I Think I'm Breaking Down

[Guest Paula :)]

I'm so sorry for venting here ... I haven't been a member for long and I feel like I'm being a burden ...

I'm just not coping at the moment. At all. I've spent the whole morning crying me eyes out and I just don't know what to do.

I know I'm hormonal, but things are just adding up and so so hard right now. My partner Kim has changed these past few days. We went to some local markets on Sunday and she was having a hard time coping with being seen with me. After a little while of her keeping her distance from me, she said she wasn't feeling very strong, and I said that was OK, I do understand, let's just go home. She said she wanted to keep walking round, and this made sense to me because we'd driven an hour and a bit to get there.

She kept her distance, and it was just so obvious. I felt like an ugly, disgusting thing that should be avoided at all costs. Eventually, she said she wanted to go. I didn't want to burst into tears in the middle of all those people, so I marched out of there as quickly as I could. I guess I didn't look very girly doing so, and people made comments behind me. Kim was walking behind me, and the first thing she said when we got back to the car was 'wow, you hear what everybody's saying about you when you walk behind you, like that's a dude, Sweetie, etc.' and she looked at me like I was filth.

The car trip back was silent.

I lay on the bed when we got home and went to sleep, trying to avoid feeling like nothing, the worthless oxygen thief that people must think I am.

We had gone to the markets to look for a few belts for me, because my boy ones are way too big for me now, so I figured I'd go to the local shopping centre and pick some up. I got down there, and I was just too scared to get out of the car. I drove around a few times, lectured myself, cried, and finally plucked up the courage to go into the local pharmacy. The woman there is lovely, and she told me I looked absolutely beautiful today. I said, honey, I wish I could believe you.

I got home and lost it completely. I felt ugly. I said to Kim 'who am I kidding', I can't pass as a boy and I can't pass as a girl either.

The next day, yesterday, she treated me so differently. All week she's been telling me how much better I look, how beautiful I am, how pretty I am, and that all stopped. I see it in her eyes, she agrees with what the people were saying at the markets now.

To top all this off, we dropped her son home last night and called in to the KFC drive-through on the way home. I'm having trouble with my voice, it's a real giveaway some times, and this just wasn't an exception. I wasn't feeling confident at all, and Kim said the people working in the restaurant were looking and laughing. I said hey, maybe they're looking at our little pomeranian. She just looked at me as if to say, yeah, right.

I said to her in the car last night that I completely understand if this is all too hard for her. And I do. I feel like it's all too hard for me.

I can see she's looking for ways out. We got home, and she read a post that said a huge proportion of people going through transition change sexual orientation, which I absolutely KNOW I won't do, and have told her a thousand times, she read the post out to me aloud, I feel like she's looking for a way out.

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with her, at all, I understand that this situation isn't fair on her, and that I'm becoming someone she would never choose to be in a relationship with given the choice.

She did ask me for help last night, and I just don't know how to help her. How can I say anything to reassure her when she agrees with what people are saying behind my back? I know if anyone called her ugly or whatever in public I'd radically defend her ...

I said last night that she cares much more about what other people think than I do. I guess I've had 30 odd years of people not accepting who I am. I've spent so long trying to ignore the reactions I get from some random people ...

I was so happy last week. I'm finally being who I am SUPPOSED to be, I'm XXY and my female genes are so obviously so much more dominant internally than they are externally.

I'm so scared. I feel like I've ruined my life and feel like I'm just hurting everyone around me.

I am so, so very sorry for being a burden here after such a short time.

I'm just so down.

I'm ashamed of myself,

Paula.

[Guest bronx]

Paula-

Don't be ashamed of yourself, I'm a FTM and belive it or not my wife went through a lot of the same things, people talking behind my back and saying I was a girl and her having too stick up for me as I went through two heart surgeries while I was transitioning. It is hard on them. But She loves you, know that. Cause she is still there and has not walked away. Just give her some time, and make sure you are 1000% available when she is ready to talk about how she feels and what she is also going through. Remember we never transition by ourselves!

