Coming out at Work

[AmberM]

 

So, Friday I have a meeting setup with HR to discuss coming out at work and transitioning. I have a growing level of anticipation with it, as I see it in black and white, good or bad. I am trying to break this down to seeing the different shades between, which is kind of hard. What I am posting about more though is there any advice on how I should broach the topic? I was going to first start with questions like “What protections exist for the LGBTQ community at my job”. Then once I feel safe, I will have the coming out discussion and also express my interest in transitioning while at work.

 

Does anybody have thoughts or feedback on my plan, or if there are any tips or tricks about it that I should know?

 

[Heather Shay]

It sounds solid - is there going to be 1 or more than 1 HR person for the meeting? Do you have someone at work you work with that knows and is supportive? If so I'd invite them along for support. As far as presentation I guess I'd be straight forward and say you've struggled with this for a long time but in the last year and with guidance you are sure this is the right path forward for you. And then say you would like to know company policy - if there is one - regarding transition - I would also suggest sending @Cyndee and @Elizabeth Star personal message asking for their experiences being they did come out at work - and ask their experiences and advice. You might message @VickySGV as she seems to have an excellent information base on LGBTQ rights. Finally - you are a strong woman and you know what you need to do and anticipation and being anxious is totally normal. Good Luck and I know you will do well - and I will be thinking of you as I go for my 9 month HRT check-up (got my blood work back and the E and T numbers look very good to me).

[Elizabeth Star]

I’d be happy to help however I can. 

[LusciousTheLock]

How large is the workforce you work with?  I've struggled just to let people know. I assumed gossip would carry the message round, but it turned out most people were so shocked they kept quiet lol. I started by making circles. Told the managers, told the supervisors, told the technicians with the instruction to discuss and gossip as they see fit. We have around 200-300 employees across six depots, and I'm still bumping into shocked people meeting the new me for the first time.  As far as HR goes, I arranged a meeting, explained the situation and they were very supportive. They asked if I wanted them to spread the word. I said no, I wanted to do it. Sadly, my boss who is bit of a dinosaur, was contacted by one of our companies directors to see if he was okay with the situation? Yes, our HR spread the word behind my back, before I had chance to do it myself. As it happened, I had the dinosaur labelled wrong, and he is the one person in the office that hasn't once mis-gendered me or got may name wrong and is 100% onboard, despite an interrogation... "Are you sure about this?  I mean, really? Is this what you want?". As for the nice lady at HR. Well, I made her cry. I'm sure she will never make that mistake again.  

[AmberM]

@LusciousTheLock I work for a fairly large company, and even our departmental staff count is reasonably large to try to coordinate a discussion with. I am not in a management role, but I interface with lots of different people on lots of different teams. There is an element that also makes things more complicated, in that we have a parent company that is international, and I am part of a team that interfaces with them directly right now. So there is not only a local element, within my team, within my organization, but also some outside people which I don't know how that will effect the relationship with them.

 

This is where I am tempted in some ways to let the HR person take the lead, but involving me in the communication to my boss, then my team, and then my boss, HR, and I can come up with a decision on how to handle the rest of the business contacts that I have. I really want to get things figured out prior to this big, long project kick off that is supposed to start here in the next couple months.

[Carolyn Marie]

Amber, here are a couple of sites with good info to consider:

 

https://www.ohiobar.org/public-resources/commonly-asked-law-questions-results/civil-rights/lgbtq-rights-in-ohio-a-changing-landscape/

 

https://www.acluohio.org/trans/transgender-rights-the-law

 

The Bar Association info may be more up-to-date, but I'm not certain.  Filing a claim with the EEOC might be less effective than if Ohio had statewide protections.

 

On a more positive note, chances are your employer will want to be accommodating, especially if you are a valued employee.  I urge you to review any workplace manuals or rules beforehand so you go in well informed. 

 

Have some goals in mind:  how long would you like the transition planning process to take?  Do you want to wait until you have things in order legally, as in name change, etc?  If there is a planning committee formed, who do you want to participate from your end (allies)?  Will management allow training to be done beforehand, and by who?  When I transitioned we had an outside expert (a well trained trans woman) talk to the staff about state regulations and best practices.  What will the rules be for dress, restroom access, and adherence to company rules? 

