to the temple for baptisms for the dead, I prayed, fasted, looked for chances to serve, and went to church regularly.  But under the surface I was greatly frustrated, confused, depressed, and truly loathed myself.  Around my teen age years, I stumbled onto masturbation, and somehow along the way distorted the forbidden thrill I felt when I would sneak into the clothes I wanted to wear so much to help me feel female-with the physical sensations of self-stimulation.  This sent my already strong self-loathing into overdrive.  I felt like an absolute freak.  I found during my high school years that a good share of my male classmates could be quite coarse and vulgar in their talk about girls, which I found highly offensive.  It was all about how attracted they were and what they wanted to do with or to some girl.  For someone who was listening to them and knew that for themselves it was about being a girl, I dared not speak up.  At that time, my budding sexual awareness became a whirlwind of confusion, as orientation and gender were always portrayed through the church as being one and the same.  This led to many self-shaming experiences and withdrawing from interactions with my peers.  I was accused numerous times of being gay by certain peers and experienced a good share of physical and verbal bullying.

Puberty was particularly confusing and distressing.  A ‘Jeckyll and Hyde’ experience to be sure.  What I really wanted was what I saw in other girls.  I would lose myself in fantasy of being able to finally be female.  Yes, I would find girls attractive; yet maddeningly want just as much to be them or be like them.  I would from time to time have these dreams where I would find myself female and be accepted as a girl.  I never wanted those dreams to end.  But then on the other side, I wanted desperately to hide this wish and so I found developing male characteristics both wanted and distressing at the same time.   

Since I had this concept of the feelings I was experiencing being wrong and perverted, I felt that the best way to ‘repent and get rid of them’ was to do what I was always told to do- follow the “Mormon plan”, go on a mission, and get married in the temple.  My dad would show us pictures and tell stories of his mission in Thailand and Taiwan which I found fascinating, so going on a mission was already a want.  I also felt it would help me finally break those thoughts, getting lost in the service of the Lord.  And they did for a small while…but they did not go away for long.

 

Later in my mid-twenties I went to an extended family Halloween party on my dad’s side and thought, “you know what?  I’m gonna dress to the nines and get this out of my system”.  I went as far female in my costume as I possibly could.  It was very liberating and a fun time.  It was clear that I made many of my extended family members either surprised at how far I’d gone or uncomfortable with what it might mean about me.  I was very bothered at the way my relatives were reacting as though I’d gone off the deep end.  After that, I threw away my female clothes and told myself I’d never cross dress again, for fear of losing loved ones. 

Unfortunately, that left me with no release valve for the gender dysphoria I had no name for at the time.  The internet was just becoming a major source of research in the mid 90’s.  In my mid-20’s when once again my dysphoria roared back, I started researching for information on sex changes.  The articles I found were fascinating…but also frightening.  The financial, social, and perceived spiritual cost appeared to be so high, as to be crippling.  So I wrote that off and consigned myself to fantasy; that I would have to rely upon imagining what being female could be like.  To aid in this fantasy, I searched for more of those stories and shows where one was turned into or swapped with the other sex (for imagination fuel), and to my initial disgust I found most of the stories I wanted to read included pornography, which is treated in the LDS culture much like a plague.  This led to the slippery slope of gradually allowing; then using pornography as a coping mechanism to deal with what I still didn’t know at the time was actually gender dysphoria.  This also amped up my personal self-hatred to previously unreached levels.  Inside, I felt so lost, sick, wrong, awful, and disgusting.  I held almost no self-value.  Jeckyll and Hyde.  I hoped that the things I did to try to live a decent life were redeeming enough to a degree. 

So many tearful hours were spent praying fervently for forgiveness and in hopes of ridding my coping habits, my weirdness and sick desires as I saw them.  I wanted a family and to fall in love with someone I found attractive and decent and enjoyed being with.  I wanted to be the best parent I could possibly be.  I hoped that if/when such a thing finally came, I could be rid of the nagging, gnawing wish to be female.  I still couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone at the time how I felt though, and thus continued the process of burying and denying what the real issue was.  Particularly to myself. 

