Wandering Gender Identity?

[Drayse]

As I've mentioned in a previous post, I'm primarily trans binary but I seem to have some non binary characteristics to me, making me suspect that I have some gender fluidity and hence I use the she/them pronouns. Yesterday morning, for example, I noticed that my gender identity wandered off sometime overnight and I was left feeling genderless. But by late afternoon today I was feeling quite femme again.

 

I've always seemed to have been this way. I'd often have periods where I just didn't identify as any gender, but I assumed that everyone probably experiences this and probably when they're busy and distracted. However, are you distracted when you're just sitting there and you don't feel like a boy or girl? I can't get in other people's heads so I don't know. I do recall one of my kids suggested last year sometime that I might be gender fluid. Maybe, I don't know. I'd hate to demean the experiences of others by taking an identity on a mere whim while still maintaining that I'm trans binary. At the same time, I don't want to close any doors this early in my transition.

 

This is not a complaint or a cry for help, but merely me sharing my experiences. Perhaps my sharing may help someone else going through something similar and may, in return, help me.

 

It also saves me from filling up my blog with meandering, stream of consciousness thoughts. ?

[KathyLauren]

I think that is totally normal, and does not necessarily indicate you are gender fluid.  It just means that you are not thinking about your gender at that moment.

 

Surprise!  That is how cisgender people live their entire lives: not thinking about their gender. 

 

All our pre-transition lives, we have lived with the burden of "I wish I was...".  It never goes away.  Once we start to transition, and even more once our transition nears completion, the wishing goes away.  Of course it does, because the wish is coming true.  No need to wish for a million bucks when the lotto guy is handing you the cheque.

 

It doesn't mean that you aren't transgender or that you aren't binary (although you might be).  It just means that you have experienced a moment free of both gender dysphoria and gender euphoria.

 

Congratulations!  You are normal.

[Drayse]

1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

Surprise!  That is how cisgender people live their entire lives: not thinking about their gender. 

 

All our pre-transition lives, we have lived with the burden of "I wish I was...".  It never goes away.  Once we start to transition, and even more once our transition nears completion, the wishing goes away.  Of course it does, because the wish is coming true.  No need to wish for a million bucks when the lotto guy is handing you the cheque.

Perhaps I should have been more clear. ?

 

When I sit alone with my thoughts and I reach out to test my gender I either feel misaligned, aligned or occasionally not there. This has been the case pre-transition and during transition. I'm not being distracted or just not thinking about my gender; I'm actively thinking about my gender.

 

I grant that this doesn't necessarily mean I'm gender fluid but it might indicate I'm not as binary as I assume? I appreciate your input. It at least gave me an opportunity to clarify my position and I hope I've done so. ❤️

[rainflower]

Maybe it isn't about what you feel in the moment, but rather what you want deep down inside and what seems right. There are times where I don't feel very feminine at all (and not really masculine, either), but I know at my core it feels right to be a woman. These thoughts and feelings will come and go, but my core self is female. Early in my transition I spent time writing about what makes me female and why I identify with that, it has helped provide stability. I have also used the Trevor chat line when I was having really bad episodes of dysphoria (which thankfully has not happened in a while), so that also helped with identifying the stable sense of self/gender. 

[KathyLauren]

2 hours ago, Drayse said:

Perhaps I should have been more clear. ?

 

When I sit alone with my thoughts and I reach out to test my gender I either feel misaligned, aligned or occasionally not there. This has been the case pre-transition and during transition. I'm not being distracted or just not thinking about my gender; I'm actively thinking about my gender.

 

I grant that this doesn't necessarily mean I'm gender fluid but it might indicate I'm not as binary as I assume? I appreciate your input. It at least gave me an opportunity to clarify my position and I hope I've done so. ❤️

 

Ah.  That does clarify things.

 

I doubt that anyone is as binary as they assume.  I know I am not, and I consider myself quite binary.  I am probably 90% female and 10% male.  Most of the time, I don't feel either one, because they aren't feelings at all.

 

I know I got dysphoria when I had to present as male, and I often (not always) feel euphoria when I am seen as female.  But these days, being on covid quarantine right now, I present as frumpy, and no one sees me as anything.  It doesn't mean anything.  It just means that I get most of my validation from social interaction, which is minimal right now.

