Being Un-manly Emotional

[xanyx]

I dunno what to do with it.

I'm supposed to be the strong one, the tought one, to stand like a rock, to keep my cool at all times.

I have no problem without courage and cuts, I can say I have more testicles than almost any bio-male I know.

But when it comes to personal relations I'm a bag of emotions worse than anything... it's so obvious to everyone that I'm an unstable insecure mess.

I dont' know what to do.

I use gym to develop toughness of character and it helps a lot to be decisive and aggressive. But it doesn't help to be able to stuff my emotions back where they're coming from...

Do you have any tricks you do to stay cool when you feel you know you're about about to ride estrogen-induced wave of emotions and meltdown *for now reason* (versus justified meltdown, like in another post)?

[Sally]

For starts those waves of emotion can come along even unjustified without estrogen.

I have been battling them all of my life and I was born a bio male.

I can only say that when you start to feel it get away from people as quickly as you can get somewhere alone and just let it out - I did it for years!

There is no real way to stop them, just a little bit of control can delay them but they have to find their way out.

Men having no emotions is an unreasonable and actually very harmful stereotype.

Love ya,

Sally

[xanyx]

Yes men have emotions, I mainly meant excessive emotions...

Well, you are MTF, so it's ok for you to be emotional, this is what makes you more feminine.. and me, it only screws me up.

It's a good idea to get far away from people, I do that--but then, in isolation it seems like stuff builds up even more.

I used tranquilizers before, but not much help...

I go workout, I practice dancing a lot... still can't suppress tsunami of emotions (when they get negative).

I was thinking of ice-cold showers even... My last landlady had a cat, petting the cat seemed to help a lot, but now I moved.

I'm thinking on starting some serious head medications just to completely numb myself and become indifferent to the world.

[xanyx]

I mean I know biomen get very strong emotions but at least biomen can control them better. I guess it's trained from the childhood.

I had no father growing up... and saw my mother being out of control, may be that's what it is. But there must be a way to train yourself.

I guess it might come with the price of becoming hardened, cynical

and cold, like many biomen.

[Guest Zabrak]

My boyfriend is biomale, and he cries way more then me - for tiny little things and big things.

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

I dunno what to do with it.

I'm supposed to be the strong one, the tought one, to stand like a rock, to keep my cool at all times.

I have no problem without courage and cuts, I can say I have more testicles than almost any bio-male I know.

But when it comes to personal relations I'm a bag of emotions worse than anything... it's so obvious to everyone that I'm an unstable insecure mess.

I dont' know what to do.

I use gym to develop toughness of character and it helps a lot to be decisive and aggressive. But it doesn't help to be able to stuff my emotions back where they're coming from...

Do you have any tricks you do to stay cool when you feel you know you're about about to ride estrogen-induced wave of emotions and meltdown *for now reason* (versus justified meltdown, like in another post)?

I'll tell you a secret I learned hanging around men. Men often end up playing peacekeeper in personal relationships. While men are often looking for "the zone" where they can feel chill and relaxed, they often find themselves looked to for support by others. It can be stressful on them.

Emotions are part and parcel to human existence, common to men and women... Everybody hurts, everybody cries... Everybody hurts, sometimes.

If you want to be a strong man about it, then go have your cry, feel sad, talk to your best friend about whatever is bothering you, then, when you're done, get up and move on. If it happens a WHOOOOLE lot, like if you're crying all the time, and feeling like a basket case, go find a councilor.

Also, being a man is not about being a stereotype of manhood. Almost everyone who meets my dad feels a great deal of respect and almost awe of him. And he is one of the kindest, most gentle humans in the State of Georgia. Like a Kung Fu master that doesn't need to show off. His strut is so subtle you can't even see it :-).

--Jeannine

[Guest Stuv]

Indeed, I am biomale, but I consistently score Androgyne on personal tests and I know I'm bisexual xD However.. My dad's pretty darn in touch with his feelings, 4 sisters will kind of force that on you. My family's completely controlled by women, as well.

Control of ones emotions, like control of absolutely everything, comes with practice. By yourself, or with a close friend or family member you can trust, explore your feelings and your own reactions to them. Keep a journal, of some sorts, if you think it would be helpful. Don't numb yourself, though; sometimes our emotions are all that we have connecting ourselves to this world.

