A journey starts with one step

[PixieOfTheHills]

Hi all,

 

I’ve already taken a few steps on my journey, but I think joining this community is probably one of the most important bc it gets to the centre of what’s rly going on with me. 
 

having lived too many years - actually *not knowing * who or what I am, well, it’s not easy to readjust to the ‘new me’. Am I doing the right thing(s)? What dangers lie ahead? Who’s going to be gender phobic? How can I handle negative feedback? 
 

any journey starts off with unknowns. 
 

like how can I change my pfp? Maybe after a few posts things get unlocked. 
 

Anyway, I’m rly looking forward to meeting members here ?

 

[Jackie C.]

Salutations!

 

First off, yes, you can change your profile pic after you have a few posts under your belt. The destructions are over here --> How Do I Change My Profile Pic?

 

So yeah, welcome to Transpulse! We're glad you're here! Please feel free to ask questions and avail yourself of our helpful volunteer staff.

 

Hugs!

[Gabriel]

Hi @PixieOfTheHills, welcome!

 

Yes, that's the road - full of uncertainties but also full of potential and possibilities.

This is an amazing positive site to look for support and information on all of them.

Whishing you a fulfilling journey  

[PixieOfTheHills]

Tysm for the welcome. Always fun to work out how a new site ‘works’ and ofc making friends!!! ?

[Charlize]

Welcome Pixie.  This was an amazing wonderful if occasionally fearful journey for me.  Just knowing I'm not alone still helps me.

I'm glad you've joined us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Delcina B]

Welcome Pixie of the Hills! I can relate to the not knowing & when I did catch a glimpse I rejected me. Then when I could finally accept who I was this journey began. Glad you're here.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Timber Wolf]

Hi PixieOfTheHills,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Cyndee]

Welcome PixieOfTheHills , do step in, as you begin to step out...?

 

Hugs

 

C

[Heather Shay]

@PixieOfTheHills love Pixies welcome.

[Ivy]

Welcome Pixie

[PixieOfTheHills]

Wow!!! So many welcomes!!! Thanks. Nice warm feeling. ?

[PixieOfTheHills]

A bit about me. 

How did I get to here today?

 

 Warning: rather a long post, but at least I can say it all at once and that’s it. Sure, there’s detail, but that will have to wait. 
 

I am the last of six children. And I was small/thin. I was labelled the ‘runt’ of the family. 

I felt unworthy. 

i didn’t feel ‘normal’ from about the age of 9. 

I refused to wear coats because I thought they made me look fat.

 

I would refuse to eat breakfast, resulting in fainting at school.

 

 The family was fairly wealthy. But me being..... end of the line..... didn’t get the same treatment as the others. 

 

I was sent away to boarding school. It was.... horrible. I felt that I’d been abandoned. 

(Don’t worry..... it’s not all doom and gloom. Some good things did happen!!!!). 

I suffered sexual abuse at that school from a teacher. 

At home..... my older brother would beat me up every day. And I don’t mean little fisti-cuffs. He nearly killed me several times. 

(I actually do not  attribute my current gender identity to the above, but it’s important, as will become clear). 

I moved on to senior school. It was better there. That is until my parents failed to pay the fees just before my exams. I opted to just leave and forge my own way. 

couple of suicide attempts. 

Got a job. I’ve never had trouble finding work. 

Dating. It just didn’t happen. I’ve no idea why not in those early days. 

Then girls (and sometimes boys) started to latch on to me. 

long story short.... All but two relationships were disagreeable to me. I.e. in love. The others were..... (I hate the r*** word.  Can’t use it) aggressively forced on me, by women (surprisingly) who just would not take ‘No’ for an answer. Some of the detail is horrific. Why didn’t I stop it? I felt powerless......  (ahhhhhh???). 

I’d had disordered eating during childhood.
 

Then anorexia struck me. Severely. Spent 18 months in a clinic. I had to eat my way out of the door as I’d done the ‘course’ four times over and I just couldn’t face it another time. I wasn’t  cured by any means. 

Met my wife to be. She changed her name to mine before we even discussed marriage. More forcing??

 

 Got married. Had two lovely kids. 
soon after the second was born, I lost all interest in sexual and romantic matters. Result: end of marriage

 

 but I’m happier now, in many respects. I’ve hidden my asexuality/aromanticism/feminine/non binary traits the past four years as, to be honest, I didn’t know if there was any point in coming out. My ex saw all my non binary traits when we first met. But I adjusted to being grey, to have children?

 

Then one day something clicked and I finally admitted to myself that I was..... different. 
 

I’ve spent three months adjusting to being neutrois/non binary/androgynous. 
 

but at present it’s all a bit messy. 
 

i now have avoidant personality disorder (AvPD), anorexia (bad relapse), dysmorphia, depression and dysphoria to a degree. 
 

But I am winning the battle. 

Where do I want to get to? I’d liked to be plain simple androgynous with an aesthetically pleasing presentation. That’s hard. I realise now that when I was young I had these things. Now I’m trying to roll the clock back to have the youth I never had. An impossible goal, but 50% of that is in the mind. 
 

Oh. I said it wasn’t all doom and gloom. That’s true. Trumpet blowing time. 
 

people tell me that I’m very intelligent. 

 

I’ve always been successful at work. Lots of international travel, executive type stuff. It doesn’t bear repeating how my Ed played up flying around the globe attending business lunches etc!!!

 

I can ski at competition level. I used to race when young but I didn’t have enough weight to make national level. Still, I won my last two races, one of which was the international freestyle championships. (Oh. I’m half Swiss...). 
 

So, some good stuff there. 
 

Finally..... if you’re wondering..... yes, I have a pixie hairstyle. It’s androgynous and looks pretty cute on me. I’ve got a heart shaped face which helps. So I’m told lol. 
 

thank you for reading ?

 

[Heather Shay]

you and I share the anorexia - I got down to 97 pounds on a 5' 10" frame (not pretty) I figured I was committing suicide the slow way but somehow I managed to climb out of that. 

 

i am proud of the steps you are now taking and I believe you will find TP an amazing and comfortable place to spend as much time as you can.

 

So many wonderful people here - saved my life and continue to guide me and give advice with no conditions.

[Ivy]

Thanks for sharing your story, Pixie.

[Gabriel]

Really glad your here telling us your story after such a bumpy road. Heartfelt congratulations for getting here and ever closer to yourself. Keep it up, we'll cheer for you.

[PixieOfTheHills]

Thanks for the replies. Yes, it was quite hard putting that all in writing. First time actually. 

i sense that the community here is very supportive of one another. I look forward to the day I can reciprocate, but at the moment I’m on a pretty steep learning curve. 

 

back to school time lol

[KayC]

On 5/16/2021 at 4:24 PM, PixieOfTheHills said:

I’ve already taken a few steps on my journey, but I think joining this community is probably one of the most

Hi Pixie!  YES, you are correct about this, as I think you have already discovered. 

 

I think you have already discovered quite a bit about yourself.  Gender therapy is a great help if that is available to you. 
Just remember, its the journey that is important ... not the destination.

Deep breaths ... one step at a time❤️

[PixieOfTheHills]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Gender therapy is a great help if that is available to you. 

Yep. It is. I’m having my second session tomorrow ?

[KayC]

1 hour ago, PixieOfTheHills said:

I’m having my second session tomorrow

That's GREAT!  have an awesome session, Pixie❣️

[PixieOfTheHills]

Interesting therapy session. We covered loooooooooads of ground. From Ed’s to dysphoria to dysmorphia to asexuality to neutrois..... and ended up discussing which foundation is best!!! (I’ll do anything and everything for a younger complexion) ?