Others who've choosen not to … ?

[Rianon]

Hello, all!

 

I'll keep this brief. I know what I'm like when I've a chance to introduce myself. If I'm not tough with myself, summer will be here and gone and I'll still be jabbering. So, to be brief: I'm 76. (Does that make me the oldest on Pulse?) To speak to the key issue: I've identified myself as trans feminine––but to be honest, I'd not heard that expression before entering info in my Profile. Since I'm non-op (and, at the moment, plan to remain so), trans feminine sounded about right. (Although, I'd love to hear others' thoughts on the category.) Growing up, I tried every imaginable identity, beginning with questioning, moving on the gay (when I was a teen), later crossdresser, trans, transgender, and now (maybe) trans feminine. I'd be glad to tell you more about the ups and downs of my identity journal if anyone cares to hear, but if I'm to be brief … well, then, this is brief. To know me otherwise: I've spent my life in theater, mostly as an actor, but also a director, playwright, and administrator. In 2011, I retired (almost!) from the theater, and today am enjoying my retirement and earning a few extra dollars as a writer. All in all, I'm happy. I say that, yet I would welcome the opportunity to chat with others who've been on a similar identity journey. ––Riannon

[Jackie C.]

Salutations @Riannon!

 

You might be the current oldest active member, but that's a hard statistic to track. I know we've had older than 76 while I've been here and I'm too polite to start scouring profiles of our older members for who is the longest of tooth. That would be rude.

 

Second point. Whatever your label yourself is between you and you alone. I identify as Female. I identified as transgender when I got here. I'm so over that. I'm a woman. That's it. The unfortunate condition I was born into has been medically rectified and as far as I and the state are concerned, I'm a woman. Period.

For yourself, identify as whatever feels right to you. I certainly won't judge.

 

I don't think anybody who has the theatre bug ever really gets free. It's a little like the mafia that way. Every theatre junkie I've ever known has kept their hands in it to some degree until they physically can't, and then for a little while after that.

 

So I'm going to call this your introductory post (even though I know it isn't) and say: "Welcome to TransPulse! We're glad you're here!"

 

Hugs!

[Rianon]

Hi, Jackie

 

Thanks so much for the warm welcome! Thanks, too, for your encouraging words. I applaud you for saying in no uncertain terms that you are a woman, because, in fact, you are. I applaud not only your saying it, but also the clarity of the statement. It's odd: when I was a toddler, I confided i myself that I was a girl, even though I had to keep it a secret (or, at least back then, I thought I did). Then as I grew I began to equivocate, calling myself whatever seemed appropriate for the moment, all the while knowing I possessed a hidden truth. It's only been in recent years––not because of age or retirement or anything, really––that I've decided to come out, not longer young enough to be the girl that I was but to be the woman I've always been.

 

I smiled when you spoke the truth about us theater-folk: that we never quit. Since my so-called "retirement" in 2011, I've done three shows––and stand ready to do more, whenever. The only difference: I'm a little choosier now, accepting roles I feel I'm appropriate for and, when possible, working with actors and crew I've enjoyed working with in the past. If such roles and people don't come along every other month, that's okay. I've got a bookcase of good books to read!

 

Again, thank you for your kind words!

Riannon

[rainflower]

Welcome to the group. The history with your identity followed a path pretty close to mine. I consider myself trans/a woman, I don't plan on getting any surgeries except maybe an orchi, I don't have much bottom dysphoria to justify going thru all that.

[Rianon]

Hello, Awesome Claire! (I love the Awesome part!) Thank you for your words of encouragement. I used to think that every possible surgery was a MUST. I attribute that in part to the days I was attending our local gender group; it seemed in those days if you identified as trans-anything it was expected you were looking forward to one if not all the possible surgeries. Oh, sure, for a while I believed my time would come (if only I could save up enough money). Being trans-anything at the center was such a competitive thing! I used to think that the absolute requirement for every sort f surgery was a bit like a 19th-century homesteader having to "prove up" in a year's time or lose everything. I thought if I didn't get my surgeries I'd lose my acre of land and my mule. Ha! Again, Awesome Claire, thank you for your kind words! ––Riannon

[Jackie C.]