Furthermore any doctor who'd give you pills to numb your emotions, well, I wouldn't be too fond of them is how I'll put it. I've been on stabilizers in the past, and I can tell you, there's a price.

As for a tip or a trick? Try pinching yourself.

[Guest Pól]

Well put, Jeannine. I agree with everything you said 100%. Well, except the part about your dad because I've never met him, obviously (well, I'm assuming I've never met him, but what with 'it's a small world' and all that, I suppose it's possible). But I'm sure your dad is a fantastic specimen of a human being, all the same.

That said, I know I have a lot of trouble recognising and handling emotions in general. I'm kind of playing catch-up on all that stuff. Being kinda numb about a lot of stuff just makes everything worse...trust me.

[Guest April63]

Excessive emotion isn't super masculine, but I don't think it's a problem. There are a lot of guys who are more emotional these days anyway.

But if you really want to toughen it, you just have to make the conscious decision and push for it. It's a discipline that may take time for you to learn, and there's really no easy way to do it. It's like trying to keep a straight face when you hear a really funny joke. It just takes discipline.

[xanyx]

I guess I had to little exposure to biomales... I know my father will only scream in rage and then completely withdraw and cut you off for a while: I can not imagine my father crying or being weak. Also the guys I know in daily life, like at school, they are so cool always. They handle rejection by girls just fine, they don't let girls upset them too much or control their emotions. I never saw a biomale crying in my entire life... plenty of women though.

I just I just don't know much about men. But for sure when I tried to date them they were tough as stone, I couldn't even compare remotely.

But it's males to go to war. Who do tough jobs. Who for the most part pump iron in the gym.

My mother taught me that males are not emotional... I grew up thinking they have no emotions at all.

For sure they have them... just not as wild as me, I'm like a hormonal rollicoaster

[xanyx]

Excessive emotion isn't super masculine, but I don't think it's a problem. There are a lot of guys who are more emotional these days anyway.

But if you really want to toughen it, you just have to make the conscious decision and push for it. It's a discipline that may take time for you to learn, and there's really no easy way to do it. It's like trying to keep a straight face when you hear a really funny joke. It just takes discipline.

Yes, I guess that's what I'm going to do. Numbing pills will only make the problem worse when you're off pills.

I'm going to start practicing on purpose. Already toughened up a lot. Like tolerating pain at the gym--holding painful stretch for 5 minutes.

Too bad there's no simple at-home way to train handling rejection and being put down...

I have an idea... walking around the streets in Hollywood dressed like homeless and picking cans out of garbage. This should teach me alot of mental

toughness and being detached from emotions I think.

[Guest Zabrak]

I guess I had to little exposure to biomales... I know my father will only scream in rage and then completely withdraw and cut you off for a while: I can not imagine my father crying or being weak. Also the guys I know in daily life, like at school, they are so cool always. They handle rejection by girls just fine, they don't let girls upset them too much or control their emotions. I never saw a biomale crying in my entire life... plenty of women though.

I just I just don't know much about men. But for sure when I tried to date them they were tough as stone, I couldn't even compare remotely.

But it's males to go to war. Who do tough jobs. Who for the most part pump iron in the gym.

My mother taught me that males are not emotional... I grew up thinking they have no emotions at all.

For sure they have them... just not as wild as me, I'm like a hormonal rollicoaster

I think thats a bit of a stereotype. Unless I was born with no hormones.

Being born bio female, I never have shown emotion in real life. But it has nothing to do with not being in touch with my emotions, I can express them here just fine. Its more to do with how I was raised - I was raised to shut up, smile, and do as I'm told. I was thrown in a cold shower by a step dad, around the age of 10, if I cried and only allowed out of it when I said I wouldn't do it again. No one cared if I was not feeling good, because I was just there to please the people around me.

It takes training - I don't think it has anything to do with hormones.

[Guest Evan_J]

Don't shoot for "being numb". Please. You wouldn't like it. I had a period in my life where I was unable to cry at all. You won't like it.

I come from a family where "being tough " was put on a premium both for girls AND boys . The only way usually people come out with these "unfeeling" personalities is being beaten (typically) for having them. In my family if you wanted a sure way to get your behind whooped, let another kid hit you and start crying. The directive was "fight them". Crying and running and telling got your butt whooped. I watched one of these kids I was raised with with his own son (then 3) and if this kid cried about ANYthing his father spanked him and told him (yep at 3 ) "what are you? a p*ssy?" Bear in mind, all the physical punishing turned the father in a physically abusive mate (this is the man who beat his then pregnant "baby's mama" down two flights of stairs and into the street for "getting pregnant on him" )before turning him into a physically and mentally abusive parent. And hand down the sicknesses

[xanyx]

Yes beatings will turn a person into a future slave or abuser...

