Physically Female To My Parents

[Guest Neuro]

My mother sent me an e-mail this morning because we are discussing therapists. She doesn't want me to go to one who discusses past lives or Eastern medicine or anything 'weird' like that, which I guess I understand from their point of view... I do not think my possible "past Lives" have anything to do with who I should live as today.

She said I could go to the session wearing men's clothes if I had any by then, but also told me this:

"You mean dressing a a man? Depends on clothing you have for the first visits;but part of what you'll deal with is that question. As far as the world and Papa and I,are concerned you are a woman. Bathrooms, changing rooms etc. Don't worry too much about that.

I still have to get the psychiatrist who might have people in mind too."

I don't understand what that means. I am physically female, but she seems to be saying that to the world and to THEM that I am 100% a woman?? That all of the work I put into passing in restrooms and trying to introduce myself as a man is a waste, because I'm a woman and nothing can change that?????

I asked her what she meant, she has not replied yet. I told her that YES, using the RIGHT restroom and such makes me feel good and it only seems right because in my heart I am not a woman.

How can I 'not worry too much about that?' I don't think anyone seems to really understand (aside from on here) ...Maybe in their eyes transsexualism is still an evil mental disease.

I don't know. I am wondering if she will try to control me from starting to transition... Or if I'm reading too much into this.

See ya.

--Michael

[Sally]

I will tell you what a good friend told me that parents tend to think of their child as 'their child', nothing will ever change that but they can be informed about what is best for you and then maybe they will put the needs of the child ahead of their own comfort and memories.

This is hard them too.

Always remember that when you are feeling like they are all that is standing between you and transitioning.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest leo]

dude dont worried

she sounds quite accepting, im not sure what she means

but it does take time to get used to it,

a very long time

but you'll be ok

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I think maybe your mom just doesn't understand. Mine didn't at first, though she still tried very hard to be supportive. Most people's understanding of gender is often pretty undeveloped. I think what your mom might be saying is that the world still sees you as female because you've tried to blend in as one for most of your life. Maybe...

Your mom might be concerned about you getting into trouble for being in what she sees as the "wrong" bathroom or changing room.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Sometimes it's hard to get one's point across in an email.

[Guest MrAwesome]

Go into the parent pf transgender children forums. It's under Sallys name I think, but I have a post about my experience as FTM, and what I suggest for people with FTM children. go look for it, and see if you think it will help. Maybe I can try to write a letter to your parents, in particular. I do have some clothes (A sasuke shirt, a Gaara shirt, and I could pick up a pair of shorts for you) if you want me to send you something. I'll do just about anything to help you in your case.

[Guest Neuro]

Aw you don't have to send me anything, MrAwesome XD

You're right, I guess it takes time to get used to. Still =_= youthful impatience, I be havin'.

I just hope that someday they'll be able to stop seeing me as their little girl with the pink bow and think about a good future rather than clinging onto a past that was uncomfortable and sad.

[Guest Liam]

Parents have a hard time understanding their children as anything other than the small child they brought into the world. I pass as male pretty much all the time, have never had trouble in the men's restroom, and have even spent several weeks living in situations where nobody knew I was anything but a guy, but my parents still insist that I look like a girl. They literally don't believe me when I tell them that most other people perceive me as male. That will change in time, and it's already changing a little. And I think the same will hold true for you. Eventually they will get to a point where they can see you as a guy, but it's hard for them, and it may take some time.

As far as the bathrooms and locker rooms go, they probably just worry about you. Because they're having such a difficult time seeing you as a guy, they can't understand how anyone else would either. So if they think people will read you as female, they think you'll be safer in the women's bathroom. Now obviously that's not true, at least from what you're saying. I know it wasn't/isn't true for me. But it's probably what they're thinking.

The thing that is helping my parents the most in that regard is actually observing that other people see me as a guy. When the waiter in a restaurant calls me "he" or when all my friends use the correct name, it makes them see that most people don't read me as female. It's hard for them, but it's reality and it's what they need to hear. I don't know your situation, but if you could try to get people to use the right name and pronouns in front of your parents, whether that be asking your friends or simply doing your best to pass as male in public, it might help.

