New Transfeminine and new here!

[PheonyxJayde]

Hi all!

 

I’ve been dressing basically as long as I can remember but recently through therapy and journaling I’ve really come to realize that I am transfeminine.  I don’t know if that journey will bring me to transition or some other stops along the way.  I just know that I need to connect with others who have been or are on this journey themselves. I’m looking forward to making connections with you and sharing my own joys and challenges along the way. 

Pheonyx 

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Pheonyx.  Welcome.

 

There are lots of us who have been on similar journeys.  Some get where they are going sooner, some get there later.  Take your time and see where it leads you.  We'd love to learn as much about you as you feel like sharing.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[DeeDee]

Hiya, pleased to meet you. ? Journalling is a fantastic way to help sort out all of those thoughts and feelings!

[PheonyxJayde]

Thanks Kathy!  So I’m 45 and probably dressed in some way since I was In my early teens.  I grew up in a house where that would have been seen as deviant and then was in the military where it was a crime.  I got out and got married and had kids so I’ve played the role of really good and faithful dad but have pushed these desires to be me so far down that they really were repressed until now. Now I’m facing this idea that I really am, at my core, female.  And that I only have so many days left and want to spend them as the woman I long to be.  But  I’m a touch lost as to where to go from here. And I’m scared of losing everything - my family, friends, job, all of it. 
 

that’s where I am now, I’m not sure how to progress but would love perspectives. 

[Jani]

Greetings PheonyxJayde,  I can understand the feeling of being lost but I trust you will find the way to being happy.  I was afraid of losing everything but it never happened.  All is good.  Have you checked out Maine Trans?  Prior to the pandemic shutdowns they had meetings in Portland and near to you in Kittery.  They went virtual then.  I'm sure they will restart in person meetings at some point.  Its a good group. 

Please join in the conversation.  

 

Cheers, Jani

[Timber Wolf]

Hi PheonyxJayde,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Heather Shay]

@PheonyxJayde so glad you are here. As you can already see there are some wonderful and caring and loving sisters here and we welcome you with open arms and loving ?.

[KathyLauren]

13 hours ago, PheonyxJayde said:

Thanks Kathy!  So I’m 45 and probably dressed in some way since I was In my early teens.  I grew up in a house where that would have been seen as deviant and then was in the military where it was a crime.  I got out and got married and had kids so I’ve played the role of really good and faithful dad but have pushed these desires to be me so far down that they really were repressed until now. Now I’m facing this idea that I really am, at my core, female.  And that I only have so many days left and want to spend them as the woman I long to be.  But  I’m a touch lost as to where to go from here. And I’m scared of losing everything - my family, friends, job, all of it. 
 

that’s where I am now, I’m not sure how to progress but would love perspectives. 

 

Aside from the kids (none) and the age (66), that is my story up until a few years ago.  The advice I was given was to find a good gender therapist.  That was good advice, and I am going to pass it on to you.

 

True, there are risks involved.  And it will feel like you are stepping out of the door of a plane without a parachute.  We will help you any way we can.  The outcome is not always bad.  My wife and I are closer than ever since I transitioned. 

[PheonyxJayde]

thank you all!!! I have been having trouble finding a space to connect with others online - there is so much that’s either all about fetishized stuff online or where people haven’t been active for years. This space already feels different. Thank you for being so welcoming. ?

[PheonyxJayde]

1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

 

Aside from the kids (none) and the age (66), that is my story up until a few years ago.  The advice I was given was to find a good gender therapist.  That was good advice, and I am going to pass it on to you.

 

True, there are risks involved.  And it will feel like you are stepping out of the door of a plane without a parachute.  We will help you any way we can.  The outcome is not always bad.  My wife and I are closer than ever since I transitioned. 

Wow, thank you so much for sharing. I have a therapist but I hadn’t considered a gender therapist specifically.  That’s fantastic advice - thank you!!!

[Delcina B]

Welcome Peonyx! Glad you're here. I've found the experiences of others, their advice, support & love very helpful & believe you will too.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Charlize]

Welcome dear.  Like you i dressed on and off all of my life.  Finding this site helped me understand, accept and follow a path to some peace with myself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KayC]

17 hours ago, PheonyxJayde said:

I just know that I need to connect with others who have been or are on this journey themselves.

Hi PheonyxJayde! and Welcome!

You've definitely found the right place.  The Members of this Forum (and gender therapy) have been am immense help to me.  I am sure you will find the same. 

Dive in, and don't be shy❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Ivy]

Wellcome PheonyxJayde.

Your story is common to a lot of us here.

[Astrid56]

Hey PheonyxJade!  Glad you’re here.  As others have said, your experience is familiar to us. I am older, 64, but pretty much in the same place. Seeing a gender therapist will be very helpful, I believe. My journey has been a long one too and I’m finally coming to grips with my inner self as well.  I think there are many things we will be able to share as we both walk down this road. 
 

?