Don't get me wrong, me too had "toughness training" as a child: being beaten, cold showers, I was put into sports since age 7, always doing sports (some of which were dangerous ones), beaten if refused sport practice. I'm tough: I can run miles when I'm exhausted... can push weights when I feel like I can't do it...

I can control pain, exhaustion, fear!

Totally different when it comes to human relations though...

[Guest Zabrak]

Yes beatings will turn a person into a future slave or abuser...

Don't get me wrong, me too had "toughness training" as a child: being beaten, cold showers, I was put into sports since age 7, always doing sports (some of which were dangerous ones), beaten if refused sport practice. I'm tough: I can run miles when I'm exhausted... can push weights when I feel like I can't do it...

I can control pain, exhaustion, fear!

Totally different when it comes to human relations though...

Hmm...well it went the other way for me. I just don't show others in real life how I feel...I suppose the effects of childhood varies from person to person.

Kinda like some kids get into drugs and boozes because their parents are on it, well others never touch the stuff just because their parents did it.

[Guest Pól]

Yes beatings will turn a person into a future slave or abuser...

I'm not sure if this was sarcastic or not, but this is a little offensive if you meant it seriously. Like Zabrak said, I think it varies from person to person, and people don't have to be either one of those. That period that Evan's talking about, about being unable to cry? I'm still there. It's not a good thing.

Apologies for being thick if that was sarcasm, but I'm honestly not sure what you meant by that.

[Guest Zabrak]

Oops, my bad. I'm getting slow at picking up those kind of hidden spiteful comments. I hope you didn't mean that in a rude way, xanyx. Many have went through abusive things and I will remind you that this is a support site, so we are here to comfort people.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

God help us we are so screwed up! I know we are all trans-something here or at best gender dysphoric. Emotions? Oh My Goodness do we have them, and we have all these stereotype ideas!

My dad beat the peewaddly outa me so many times that I learned never to cry when he did so because it only made it worse. I had to build a suit of armor to survive the male games at school. I couldn't cry when I wanted, so...

I just got angry...

I just got super aggressive...

I just broke things...

It was the accepted way... people understood that's how I acted out my male frustrtion... well, they never realized I was also countering my real impulses... and the tesosterone running in my body made it worse... don't cry, destroy - augggggghhhh

So I did this in relationships. When I screwed up and hurt someone - ANGER! If it was my fault (usually was) FLY INTO A RAGE. What I really wanted to say is 'I am SOOOOO sorry!" No... couldn't. Wouldn't be acceptable.

So to answer the TOPIC - was I ever un-manley emotional? YES - but internally - and secretly - sobbing my eyes out behind closed doors. How could I be like that, acting out - it wasn't me... Testosterone poisoning? Probably - didn't help.

BUT on HRT now - estrogen? It helps - but I still RAGE sometimes, old habit - I still lash out sometime - still using those male tools - powerful tools - scary power being masculine - bull your way through to a solution.

But the difference? Its diminishing now. That's good. BUT the main thing? Bad move in a relationship? Afterwards I cry for two hours, openly and unabasedly... I am soooo upset. I am soooo ready to never do it again - to hurt someone.

I know relationships are tough. I know it is soooo easy to lose it... lose your cool.... lash out... or just sob and sob!

I am coming from the opposite direction - MTF. I see my aggrssion turning away and becoming emotional regression into a misery that is resolved by crying my eyes out. I am losing my armor and learning how to handle a very volutile female reaction, remorse and a feeling of rejection. It's difficult to handle this change, but it works in ways that make me feel more secure in my being - as I have always really been female anyway. It's an expresion of my being now, something I need not hide anymore.

As a FTM, you will build that suit of armor. You will learn to 'suck it up." I wouldn't want it, just like you hate being 'un-manly emotional." So we pass like two trains on parallel tracks going opposite ways.

I suppose we will transition - our problems are our missing childhoods. I missed my girlhood, you missed your boyhood. It is difficult for me to go back to what I need to be - a 14 year old girl talking with my friends about relationships. It is difficult for you to go back and be on the freshman footbll team getting the snot beat out of you by upperclassmen.

