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Just Lauren here


justlauren

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Hi, all. I am quite new to identifying as non-binary. Actually I think I currently identify as "human". I would say that labels are not feeling particularly helpful to me at the moment, so rather than saying "I identify as non-binary" I prefer to say "I reject the gender binary" - hehe. 

 

I am AFAB and nearly everyone in my life would unhesitatingly consider me a woman, because I've never told them otherwise or given them reason to think about it. However I recently cut my hair short, and while I've gotten some well-intentioned advice to start wearing make-up and earrings (lest I look masculine - gasp!), I am doing neither. So starts my transition, I guess? It all feels very anti-climactic. 

 

I told my husband I am "settling into the idea that I'm non-binary" and he was like "Great! ...do we have to do the pronouns thing?" And I said no (for now). Me discovering my masculinity has been really good for our sex life, so no complaints from him! (That makes him sound really basic, but he's actually a super open, caring, accepting human who I love very dearly. Just a man of few words.)

 

It all feels intensely personal and like nobody's business but my own. AND YET, I think about it all the time and I want to talk about it. That's why I'm here. I am still sussing out what parts of my identity feel repressed because of dumb gender norms, and which parts feel repressed because I've been living a gender expression that doesn't match my identity. Is that the same thing? It's a sticky web!

 

I am lucky to have a few Trans co-workers who have pulled me in and gave voice to some of the issues I'm experiencing. Like wondering - am I "queer" now? Do I belong in this community? If I still look "like a woman" and I'm in a hetero marriage, what right do I have to be here? 

 

All I know is that when I relax into the idea of being non-binary, I feel relief, I feel happier, I feel more myself, and I feel more sensual/sexual. I have always known I'm sexually repressed, but never could figure out the nature of it. BOOM. This seems to be opening the floodgate. So, it's all good, it's all delightful, it's just also confusing and... a lot.

 

So, that's me! For now... I am glad this space exists and look forward to connecting with some of you on here.

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Hi @justlauren, it's nice to meet you and welcome to the Trans Pulse forums. Thank you for sharing some of your story and experience in your introduction! The question of belonging is an important one. I believe that the happier and relieved feelings you have when you express yourself the way you wish and reject the gender binary are strong and positive signs. I would also say that if it feels right to be here, then you're right to be here. The community is a very safe and supportive space to explore questions about gender expression and identity, and I believe there are members would relate very much to the thoughts and feelings you've shared here. It's also wonderful to hear that your husband is so accepting and loving, and your colleagues too. I'm hopeful you'll find the same warmth here.

 

Once again, welcome! Looking forward to seeing you around and getting to know you better.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

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  • Forum Moderator

Yup, human (presuming that you're human. We've never met. You could be three raccoons in a trench coat for all I know) works. Labels aren't really important. What is important is feeling comfortable in your own skin. As for, "Do I belong?" of course you do. I like to think that we're inclusive before anything else.

 

We'll do what we can to help you figure things out, but you should talk to a gender therapist on the regular for some real in-depth soul diving. We can offer you loads of experience, love and support, but none of us have the right letters after our name.

 

So hey @justlauren, welcome to Transpulse! We're glad you're here.

 

Hugs!

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5 hours ago, justlauren said:

However I recently cut my hair short, and while I've gotten some well-intentioned advice to start wearing make-up and earrings (lest I look masculine - gasp!), I am doing neither.

 

Hi, Justlauren! Oh man, can I relate to the pain and awkwardness of (usually) well-intentioned but misplaced beauty advice.

 

Also, that impostor syndrome that comes with appearing to be in a hetero marriage when I am actually a gay male. It's like, if I have an invisible transness at times, does that make me disqualified? I hope you find some validation here.

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Hi @justlaurenand welcome to the group! You fit in here just fine as Jackie said. Thanks for sharing your story with us and I hope you feel at home here. ❤️

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  • Admin

Welcome to Transgender Pulse, Lauren.  Thanks for sharing your story with us.  It sounds like you have some really great people in your life, starting with your husband.  Please look around the forums, ask questions, leave comments, and enjoy the time you spend here.  You'll find it is a worthwhile place to hang out.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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10 hours ago, justlauren said:

I am still sussing out what parts of my identity feel repressed because of dumb gender norms, and which parts feel repressed because I've been living a gender expression that doesn't match my identity

 

Hi Lauren and welcome!

That's an excellent place to keep figuring out who you truly are and do the fine work of weaving your identity outside of society expectations. Not easy, though - we have those expectations so internalized that it takes some time. For me it is about finding both the parts that are repressed and the parts that I have "exaggerated" and have become patterns. Not to eliminate them, but to integrate them in their right measure.

