Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Thoughts about coming out to spouse


SheenaT

Recommended Posts

Just when I think I'm getting ready and formulating the words she makes some comments about those transgender people. Like a knife in the heart with each cruel word!?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Well then it looks like it's going to be your job to educate her. It could just be a case of not knowing (or not knowing that she knows) any other trans people. I mean she obviously knows you. How many others have slipped underneath her radar? There's a lot of negativity towards trans people out there. How much of it does she really believe and how much of it is just parroting talking points she's heard on the TV or the radio?

 

That said, some people are reachable, some are not. I've been disowned by family. They have to want to be reached. You're going to need a contingency plan for, "What happens if I come out to my spouse and she reacts poorly?" I'm not sure how much pain you're in exactly, but I can tell you that if I hadn't come out when I did the only way you'd be able to talk to me would be with an Ouija board. Consider your options and do what you need to do to keep moving forward.

 

If things blow up in your face, we'll be here to help you pick up the pieces. We're good at support.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Here's a hug & a shoulder! I've been wondering what to say to my wife. I need to tell her I just don't want to hurt her. She surprised me one day when I was dolled up about six years ago. That's an interesting story for a later date. I think people fear the unknown & what they don't understand. I know I can if I don't keep an open mind & have faith. Not to mention the stigma society places on anyone different. Someday I hope it will be different; acceptance is growing it just doesn't seem fast to be coming fast enough.

 

Chin up girl!

 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Well then it looks like it's going to be your job to educate her. It could just be a case of not knowing (or not knowing that she knows) any other trans people. I mean she obviously knows you. How many others have slipped underneath her radar? There's a lot of negativity towards trans people out there. How much of it does she really believe and how much of it is just parroting talking points she's heard on the TV or the radio?

 

That said, some people are reachable, some are not. I've been disowned by family. They have to want to be reached. You're going to need a contingency plan for, "What happens if I come out to my spouse and she reacts poorly?" I'm not sure how much pain you're in exactly, but I can tell you that if I hadn't come out when I did the only way you'd be able to talk to me would be with an Ouija board. Consider your options and do what you need to do to keep moving forward.

 

If things blow up in your face, we'll be here to help you pick up the pieces. We're good at support.

 

Hugs!

Thank you. I'll know more after talking to my therapist but I anticipate a VERY ROUGH ROAD AHEAD!

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Delcina B said:

Here's a hug & a shoulder! I've been wondering what to say to my wife. I need to tell her I just don't want to hurt her. She surprised me one day when I was dolled up about six years ago. That's an interesting story for a later date. I think people fear the unknown & what they don't understand. I know I can if I don't keep an open mind & have faith. Not to mention the stigma society places on anyone different. Someday I hope it will be different; acceptance is growing it just doesn't seem fast to be coming fast enough.

 

Chin up girl!

 

?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Well, if being trans was easy everyone would do it.

 

OK, not really, but we'd transition sooner, there would be less hiding to avoid consequences (social, monetary, etc...) and we'd happily integrate into society as our chosen gender. There would also be ice cream. It would be lactose free if you needed it and taste wonderful.

 

The point being that being trans can be a very rough road no matter what you have to deal with and how you deal with it. Transitioning has social consequences and is expensive. Not transitioning damages your mental health. There's no road map to success. We all need to find the solutions in our own lives that have the best results for us.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Most people have a pretty distorted idea of what transgender means. Some can be won over easily. Others take a lot of work. Then there are those that will only believe their own "facts" and not want to hear or know the truth. It is hard to figure out ahead of time which one of those someone will be, because almost all cis-people seem anti trans until they get to know one of us.

 

I pray your wife is one of the first two categories. As you know, mine was number two.

 

Hugs,

Mike

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Confused1 said:

Most people have a pretty distorted idea of what transgender means. Some can be won over easily. Others take a lot of work. Then there are those that will only believe their own "facts" and not want to hear or know the truth. It is hard to figure out ahead of time which one of those someone will be, because almost all cis-people seem anti trans until they get to know one of us.

 

I pray your wife is one of the first two categories. As you know, mine was number two.

 

Hugs,

Mike

? thanks sis. It will be really difficult 

Link to comment

While I agree you MAY have a rough road ahead, it may not be as tough as you think.  You are worried about hurting your wife, I get that. I felt the same way.  However, my wife was hurting just watching me withdraw and suffer in silence. She didn't know why I was being that way but felt the relationship was about to crumble.  When I finally came out to her she said it was a relief because being with a transgender woman was far better than a relationship without communication and trust which is where she thought we were heading.  I was blown away.  So here's the thing, hold back and not tell her and risk the relationship becoming toxic from deception or tell her and risk the relationship breaking apart because she didn't sign up to be a transgendered person's wife. There is a risk either way. Or- it may turn out to be good or at least something that can be work through with therapy.   The risk factor always comes down to "how good of a relationship is it now". 