3 hours ago, Riannon said:

Hello, Awesome Claire! (I love the Awesome part!) Thank you for your words of encouragement. I used to think that every possible surgery was a MUST. I attribute that in part to the days I was attending our local gender group; it seemed in those days if you identified as trans-anything it was expected you were looking forward to one if not all the possible surgeries. Oh, sure, for a while I believed my time would come (if only I could save up enough money). Being trans-anything at the center was such a competitive thing! I used to think that the absolute requirement for every sort f surgery was a bit like a 19th-century homesteader having to "prove up" in a year's time or lose everything. I thought if I didn't get my surgeries I'd lose my acre of land and my mule. Ha! Again, Awesome Claire, thank you for your kind words! ––Riannon

 

I think this depends on the group. I've heard the same thing from friends scattered around the country, but I've personally never encountered it.

 

Hugs!

[Rianon]

Hi, Jackie

 

As you say, it depends on the group. I'm certain that's true. A wise person in the group, seeing I was troubled, reminded me that life is not pass/fail. She has remained a dear friend to this day.

 

Riannon

[KathyLauren]

Hi, @Riannon.  Welcome!

 

You are whoever and whatever you say you are.  And what, if anything, you choose to do about it will undoubtedly be the right thing for you to do.  Your path is uniquely yours, and for you alone to decide.

 

In the last few years, I have gotten into theatre work, at least until the pandemic started.  I am just the sound-and-light girl, though I am sure the directors would love to get me up on stage.  (It's a small community theatre, and they are often short of bodies.)  I have no ambitions to act, though.  Something about having acted a part for the first 62 years of my life puts me off it.

 

I did choose HRT and GCS, so I don't fit the parameters of your title question.  But I am sure our journeys are similar in many other ways.  I look forward to seeing you around the forums.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[rainflower]

6 hours ago, Riannon said:

Hello, Awesome Claire! (I love the Awesome part!) Thank you for your words of encouragement. I used to think that every possible surgery was a MUST. I attribute that in part to the days I was attending our local gender group; it seemed in those days if you identified as trans-anything it was expected you were looking forward to one if not all the possible surgeries. Oh, sure, for a while I believed my time would come (if only I could save up enough money). Being trans-anything at the center was such a competitive thing! I used to think that the absolute requirement for every sort f surgery was a bit like a 19th-century homesteader having to "prove up" in a year's time or lose everything. I thought if I didn't get my surgeries I'd lose my acre of land and my mule. Ha! Again, Awesome Claire, thank you for your kind words! ––Riannon

Thank you. The Awesome is a challenge to myself and a reminder that I have value and have done some neat things. Tran is a very personal experience, and there are even those that only go thru a social transition without even doing HRT. It's whatever you feel you need to do.

[Charlize]

Welcome Riannon from a young woman of 72.  Like you i knew i wanted to be seen female much of my life. As a child my parents and society quickly let me know that wasn't possible.  I learned to be the person they wanted.  Can't say i had a terrible life but i lived it with a "terrible" secret.  Today i simply live as myself.  Perhaps as an older person i simply care less about how others perceive me.

This site has helped me immensely.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Delcina B]

Welcome Riannon! I don't know that the label is of importance. I see it as something I can change as easy as an outfit. For me a huge comfort came just acknowledging to myself that I am me, I am not wholly the male being I externally presented & that's okay. I'm glad you're happy with who you are & that you're here.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[KayC]

Hi Riannon!  nice to meet you and Welcome!

On 4/30/2021 at 3:07 AM, Riannon said:

I've identified myself as trans feminine

Me too! as you can see.  It took me a while after I came to the Forum and created my profile to settle on transfeminine.
I am not really one for "labels" and prefer to feel that I am just uniquely "Me" but I also think its important for my self-acceptance to decide (at least as close as possible) who the real Me is. 

I am not on HRT yet (but would like to be ... long story) and probably will not have any GRS procedures (I could probably use a face lift and facial feminization though). 

 

So we are all uniquely different and I think that's what makes us Special ?  Happy you found yourself here in our community❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Rianon]

Good morning, Kay

 

What you say about labels makes such good sense. I leave things at transfeminine for now. I too regard myself as simply me. Me has sufficed for many years. I can't say that it surprised me when I was creating my Pulse profile to be asked for "my" label, I did have a uh-oh moment. I'll confess too that I'd not before heard of transfeminine (only after completing my profile did I do a Wiki search), but, as far as labels go, transfeminine felt reasonably comfortable. I agree: self-acceptance is what really matters.