 

I suggest strongly that, when an announcement is made, a senior manager or the "Big Boss" offer support for you.  That will make a big difference in how others, especially any that might be inclined to misbehave, adhere to the rules. Top down support is critical, IMO.

 

Please let me know how I can help, here or via PM.  I used to train on this stuff, and although a lot of it was based on California laws and regs, other things would apply to you.

 

Best of luck!

 

Carolyn Weiss

[VickySGV]

I believe that there is an LGBT Community Center there in Columbus Ohio who may be an excellent resource to help you in this.  If they have dealt with your employer before they will already know who and what you will need, if not, maybe they can call your employer and establish liaison for you, or can advise you what you need to present to get the employers best response.  If you are with a big nationwide employer, you might want to go to https://www.hrc.org/ and see how the Human Rights Campaign rates them as accepting, or not so accepting just to get a feel for what will happen.  Major corporations have found that out and happy Trans employees are some of their best workers.  Get a team behind you, it is there waiting, and that way you do not have to stumble through the process.  Although I did not transition on the job at my work (I was ready to retire at the time), my employer did have a good system in hand and all went smoothly.

[Cyndee]

I'll just mention, that @Carolyn Marie had some wonderful advice on how to approach transition that really helped me like 10 years ago at my job, and I am still working for the same large multi-national today. Transition at work was one of the best things I could have ever done for myself. Her advice is spot on above AmberM. Wishing you the best of luck at your place of work, you can do it !! I'll just add from my experiences that the sooner you can leave the old name behind in all the IT systems, the happier you'll be. It's been wonderful striking up new relationships in our business with folks that never knew me from before, they only know Cyndee ?

 

Hugs

 

C

[AmberM]

Thanks everybody for your feedback. I appreciate the support and knowing the experiences of others in transitioning at work. I agree Carolyn that I will most likely be fine, and I am confused by the contradictory information between the Ohio Bar Association and the ACLU Ohio page.

 

As pre-emptive steps, I actually already looked up the non-discrimination policy and it does mention gender identity. So I agree, I am probably safe there, but I am curious to know what the specifics or requirements are going to be to update my name in all the IT systems, get communications out to leaders and all that. I also think that it is a great idea to get a Senior Leader behind the transition as well, as it will show folks that it is supported by the company.

[AmberM]

Step 1 is complete, talk with my HR Department Rep for my department today. It went well, they are doing some investigation on policies and procedures in place currently. She is unsure of some of the more specific questions as she didn't want to guide me wrong, which I appreciate, but doesn't help the anxiety. She is unsure if we can add an alias to active directory or something like that so my email and all that can change, so that might control the speed in which I come out to others, as I will want to know that we can start using the right name more easily. I won't hear back until Wednesday, so hopefully good news.

[LusciousTheLock]

Email was the first thing HR tried to sort for me. But, my company email is still buggered from initial attempts in February. I was told that they would set up a dual mailbox or something. Essentially they could send to my old name or Tamsyn and they would get through. All replies would be from Tamsyn. Its not working though. They are looking into it, but I can only send and receive in my old name. My signature automatically updated, along with payroll, which confuses the hell out of people- email James but get replies from Tamsyn. It did aide my coming out to suppliers though. I'm being patient as we've got quite a complicated system. My new name does appear in the mailing list, I just cant do anything with it yet. I've had some militant types say I should complain and spit my dummy out and make a scene, but I'm being patient. I don't see too much benefit in rocking the boat just yet. 

 

Anyway, congratulations, that's a major hurdle

[Carolyn Marie]

3 hours ago, AmberM said:

Step 1 is complete, talk with my HR Department Rep for my department today. It went well, they are doing some investigation on policies and procedures in place currently.

 

Sounds like a great beginning, Amber.  I wish you continued good luck, support and a safe and happy road ahead.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Heather Shay]

@AmberM step 1 is always the hardest. It takes more to overcome inertia. Well done and good plan.

[JustKate]

It's tough for me to help as I attempted to go the HR route but was told that we don't have an HR department and my boss was super concerned if everything was okay. 

I flat out told him and it all went well.

 

But it's definitely worth looking into your rights at the company before you mention it.