   

In the year 2000, I thought I'd finally found what I wanted for so long and what I hoped would be the final ending of this madness.  I met and married my spouse.  She was very pretty, quiet, fun, feisty at times, and we very much enjoyed spending time together.  She became my best friend.  I thought that I had finally found the key to getting over the coping mechanisms and wanting to be female.  But when we tried to ‘consummate the marriage’, I couldn’t seem to do the job right.  After some trying, it was a pleasurable experience for her which I wanted, but not quite successful for us both.  We tried numerous times and I finally found what worked for me.  Agonizingly, what my wife did not know at the time was that how I was able to get things to work was to imagine myself as a woman being made love to by her husband.  So here I was, at last able to bring pleasure to my best friend who I loved, but only as long as I continued with those thoughts.  I blamed the on and off pornography and fantasy story escapism and tried very hard to work past them.  But to no avail.  We both wanted kids so much, but I could only get there by imagining myself as the woman in this scenario.

 

After 4 years of waiting and getting ourselves a small starter house, we were able to conceive our daughter Ellie- she was the greatest thing to ever happen to my life.  Up until her brother came 4 years later, and then they both were.  I loved being her parent.  I graduated from Boise State University with a degree in Illustration.  At the time she was 2 years old, we moved to Oregon for 2 years, where I would receive the best artistic training I’d ever experienced.  There was so much time spent working on art, preparing for my career, taking care of Ellie on my off days, and enjoying the outdoors, that my experience there was the best distraction I’ve ever had regarding gender dysphoria.  This is not to say that it went away, but that the distractions were the best I’d had. 

Sadly, life and financial circumstances being what they were, we had to leave and go back to Idaho where we clawed our way back into owning a home and me finding a way to provide for our family.  I put aside my art career and found employment as a teacher at a charter school that we just got our daughter into.  I spent the next 10 years devoting my time to building the art department, trying desperately to work on my paintings here and there, and enjoy the challenges and experiences of being a parent.  I threw myself into making events such as birthdays, holidays, school events, and projects the most meaningful I could for my kids.  Throughout all this, the dysphoria was increasingly very strong.  My reliance on the coping mechanisms to hide spiraled me into a long, slow, powerful depression.  I stopped caring at all about my body and gained quite a bit of weight.  In some ways, I figured if I was to be internally miserable, then hopefully I could just live for family's sake.  However long I was alive. 

I was forced to realize that I had built a life around a façade of how I felt in a way that would probably never go away and was crippling me.  I was drowning inside.  And allowing myself to be lost in the coping mechanisms at night for little relief.  This was simply unsustainable.

 

 In the spring of 2018, my spouse found blatant evidence of the self-destructive coping mechanisms I had for so long used, and I finally could no longer deny using them.  But after we went in to talk to our church leader he counseled with me and set up a therapist for pornography addiction and marriage counseling, I knew I could no longer hide the real, true problem.   Not if I truly wanted to be free and rid of all the conflict.  Yet I knew that by doing so, I would most likely lose my spouse.  Still, I was going to lose her anyway unless I did something about this.  So, I undertook an intense period of personal and spiritual investigation to help in understanding why I had these feelings.  I came to realize how much I had forgotten and mentally blocked out from my youth.  I came to the realization that I absolutely had to do something about this, that I was at the end of my rope.  And so it was…I wrote the letter that I knew I had to write…and that it would break my spouse's heart.  And mine.

 

When I gave it to her, trembling, she took it and read it in the bathroom.  She stayed in there for a couple of hours, crying.  She finally came out to find me sobbing uncontrollably at the side of the bed and held me for a while, telling me that this wasn’t my fault.  I was flooded with relief and disbelief.  But I soon realized this relief was short lived.  In the letter I ended with saying that I felt I needed to at least start the process of transitioning before I went insane or ended myself.  However, she didn’t understand that part until the next day.  She freaked out (understandably), and insisted I go see our church leaders about this. 

