Came out to my ex wife today

[Drayse]

I kept waiting for the perfect time to tell my ex about me undergoing transition, but that time never came. So today I came out and told her over Messenger.

 

Her response:

I kind of suspected this for a while.  Express yourself however you have to.  I think you ve struggled with this for a while.

 

I have to admit that I've been a lot luckier than some and I'm so grateful.

 

[Jackie C.]

First off congratulations on realizing that there is no perfect time. ?

 

Secondly, congratulations on her being OK with it. Women notice more than you think. We're just too polite to say anything until you bring it up just in case it's a secret.

 

We might gossip about it with our girlfriends though. That happens.

 

Glad she's supportive though. We can always use more allies.

 

Hugs!

[Carolyn Marie]

Yes, I'd say that was pretty supportive.  Good on both of you!

 

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

That is wonderful news.  Hopefully she will be supportive as i know our Xs stay in our lives.  Honesty is so important.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Was she aware of this?  If not sometimes those close to us see things we refuse to admit.

 

Hopefully your relationship can grow.

[Drayse]

1 hour ago, Jani said:

Was she aware of this?

I do recall a conversation when we were still together about me having doubts about my gender. But she may not recall it.

 

Regardless, she's come to my work and seen me wearing nail polish or makeup, not that I haven't in the past but that was before we married. And she's very bright so I'd have been surprised if she didn't notice.

[Drayse]

My ex messaged me back and we spent time confessing stuff to each other. If I weren't on management duty I'd probably find a quiet corner to bawl in....

[Jani]

Maybe it was good you were on duty.  Stay focused to soak up all that was said.  I hope your relationship continues to be a good one.

 

Hugs, Jani

[HaraSurya]

I came out to my ex-wife as well and I don't want to derail the thread, but the reply was similar. I felt she simply didn't care what I did with my life now, but didn't seem surprised. Honestly, I think the best outcome of this situation is the relationship not changing other than, maybe, pronouns and names.

 

Your ex doesn't have to see it everyday, you're in her past. If it gives her, or you, closure on the problems in your relationship then wonderful.

[Drayse]

When my ex and I spoke the other day she was basically giving me absolution for much of what went wrong between us. Rightfully she couldn't absolve me of everything, just what she was responsible and had put onto me. For the past six years I had been carrying this guilt and, even though I told myself and could demonstrate that it wasn't all me, I didn't believe it deep down. So her words the other day brought such overwhelming relief that I strongly felt the need to weep. But I was on duty and staff were depending on me.

 

Why is it that whenever I need to connect to my emotional self I am required to deny that? This seems to be the story of my life. When I put my emotional needs off I almost inevitably end up doing so for an extended period of time. Perhaps it's a survival technique, but it really disconnects me from opportunities of intimacy, growth and healing that I might otherwise experience. It wasn't until I read another girl's story this morning that I remembered my own experience and my ex's words last week. Only now could I let myself have the cry I needed and release all the pain I've been holding in my heart all these years. Tears are still streaming down my face albeit at a much reduced rate.

 

I'm sorry for this long post my siblings, but I I just needed to share this with someone and I feel that this is as safe a place as any. I am a lot softer inside than many people I know tend assume just by looking at, or even interacting with me. My ex always used to accuse me of being a big softy.

[Charlize]

A good cry is often just what i need as well.  Like you i sometimes "soldier on" but the need comes back as do the tears.

The process of transition seemed full of tears.  I found the emotional highs and lows of transition were very hard to deal with.  I cried quite often even before any HRT.  Sharing here was important to me as well.  My brothers and sisters understand as few can.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jackie C.]

I'll cry in front of good friends. If I need to have a good cry and it isn't "socially acceptable," well, that's what the bathroom is for. Go freshen up and cry it out in a stall. It's perfectly OK and really, really helps.

 

I think you're feeling "guy pressure" to not cry. Guys aren't allowed to show emotion. Guys can be like, what? Angry and hungry? Anything else is off limits.

 

Girls though, girls get the full range of emotion. I've felt things that English doesn't have words for. Embrace your womanhood and let it out. You'll feel better.

 

Hugs!

