Is it always this difficult?

[Stefi]

While driving back from Endo Doctor, after he told me there is nothing physical causing me to have female tendencies. My wife was sure that I had a Hormone imbalance. She was hoping that after I came out to her last Oct. Now Doctor has cleared physical condition she says that I am not transgender just all in my head. I have been hoping for her to have a open mind, but she refuses to. I am suppose to just stop being MTF. It is hard to not be depressed when someone you love is denying your gender.

 

 

Stefi

[Jackie C.]

No, but there are often growing pains. There's no understood physical cause (there are theories, but no real consensus). It's like asking, "Why is that man straight?" You just are.

 

In the meantime, we're here to answer questions and give you support. We all need a bit of a hand up sometimes.

 

Hugs!

[Stefi]

Thanks Jackie C.  I just want to be me and not hide.

 

Hugs! back

Stefi

[Jackie C.]

That's really all any of us want. As a side benefit, living our lives as our authentic selves is WAY less stressful than skittering around and hiding.

 

Hugs!

[rainflower]

Before I came out to anyone, I wrote down everything that made me who I was and why I felt being a man wasn't working for me and how it was hurting me. I wrote about what being a woman meant to me and why it was so important. When I came out to others, I then had this material to call on from memory if they had questions or if I felt it was hard for them. 

You might need to do something like that with your wife. Prepare something, and just lay it all out there, and be firm with her that this is not just "in your head". Then see how she deals with it. Because I think if you just stew under it and don't take any action, the depression will linger. In a way she is trying to control you, telling you who you are because she doesn't want to deal with it. Don't let her.

[Stefi]

Good advice

 

Thanks

 

Stefi

[Stefi]

Tried to talk with my wife this morning. Did not go well. I told her again that I am a woman inside. She refuses to believe this, and said that I need to sort it out in my head. I told her that all that is in my head is that I am a woman. I asked her to please open her mind to the fact that I am female. I asked that she let me dress female at home for a while to see if she gets used to it as a first step. She refused and ended the conversation before I start to cry. I will try again at a different time. I am quite depressed but al hanging on.

 

Stefi

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Stefi said:

I will try again at a different time. I am quite depressed but al hanging on.

I know this is hard

[Carolyn Marie]

On 3/16/2021 at 12:43 PM, Stefi said:

 she says that I am not transgender just all in my head.

 

 

Stefi, the fact is, she is correct.  While biological sex is a physical and biological issue, being transgender is "in your head," as gender is a mental construct.  There is a lot of great documentation about this, but she needs to be willing to read it.  If she won't make the effort, and thinks you're just making it up as you go, then its going to be really difficult for her to accept it.

 

Are you seeing a gender therapist?  If so, perhaps you can get her to go with you to a joint session.  If she hears it from an experienced professional, she might come around.  But there is always the possibility that she will dismiss it, like she's dismissed your stated feelings, and chalk it up to the G.T. "filling your head with ideas."  But its worth that risk.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Stefi]

Thanks Carolyn Marie. I am seeing a therapist and she suggested that a joint session could be helpful. We might need the joint session sooner than later.

 

HUGS

 

Stefi

[rainflower]

Sorry to hear she is so strongly against the idea. Hopefully she goes with to the therapist.

[Heather Shay]

@Stefi I can understand where you are Stefi. I told my wife and things happened gone well but I also learned to take it slow - you have had a lot of time to know your condition and she hasn't. Maybe just take it a step at a time. I told my wife I would dress fem in front of her but as the HRT starts showing more changes I have added a little more conservative fem clothing little by litte - I wear full lady under things and shave my legs and am undergoing electrolysis and I pierced my ears and wear earrings. I went for ladies jeans (andogenous) then added ladies T-shirts with flannel shirts over the last 8 months so I'm easing her into it. And I would be happy if she is staying with you as you see therapist and my therapist said anytime she wants my wife is welcome. Dr. Z Phd (gender specialist psycholoist) has her own YouTube channel and puts out a 10-15 minute video every week that deals with different LGBTQ issues including family and spouses. I'd recommend checking her out. She has a lot of sound advice. 

In the meantime - hang in there - I know when you want to make the change - you want it now but I'm finding if it's important to keep your spouse and family - you have to allow them space to growth and to grieve at their own rate.

HUGS,

Shay

[LusciousTheLock]

Its hard for our spouses to accept this. Mine saw it as the loss of her husband and went into a period of mourning. When I initially told her, I knew she wanted to hit me... But she was tied to a chair... Erm, Safety first and all that  . All she said was "That explains a lot". I was accused of having affairs, being gay, all sorts. kinda think it would have been easier to be anything other than trans. Even now when I'm trying my hardest to pass, I get accused of dressing for men. But she is coming round.