Astrid

[Rachel76]

Hi Jayde! I am also in NH, but a little further north from the seacoast. Anyway, I turn 45 this year, and I transitioned just last year with many of the same fears you currently experience. If you ever wish to talk just let me know. I have the pleasure to say that since being able to become my true self, all of my fears were completely unfounded, and I have discovered far more support and acceptance than I ever dreamed possible. I tell you this in hopes that perhaps you can also find some hope that all is not bad out there. It sounds like we may have a bit in common with our experiences growing up as I too am a veteran.

[PheonyxJayde]

9 hours ago, Rachel76 said:

Hi Jayde! I am also in NH, but a little further north from the seacoast. Anyway, I turn 45 this year, and I transitioned just last year with many of the same fears you currently experience. If you ever wish to talk just let me know. I have the pleasure to say that since being able to become my true self, all of my fears were completely unfounded, and I have discovered far more support and acceptance than I ever dreamed possible. I tell you this in hopes that perhaps you can also find some hope that all is not bad out there. It sounds like we may have a bit in common with our experiences growing up as I too am a veteran.

Rachel,

 

thank you for sharing and nice to meet you. It does sound like we have a bit in common. It is encouraging to hear that the experience of later in life transition can be so positive. Also I read something a while ago that there is a higher percentage of trans people in the military than in the general population. Which I found funny but seems perhaps is true lol.  
 

pheonyx 

[KathyLauren]

2 hours ago, PheonyxJayde said:

Also I read something a while ago that there is a higher percentage of trans people in the military than in the general population. Which I found funny but seems perhaps is true lol. 

 

I am not sure if there is any hard data on it, but I have seen estimates that trans women have military experience at about twice the rate of the general population.  I think that, generally, it comes from trying to "man up" prior to coming out.  That certainly was the case with me.

 

There is a whole forum here for active and former military members: https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/index.php?/forum/8-military-veterans-and-active-duty-service-members/

[Rachel76]

So when I spoke with the psychologist at the VA I was informed that there was a much higher rate of transwomen serving and they are curious as to why and are trying to figure it out. I did tell them it was from an intense desire to "fit in and be normal" but of course, what really is "normal" anyway. 

[Ivy]

That elusive normal!

[Bri2020]

Welcome and I believe all the above comments are spot on. 
ive been in your shoes. I was worried I would lose my wife, kids, friends, home, family etc etc. the fear of losing my life made me come out to my wife. I knew that once I had accepted who I was, living a lie would be toxic to all my relationships.  The only hope I had was that some would survive and I would get through it somehow and be happy in the end. 
Turns out all my fears were for nothing. Everyone supported me and my relationships are even deeper than before. Every step I’ve taken in this journey has been preceded  by fear, but once I took that step forward I found more happiness. 
so my advice is find that gender therapist and then don’t let your fears make your decisions for you. 
Hugs

Bri

[PheonyxJayde]

3 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

Welcome and I believe all the above comments are spot on. 
ive been in your shoes. I was worried I would lose my wife, kids, friends, home, family etc etc. the fear of losing my life made me come out to my wife. I knew that once I had accepted who I was, living a lie would be toxic to all my relationships.  The only hope I had was that some would survive and I would get through it somehow and be happy in the end. 
Turns out all my fears were for nothing. Everyone supported me and my relationships are even deeper than before. Every step I’ve taken in this journey has been preceded  by fear, but once I took that step forward I found more happiness. 
so my advice is find that gender therapist and then don’t let your fears make your decisions for you. 
Hugs

Bri

Thank you sooooo incredibly much.  This gives me so much hope. I know each of our stories are unique. But this does give me hope of what’s possible. 

[Rachel76]

On 6/1/2021 at 7:17 PM, PheonyxJayde said:

Thank you sooooo incredibly much.  This gives me so much hope. I know each of our stories are unique. But this does give me hope of what’s possible. 

While yes our stories are unique, they are all also very similar! Fear is an over arching issue we all face, I personally got to my final stage, almost pulled the trigger, quite literally. My dog saved my life that night, and I confronted who I really was and came to acceptance after a few days of soul searching. Once I accepted myself, I knew I could no longer live the lie I had my entire life, and moved forward. Yes every step was preceded by fear, but each step also brings about more confidence. I was certain I would lose everything and everyone I held dear, but I was ready for that, as my only other option was permanently checking out, which honestly is losing even more. I could not have imagined the support and acceptance I have received since transitioning, the people, who's views my story has changed on our community, as I continue to share my life's experiences and do not shy away from people who genuinely just want to try and understand that which we can't even understand ourselves! And yes, all of my relationships have vastly improved, and I have found true happiness! I'm currently getting into a medical center to have bottom surgery and could not be more excited! Enjoy the transition, and hold your head high for being able to do what many other people, even those in our shoes, do not have the inner strength to do! Be the real you!!

[Ivy]

3 hours ago, Rachel76 said:

I personally got to my final stage, almost pulled the trigger, quite literally.

Been there myself.