Father's Day. Convoluted process but finally Came Out to Kids success

[swallow]

Good News everybody, I finally built up the nerve to broach the subject to the kids.?

 

They're 18 and 16 now so its not like they are in need of too much shielding anymore I suppose.

 

Over last several years they have first become avid watches of RuPaul's and then Pose. Those of course were my favorite shows so I was surprised my daughter took a shine to them.

 

I figured maybe they were trying to work something out.?

 

I spoke at length to my Therapist about my concern with coming out and them. This was pre-pandemic before I stop seeing her. We agreed I could always use seeing her as the foil or road into the conversation, show I was doing something active about issues.

 

The last thing I wanted was to lose them. And with my partner passed on, I did not want to appear an 'unstable' single parent either or to them a self centred creature.?

 

Particularly with my son going through High School, I did not want to embarrass him or deprive him of his father figure (We share so many similar interest in sport or movies)

 

...with my daughter, I know she took to my Transgender and Gay friends I had made many decades back on a project when we last met up with them just after my partner's passing. In fact she was very excited to meet them. And later she made a good friend in High School who was MTF Transgender whom we have had over several times for meals or given a lift to.

 

So when she said she was taking a ride back with this friend, I asked if she wanted to stay for dinner. Since she said yes, I thought maybe I could just tell them with her around as an ally. I planned to put on 'TransAmerica' under the pretext it was 'Father's Day' and I get to pick the movie for the night (Caveat if everyone was of course OK with it or had not seen it yet..)

 

Then I cooked a meal in particular a (later failed) attempt at a Thai Beef and Eggplant dish (Since my daughter's friend is Thai)

 

And I put on a crop top plus leggings but modestly chose to cover up with a light white cotton shirt over...

 

And waited.

 

They sauntered back from their movie at 745pm, I put the disc in but then realise (of course) it wasn't working so no 'TransAmerica'?

 

In the end we watched "Fame' the 1980s Alan Parker Original which I had been meaning to watch again since that decade. I love the songs in it particularly Irene Cara singing "Out Here On My Own" (although I like the Maria Carey version too)...and I was planning to get familiar with them, belt them out in the shower as Therapy/training for voice femminization I suppose.?

 

Anyway logistics concerning food and explanation to these Post Millennials about the 1980s what a Ghetto Blaster is,  who the heck is Irene Cara, background to the filming etc prove so extensive I did not get to find a good way to work in my 'coming out'. Plus I spent quite some time explaining to my daughter's friend the botched attempt at a Thai dish(I had used the wrong paste apparently)?

 

The moment pass and I yet again pushed it aside.☹️

 

Come the next Day, actual Father's Day, my daughter had in mind a Tostada lunch.

 

She of course famously wakes up really late so I decided to make it myself and woke her at noon.

 

I made Surf and Turf Tostadas two options Lemon Garlic Butter shrimp and/or Pesto beef.

 

Unfortunately I was a ditz yet again in the kitchen and thought I was upgrading the side of fires with melted Blue Cheese, instead realise I just threw in Goat Cheese too late.?

 

Understandably, there were some complains about the fries.

 

After lunch, was surprised by an unexpected gift...(A watermelon based hair cream revitalizer for thin hair, a Korean foot peel compound kit and a Bath soap 'Bomb')?

 

So I just opened up there and then telling them that I will Always remain as father to them.?

 

But if they did not know already I have Gender issues I am working out with Therapy and that they were free to ask me whatever they wanted on it. That did not mean I was intent on SRS but if I dressed too odd for them or in any way embarrass them with my outfits or behavior with their friends to let me know.?

 

Of course, my daughter said she already knows since she used my Lap Top to print stuff once and I had carelessly left an email I had written to my Therapist open.?

 

Well great. So much for keeping secrets.???

 

So there's the Cat out of the Bag.

 

It went back to business...

 

I feel Massive (Understatement) relief.?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jackie C.]

Your kids are great, honestly. I wonder how many coming out stories end with a, "Yes, we know, and?"

 

Mine did to my friends. They basically said, "Well, duh," and we got on with the evening.

 

To a successful coming out!

 

Hugs!

[tracy_j]

Congratulations! It sounds like a wish come true

 

Tracy

[swallow]

Hi Jackie, Tracy,

 

Thanks for the encouragement.