 

As Jackie said, a gender therapist can really help you sort the jumble of thoughts, doubts and fear that inevitably come with this amazing journey. It has been an invaluable help for me too.

 

I'm so glad to find another gender non conforming AFAB attracted to males. They are thin on the ground when I search the web or books. I know they are out there somewhere but they seem to be way less vocal than former lesbian identified folks.

 

So yes, you totally belong here, and I'm glad you joined us.

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Hi @justlauren!  nice to meet you and welcome.

 

I understand the desire to avoid labels, and that what we are really trying to do is break away from all the labeled "boxes" society has tried to stuff us in the first place.
Fortunately it sounds like you have a very supportive environment and partner and that is a big Plus+. 

16 hours ago, justlauren said:

That's why I'm here.

Then you found a great place, as it has also been a key element in my own turning point.  The other is gender therapy.  Even if you don't "feel" you need it, it is honestly the best environment to explore and find our true Self-Acceptance.


Welcome again❣️  Deep breaths ... one step at a time

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi justlauren,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

No worries about belonging here. You do!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

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Welcome @justlauren

22 hours ago, justlauren said:

All I know is that when I relax into the idea of being non-binary, I feel relief, I feel happier, I feel more myself…

It was that way for me as well.  I think that tells you something.

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Welcome justlauren!

 

On 2/2/2021 at 3:25 PM, justlauren said:

I think about it all the time and I want to talk about it.

 

Yeah.

 

On 2/2/2021 at 3:25 PM, justlauren said:

I am still sussing out what parts of my identity feel repressed because of dumb gender norms

You make me ask a third question.  The first two questions are, "What part of my identity is because of external gender norms."  "What part of my identity is biological thought patterns/feelings which match typical female/male patterns".

The third question is something like, "How unique are my patterns and do I have to accept being outside of the binary?" 

 

I've been thinking of non-binary as, "some of me is male and some of me is female", although the longer I process it the more I feel female and the less I like my male parts/patterns.  You remind me that I don't have to stay inside the male or female patterns.

 

However, I'd say I'm the opposite of you, gender binary-wise, because you feel happier expressing the male side and I feel happier expressing the female side.  Hmm.  How can we even talk about this without getting into binary norms?  :)

 

--Grace--

 

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On 2/2/2021 at 10:11 PM, Gabriel said:

 

Hi Lauren and welcome!

That's an excellent place to keep figuring out who you truly are and do the fine work of weaving your identity outside of society expectations. Not easy, though - we have those expectations so internalized that it takes some time. For me it is about finding both the parts that are repressed and the parts that I have "exaggerated" and have become patterns. Not to eliminate them, but to integrate them in their right measure.

 

As Jackie said, a gender therapist can really help you sort the jumble of thoughts, doubts and fear that inevitably come with this amazing journey. It has been an invaluable help for me too.

 

I'm so glad to find another gender non conforming AFAB attracted to males. They are thin on the ground when I search the web or books. I know they are out there somewhere but they seem to be way less vocal than former lesbian identified folks.

 

So yes, you totally belong here, and I'm glad you joined us.

Thanks for your note, Gabiel. Can you even believe it - I actually work with another gender non conforming AFAB attracted to males. I must ask him for more resources for us! I am happy to correspond with you on anything that's going on for you, if you're interested. Figuring this part of my orientation out has been transformative. Totally blows me away how shifting my perception of my own gender can change the way I experience sex with the person I've been having sex with for 12 years. Ok... ;)

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10 hours ago, GraceH said:

I've been thinking of non-binary as, "some of me is male and some of me is female", although the longer I process it the more I feel female and the less I like my male parts/patterns.  You remind me that I don't have to stay inside the male or female patterns.

 

However, I'd say I'm the opposite of you, gender binary-wise, because you feel happier expressing the male side and I feel happier expressing the female side.  Hmm.  How can we even talk about this without getting into binary norms?  :)

 

Hi Grace! I'm not sure I'd say I feel happier expressing my male side than my female side -- that's just what's new and exciting right now. And more prominent than I've allowed in my expression. I think I would say I'm genderfluid -- sometimes I like looking pretty or having a plunging neckline. We're coming at it from different starting places, but I sort of wonder if where we're landing isn't terribly different. Part of what I reject about the binary is that male and female are the only gender expression options. Because... what do they even mean, really? I say I like a plunging neckline. Can't a man like that too and still be a man? Men can wear makeup, they can have deep and loving friendships, etc. So, what does "male" even mean? There is definitely a dance between femme and masc, but it's not my only dance. Does this make sense? I don't know if it's true, or just true for me. I think there is an element of total liberation from the binary. But I'm super new to this and still figuring our where I'm landing. :) Thank you for posing these new questions. Journal time!!!

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