They was very repulsed by my coming out and insisted I go sort this out with a counselor at LDS family services.  This was distressing as I had at this point heard of counselors from this institution handling things for lgbtq+ members very negatively.  But I wanted to honestly follow through and do what was necessary to move on and heal.  I was so surprised to find that this particular counselor was understanding; and wanted to help me without condemning my feelings.  At the first of our sessions, he wanted to make sure that to the best of his ability to discern that I was indeed transgender.  We spent several sessions hammering out my past, my childhood, where these feelings came from, when, where, my family relationships…my spouse was there with me for the first couple; but soon it became apparent that my coming out had triggered long held self esteem issues she needed to work through as well, so he suggested she see another counselor for a few sessions then we could get together again.  During the one on one time, he guided me through trying a series of steps, one at a time to see if each would ‘be enough’ to stave off the dysphoria.

 

During this period of time, I started researching and found a few stories of real people online that were remarkably like mine.  I reached out, some people reciprocated, and helped me find a support groups for people who struggled with gender identity.  I was warmly welcomed and found to my amazement that I was not alone.  I developed strong friendships.  Realized I wasn't the sick freak I had been taught to believe.  Nor was being transgender or needing to transition wickedness.  Soon I was making connections with others, both LGBTQ+ and “CIS-het” that were so affirming and full of kindness and love.  I realized I had found my community.  My tribe.  I started going online by my chosen name: Chelsea Lynn Hanson; what my mom would have called me had my body been female at birth.

 

  This newfound understanding opened the door to giving myself the courage and permission to take further steps of transitioning, even if only small ones.  I found a miraculous will to care about my body again for the first time in many years, and within 5 months shed about 75 pounds.  I felt alive.  

Yet these little steps caused my relationship to move further and further apart.  It was all so very distressing to poor ex, as she saw what she thought was her husband slipping away.  She saw the steps of transitioning as a one-way trip with me going full bore, while on my end,  I was trying very hard to make these steps of transition very small an ineffectual ones. 

But one of the harder aspects of having this understanding about myself, was that I became that much more acutely aware of what gender dysphoria was, and how it had been gnawing at me.  Why it was gnawing at me.  How my body didn’t match who I was.  I became more aware that what I had been numbing and pushing down was a feeling of wrongness.  I truly needed to do something about that. 

In August of 2018 my wife wanted us to come out to my folks, which I discovered was an attempt to gain allies and try to convince me that I was deceived by Satan.  Still, I felt she was right.  It was time.  I was so worried and upset that I couldn’t eat or sleep for a day and a half.  We came over to their place with my coming out letter I had revised for them, and I let them read it while I waited, trembling once again with fear of rejection and shame.  However, I was instead overcome as they reached out immediately with tears and hurtful concern and love over discovering how lost and hurt I’d been all these years.  They affirmed that they loved me regardless of whatever challenges I faced in this life. 

 

After having time to process this information for a couple of weeks, it was clear that their fear and concerns for me had elevated.  We had a couple of serious sit-down discussions where they asked questions and tried to understand.  My mom started to take the stance that I was indeed deceived by Satan, that ‘God doesn’t make mistakes’, and that I was going down a wayward path to destruction.  Yet I felt assured that this was not deception or a path of destruction, but a poorly understood path to treatment and healing for people like me.  One that would be incredibly painful to see it through; but one that was necessary to heal. 

 

My dear spouse made it quite clear in our pleading letters and conversations to each other that she could not support my starting hormone treatment, even at a limited dosage.  And yet it was what I knew I needed.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done when, on the night before we were to go to the specialist in Salt Lake City for this treatment, she presented me with a 12-page ultimatum and a photo album she'd made.  The letter poured out over and over again how wrong she thought this all was, that I would be destroying our children’s greatest hero, that I would be mutilating and abusing my body, and that I could only pretend to be a woman, abandoning her and the kids to go live in a fantasy world.  The photo album showed images and captions of us as a family and a couple, basically asking ‘please don’t throw us away’, while holding the threat of throwing me away should I take this step.  I was beyond devastated.  I’m not sure how many hours I spent crying uncontrollably in a heap on my painting room floor in the basement that night.  I was being ripped apart.  I'd lose everything no matter what.