 

This forum has at least allowed me to work out my Psychosis (not sure if it is entirely helpful for others reading it)?

 

And it has pushed me down the plank more, emboldened me to open up.?

 

I was worried about my daughter bc she can be very curt with me.

 

Personally I don't remember writing anything to my Therapist via email beyond working out meeting times and pricing.

 

but whatever...main thing is she is accepting.

 

Anyway she's off tonite with her Trans friend after her friends Restaurant shift. I'm not sure where they are going so late at night but I'm guessing at some point, I might be the subject of their chit chat.?

 

I'm hoping with this hurdle crossed, I can then decide to work on my voice better with 'blessing'/tolerance of the kids bc they are the ones I feel if I just started squawking would find it the most difficult to take without necessary preparation.

 

It seems visually, others are fairly tolerant or as I've mentioned before think its part and parcel/package deal of my 'enigmatic character'. But the voice to me is like the 'point of no return'...they may start to want to know what the hell is up with that...?

 

with this two having my back, I will at least feel more resolve and stronger. And if I go on to take HRT or other measures, I feel this is a pivotal milestone for me.

[Charlize]

I sounds like you are finding your path.  My son took my transition hard and was older than your children.  Yesterday as he was walking back to his home he said happy fathers day and mothers day as well. Our relationship is stronger than ever.

The journey can be hard but hopefully you will find peace.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KayC]

That's an AWESOME Coming Out story, @swallow.  Thank you for sharing that❣️

[Delcina B]

That's wonderful news Swallow! Mine wasn't a time of coming out, only a reflection on it. Starting Saturday night I began feeling a foretelling that this may, or will be the last Father's Day my daughters & grandchildren know me as purely dad/ grampy. I'm pretty okay with it; I'm the same loving & caring person I've been on the inside, just a different wrapper. Kind of like rebranding M&Ms, they still met in your mouth, and not in your hand (well not always! ?)

 

Those secrets you mentioned always seem to reveal themselves, even when I try my utmost to hide them. 

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[swallow]

Hi, thanks everyone.

 

You have ALL embolden me just by being a listening ear.?

 

Otherwise I would have kept stalling in fear.

 

I don't think much as change with me and them/ They still call me 'Papa' which is fine by me.?

 

And they are STILL on my case. Today i tried to have my daughter help me with a 'project. My partner had bought a rather expensive wig during her cancer but she wore it only once and decided it wasn't her.?

 

So its been sitting in the closet banks and all.

 

I bought a Loreal Feria (EXTREME) Platinum Blonde Hair Dye.

 

I told my daughter we could attempt to dye the wig Blonde. Of course she told me "would it not be easier just to bleach the damm thing?"

 

To which I replied "Yah huh..."?

 

My IQ was instantly cut down to half.

 

Then she tried it on and I told her maybe take her glasses off  to which she replied I was being base bc I was suggesting someone with glasses means they can't look good.?

 

Good grief. Time to exit and move some cars I had parked for my neighbors on the street.?

 

Nothing easy with daughter.

 

But at least its the same.?

[swallow]

Delcina, Charlize,

 

I guess with time comes acceptance and understanding that you are still the same core person to them?

 

I sent my Mom a picture of what my kids bought me for "Father's Day"....I included a medium shot of me in a fairly feminine textured gray crop top (albeit thankfully the app edited to above the exposed tummy). Prob I wanna say her eyesight is so bad she  won't notice much of a difference.?

 

OTOH I wonder how much things will change if I start to change my voice.?

 

Will some of my friends find it too artificial? Or will some find their interactions different?

 

I've started to see slight changes in relationship as is even without any effort on my voice yet.

 

Like my friend's husband hesitated at first but then offered to help carry some (light) chairs to the car for me.☺️

 

I think the voice is going to be a giant change for me (if I pull throught). Most people around me are used to I suppose the gradual feminization and besides, they've always considered me somewhat feminine anyway (or eccentric)

 

But the voice change will be a shocker maybe.?

 

We shall see.?

 

 

[Jackie C.]

2 hours ago, swallow said:

OTOH I wonder how much things will change if I start to change my voice.?

 

I can tell you that my Father In Law straight-up didn't notice. Well, didn't notice to ME anyway. He apparently kept asking my wife, "Who is that?"