[Astrid]

4 hours ago, Drayse said:

When I sit alone with my thoughts and I reach out to test my gender

 Hi, Drayse!  If possible, could you describe a bit more about reaching out to test your gender?  I wasn't quite sure when I read that what that might entail for you.  For me, going into and during gender therapy, I certainly did exercises to "test out" which identities fit me best. But since, I've been content to simply think of myself as non-binary and realize that my comfort levels can and do change over time with my journey (especially with respect to estrogen and its effects), but I've not revisited the idea of testing my gender.  In a sense, being the unique non-binary "me" that I am is enough.

 

It could well be that things are a bit different for you, who identifies as transfeminine.

 

Best wishes,

 

Astrid

 

[Confused1]

This confused me for awhile too. I identify as non binary because of it. I just figured I am gender fluid.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Drayse]

2 hours ago, Astrid said:

If possible, could you describe a bit more about reaching out to test your gender?

There's not much to tell. When it's quiet I normally just feel aligned with femininity. I may or may not feel dysphoria or euphoria, but I don't feel at odds with my body. It's just a sense that everything is right. My gender therapist has taken me through much questioning so I know I'm a woman. But once in a while I feel neither aligned nor misaligned, just absent and I'm conscious of the absence. Neither male, nor female. At that moment I feel a bit confused and desire a more neutral presentation. Something androgynous, but a bit more femme than masc.

 

2 hours ago, Astrid said:

It could well be that things are a bit different for you, who identifies as transfeminine.

It could be. I may require constant assurance that I'm a woman. I find don't want to be trapped in society's standards of femininity. Yet I still desire to fit in with cis women as much as reasonably possible. Perhaps this causes a contradiction, or maybe the contradiction pre exists and causes the conflict. Maybe it's something innate and has nothing to do with the above, it just is.

 

As I said, I'm still early in my transition. The changes I've experienced bring me euphoria, and I'm willing to enjoy this ride wherever it might take me. ?

[Drayse]

4 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

I doubt that anyone is as binary as they assume.

I think this is a more profound statement then you might realize. ?

[Drayse]

1 hour ago, Confused1 said:

This confused me for awhile too. I identify as non binary because of it. I just figured I am gender fluid.

 

Hugs,

Mike

I'm not too worried what I might ultimately end up being. I'm sure the hormones may be playing a significant role changing my very concept of my gender identity as I move towards what I assumed was my actual identity. Or, at the very least, revealing what my actual identity is. Which might be a trans binary woman after all.

[Drayse]

4 hours ago, AwesomeClaire said:

Maybe it isn't about what you feel in the moment, but rather what you want deep down inside and what seems right.

That's an interesting point. It's also why my gender pronouns order preference lists "she/her/hers" first. My core sense of self is as a woman. But I've been finding that my sense of gender dissolves, while my sense of self remains, and it feels right to present androgynously and match what I'm feeling. If it's something the hormones are doing or it's something else going on, I can't say. I just need to explore it.

 

4 hours ago, AwesomeClaire said:

Early in my transition I spent time writing about what makes me female and why I identify with that, it has helped provide stability.

I've done this exercise and I refer to those notes occasionally. Particularly when I have doubts that I am the woman I know myself to be. It's just that sometimes that woman presents a bit more androgynous than at other times.

 

It's hard to know if this is making any sense.

[rainflower]

It does, it just sounds like something that will come with time and experience.

[Ivy]

18 hours ago, Drayse said:

 

21 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

I doubt that anyone is as binary as they assume.

I think this is a more profound statement then you might realize. ?

 

I think this applies to most "cis" people too.

[Confused1]

On 3/22/2021 at 9:44 PM, Drayse said:

That's an interesting point. It's also why my gender pronouns order preference lists "she/her/hers" first. My core sense of self is as a woman. But I've been finding that my sense of gender dissolves, while my sense of self remains, and it feels right to present androgynously and match what I'm feeling. If it's something the hormones are doing or it's something else going on, I can't say. I just need to explore it.

 

I've done this exercise and I refer to those notes occasionally. Particularly when I have doubts that I am the woman I know myself to be. It's just that sometimes that woman presents a bit more androgynous than at other times.

 

It's hard to know if this is making any sense.

 

It makes perfect sense to me.

 

Hugs,

Mike