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Has anyone felt similar feelings?


Gidget

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Hi everyone. My name is Megan, I’m 30, and I’ve been out as a lesbian now since the age of 12. I’ve always been more masculine. As a child, my family always said I was a severe tomboy. Always dirty, always wearing boy clothes, always playing with the neighborhood boys. I remember from a young age feeling “something” for girls. Usually my older sisters friends, or the neighborhood girls. Once I hit the age of 11 or 12, I realized, “okay I like girls.” I was outed by my first ever girlfriends mother, who printed and sent a blog I had at the time, and anonymously mailed it to my parents. My family has always supported me dating women, my sexuality, and my appearance, fortunately. I’m forever grateful of that.
 

I’ve maintained a masculine image my whole life to this day. I wear boxer briefs, under shirts, men’s jeans, hats, etc. That’s how I’m most comfortable, and I love the way I look. (Other than my weight.)

 

I’m overwhelmed by the thoughts I’ve been having on and off for quite a few years now about the “what if” of possibly being transgender and I’m looking to talk with other people who have or maybe currently experiencing the same thoughts or curiosities I am. I’ll lay them all out -

 

In my more recent days, I am finding or maybe finally accepting that I’m not comfortable with my chest. I have larger breasts and I find myself turning my back to my wife (newlyweds) so she doesn’t see my chest when changing my shirt after a shower. I find myself insuring my sports bra straps are not showing when I wear shirts and tank tops. I get very uncomfortable when called sir in public as I get that often. From behind I look like a boy, and I’m okay with that, but when a stranger, or even someone I know mixes up my gender it makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed. Very embarrassed. Lately, I’ve been noticing people, close people to me, talk and accidentally refer to me as “he” then correct it and say “she”. When I envision myself and look at me “from outside my body” I do envision someone more masculine, without a large chest. When I’m out with my wife and our women friends, I feel myself mentally take on that “protector, you’re the only guy out tonight” role.  
 

This is all very new, even though these thoughts sprouted probably close to 7 or 8 years ago, due to the fact I think I have suppressed them, and even still do to this day. I find i think about these feelings only when I am “ready” to, or talking to my wife about them On my terms, which she is okay with. She’s amazing and never pushes me. She also reminds me when I do welcome the conversations, that she loves me regardless and will always be here for me and with me no matter what I discover. She’s made it clear that if I do ever decide to transition, she will be here every step of the way.

 

I guess I’m scared. I’m the type of person who does not do well AT ALL with change. Never have. As I allow myself to think about my identity more, more thoughts or realizations happen in my mind. Especially things from my childhood such as my mom having to explain to me at a young age that girls had to wear shirts to bed. I remember being mad because my brother didn’t have to, but I did. I remember trying to stand to pee, on more occasions then one. Kid stuff, or something bigger I was just never aware of? Having these memories rush back and connecting them all brings me so much fear. I know no one can tell me who I am, and what gender I feel most like. I usually tell people I am an alien because I definitely don’t feel like a woman, but I’m not sure if I want to transition and become a man. I’m also not sure if I am stopping myself due to fear of what others would think, how life as I’ve known it for 30 years is going to totally change, and also, my fear of needles, huge fear. 

 

Sorry for the book I just wrote, I just really could use someone to relate this all to. It’s so new, and I’m definitely taking my time with this. I’m so happy to find a community and platform to express this. Thanks for listening. Much love. 

 

 

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  • 4 months later...

Thank you for sharing ??

 

I don't think I can truly understand where you're coming from, but I can relate a little. I was never happy with who I was but too afraid to change (out to stand it at all)

 

What I'm starting with is baby steps: what things make me feel better about myself? So I spend a lot of my time shaving, but don't, say, paint my nails so often. If I've learned anything, there's no rule that says it has to be all or nothing. In fact there really are no rules at all!

 

Especially as your wife sounds so supportive, maybe just think about starting small, in areas that make you feel better about yourself. That helps me as I try to understand (and maybe finally not only tolerate, but love) myself

 

Again, thank you for sharing your story

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