 

Thank you for welcoming me to Pulse!

Riannon 

[Betty K]

Hi @Riannon, I’m very glad to know you. I’m only 47 but I feel as if I may be at the juncture where I decide whether to live my life as you have chosen — no hormones, no surgery, and (if I read right?) no presenting as female — or to start on a journey the idea of which both thrills and terrifies me. For that reason I’d love to hear more of your story and hope to read more of your wise words in these forums.

 

Welcome!

[Rianon]

Good morning, Betty

 

Thank you for your kind welcome! I've been hoping to find a community like this for ages.

 

Only this morning have I been able to reply to members' Forum posts with private thank yous. I'll reply to yours here "in the open" because of something you say: "I’d love to hear more of your story and hope to read more of your wise words in these forums." (Thanks for saying that, but I don't think my word are all that "wise." ?) As a new member, I've been wondering what the protocol is: Should I reply to posts right here in the Forum, even if my reply is a simple "Thank you," or is it better if use private messages? I sure don't want to be guilty of gunking up the Forum!)

 

That said, Betty, I'm happy to tell you about my journey––and I'd loved to hear about yours. You're right: in my case, no hormones, no surgeries, although I do present as female or male, depending on the occasion. (It can be quite dizzying!) My greatest release in recent years is writing my story. Frankly, it's been challenging. A lifetime of subterfuge makes un-tinkered-with honesty a real challenge. You'd laugh if you knew how many times in the course of writing one page I have to stop myself and say, Oh, come on now, that's not really what happened. ?

 

I'm taking up too much of your time, Betty. I'll stop, saying again thank you for your welcome. I hope we'll speak again, either here in the Forum or by private message.

 

Cheers!

Riannon

[Charlize]

Riannon your question of whether to use the open or personal message is a good one.  I certainly would not worry about

" gunking up the forums".   I've found by sharing openly there is always the chance of helping someone else.  Posting here has perhaps also made it easier for me to open up and drop the guilt and fear ifelt for so long.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Sandra6sandy9sand]

Welcome Rhiannon, my life story is similar to yours. I’ll be 77 at the end of the month. I grew up in rural up state New York in a small town where social norms were strictly demonstrated. At that time, I felt that I was the only boy in the world who wanted to be a girl.

 

Fast forward to today and thanks to this forum, I accept that a woman lives in my body. I’ve been married for 41 years and fear divorce and rejection by my family. I just want to be me. 90 percent of my cloths are woman’s but the secret of the real me is hidden.

 

My journey forward has been very slow but still moving forward. I don’t want any surgery or HRT at this point, I just need to be accepted as me.

 

Sorry to go on about me. I wish you well and hope you enjoy the forum. Take care and hugs.

 

Sandra 

[Rianon]

Hi, Sandra

 

Where in Upstate New York? I'm from NYC––or I was from NYC; I'm in Denver now, but I have family back in New York, not quite in Upstate New York but at various spots along the Hudson River Valley.

 

My journey too has been a slow one. For the longest time I thought I was gay. I tried living that lifestyle (I know that's not a "lifestyle," but only for purposes of explaining), and enjoyed two semi-long term relationships, both ending, leaving me convinced I was a failure as a gay man. I now know that wasn't the problem at all. Of the two words––"gay" and "man"––it wasn't the first that was the problem, it was the second: I wasn't a man.

 

Today, I'm at peace with that. I too am not interested in surgery or HRT. I've a good life as-is. Some years ago I might have wanted to tamper with my life, but no longer, not now, not at 76. Writing my life story (which I'm busy doing) and this Forum will suffice nicely for a trans outlet.

 

Thank you for your words of welcome! Stay in touch..

 

Hugs,

Riannon

[Sandra6sandy9sand]

Hi Riannon, I was raised on a farm in Yates County in the Finger Lakes area. When I enlisted in the Army at the physical in Syracuse someone in charge asked if anyone was homosexual. At age 19 I had never heard that word before. No one responded to the question.

 

I’ve always identified as feminine internally but played the male role as best I could. I feel comfortable with who I am today and will continue to move forward slowly.

 

Take care and keep in touch.

 

Hugs

 

Sandra