[Guest Neuro]

She replied to me.

I still thinks you is too pretty to beez a boy ; )

Maybe you just get a rush from doing something taboo? Don't worry about it though, so much goes into all of this but remember feelings are tricksey things and can be confused.

We do want you to be happy...especially in the long run.

The last part is nice.

But the first part is disheartening. If I wanted a rush, I'd do drugs or become a pedophile or go snowboarding. I can't help this, I wish I was born a cute happy girl if it was going to make me so miserable. But I don't want to be a girl, I want to be a guy. I am not confused, I'm just... ticked off and wish I was dead.

Boys are allowed to be pretty.

Huhhhhh sorry if I am such a downer lately, I should be helping out on the forums more. But I am lousy so far. I know that parents do not matter a lot, but if THEY can't see me as a guy, or even acknowledge there is a tiny possibility this kind of disorder exists; does it really exist? Am I just crazy, or stupid or confused or starved for attention? I am stupid, but I hate attention... I'm worried I might BE crazy, because they say "It's the crazy ones who say 'they are not crazy.'" I don't think I'm crazy, I think I'm a guy. But to most people, that sounds crazy.

Everyone In Real Life, not on here; is treating me like a confused sick little child who likes to play pretend; and I'm getting sick of it. How do I be normal...

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Don't overreact. If you smile a lot and just take it in, then she will feel you two are a team. As a team you can then discuss more how you feel. She is concerned about your safety and doesn't want you to get beat up in a men's room, which while a remote possibility, does happen.

I would ease her into the idea of wearing male type clothing. Just kinda go low key, pants, shirt and shoes, and much of that is almost gender neautal already. When she sees you don't look like a girl in drag (you certainly are not!) then she will feel easier.

So use 'little bites.' She can be a great ally when she figures out how much happier you are as yourself.

Just some ideas - don't be too confrontational at first. You both are learning about each other - its all new...

Lizzy

[Guest Evan_J]

My mother sent me an e-mail this morning because we are discussing therapists. She doesn't want me to go to one who discusses past lives or Eastern medicine or anything 'weird' like that, which I guess I understand from their point of view... I do not think my possible "past Lives" have anything to do with who I should live as today.

She said I could go to the session wearing men's clothes if I had any by then, but also told me this:

"You mean dressing a a man? Depends on clothing you have for the first visits;but part of what you'll deal with is that question. As far as the world and Papa and I,are concerned you are a woman. Bathrooms, changing rooms etc. Don't worry too much about that.

I still have to get the psychiatrist who might have people in mind too."

I don't understand what that means. I am physically female, but she seems to be saying that to the world and to THEM that I am 100% a woman?? That all of the work I put into passing in restrooms and trying to introduce myself as a man is a waste, because I'm a woman and nothing can change that?????

I asked her what she meant, she has not replied yet. I told her that YES, using the RIGHT restroom and such makes me feel good and it only seems right because in my heart I am not a woman.

How can I 'not worry too much about that?' I don't think anyone seems to really understand (aside from on here) ...Maybe in their eyes transsexualism is still an evil mental disease.

I don't know. I am wondering if she will try to control me from starting to transition... Or if I'm reading too much into this.

See ya.

--Michael

She may very well try to control you from starting to transition. But whether or not you allow it will be up to you. I don't know how much dependence you still have on your folks as far as finances and residency and such (I really ought to check your profile for an age ) but whatever that situation is at some point you will be independent and what they think really will be "irrelevant".

And for some people "out of another time" (cuz really thats what some parents are) they never will be able to understand it and yes, for them, people are nothing but their genitals. Just write em up as "less than knowledgable" and forget em; relegate em to the same place as the people still sitting on top of a trailer waiting for "y2k" to strike.

For those who stand a chance? When they see the transition it will at least shake the foundation of what they believe.

