Scared to Eat

[Margo]

I find myself scared to eat because I’ll gain weight and lose my small waist.  I feel I need the smallest waist possible to feel that my body matches my female mind.  It’s my only way to create an hourglass figure without surgery or HRT.  I set a lower weight limit but when I reach it, I find myself setting a newer lower limit.   I lose weight through exercise and limiting my food.   I know this is wrong but can’t seem to help myself and attribute this to wanting to look as female as possible (I’m closet transgender female.) I wondered if any others are in this mindset and how you deal with it.

 

Margo

[VickySGV]

You deal with it by getting a good therapist, and a nutritionist.    The therapist will help you discover new ways to see yourself as a female, but it is going to take some time, and during that time the nutritionist can help you see that you have enough healthy nutrients to at least do no harm to yourself. There are a couple of LGBTQ Centers near you that have health and counseling resources as well as ways to meet friends living near you.  You sound to me like the people with Anorexia Nervosa that we have had here over the years who did have some problems getting their lives together.  I think all of the ones we have seen did make it through to health but there were some close calls. 

 

My waist is measured in feet and not inches and nutrition goes from a set of charts by the American Diabetes Association. My hair and my glasses are probably the most feminine thing about me, other than my happiness at helping and nurturing people. That is a recent picture of me in my profile picture. One of my ways of doing that is by being active in a group of Trans siblings where it is a matter of accepting each other and encouraging each others talents.  My feminine part there is a smile that the group accepts, not to mention I am a pretty good cook who does my part cooking meals for when we are together.  Finding a group of Trans Friends, like we try to be here, who accept you and do not question who you are or care what you look like when you are here.  The real you will come out, and no matter what your body is like, that you will be beautiful.  

[Jackie C.]

Hey Margo!

 

Absolutely check with your nutritionist if you have one. Find one to talk to if you don't. I've been told that a vegetable-based diet (basically just plant proteins) helps immensely. I'd like a tinier waist myself. I limit calorie intake too, but I'm still looking to shave off a couple of pounds. Figure out what your body needs for day-to-day activities and use that as your yardstick. Even so, I don't limit it to extremes and I track my nutrients to be sure that my body is getting everything it needs. Basically, eat healthy and limit carbs and meats. Nothing with added sugars.

For working your core, don't use more than your body-weight as resistance for working your obliques and abdominal muscles. You don't want to bulk them up, you just need them firm. Working on your glutes (I have chronic white-girl butt) and thighs to make them a bit bigger helps them too. Surprisingly, working your back (lats especially) makes your waist look smaller and looks really nice. There's a pic of my back over in the "what are you wearing today" thread so you can see what I'm talking about. I'm no goddess (yet) but I've improved my look a lot.

Above all, be safe and don't hurt yourself.

 

Hugs!

[Margo]

Thanks to both of you for your insights and recommendations.  I've recently started with a therapist; she's the only non-on-line person that I've ever confided my transgender belief.   It was scary for me to come out to her because I was always fearful of anyone who could connect my two worlds.  

 

One of my challenges is how to resolve a conflict between the body I want and the body I feel the need to present in my work and other worlds.    I play in a competitive ice hockey league and a female body in a male locker room isn't exactly comfortable.  My wife has occasionally commented that I look, "too skinny" and I'm worried what she's thinking and yet internally treat it as a compliment.  I am a higher-end executive in a testosterone filled male environment which plays with my mind.   I am successful at work and I think it is because I can add a female perspective (although subtle) to the majority of what others think.  But bottom line is although I can present as an in-shape athletic male, I hate my body. 

 

I understand that the answers to the above are, "Just be myself" and I know that everyone here understands that simple statement to be hard to live.   That's s one of my major reasons for joining this site.  Thank you for your willingness to share.

 

Margo

[Jackie C.]

2 hours ago, Margo said:

One of my challenges is how to resolve a conflict between the body I want and the body I feel the need to present in my work and other worlds.    I play in a competitive ice hockey league and a female body in a male locker room isn't exactly comfortable.  My wife has occasionally commented that I look, "too skinny" and I'm worried what she's thinking and yet internally treat it as a compliment.  I am a higher-end executive in a testosterone filled male environment which plays with my mind.   I am successful at work and I think it is because I can add a female perspective (although subtle) to the majority of what others think.  But bottom line is although I can present as an in-shape athletic male, I hate my body.

 

Honestly, my metaphorical hat is off to you on that one. I feel like a spider on a hot plate in a men's locker room even before I started transitioning. Once my breasts started to come in I got really, really self-conscious (wasn't allowed in the ladies room because of local laws and I refuse to make my sisters uncomfortable). Of course, I also can't deal with sweaty-man smell anymore either. The point being I could in no way deal with what you're doing. My little brain would seize and explode. Little cogs and pinwheels everywhere.

 

Hugs!

[Teri Anne]

Margo I was so much like you when I was trying to figure out who or what I was gender wise.

I thought the only way to look how I felt was to do what you are doing now.

I did speak with a therapist  who dealt with gender issues.

She introduced me to hip pads and breast forms to help me to feel one with my inner feelings.

She explained I was starving myself  and a nutritionist agreed with her when I spoke with one.

I always felt horrible and weak and constantly i would come down with colds several times a year because my immunity was very low.

The last thing I wanted to do was wear breast forms or hip pads because  at that time I felt I would be living a lie and not be authentic.

I learned thru a friend who transitioned 20 years earlier  that the way I was thinking was BS and all wrong for so many reasons.

She explained to me you will always be yourself therefore you are authentic no matter if you present full time or part time.

You said you were "in the closet" so there is no reason to force your self to try and look female in boy mode.

I have been out since 2007 and don't have a boy mode anymore but if you have to live in the closet I understand.

Please don't starve yourself  is all I ask.

[Margo]

Teri Anne,

 

Thank you so much for this insightful post.  There’s a lot of what you state that resonates with me.  There are times where my mental picture of what myself takes over and I have the mental illusion of my preferred body.  I can almost feel it and imagine it must be like phantom pain or the phantom feelings of those unfortunate to have lost limbs but still feel like they have them.  That’s how I feel about my breasts, genitals and hips/butt sometimes.   It’s painful to then look in the mirror and see differently.  I’m doing ok food wise and fortunately in a recent annual physical my numbers are enviable for most.   If there’s a positive, it’s that I’m aware of what I’m doing.  

I’m very glad that you’re in a great personal place.  I am always encouraged by those with the strength to get where they need to be.

 

Again, my appreciation for your response,

Margo

[Teri Anne]

Margo life is a struggle for most but they don't show it much of the time, we all have issues.

I felt all those things about breasts,hips and butt and really that is pretty common in CDers and trans women so don't be too worried about that plenty of people feel the same way.

Dysphoria comes and goes for a lot of people and I still get it from time to time even tho' I have been out for 14 years.

I struggle with my weight and compulsive overeating disorder and it causes issues with how I feel I should look as a woman so I still deal with dysphoria on a different level.

I am so jealous of all the slim attractive ladies on here it make me mad at myself that I am not where I should be looks wise.

I still try my best to look nice and be the woman I was meant to be.