[Drayse]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

I think you're feeling "guy pressure" to not cry. Guys aren't allowed to show emotion. Guys can be like, what? Angry and hungry? Anything else is off limits.

It's true you know. And if I were perceived as a girl they would allow it but complain about my work ethic. The system is rigged to prevent being human.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Drayse said:

It's true you know. And if I were perceived as a girl they would allow it but complain about my work ethic. The system is rigged to prevent being human.

 

I completely agree, but I can't go on a tear about it because that's not the subject of the thread.

 

I can still comfort you, wish you well and remind you to let it all out in private so your overlords aren't tempted to give you the gas. It's the same here. "Bad cogs" are not tolerated.

 

Hugs!

[Drayse]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

I can still comfort you, wish you well and remind you to let it all out in private so your overlords aren't tempted to give you the gas. It's the same here. "Bad cogs" are not tolerated.

???

[Jani]

Don't apologize for your post.  It was heartfelt.  Writing as well as speaking can be cathartic.  A good cry can release more than just tears.  Hugs.

 

Jani

[Drayse]

2 hours ago, Charlize said:

A good cry is often just what i need as well.  Like you i sometimes "soldier on" but the need comes back as do the tears.

 

2 hours ago, Charlize said:

Sharing here was important to me as well.  My brothers and sisters understand as few can.

❤️

[Drayse]

2 hours ago, Jani said:

Don't apologize for your post.  It was heartfelt.  Writing as well as speaking can be cathartic.  A good cry can release more than just tears.

❤️

[Ivy]

On 2/4/2021 at 12:20 PM, Drayse said:

Her response:

I kind of suspected this for a while.  Express yourself however you have to.  I think you ve struggled with this for a while.

It's surprising how much we try to hide, isn't hidden.

 

3 hours ago, Drayse said:

For the past six years I had been carrying this guilt and, even though I told myself and could demonstrate that it wasn't all me, I didn't believe it deep down.

I really blamed myself for our breakup.  It was only later that I could start to see that it wasn't all me.

 

 

[Betty K]

On 2/9/2021 at 10:59 PM, Charlize said:

The process of transition seemed full of tears.  I found the emotional highs and lows of transition were very hard to deal with.  I cried quite often even before any HRT.

 

Oh boy, this! I've barely taken the first step towards transition and I am crying my heart out. I'm a bit better this week, but last week was intense. So much to accept in order to move forward.

 

@Drayse I really feel for you being unable to cry at work, and I know that feeling of putting off my grief only to be unable to access it later. I'm glad you got there in the end.

 

Oh, and I'm pretty sure my ex will react just like yours did. I've been thinking of the times she seemed to be pressing me to admit I was more than a crossdresser, but I wasn't ready for it.

[Drayse]

9 hours ago, Betty K said:

On 2/9/2021 at 5:59 AM, Charlize said:

The process of transition seemed full of tears.  I found the emotional highs and lows of transition were very hard to deal with.  I cried quite often even before any HRT.

 

Oh boy, this! I've barely taken the first step towards transition and I am crying my heart out. I'm a bit better this week, but last week was intense. So much to accept in order to move forward

❤️ I think crying before starting transitioning is pretty common for folks like us. So much reflection involved....

 

9 hours ago, Betty K said:

I really feel for you being unable to cry at work, and I know that feeling of putting off my grief only to be unable to access it later. I'm glad you got there in the end.

Yeah, it really bothers me sometimes how robotic it has left me on occasion. I'm glad I was finally actually able to deal with it too, there was so much emotion to get ou.

[Drayse]

On 2/9/2021 at 7:50 AM, Jandi said:

On 2/4/2021 at 10:20 AM, Drayse said:

Her response:

I kind of suspected this for a while.  Express yourself however you have to.  I think you ve struggled with this for a while.

It's surprising how much we try to hide, isn't hidden.

Honestly, there are times I don't think I even really tried to hide much. I just felt an overwhelming need that was hard to explain, or would at least be embarrassing if I tried.

 

On 2/9/2021 at 7:50 AM, Jandi said:

I really blamed myself for our breakup.  It was only later that I could start to see that it wasn't all me.

❤️ I'm glad you found your closure.