But we learn. Transition will make us approximations of out true selves. I may still rage a bit as a woman, you will still cry a bit as a man. BUT if you think it out?

We are dual natured anyway - so it's no big deal.

WOW

Opinionted tonight!

Lizzy

[Guest 1charlotte1]

For starts those waves of emotion can come along even unjustified without estrogen.

I have been battling them all of my life and I was born a bio male.

I can only say that when you start to feel it get away from people as quickly as you can get somewhere alone and just let it out - I did it for years!

There is no real way to stop them, just a little bit of control can delay them but they have to find their way out.

Men having no emotions is an unreasonable and actually very harmful stereotype.

Love ya,

Sally

I agree, for me. When I play a male. What didn't come out in tears came out in blood. I hate my scars

[xanyx]

I quoted some writer with that phrase. Myself, I struggle with both tendencies, and I blame it on childhood abuse.

[xanyx]

My comment wasn't spiteful.

As to being a support site... I'll rather take a freedom of speech at any time, anywhere

I stand by what was sad: because I haven't seen a one childhood-abused person without these tendencies.

[Guest Zabrak]

Thats good but my warning has nothing to do with freedom of speech. Its a forum rule to be respectful to others here.

You can PM me if you have any concerns or questions.

Anyway, back on topic!

Yes, most kids show some sign of abuse.

[Guest CharlieRose]

I mean I know biomen get very strong emotions but at least biomen can control them better. I guess it's trained from the childhood.

I had no father growing up... and saw my mother being out of control, may be that's what it is. But there must be a way to train yourself.

I guess it might come with the price of becoming hardened, cynical

and cold, like many biomen.

That sounds kind of exactly like me. That was why I started self-injuring. It was a way to control my otherwise uncontrollable crying. There's a big, wide scar on my leg where I thought I wasn't even cutting myself in a manly enough way, shouldn't I be able to handle the pain enough to leave a scar for more than a couple days? So I cut extra deep and poured vinegar on it. It sure is scarred now, and probably will be for the rest of my life. My trophy of manliness.

I don't cut anymore, but I still struggle with being an emotional person, 'cause, really, I am. I find things cute, too. I was raised in an all-girl household with babies... Someone says "That's so cute" like every five seconds...

Gah! I have to stop making excuses. This is who I am. And I have to deal with it. Emotions happen. They're not bad things. They mean I'm human, I'm passionate.

[Guest Jackson]

I think that sometimes the ability to control one's emotions comes from within. Now my family (both paternal and maternal) are very stoic. We express positive emotions like happiness and humor; however, we do not express grief and anger very well. When my paternal grandmother died, the whole family got a talking to from the pastor because not one of us cried. For me growing up, I learned that grief is a very private emotion. Therefore, I do not usually cry in front of others. This has nothing to do with gender.

I wonder if this doesn't come from the social norms and mores that my ancestors came from. There have been studies that look at different nationalities and how these different groups express emotion.

I know now at least with the advent of T, I am a lot less on an emotional rollercoaster, but this also has a lot to do with realizing what is important in my life that I should get worked up about and what is not important in my life where excessive emotions are just a waste of energy.

[Guest Evan_J]

Yes beatings will turn a person into a future slave or abuser...

Don't get me wrong, me too had "toughness training" as a child: being beaten, cold showers, I was put into sports since age 7, always doing sports (some of which were dangerous ones), beaten if refused sport practice. I'm tough: I can run miles when I'm exhausted... can push weights when I feel like I can't do it...

I can control pain, exhaustion, fear!

Totally different when it comes to human relations though...

But here's the thing bro, you make it sound as if you think all of those things (being able to keep punishing your body past its limits , tolerate phenomenal amounts of pain etc.) are things to be admired. In truth they're not Sure, we were raised to think they were, but truthfully, all they are are the earmarkings of someone emotionally damaged.

The mirror opposite of the slave is no less imprisoned.

"Health" means being able to have both strength and weakness and be ok with the fact that you have. I worry that you "hate" any weakness. If that's not so then forgive me.

If its just that you don't want to be waaaaaaay excessively able to feel with regard to personal relationships? Maybe wait for the T. It'll cut out the excessive things. You'll still feel. Don't think you suddenly turn into some "brick wall". But you'll tend toward more practicality in a lot of matters.