 

However, whilst one of my daughter's thought it was the coolest thing in the world. The other, even four years later claims I'm not Trans, just "Mental". Take it slow, giver her time. Help her research. Don't rush or force it or throw it in her face, however, do let her know that you are doing this. It is real.

[Stefi]

Thanks for the encouragement...You all are AWSOME

 

Stefi

[Elizabeth Star]

Sounds a lot like what I've been through. At first my wife tried saying my therapist was putting ideas in my head which obviously wasn't true. They just let me be and think for myself. What has worked for me so far has been to take on more of the stereo typical house wife role and show her how I am becoming a better person.  We still struggle at times but things have gotten a lot better. 

[KayC]

Hi @Stefi
I know this is very difficult and I face a similar situation at home.  It is sometimes more difficult for a spouse to accept our condition than even our own self-acceptance.
@Carolyn Marieis correct, it IS in your head, and that's the problem.  Your body does not produce the hormones to match how your brain was/is wired prior to birth.  Somebody shared this article when I first came to this Forum and it was extremely helpful in understanding myself first .. and the Group Three (G3) MTF description was incredibly like seeing myself in a mirror

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

 

I agree with your therapists suggestion for a joint session.  My wife finally went with me recently and while I don't think it moved her "acceptance meter" much she definitely came out of that session with greater understanding that this condition is REAL and it affects our well being (as well as the well being of our partners). 

 

This is a long and bumpy road, but if you both truly love each other I believe its possible to find a way .. time and communication are the keys.  Wishing the best for both of your Happiness (hopefully together) ❤️

[Ivy]

"Group Three (G3) is composed of natal males who identify as female but who act and appear normally male. We can hypothesize that prenatal androgenization was sufficient to allow these individuals to appear and act normally as males but insufficient to establish a firm male gender identity. For these female-identified males, the result is a more complicated and insidious sex/gender discontinuity. Typically, from earliest childhood these individuals suffer increasingly painful and chronic gender dysphoria. They tend to live secretive lives, often making increasingly stronger attempts to convince themselves and others that they are male."

 

I think there are a lot of us who would fit into this group.

I know I spent a lot of my life trying to hide my fem tendencies and project that macho male mode.

[Jackie C.]

It's an interesting article, but my personal experience is somewhere between group 1 and group 2. Then again, that might be socialization. I heard a LOT of "don't do that, only girls do that" while growing up along with the occasional smack or slap to get me to stop.

 

Hugs!

[Davie]

This strikes me as another attempt to place people in boxes. These boxes cannot fit each person perfectly. Me? I prefer to build my own box and sail away into a purple sunset!

 

cheers,

Davie

[Elizabeth Star]

It's an interesting read. I don't fit 100% into any of the groups but I can see it's value for trying to explain trans to a cis-person.

[Ivy]

13 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

It's an interesting read. I don't fit 100% into any of the groups but I can see it's value for trying to explain trans to a cis-person.

True.  

I think we need to look at things like this as broad generalizations rather than some kind of definitive statement about all trans people.  Individuals are more complicated, there is no "one size fits all."

[Elizabeth Star]

Yes. As we know there are so many differences between us. It’s all part of our individual journeys. But, a lot of the people on the outside don’t understand what it is to be trans. I think most are looking for a cut-and-dried scientific explanation that doesn’t exist. I know I don’t fit in any one box but if makes it easier for a non-trans person to be more understanding and accepting I’ll happily minimize how I explain myself to avoid confusion, for now. 

[Ivy]

Back before covid, I used to hang out at a local deli/craft beer place.  I would talk about it to anyone who was actually interested.  It will be interesting to see how things are when I can get out again - it's been like a year at least..  I should have my 2nd shot tomorrow, if all goes well.

[Ivy]

Come to think of it, I may go over for trans visibility day. 

[Stefi]

I was a wreck yesterday. Spent most of the afternoon in bed (totally depressed). Luckily it was Therapist day today. Really weird as I kept referring to my wife as my Ex. I looked up to my therapist and asked if she noticed (she did). It is time to seriously address  the 600 lb. Gorilla in the room (my wife's refusal to acknowledge that I am transgender.

 

My wife and I had a long talk. She agreed that we need to work this out, to try to save our marriage. Neither of us will be totally happy in the end, but at least we are talking. She agreed that just living together as friends is on the table. This is a huge step towards acceptance. I know that this will be a long road, but am happy to start down that road.

 

 

HUGS!

 

Stefi