I'm very confused with myself

[Topliko]

The paragraph that will follow is not well structured, it's very very messy, and there're probably many errors since English is not my mother tongue, so sorry.

 
I'm born female but when people use "she" for referring to me or call me "girl", I feel ashamed or profoundly ridiculed and stupid (no matter the context), this is since I was very little and I don't know why it happens, it just happens. I highly hate the fact that in the near future people will call me woman, it embarrasses me so viscerally, I feel like it's largely worse than being called girl. When people call me girl, or they say I'm a female, I just feel like an impostor, I feel a dissonance in me, followed by shame. It's very hard to explain but I don't deeply feel belonging to the female group, I don't feel concerned with woman and girls, I don't see myself as a female, I just can't make the link with myself being female on a visceral level, and I don't understand what it means to feel like woman or female (in fact, I always thought that everybody didn't felt particularly woman or man).

 

I don't feel like a man or boy either, but when people refer to me by using "he" I don't feel ashamed or stupid (because in my language "he" is also used as a neutral pronoun), tho when people say I'm a "boy" or "guy" it deeply embarrasses me, but I don't feel this deep dissonance.

I have more empathy toward men and boys than toward woman and girls, this is completely involuntary, I don't know what's the cause for it, I remember feeling this way since I was very little.

 

I don't feel uncomfortable with my face, voice or body, in fact I feel very confortable with them probably because my body resemble like a child body (I'm very very thin, very small ribcage, almost no breasts and hips) which it feels genderless; my face feels quite a bit androgynous (I've been told that multiple time), and my voice is very ambiguous.

I don't hate my genitalia, I really don't care about it.

 

When I was little I had very boysh interests, and played a lot with boys by playing to very boysh games, and I hated dressing "hyper-feminine" (still now) it made me feel dissonant, ashamed and stupid.

 So now im questioning what I am?  What causes me to feel that way? Is that neurological/biological or social? I didn't had any traumatising or particularly strange event in my life.

[VickySGV]

We try to take time to listen to our members with language "translation" issues here, and your writing is easy to understand compared to some other people we have helped in the past.  Your story makes sense in other ways to us as well since being Trans will totally bewilder a non Trans person even using ordinary English.  We do know and speak the language of Trans and you seem to fit what we know about that.  Welcome to the Forums.

[Delcina B]

Welcome Topliko! I can relate to your confusion & for many years mine was joined with shame & denial also. I think you will find others experiences here helpful in understanding your own. A gender therapist might be of help. While I am waiting for my appointment I've been studying a workbook titled, You & Your Gender Identity by Dara Hoffman-Fox you might find helpful also. She also has YouTube videos where she reads it.

 

Hugs,

Delcina