 

HR aren't always your friend and have to take a by the book approach 

[AmberM]

So I have passed the hurdle of coming out to my boss. He was supportive and actually relieved that I wasn't resigning like he thought I was. Thursday is going to be a big day, because I am coming out to the VP of Engineering (my boss's boss) because we are using the idea someone suggested about having the top down acceptance being communicated, which should help with getting basic things like respect being communicated. Then after that, I come out to the team. Still really nervous there because I don't have a good bead on how they may react, but it is what it is. Then on Friday, my Active Directory entry and email will be changed over to Amber. I am really excited for that.

 

This week is going to be huge, and wanted to thank everybody for their support and ideas thus far. It has been great to hear from others to hear what worked, also what didn't work.

[JustKate]

Here's how things went for me.

70% of people don't know me well enough and don't care.

15% don't care that I'm trans at all and act no different.

10% are super supportive to the point it's annoying.

4.9% don't like it and have talked about me behind my back but are too scared to say anything because I (and others) will make a formal complaint and they would be sacked.

0.1% actively hate that I've done this and whilst they know they can't say anything directly, they have tried to lie and undermine me from the sidelines.

 

I can't guarantee the same percentage for you but I reckon most people will shrug and go 'okay' 

[AmberM]

Thanks for the reminder Kate. I think you are right about how majority of people don't matter, and then on top of that, majority of people will be not care. I know this week will be worth it in the end, just a matter of letting the time come.

[ValerieRun]

I had an interesting conversation with HR when I approached the subject of updating my gender information. They suggested I keep it unchanged just in case medical insurance decides to reject any requests because the are "not applicable to that gender".

Does anyone come across this issue? Or had to deal with similar circumstances?

I am yet to review the very fine print on the insurance policy to find out what the cover, but I am wondering if there is any merit to HR's suggestion.

[Susan R]

6 hours ago, JustKate said:

70% of people don't know me well enough and don't care.

15% don't care that I'm trans at all and act no different.

10% are super supportive to the point it's annoying.

4.9% don't like it and have talked about me behind my back but are too scared to say anything because I (and others) will make a formal complaint and they would be sacked.

0.1% actively hate that I've done this and whilst they know they can't say anything directly, they have tried to lie and undermine me from the sidelines.

@JustKate Those proportions are likely very close to the acceptance rates of the general public where I live. Like you mentioned, others will undoubtedly experience slightly different rates depending on local variables. There will always be a few haters out there but they are far a few between. It’s nice to read that you’re done with that somewhat difficult step at your work and can move forward.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[AmberM]

So I wanted to share an updated now that it is all done. It would appear that for the most part, I either got support or the don't care. It is still a little early as the information hasn't spun through the usual rumor/information pool at the office yet, but I am sure it is bound to happen. I think the reactions are going to be like you said @JustKate where a majority don't care, then I will have those who might be overly supportive.

[Heather Shay]

@AmberM Believe it or not - I can feel your relief. CONGRATULATIONS. Well done lady!!!!

[JustKate]

On 4/30/2021 at 7:23 PM, AmberM said:

So I wanted to share an updated now that it is all done. It would appear that for the most part, I either got support or the don't care. It is still a little early as the information hasn't spun through the usual rumor/information pool at the office yet, but I am sure it is bound to happen. I think the reactions are going to be like you said @JustKate where a majority don't care, then I will have those who might be overly supportive.

 

Yup absolutely. It's funny in a way because when I came out I wanted people to ask questions so I could kill any rumours but none came. That was annoying lol

[Elizabeth Star]

On 4/30/2021 at 1:23 PM, AmberM said:

So I wanted to share an updated now that it is all done. It would appear that for the most part, I either got support or the don't care. It is still a little early as the information hasn't spun through the usual rumor/information pool at the office yet, but I am sure it is bound to happen. I think the reactions are going to be like you said @JustKate where a majority don't care, then I will have those who might be overly supportive.

I waited for it happen. I thought for sure I would've been cornered by a few people with questions. Having someone come out as trans seems, by far, to be a juicer rumor than who's now sleeping together but it never happened. I'm sure my sexuality has been discussed behind my back. I have yet to hear anything about that either. I think that since things came down directly from HR there is a level of forced acceptance that goes with it. I have heard rumors that there are 2-3 people out of our 75 that have a problem with me, I only know of one for sure and he was told we are an all-inclusive work place and was free to go bag groceries somewhere if he couldn't work with me. So far no one has felt it's a big enough thing to quit over. So for the most-part no one really cares.