In the morning we left for Salt Lake.  She was silent for most of the drive until we stopped at Ogden.  She then proceeded to make one last stand against what I was going to do- basically more of the same accusations.  She accused me of caring nothing for her feelings, which hurt more than anything.  I don’t know how I could even see straight through the tears to get there.  All I could do was hope that she would somehow come to see how much I needed this.  Right after starting HRT, I knew that it was what I had needed.  An inner calm drenched over the raw, debilitating dysphoria and shoved it back in a way I had never experienced.  I knew then that I was on the right path. 

Yet to my horror, my spouse soon after asked for a post nuptial agreement.  I was absolutely crushed.  I wanted and felt I deserved to die.  That I deserved punishment.  That I deserved whatever rotten awful place in Hell I no doubt had earned by now for breaking her heart and probably the hearts of my children and family.  I certainly do not blame Her.  She never should have had to experience any of this and had been raised with in a very transphobic home.  I had hoped that somehow, someway- we could still work this out; but it was not going to be.

Many friends and my sister reached out to me in some very desperate hours and helped to pull me out again.

I have since come out to all my siblings and to my shock and gratitude, I have not lost a single one of them.  They all affirmed that they want me to be part of their lives and their children’s lives.  For that alone I'm far luckier than many transgender people who come out.

 

  In February of 2019 we knew for sure we was heading for a divorce. 

In June of 2019 just after the kids got out of school, we had the awful task of telling them that we were getting a divorce; and that I was transgender.  My soon to be ex wanted me to leave that very day that I told them.  I found out that she has since tried to indoctrinate them into believing that I gave them up to chase a selfish and perverted fantasy, and has tried to wipe my very existence out of their daily lives.   

Our poor children have struggled mostly with our split and some with the awkwardness of having their dad transitioning.  My daughter was already dealing with some difficult social issues and after coming out to her, our relationship was strained for almost a year.  My son has struggled mostly with my appearance.  When I am com to see them every other weekend I try to keep my appearance as neutral as possible for their sakes.

 

  I so wish more people would earnestly consider that being lgbtq+ is so not a lifestyle.  If it is a choice, it is one based off choosing to live, not based on carnal fantasy.  I just cannot understand how anyone could possibly think that my now ex wife and children are worth sacrificing on a carnal whim.  They most certainly are not.  The very thought is heinous and disgusting to me. All I can do at this point is to show my kids in every and any way possible that they are my reason for keeping on going.

That fall I found work at a charter school in Utah county where I worked for a year, but the atmosphere was not at all one I felt safe in coming out to.  During that time my daughter expressed that she wanted to forget I ever existed.  Much pain and depression.  I would drive the 4 hours every other weekend to at least see my son if she wanted nothing to do with me.

Around Christmas though, my daughter reached out and let me know that she was sorry for lashing out in hurt and blindness and wanted to build a relationship.  It was a miracle.  As long as I kept my appearance neutral, it seemed to not bother my kids as much when I was around them.  However, every step I had taken towards transition only affirmed that it was positive and healing for me, so I kept taking them; preparing myself for social transition.

I came out to my aunt and her daughter that fall and they have become some of my most ardent supporters, much to my surprise and delight.  The school I worked at fast became an awful experience with some false accusations some tried to raise against me to no avail, and Covid strangely became kind of a godsend to get away from that hostile environment.

The summer of 2020 I found employment that I felt like I could come out, so I gathered up my will and talked to the HR dept. before I started- they were amazing and supportive towards me. I was able to get a fresh start FINALLY as my true self.  In the fall I went through the process of legally changing my name.  I found out that the new school's insurance actually covers GCS, and so I started doing research and did some consultations while jumping into the logistics of teaching art to kiddos online and in class.  I found a surgeon that seemed like a good fit and scheduled my procedure date for this summer! 