[Guest Neuro]

Thank you, I will try to keep positive.

--Michael

[Guest bronx]

I have fund that it takes mothers especially to truelly except their child, they have a special bond with us that can never be broken. She is worried about others and questioning some things in the past as well. Give her some time. Once she sees you become the man you are physically trust all that will change, Just know that you have a parent that has your back and is willing to go thriugh the transition with you.

[Guest CharlieRose]

It sounds like she doesn't understand.. But, my parents were like that, too, and guess what? It totally got better over time. Didn't you go through a process of coping and understanding your gender before you realized you were a guy? I certainly did. I tried to prove to myself that I was a woman. I tried to make myself understand that I could never truly become a man. I tried to pass my feelings off as something else. But eventually I realized who I was and accepted it. Then when I came out to my parents they went through pretty much the exact denial process I did, I just didn't recognize what it was at first. (I just stewed in impatience instead) Your parents are processing it now, I think, but, hey, it took me two years to realize that I was a guy from when the feelings first started popping up. Give them a bit, and I think they'll understand in time.

It does suck, though.

[EVAN_DESU]

My mother sent me an e-mail this morning because we are discussing therapists. She doesn't want me to go to one who discusses past lives or Eastern medicine or anything 'weird' like that, which I guess I understand from their point of view... I do not think my possible "past Lives" have anything to do with who I should live as today.

She said I could go to the session wearing men's clothes if I had any by then, but also told me this:

"You mean dressing a a man? Depends on clothing you have for the first visits;but part of what you'll deal with is that question. As far as the world and Papa and I,are concerned you are a woman. Bathrooms, changing rooms etc. Don't worry too much about that.

I still have to get the psychiatrist who might have people in mind too."

I don't understand what that means. I am physically female, but she seems to be saying that to the world and to THEM that I am 100% a woman?? That all of the work I put into passing in restrooms and trying to introduce myself as a man is a waste, because I'm a woman and nothing can change that?????

I asked her what she meant, she has not replied yet. I told her that YES, using the RIGHT restroom and such makes me feel good and it only seems right because in my heart I am not a woman.

How can I 'not worry too much about that?' I don't think anyone seems to really understand (aside from on here) ...Maybe in their eyes transsexualism is still an evil mental disease.

I don't know. I am wondering if she will try to control me from starting to transition... Or if I'm reading too much into this.

See ya.

--Michael

Ah like my parents.

My mother always says

"Sorry, I can never call you Evan because you're not a boy, I mean...You don't look like one. Until you have all the procedures done, I won't call you "he" or "him" or "Evan"".

Then she really annoys me when she says stuff like

"Oh...She...He...Or whatever you want to be!"

But, it's hard for her, I know. >.>

[Guest Leigh]

If I wanted a rush, I'd do drugs or become a pedophile or go snowboarding.

?????

not quite comparable...

oh, mike.....you do confuse me.

peace&love

leigh

[Guest _Michael]

You can't control what they do to you if you're still under their roof, but your mom seems to be getting things off on the right foot. It sounds like that particular comment was made without any sensitivity or any thought - your parents have known you longest, they've built up expectations on how you'll turn out, they've got all these images and imprints in their minds for who and what you are. Everyone you know currently does.

What few people who haven't delt with trans persons in the past don't realise is that the hormones do actually work. I had a similar problem with my friends saying they would never be able to see me in any other way, that they just couldn't wrap their minds around the concept of transitioning. They struggled, tried to accept it, but never really seemed to feel it. Then, miraculously, one of these friends ran into a guy she had graduated HS with - an FTM that the friend had only known as a female acquaintance back in the day, but was now a year on T and with top surgery. Needless to say, it finally hit her that the hormones worked - she was immediately more at ease with everything with myself and has not slipped on the names or the pronouns since.