Good luck, I know it's torturous at this point in your decision process. and as Jackie said, have a life backup plan for support/housing etc in case it does goes south. I had already scoped out cheap housing and looked at my budget to see if I could survive without financial help and knew I could do it albeit with a lot of scaling back. 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Bri2020 said:

While I agree you MAY have a rough road ahead, it may not be as tough as you think.  You are worried about hurting your wife, I get that. I felt the same way.  However, my wife was hurting just watching me withdraw and suffer in silence. She didn't know why I was being that way but felt the relationship was about to crumble.  When I finally came out to her she said it was a relief because being with a transgender woman was far better than a relationship without communication and trust which is where she thought we were heading.  I was blown away.  So here's the thing, hold back and not tell her and risk the relationship becoming toxic from deception or tell her and risk the relationship breaking apart because she didn't sign up to be a transgendered person's wife. There is a risk either way. Or- it may turn out to be good or at least something that can be work through with therapy.   The risk factor always comes down to "how good of a relationship is it now". 

Good luck, I know it's torturous at this point in your decision process. and as Jackie said, have a life backup plan for support/housing etc in case it does goes south. I had already scoped out cheap housing and looked at my budget to see if I could survive without financial help and knew I could do it albeit with a lot of scaling back. 

Thank you. I need encouragement right now.

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Bri2020 said:

While I agree you MAY have a rough road ahead, it may not be as tough as you think.  You are worried about hurting your wife, I get that. I felt the same way.  However, my wife was hurting just watching me withdraw and suffer in silence. She didn't know why I was being that way but felt the relationship was about to crumble.  When I finally came out to her she said it was a relief because being with a transgender woman was far better than a relationship without communication and trust which is where she thought we were heading.  I was blown away.  So here's the thing, hold back and not tell her and risk the relationship becoming toxic from deception or tell her and risk the relationship breaking apart because she didn't sign up to be a transgendered person's wife. There is a risk either way. Or- it may turn out to be good or at least something that can be work through with therapy.   The risk factor always comes down to "how good of a relationship is it now". 

Good luck, I know it's torturous at this point in your decision process. and as Jackie said, have a life backup plan for support/housing etc in case it does goes south. I had already scoped out cheap housing and looked at my budget to see if I could survive without financial help and knew I could do it albeit with a lot of scaling back. 

Wise words. I know she has trust issues as evidenced by her behavior towards me i.e. wanting to know where I am and what I'm doing constantly. If I'm not with someone she knows she wants to know why etc. It has made me quite angry at times. I can't seem to go anywhere or do anything unless it's in secret unless she approves.

Link to comment

I can echo all the above, and you may have read how I did it- Strangest ways of coming out... Not totally recommended if your relationship isn't as "Creative" as mine. 

 

The worst one I had to do was actually my boss. Everyone in the office knew about me and so I went to talk with my boss who is bit of a dinosaur. Nice fella, but opinionated. I told him about my depression and how it was started by low testosterone and some realisation about myself, when he interrupted me... "Well, we all get problems as we get older. the ones I don't get are those F*king Perves. Forty, married, Couple of kids. Suddenly decide they want to be a F*king woman! What's that all about?". I told him I would speak with him later and crept out of his office about 3" high.

 

It took me six months to try again, and after several "Are you sure about this" and with 10 other members of staff looking on through the window, he eventually looked back at me and gave me a hug. He admitted he was a dinosaur, but said he wasn't afraid to evolve with my help. Actually, he's never failed to call me Tamsyn or call me She / her. in the six months since.

 

I think the answer is- give her a chance. You need to be you. If it fails, it fails. Nothing can change that.

Link to comment
4 hours ago, gina-nicole-t said:

@SheenaT my ex-fiance did the same thing to me that your wife is doing to you now. This is why she is blocked from calling me now. I tried explaining everything to her over and over again. I even told her I would put off GCS for her, then she decided at the 11th hour she didn't want me to transition at all. I told her that was not her choice since we are not together, and now are not going to be together since you can't be any kind of supportive. Obviously you are a grown person that has her own mind, and can make her own choices, however if your wife can't support you maybe it's time to move on. You can try to educate her, but if she continues to make derogatory comments about transgender people there comes a time to make a choice to stay in a toxic relationship, or move on for your safety and mental wellbeing. 

Respectfully, 

Gina 

Thank you Gina ?

