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Hi, I'm Joley greetings from Italy

Joley

By Joley,
in Introductions Forum

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Joley New Member

Joley

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Posted

Hi, I'm Joley (Jolanda) and live in Italy but come from ecuador and I'm 20 years old. I realised I wanted to be a girl at 13 when i started crossdressing just for a bet but then in that dress i felt free, joyfull, honestly i loved myself for the first time but my parents were so relogious that anything barely strange to them was satanic: they even throw away my lovecraft collection just because it had a black cover on it and so it was bad.

bearing it wasn't a problem until my bear started growing: I've never hated a part of my body so much and many times i harmed myself scratching it. the worst part was that my cousin came to live with us and so i had no ways to deal with dysphoria, i hadn't even a safe place to cry so i just tried to keep everything in my head, I didn't liked it, not one bit.

Not even school helped me: many were discriminated and beaten and I wasn't an exeption. I just started drinking at a very young age and started using drugs at the same time, i felt like this was the way "If I have no safe place on earth i have to find some in my head" I said. I was irresponsible and hopeless and never thought it could go worse, but i was wrong. One day i drinked too much, way too much and by mistake i came out to my cousin: he said it was ok, but it didn't. 

All my frienships just slipped away and felt so alone, and it was my fault, so i started self-harming and had suicidal thougths and once even aptempted it but didn't worked. so at last i became a zombie: i was just so high and drunk all the time i simply go ahead of inerthia, sometimes i even went to school drunk . I graduated by luck and finally i was free of that prison, but it wasn't safe for me not even there,with my family. I felt like i could bear it and just go ahead but then covid has come and joined the party.

I remeber when it all started here in Italy: it was just a virus, noone really cared, but then all the deaths, al the pain. Nearly everyone here have someone they loved who perished in this time. To me it was my grandmother: I couldn't go in her house more than once a year but she raised me till i was 10 and she was the only one who really cared of me and the only one that made me feel loved, but now she's gone and at last I'm alone again but this time I know: my grandmother at last said that she had no regrets, that she lived a life worthliving, a life she made for herself. She made me promise i didn' waste my life pretending to be who I'm not, she knew and that hit me hard, harder than anything: I'm not going to waste my life as I've done till now, I've promised that, and that's a promise i can't break

 

So I'm Joley and I'm proud to say that at last

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Petra Jane Palladium Member

Petra Jane

Posted
  • Root Admin
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Welcome Joley, I know you will find the support you need here.

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Rania Junior Member

Rania

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Joley said:

 

bearing it wasn't a problem until my bear started growing: I've never hated a part of my body so much and many times i harmed myself scratching it. the worst part was that my cousin came to live with us and so i had no ways to deal with dysphoria, i hadn't even a safe place to cry so i just tried to keep everything in my head, I didn't liked it, not one bit.

Not even school helped me: many were discriminated and beaten and I wasn't an exeption. I just started drinking at a very young age and started using drugs at the same time,

 

 

These are signs of depression Joley :( 

 

I wish you are feeling better now and welcome to the family 

 

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Jani Iridium Member

Jani

Posted
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Posted

Hello @Joley and welcome.  I am sorry to read that your grandmother has passed away.  Keep your promise to her and be yourself, don't waste time hiding and trying to please others.  Please yourself!  And try to stop the addictions.  They only cover the pain.  Confront it head on and you will be happy, with no need for drink or drug.  

 

Please join in, there are many here like you and I think you will enjoy this place.

 

Cheers, 
Jani

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Charlize Rhodium Member

Charlize

Posted
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Posted

Welcome dear and thanks for a lovely image of growth.  Drugs and alcohol played a part in my story as well.  Today i'm sober and living as myself.  The depression has been lifted and while i do get down sometimes i don't drop into the depths where i lived for years.  

Glad you've found us and joined in.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Delcina B Germanium Member

Delcina B

Posted
Posted

Welcome Jolie! You don't have to feel alone or unloved anymore! Here you will find people who love and support you, for you, just the way you are.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

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Timber Wolf Rhenium Member

Timber Wolf

Posted
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Posted

Hi Joley,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

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