 

Hugs!

[swallow]

@ Jackie

 

Too cute.?

 

I think my changes have been considerate and gradual enough.

 

Hopefully it won't be a big deal for anyone.

 

I have a mechanism of 'blanking it out' otherwise if someone says something unexpected to me I don't really want to deal with... and I just move along to another topic.?

 

I know some of the people on film sets seem to have very 'convenient Gender conversations' when I was within ear shot ?

 

Once I was 'trapped' in the passenger van enroute to set with the Electric and Grip department (All the big burly guys). I was tucked away at the back of the van. They were going on teasing one of the younger Electrics about 'New experiences with women with something extra to give'...he gamely said 'who knows, it may be an enjoyable encounter and no turning back'...?There was a palpable uncomfortable feeling I could be their reference point particularly as I had my hair in a side braid, there was always speculation whether I was MTF, FTM or otherwise...

 

Or a Production Assistant was going on (when I needed their help) to another in Art Dept about how he felt he could not stand the 'working' Transgenders that pestered him on the streets in Hollywood but if they were respectful of his space, he was fine with it.

 

I felt like they maybe...were trying to solicit some sort of reaction from me??

 

Anyway, I have a particular 'on set decorum'...its all business with me. I don't tend to idle chit chat on set (which they know and respect me for), so it was easy to blank out, ignore button and carry on with work.

 

" Is any of you fine Gentleman going to help me or what?" ?

 

Once I was hired onto a set with a Transgender girl as talent in a commercial. I never worked with this crew before . The Line Producer at the end of the shoot was looking for this talent (which he thought she had left set already). I told him I knew where she was. He gave me a cheque for her but he was RUDE. He called her 'the creature'.?

 

I did not say anything to him as it was not my place to do so. But I never worked for them again just firmly declined to.

 

Of course on set, I used my Military voice.

 

I can really project if need be bc of command and control training which is always odd coming from some one with my femme appearance.?

 

I wonder if I would have been subject of more unwanted 'disresepect' if I had had a feminine voice then instead.?

 

 

[swallow]

An Update everyone,

 

...not the kids but went out for lunch with business partner...started the conversation at an empty Thai restaurant trying to get him into some Martial Arts (with a legend) just so he can vary his fitness routine and maybe expand his social life in anew area of town he just moved into.

 

but of course he was dying to open topic on my recently revealed 'Gender issue'.?

 

As per the usual, he said he never realised anything and thought I was being just enigmatic with my dress sense.

 

I guess its Los Angeles people are ready for anything.

 

For me its ironic because I'm not dressed the way I am for others, certainly at least not primarily to attract any sexual attention.

 

If anything I'm dressing for my own fulfillment however nebulous it may be. I am at once uncomfortable all tucked up and subject to potential judgement yet at same time very comfortable in expressing the feminine.

 

We touched on my voice which he said would be more of a shock had I turned up sounding different.?

 

I told him this is my BIG bug bear.

 

I reassure people that I am at core the same person they are dealing with, friend, brother, father...but somehow if I switch voice, there is a sub-concious familiarity with the existent personality that may go missing with people around me.

 

It will take a big mental adjustment not just for them but for myself.

 

And I never really know if I will feel truly comfortable with it.

 

I told my therapist before I just don't feel myself with the female voice yet I loathe my male voice with a passion.?

 

Its such a conflict, so hard to overcome.

 

 Despite how jarring it is, people seem to give me a pass like today at the Mexican market. I don't feel they bat too much of an eyelid after initial shock that my voice is lower than my visual presentation should suggest.

 

but it all seems fake in different sense either way at the moment.?

 

I think its the biggest work in progress project at the moment.

 

I feel I have open the door a bit to trying out 'a new voice' and getting others but mostly myself use to the idea by 'coming out' to my business partner, my kids. Maybe I'll start to slowly try out the voice on them....with some accident forgiveness from them hopefully.?

 

Maybe its just an issue of confidence, to better embrace a new voice.

 

All the while, when I speak I've always heard a different voice of myself in my head, something (much) higher than what actually is vocalised by self.

 

I love THAT voice.

 

Who would know trying to make that voice a reality would become such a humongous psychological challenge.?