I don't feel like I've regressed but. (rambling)

[JustKate]

So, a year ago I went full time. I had been on HRT for a year at that point and I was still learning about makeup and clothing and hair (still am tbh but I was clueless then).

I remember how I almost always got gendered by people as female. I've looked back at old photos from then and I look bad. Like a guy with bad makeup on, yet was still gendered female.

 

Here I am a year later and I think I look okay. I've always been very critical of myself and my looks but when I make an effort even I see a woman in the mirror.

But the last few months have been so tough.

I'm stared at by everyone. People have said it might be because they think I'm cute, but by everyone I mean everyone. Old women, young children, men, women, everyone.

I've not been gendered anywhere in female terms (not male terms either TBF)

 

But I was told to shrug it off. I'm tall and that's why they are staring I'm told, and I came to accept that as mostly true.

 

The other day I had all the wind whipped out of my sails. 

The cashier at my local shop flat out asked me if I "have any advice for her questioning cousin".

No doubt in her mind that I'm transgender. 

 

Whilst I don't think she meant to be deliberately rude and was just thinking who could help her obviously depressed and struggling cousin, it still hurt me. 

It hurt me so deep I couldn't answer her. A part of me later wanted to go and give her my email address and ask her cousin to email me, but I couldn't face her again.

 

Now it's very possible that since I've been shopping there since I moved to my new place two years ago that she has seen my transition in person, it's just I felt that I wasn't passing at all and people genuinely were staring at me because I look like a guy.

 

It's such a difficult thing because I KNOW without a fact I pass better now. So I wonder why I attract more staring now than ever before, receive no female pronouns from anyone and have people actively talk about my transition.

 

Honestly this is just a ramble post, there's no real answers to this and it doesn't matter if there are anyway as I'm not going to stop my transition.

My entire goal of transition was to be able to blend it and be invisible and live a normal quiet life.

 

Ramble over lol sorry 

[rainflower]

First, you're not alone in this. Just the other day I had thoughts like "What am I doing? How am I even a real woman?" There's no way I would de-transition, but at the same time I feel like I made my life a lot harder. I feel like I traded some types of unhappiness for different types. It's hard being Claire, and sometimes it is rewarding and sometimes it isn't. So I'm like, why did I even do this? And then I think, I am just trying my best to express myself.

 

"My entire goal of transition was to be able to blend it and be invisible and live a normal quiet life."

 

You may just need an adjustment here. What I've seen is that a lot of trans women start their transition with the idea they will come out looking like one of the YouTube trans stars or their favorite model, or even just that they will pass. I've even seen some go to such lengths as they look clownish/ridiculous in their efforts to emulate a certain look, it is actually kind of sad. They are frustrated and upset with their results. I think passing, without surgery and lots of makeup (and let's be honest, faceapp and filter photos for many), is a pipe dream for most of us, especially those that started their transition later in life. I thought I might be able to pass in the beginning, but after almost a year and a half of HRT, I've accepted that this won't be the case for me. I won't be able to blend in. Lots of people in my town know that I am trans. That in itself doesn't bother me so much. I try to help others and want people to understand and be more accepting of trans people, so I put myself out there. 

Maybe you became more relaxed the further you got into it, and let some things slide? For example, I know sometimes in the beginning transwomen wear crazy amounts of makeup and other accessories, and cover themselves a lot, almost like a hyper-fem mode, overcompensating. And then as the transition goes on and HRT takes effect, those things are relied on less and less. Did that happen maybe?

Either way, I think that is just your life now. If you really have your heart set on passing there are other things you can try, but it will take a lot of work and money.

[Willow McKenzie]

Welcome to Transpulse Kate,

 

   I think you are doing just fine.   Hormones and your efforts have been doing their thing.   I would work on confidence.   Hold your head up high and be yourself.   If you are confident about yourself, others will be too.  

   I tend to dress gender-confused, female-ish.   I am more non-binary and I am 6' 1".   I smile and make eye contact with people.   I come off very confidant.   It isn't about if I can "pass" as short, pretty, AFAB,  it is about being comfortable in my own skin which makes others comfortable.   It is like playing poker.   I save my insecurities for discussions with my partner to help both of us understand and grow.

 

Good Luck,

---WILLOW---

[rainflower]

1 hour ago, Willow Farmer said:

Welcome to Transpulse Kate,

 

   I think you are doing just fine.   Hormones and your efforts have been doing their thing.   I would work on confidence.   Hold your head up high and be yourself.   If you are confident about yourself, others will be too.  

   I tend to dress gender-confused, female-ish.   I am more non-binary and I am 6' 1".   I smile and make eye contact with people.   I come off very confidant.   It isn't about if I can "pass" as short, pretty, AFAB,  it is about being comfortable in my own skin which makes others comfortable.   It is like playing poker.   I save my insecurities for discussions with my partner to help both of us understand and grow.

 

Good Luck,

---WILLOW---

That's the perfect attitude I think.

[Willow McKenzie]

1 hour ago, AwesomeClaire said:

Lots of people in my town know that I am trans

Claire,

  You touched on a major thing.   If you are transitioning in a small town, you really can't hide, so everyone has to transition with you.   The more pride and comfort you show, the sooner they will just move on and accept the change.  Hiding gives people the idea you are ashamed or doing something wrong.