Right now, society may see you differently than what you perceive yourself - that's one of the hallmarks of Gender Identity Disorder, and it's why there is hormone therapy and surgery. It was realizing this that made me come to the definitive conclusion that I wanted hormones. It will get better though. Going to therapy helped me to become more open with myself on what I wanted, helped me to express my gender identity as I felt to the rest of society. Do I still get she'd? Most days. Do people still have a hard time wrapping their heads around what I'm doing? Of course. But for now, focus on aligning your body with your own perception of yourself as much as humanly possible, and realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It might take some clawing to get there, but there will be a day when you get "sir"ed by every stranger, because who in the hell is gonna use "mam" when you're rockin a goatee?

[Guest Neuro]

?????

not quite comparable...

oh, mike.....you do confuse me.

peace&love

leigh

Sorry about that, It must sound insensetive. I confuse me too. I'm sorry to anyone I ever offend, I am stupid. I don't know how to talk.

Well, I will be seeing a new therapist today. I hope it goes well. Here's showing some love to everyone at Lauras </3

--Michael

[Guest Pól]

I'm sorry to anyone I ever offend, I am stupid. I don't know how to talk.

--Michael

Hey you! Enough of this "I am stupid" stuff...you're a smart, empathetic, articulate guy. That much is eminently clear from your posts. Stop being so down on yourself, please.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Sorry about that, It must sound insensetive. I confuse me too. I'm sorry to anyone I ever offend, I am stupid. I don't know how to talk.

Michael! For shame! I've caught you putting yourself down before. Give yourself some credit, bro. You are a right smart fella!

Pól already said something, but I feel compelled to second his sentiment.

[Guest Nikk]

Here's the lovely thing about parents: they are possessive about their children. They idealize their children and give them a path to follow and sanctions to obey. Parents have these mental pictures of such and such a kid when he/she was five, of when he/she was ten and then when they look at the teenager, the parents suddenly see someone new. So they regress to the five year old, or the ten year old without seeing the kid at his or her current stage.

Then when the kid announces something the parent cannot ignore, such as "Mom, I'm not a girl, I'm a guy," they regress even further. The parents cling to the idealized image of their child and don't let go without some major prompting. For parents, their kid is THEIRS. Like a doll that can walk and talk. I heard someone say how narcissistic having a kid was because all you were doing was putting a carbon copy of yourself on the world.

Basically, when something goes wrong with you, they think that they have done something wrong and they don't know how to fix it, so they regress.

That's what I think anyway.

AND MICHAELMICHAELMICHAEL be positive! You are an awesome dude, and stop selling yourself short.

[Guest Neuro]

The therapy session with new councilor went well. My mother has a habit of talking too much, and I not enough; so for the 1st half hour I just sat back and let her talk (confrontation fear, some man I am).

I spoke with new councilor, and she seems very VERY understanding, I hope I can see her again. She is smart and doesn't demean me or make me feel stupid like my old one did. >_> (I guess I'm not stupid, or something)

I was afraid she would try to feed me some sort of strange principal on what I was because she seemed old-fashioned, but is in fact smart and a little new-age-y. BUT, she, like I; believes in god and is Christian. And yet, is not trying to burn me at a stake! Our principals are actually very similar.

I hope things get better and better. I hope I hope I hope.

Yus.

--Michael

[Guest Eth]

Oniichan!! -glomps-

I know how you're feeling right now... my parentals have similar views. When I asked my parents to call me "she" instead of "he", they said quite simply "you're not a girl", and no matter what I say it's still what they insist. They can't seem to comprehend the fact that gender manifests mentally and no matter what my physical body is, I am still me and can be whoever I feel I am regardless of my anatomy. Having them tell us that we can't be ourselves because of our genitalia and "natural" hormones is like them telling us we can only go into certain careers because of our race. Who we are and what we do is not and should not be limited by what we are physically. We are unique individuals regardless of our physical characteristics.