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   12 Members, 0 Anonymous, 196 Guests (See full list)

    • Ashley0616
    • Ivy
    • Karen Carey
    • LucyF
    • SamC
    • Mmindy
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • April Marie
    • Petra Jane
    • MaryEllen
    • Wicked juggalo
    • MaeBe
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,029
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Selkimur
    Newest Member
    Selkimur
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Anyatimenow
      Anyatimenow
      (23 years old)
    2. Aria00
      Aria00
    3. Ava B.
      Ava B.
      (24 years old)
    4. Claire Heshi
      Claire Heshi
    5. CrystalMatthews0426
      CrystalMatthews0426
      (41 years old)
  • Posts

    • LucyF
      I've got Spironolactone 100mg and Evorel 50mcg Patches (2 a week) going up to 100mg after 4 weeks 
    • Ivy
      Got a new Granddaughter this morning.  Mother and child (and father) are doing fine. This makes 7 granddaughters and one grandson.  I have 2 sons and 6 daughters myself.  And then I  switched teams.  I think this stuff runs in the family. Another hard day for the patriarchy.
    • Ivy
      Like @MaeBe pointed out, Trump won't do these things personally.  I doubt that he actually gives a rat's a$$ himself.  But he is the foot in the door for the others.   I don't really see this.  Personally, I am all in favor of "traditional" families.  I raised my own kids this way and it can work fine.  But I think we need to allow for other variations as well.   One thing working against this now is how hard it is for a single breadwinner to support a family.  Many people (I know some) would prefer "traditional" if they could actually afford it.  Like I mentioned, we raised our family with this model, but we were always right at the poverty level.   I was a "conservative evangelical" for most of my life, actually.  So I do understand this.  Admittedly, I no longer consider myself one. I have family members still in this camp.  Some tolerate me, one actually rejects me.  I assure you the rejection is on her side, not mine.  But, I understand she believes what she is doing is right - 'sa pity though. I mean no insult toward anyone on this forum.  You're free to disagree with me.  Many people do.   This is a pretty complex one.  Socialism takes many forms, many of which we accept without even realizing it.  "Classism" does exist, for what it's worth.  Always has, probably always will.  But I don't feel like that is a subject for this forum.   As for the election, it's shaping up to be another one of those "hold your nose" deals.
    • Ivy
      Just some exerts regarding subjects of interest to me.
    • Ivy
      Yeah.  In my early teens I trained myself out of a few things that I now wish I hadn't.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I was thinking in particular of BLM, who years ago had a 'What We Believe' section that sounded like they were at war with the nuclear family.   I tried to find it. Nope.  Of interest https://www.politifact.com/article/2020/aug/28/ask-politifact-does-black-lives-matter-aim-destroy/   My time is limited and I will try to answer as I can.
    • Ivy
      Well, I suppose it is possible that they don't actually plan on doing what they say.  I'm not too sure I want to take that chance.  But I kinda expect to find out.  Yet, perhaps you're right and it's all just talk.  And anyway, my state GOP is giving me enough to worry about anyway. I remember a time when being "woke" just meant you were paying attention.  Now it means you are the antichrist. I just don't want the government "protecting" me from my personal "delusions."
    • MaeBe
      1.  I think there are some legitimate concern.   2. Thoroughly discussing this will consume many threads.   3. I disagree partially with @MaeBe but there is partial agreement.   4. The context includes what is happening in society that the authors are observing.  It is not an isolated document.   The observation is through a certain lens, because people do things differently doesn't mean they're doing it wrong. Honestly, a lot of the conservative rhetoric is morphing desires of people to be treated with respect and social equity to be tantamount to the absolution of the family, heterosexuality, etc. Also, being quiet and trying to blend in doesn't change anything. Show me a social change that benefits a minority or marginalized group that didn't need to be loud.   5. Trump, if elected, is as likely to spend his energies going after political opponents as he is to implementing something like this.   Trump will appoint people to do this, like Roger Severino (who was appointed before, who has a record of anti-LGBTQ+ actions), he need not do anything beyond this. His people are ready to push this agenda forward. While the conservative right rails about bureaucracy, they intend to weaponize it. There is no question. They don't want to simplify government, they simply want to fire everyone and bring in conservative "warriors" (their rhetoric). Does America survive 4 year cycles of purge/cronyism?   6. I reject critical theory, which is based on Marxism.  Marxism has never worked and never will.  Critical theory has problems which would need time to go into, which I do not have.   OK, but this seems like every other time CRT comes up with conservatives...completely out of the blue. I think it's reference is mostly just to spark outrage from the base. Definitely food thought for a different thread, though.   7. There are groups who have declared war on the nuclear family as problematically patriarchal, and a lot of other terms. They are easy to find on the internet.  This document is reacting to that (see #4 above).   