   Kate may be in a location where she can just live on as female.   I feel that would be wonderful, like being born female to start with.  ----But---  In a weird way, I can happily live in a female-ish way and people already know so after a while know one pays much attention.   Now I can continue my live in peace and become a bit more female all the time and not be fighting that pass--fail threshold.  

   There is good, bad, and opportunity for happiness, in most poker hands trans people are handed.   I think most of us want the same thing in the end,  Love, peace, acceptance.

 

    Onward and Upward!

---WILLOW---

[Willow McKenzie]

1 hour ago, AwesomeClaire said:

That's the perfect attitude I think.

Thank you Claire,   I tend to come off a bit to strong at times, but I want it to be seen in a loving way.   I try to not embrace,SSDD.   Every day is a new chance to make things better.

[JustKate]

Honestly it's a bit bizarre. If I can figure out how to put photos up, I'll be happy to show the difference from a year ago to now. It's startling.

[Willow McKenzie]

1 hour ago, JustKate said:

Honestly it's a bit bizarre. If I can figure out how to put photos up, I'll be happy to show the difference from a year ago to now. It's startling.

Hi Kate,

  My window I am typing in right now has attach files controls bottom left.     I know your member privileges  are a bit limited until you post a bit, but as I remember, I posted pictures on my first post.

[JustKate]

3 hours ago, Willow Farmer said:

Hi Kate,

  My window I am typing in right now has attach files controls bottom left.     I know your member privileges  are a bit limited until you post a bit, but as I remember, I posted pictures on my first post.

Ah thank you. Lemme test.

 

I know I don't pass flawlessly now but I look so much better now so it baffles me why people treat me with less female pronouns than before. 

 

 

 

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, JustKate said:

I know I don't pass flawlessly now but I look so much better now so it baffles me why people treat me with less female pronouns than before. 

 

I can't say, you look like a woman to me.

 

Hugs!

[rainflower]

I would say you look pretty good, definitely fem. Who knows then, it is just one of those things, people know you.

[rainflower]

Also I was going to add, I wouldn't call that a regression or anything like that. I don't think other peoples' behaviors are a good indicator of where you are at, that is pretty complex.

[Willow McKenzie]

You look very nice.   Just enjoy your success, it will only get better over time.   As for the public, ---shrug--- oh well!

[JustKate]

Thanks everyone

I genuinely do feel I look female so I can't help wonder in a weird way that last year they were just humouring me with the female pronouns and now I look a lot more female, they're unsure about my height and breadth lol

 

Either way, it was just something I needed to get off my chest

 

[Ivy]

I think you look fine.

 

8 hours ago, Willow Farmer said:

If you are transitioning in a small town, you really can't hide, so everyone has to transition with you.   The more pride and comfort you show, the sooner they will just move on and accept the change.

I've lived in this town for about 50 years.  And I worked in a very public job for over 30 years.  When I started to transition a few years ago, there was no way I could do it non-publicly without moving away, and even then, I would be unlikely to "pass" anyway.

Sure, I wish I had been born female, but that's not the case.  I had to realize that whether I "passed" or not I still have to be me.

In a weird way I think it may be a good thing that I am visibly trans.  Some people (mostly women) are friendly, most people seem indifferent.  

I guess my point is you can't live your life by what people around you think.  One of my shopping bags says "Just Be You". I use it all the time.

[MelanieTamara]

12 hours ago, JustKate said:

So I wonder why I attract more staring now than ever before,

 

It's probably because transgendered issues are on the front burner. Spotting a transgendered person is like finding a 4 leaf clover for some. They now have exciting dinner conversation.

[JustKate]

1 hour ago, MelanieTamara said:

 

It's probably because transgendered issues are on the front burner. Spotting a transgendered person is like finding a 4 leaf clover for some. They now have exciting dinner conversation.

 

Oh I do agree, it's just a year ago I drew no attention, now, despite looking a ton better and passing enough I do lol

[Ivy]

13 hours ago, MelanieTamara said:

It's probably because transgendered issues are on the front burner. Spotting a transgendered person is like finding a 4 leaf clover for some. They now have exciting dinner conversation.

I hadn't really thought of this, but I'm sure it is a thing.

"Oh my!   They're everywhere!"

[Charlize]

In the small town where i grew up and live folks who have lived here for years know me and my story.  I don't hide that anymore or feel badly about it as it's something that i can't change.  It may also help others who can see me living as myself without fear or shame to accept themselves or others.

Yesterday when i traveled to south central VA driving my dump truck with a horse trailer behind i was stared at but also noticed men casting shy second looks and jumping to open the door for me.  I guess i pass in trump country but am glad i don't live there.  I have at this point no need or desire to go stealth.  "I am what i am" said Barnacle Bill the sailor.

It took time to feel this way but today i'm blessed!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Heather Shay]

or "I wam what I yam" Popeye the Sailor.

[Heather Shay]

oooops - that was supposed to be I yam what I yam (I think Popeye was a vegetatian being he also liked spinach besides those yams)

[KayC]

I think you look absolutely lovely, Katie.  In both pics!