You do not want to "be a man" and I do not want to "be a girl" because we already are male and female respectively. Our bodies may disagree with us, but we can change that (to as great an extent as is scientifically possible). What we cannot change is ourselves, our minds' perception of who we are as individuals. I do not think or believe that I am a girl- I know that I am. Gender roles may have been forced on me from day one, but yet here I am being myself regardless of that. If I were just playing make-believe or "pretending" then that simply wouldn't be. Nobody would put themselves through this kind of torture to simply play some messed up game. People need to recognize us for who we are instead of what we are born as. They don't have the right to tell us who we are or who we can be; only we have such a privilege. We deserve to live as we see fit and nobody can take that from us.

Don't worry too much about their lack of an ability to perceive you as you are, but also don't expect it to ever go away. Unfortunately, the odds are not inm favor for either of us that we will ever have supportive parents who ever truly understand. There are few people out there who know us now who will ever see us for who we really are. We just have to hold our heads up and keep moving forwards, and remember that we can always make new friends and family. Like you and me!! Big brother and little sister. We get it, and we'll be ourselves regardless of what they think. We'll make new friends too who know us as the real Michael and Eth, and they won't think twice about who we are- even if we tell them we're trans*. I know many people who I never really talked to until ater they knew I was all girly-girl, and they treat me as I should be treated. It just takes the right people and the right circumstances. We're not crazy (at least not for that!!), and I have proof that I'm not. Just ask anyone who knows me (except maybe my best friend- don't ask him. He lies).

ja mata-ne, oniichan!

愛 Eth

[Guest Eth]

Here's the lovely thing about parents: they are possessive about their children. They idealize their children and give them a path to follow and sanctions to obey. Parents have these mental pictures of such and such a kid when he/she was five, of when he/she was ten and then when they look at the teenager, the parents suddenly see someone new. So they regress to the five year old, or the ten year old without seeing the kid at his or her current stage.

Then when the kid announces something the parent cannot ignore, such as "Mom, I'm not a girl, I'm a guy," they regress even further. The parents cling to the idealized image of their child and don't let go without some major prompting. For parents, their kid is THEIRS. Like a doll that can walk and talk. I heard someone say how narcissistic having a kid was because all you were doing was putting a carbon copy of yourself on the world.

Basically, when something goes wrong with you, they think that they have done something wrong and they don't know how to fix it, so they regress.

That's what I think anyway.

AND MICHAELMICHAELMICHAEL be positive! You are an awesome dude, and stop selling yourself short.

Nikk has that down pat. That's all very true, as sad as it is. All the people I know who are obsessed with having kids want them for selfish reasons. Parents really do see us as possessions...

And yet we're the ones who're "sick"? XD ....

.............

Yeah.

[Guest Evan_J]

I heard someone say how narcissistic having a kid was because all you were doing was putting a carbon copy of yourself on the world.

That is exactly true in my opinion. It is why I have a problem with the reason and how some people approach having children (that includes my own mother). The problem with this tendancy is that a child is NOT a carbon copy. Not in any way close. They are constructed to be and are inherently unique to what either parent was. But the parents are blind to this. What they see and lust for is a monument (basically) to themselves. And really, that is disgusting in terms of an attempt at self servience.

[Guest Leigh]

The therapy session with new councilor went well. My mother has a habit of talking too much, and I not enough; so for the 1st half hour I just sat back and let her talk (confrontation fear, some man I am).

I spoke with new councilor, and she seems very VERY understanding, I hope I can see her again. She is smart and doesn't demean me or make me feel stupid like my old one did. >_> (I guess I'm not stupid, or something)

I was afraid she would try to feed me some sort of strange principal on what I was because she seemed old-fashioned, but is in fact smart and a little new-age-y. BUT, she, like I; believes in god and is Christian. And yet, is not trying to burn me at a stake! Our principals are actually very similar.

I hope things get better and better. I hope I hope I hope.

Yus.

--Michael

wait...you're mom goes with you???

is this just for interviewing..? still..man, you need to get a therapist that YOU like. not one that your mom likes..

make sure to let your mom know that this is for YOU.

(and, duh, you aren't stupid...i've told you...and if i say it, it's true.)

peace&love

leigh