What is the war on the nuclear family? I searched online and couldn't find much other than reasons why people aren't getting married as much or having kids (that wasn't a propaganda from Heritage or opinions pieces from the right that paint with really broad strokes). Easy things to see: the upward mobility and agency of women, the massive cost of rearing children, general negative attitudes about the future, male insecurity, etc. None of this equates to a war on the nuclear family, but I guess if you look at it as "men should be breadwinners and women must get married for financial support and extend the male family line (and to promote "National Greatness") I could see the decline of marriage as a sign of the collapse of a titled system and, if I was a beneficiary of that system or believe that to NOT be tilted, be aggrieved.   8.  Much of this would have to be legislated, and this is a policy documented.  Implementation would  be most likely different, but that does not mean criticism is unwarranted.   "It might be different if you just give it a chance", unlike all the other legislation that's out there targeting LGBTQ+ from the right, these are going to be different? First it will be trans rights, then it will be gay marriage, and then what? Women's suffrage?   I get it, we may have different compasses, but it's not hard to see that there's no place for queer people in the conservative worldview. There seems to be a consistent insistence that "America was and is no longer Great", as if the 1950s were the pinnacle of society, completely ignoring how great America still is and can continue to be--without having to regress society to the low standards of its patriarchal yesteryears.    
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Cadillac parts are pretty expensive, so repairing them costs more.  But they don't seem to break down more than other makes.  Lots of Lincoln models use Ford cars as a base, so you can get parts that aren't much more expensive.    My family has had good luck with "Panther platform" cars.  Ford Crown Victoria, Mercury Marquis, Lincoln Towncar or Continental.  4.6 V8 and 5.0 V8.  Reasonable fuel economy, and fairly durable.  Our county sheriff's office was running Chargers and SUV's for a while, but has gone back to older Crown Victorias for ease of maintenance.  GF rebuilds them here.  But they are getting more scarce, since the newest ones were made in 2011.    1992-1997 years were different than the later years.  1998-2001 they did some changes, and apparently the best years are 2003 to 2011.  Check Craigslist, and also government auctions.  GF has gotten a lot of them at auction, and they can be had in rough-but-running shape for around $1,000.  Ones in great shape can be found in the $5,000+ range.  Good for 200,000 miles without significant rebuilding.  Go through engine and transmission and electrical systems, and they go half a million.    Some Chrysler models are OK.  The 300 mostly has the same engines as the Charger and Challenger, so parts availability is pretty good.  But they tend to get timing issues.  The older Chrysler Sebring convertibles were pretty reliable, sometimes going 200,000 miles without tons of problems, although after that they were pretty much worn out. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I think I have read everything the Southern Baptists have to say on transgender, and it helped convince me they are dead wrong on these issues.  They can be nice people.  I would never join an SBC church.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      You come across as a thoughtful, sweet, interesting and pleasant person.    There are parts of this country, and more so the world, where evangelicals experience a great deal of finger wagging.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      It has been an interesting experience being in a marriage in a Christian faith community, yet being intersex/trans.  I stay pretty quiet, and most have kind of accepted that I'm just the strange, harmless exception.  "Oh, that's just Jen.  Jen is...different."  I define success as being a person most folks just overlook. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, I live in an area with a lot of Southern Baptists, Evangelicals, etc...  We've experienced our share of finger-wagging, as the "standard interpretation" of Scripture in the USA is that the Bible only approves of "one man, one woman" marriage.  My faith community is mostly accepted here, but that has taken time and effort.  It can be tough at times to continue to engage with culture and the broader population, and avoid the temptation to huddle up behind walls like a cult.    Tolerance only goes so far.  At one point, my husband was asked to run for sheriff.  He declined, partly because an elected official with four wives would have a REALLY tough time.  (Of course, making way less than his current salary wasn't an option either). 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      My bone structure is far more female than male.  I can't throw like a guy, which has been observed by guys numerous times, and moving like a woman is more natural.  It just is.  I'm not going out of my way to act in a fem. way, as you say, but I am letting go of some of the 'I am not going to move like that because I am a guy' stuff I have defensively developed.  The other breaks through anyway - there were numerous looks from people at work when I would use gestures that are forbidden to men, or say something spontaneously no guy would ever say.   At one point, maybe a year or more ago, I said it was unfair for people to think they were dealing with a man when they were actually dealing with a woman.    Girl here.  'What is a woman' is a topic for another day.
    • Willow
      Mom, I’m home!  What’s for lunch?   Leftover pizza .   ok.    Not exactly our conversation but there is truth in the answer.     @KymmieLsorry you are sick. Feel better soon.   Girl mode, boy mode no mode, not us. Nothing functional for either of us.   anyone here have or had a 10 year old (plus or minus) Caddy, Lincoln or Chrysler?  How was it?  Lots of repairs?  Comfortable seats? Anything positive or negative about it?  I need to replace my 2004 Ford Explorer Eddie Bauer, it’s eating $100 dollar bills and needs a couple of thousand dollars worth of work and that doesn’t even fix the check engine code.  Obviously, it isn’t worth putting that kind of money into a 20 year old car with a 174 thousand miles.   Willow
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...