Angel

[Guest LightNebula]

Please don't think you're a burden, waste of oxygen, etc., because you aren't. You aren't hurting people around you; it's just that most people are stupid bigots. I don't know if you'd value my opinion, but I think what truly matters is if you're a good, decent person (inner beauty, I guess), and not how you look on the outside. If it would make you feel better, though, I think you should try to get a "makeover" or whatever they're called. After that, you'd hopefully feel more feminine and pleased with yourself. If you have any family or friends, they could also try to help adjust your appearance.

I wonder, though, are you happy being with Kim? I hope she isn't making things worse for you, because it doesn't seem like she's being a very supportive partner...

[Guest Paula :)]

Please don't think you're a burden, waste of oxygen, etc., because you aren't. You aren't hurting people around you; it's just that most people are stupid bigots. I don't know if you'd value my opinion, but I think what truly matters is if you're a good, decent person (inner beauty, I guess), and not how you look on the outside. If it would make you feel better, though, I think you should try to get a "makeover" or whatever they're called. After that, you'd hopefully feel more feminine and pleased with yourself. If you have any family or friends, they could also try to help adjust your appearance.

I wonder, though, are you happy being with Kim? I hope she isn't making things worse for you, because it doesn't seem like she's being a very supportive partner...

Please don't get me wrong. Kim has been really, really supportive to date but I think she has just hit a wall with it. And I'm really just making assumptions on how she feels too, given she hasn't talked about it yet. She has been so very supportive since she met Paula, and she did say last night that maybe what I had assumed wasn't the case. It's the way I feel ...

I think what really gave me away at KFC was my bank card. I had to give it to the operator, and it's still in Mr. Paul's name. I have about 10 weeks before my name and gender change comes through ...

[Guest Evan_J]

It sound like up till a week ago (even if there were "moments" ) she basically was "one way" and then 180'd. Any new people in her life? Friends? Reimmergence of an old friend? Even a new club; did she join one?

[Guest LightNebula]

Please don't get me wrong. Kim has been really, really supportive to date but I think she has just hit a wall with it. And I'm really just making assumptions on how she feels too, given she hasn't talked about it yet. She has been so very supportive since she met Paula, and she did say last night that maybe what I had assumed wasn't the case. It's the way I feel ...

I think what really gave me away at KFC was my bank card. I had to give it to the operator, and it's still in Mr. Paul's name. I have about 10 weeks before my name and gender change comes through ...

I hope things will be better for you in 10~ weeks then.

[Guest Jessica22450]

Paula the thing I learned how to do because i've had people about me and have gone through mental abuse. the one thing I learned to do is simply not to care, Because the only thing they want to do is say it to start a fight, To instegate something, To hurt you. If you can see what they're trying to do, Look at the subtitles between their taunts, You can take the flame out of their words. I can't say i've cross-dressed at all but this principal can be applied to any insult no matter what it's about.

[Sally]

Paula,

I am so sorry that you are having this problem, it is not something that anyone should ever have to deal with.

Give Kim a chance and be as kind and loving with her as you can be, she needs your support now as much as you need hers, maybe more - you have the huge plus of becoming your true self she only has the transition to see, she is not aware of how impowering the transition will be for you and how much more in touch with your feelings you will become and that will be so good for her too.

She doesn't see you that way, but now she has heard all of the hatefull things that all of the bigots, idiots and totally unfeeling people in this world have to say and she is worried about you, your future and how it will effect her - add in that article about sexual orientation and she is very worried.

As much as you mould just like to lean your head on her shoulder and just cry - you need to supply that shoulder for her right now.

Try to be strong for her and try to talk about her concerns.

Let her know how much you love her.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Paula :)]

Thanks so much for replying honeys, I must say I was exceptionally hormonal this morning and feeling much better tonight. I met Kim's mother for the first time as me tonight and she was so, so lovely. Kim and I had a long talk this afternoon and she has been so wonderfully supportive again. She was so incredibly angry at people saying things about me and was just a bit quiet because she didn't want to upset me. She's really my rock <3.

Thanks again for all the lovely support,

Paula x

[Sally]

Yeah!

I just knew that she was still there for you - just mad at the idiots!

I am so glad that you are both feeling better and Kim's mother - what a wonderful bonus, her support will be so good for Kim.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Eth]

I am glad that things are going well for you again. ^^