In the meantime I have continued to see and spend time with my kids- mostly over Xbox as they are both into gaming.  My parents started using my name and pronouns, even around my kids. That was so amazing to me.

There are so many things that are looking up now, despite how black and awful things seemed for the last few years.  I hope that in sharing this others might see that no matter how bleak life is, there is healing and hope on the other side.  I'm not even close to being complete on my journey and I deal with depression and anxiety still; but it is NOTHING like what I was dealing with previously.  

Anyway, that is about all I have for now.  I hope if any of you are struggling and feel worthless or loathsome, full of self hatred; you will reach out.  Don't let the wrongness that is cultural bias and tradition stand in the way of your immense and unrealized self worth.  

Peace to you all ❤️ 

Chelsea

 

[Ivy]

Thanx for sharing your story.

[Drayse]

So much of your story resonated with me

[Drayse]

and suddenly I'm quoting what I was just entering.

 

...resonated with me. Thank you sharing your story.

[Emily Michele]

Happy to meet you @Chelsea Hanson! I too live in the salt lake area! I’m working on gcs and should have it completed this summer. I’ve socially Transitioned and love myself for the first time in forever! We are about the same age, and have similar LDS roots. My insurance company is paying for all my surgery, except for the deductible and out of pocket, and maybe your company has a “gap” provision where they’ll cover a local surgeon as in-network since there is no one close that is in network... something to look into...

If you would like, you are welcome to message me on this site and can help you with more info or to answer questions, or to just talk. I have crossed paths with a bunch of trans women, but none in my peer age group. It would be nice to talk to someone who remembers the same decades! 
Hope to hear from you and wish you all the best, and I welcome you to this online community and to our shared physical community!!!

 Hugs!!!

 Emily. 

[Susan R]

@Chelsea Hanson Thank you for following up with such a well written honest and heartfelt introduction. I enjoyed it very much but felt so much sorrow reading about all the trials you endured. I felt your pain. Your story resonates with me on so many levels. The hardest part was the change in attitude of your spouse and eventual loss of your marriage. This is such a difficult one that I myself am not sure I could endure. It’s hard enough to have to chose transition with the pain and struggle with gender dysphoria on one side and the religious beliefs countering on the other.  Your spouse having the same religious beliefs couldn’t possibly have a real understanding of gender dysphoria. Having never experiencing it, she made the predicted choice...rely and trust religious beliefs and church indoctrination. So many SO’s think it’s all within our control to change back to the old self.  It is hard to make others understand the true nature and depth of what it means being transgender and need to be who you are.

I am so happy that you are becoming free from those restraints. Becoming yourself is freeing and calming. You will wake up each day knowing that you made the right choice. I had a slightly different journey but made similar life choices and I can say with complete confidence that I am so happy I am where I am today. You may not be able to convince everyone in your life you made the right choice to transition but at least you’ll know you did and that’s what matters most.

 

Thanks again for sharing this amazing journey with us. I can’t wait to read more of it as it unfolds.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Chelsea Hanson]

Thank you Susan ❤️ That means a lot to me.  There is quite a lot of my physical transition left to go, as well as the transition of my relationships to my loved ones.  Yes it has been very painful.  But as you said- every single step I took was only more and more affirming that this is what I had been needing for decades.  So liberating. 

   And I certainly don't blame my ex for feeling or thinking as she does.  I just hope and wish for her healing, and that she can stop trying to fight against my relationship with our children; that perhaps someday she can realize I never wanted to take her identity and role as their mother.  We both love them and we are both their parents equally.  So far 'playing the long game' and just showing my kids that I love them and did not abandon them is slowly paying off.  It is a long process that must be given the time it takes for them to be ready, in my opinion.   

Anyway, thank you again for your kind words.

❤️ 

Chelsea

[Ivy]

9 hours ago, Chelsea Hanson said:

I never wanted to take her identity and role as their mother. 

I have been asked if I wanted to be referred to as "mom" of something.   I said no, I'm not your mother.  Mostly they call me by my name.