Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

My mental breakdown of the past weeks.


TiredAndScared

Recommended Posts

Hi @Astrid,
Thank you for telling this.
I suppose i'm a bit confused and should have reasoned that it would not be that odd now i think about it.
That dysphoria ... yea ... That certainly also comes into play...
 

It just feels odd to me to do it to be honest.
A couple times i talked about it because i thought about it and wrote it down.
But having neglected most of my body for such a long time, makes me feel like it's a vain thing to do.
Perhaps it's a: 'Thing i want' vs 'How i protected myself automatically all those years' kinda thing.
 

(few minutes later)
Ok, let's try this...  I think i need to try and say more what i really want....
So, yea i indeed want to shape it but i'm afraid of choosing a wrong combination of exercises.
And i don't even know my own type of shape. 
i only know that in my youth it should have been balanced...

I think i'm gonna tell a fun little story for a bit.
Perhaps some of you remembered that i went on holiday to Spain with my parents in my youth.
Well during those vacations, a lot of recurring fellow vacation celebrators were there so friendships were made over the years.
And my parents also made acquaintances with another family and we had fun over the years.
There was also a son and a daughter, and even tho they were a fairly bit older. We also had fun with them.
Now, that son was a dance instructor so i believe he was around 20..22 or something?

And one summer he asked me for help with one of his dance moves.
He made the reason that i was more than likely to pull it off because of the gymnastics that i did and ye well,... simply said i was well trained and light enough for him to properly train that move.
I had a fair interest in doing athletic stuff and new exercises and acrobatic moves.
So before i exactly knew what it was i said yes.....

2 weeks....
2 weeks of first carefully being lifted in the swimming pool or the sea that was close by.
Being lifted above his head in the dance move 'The lift'.....exactly as in the movie Dirty Dancing...
It was awesome... :) He made me assume the exact pose(s) as his partners would have in the future.
First in the water.. and later on the beach...  One time even walking about 150 meters carrying me above his head.

And well yea that's kinda my reasoning for saying that i likely have a balanced body... 
Somewhere beneath that 55 pounds of extra blubber.
I just don't want to build any distinct muscles.
One "plus" of almost doing nothing is that all my muscles have gone soft.   
And another one i suppose is that i spent most time indoors so not much exposure to the sun.

My goal is to slim down with some generic exercises so that i dare to show myself in swimming gear again.
Then a combi of swimming and targeted exercises to go for specific areas.
Coupled with a good diet...

That would be the generic idea at least. I had planned for tomorrow to dive deeper into it and read up on everything.

That went a bit better than expected.... Lucky i remembered that story... it got me a bit less tense about talking about myself.
(Because of the gymnastics aspect of it... i always was fond of telling about all the things of gymnastics... still do i guess)
And it is kinda fun to imagine it, but also a bit scary if i'm honest....."Will i be able to get that form that i want?"

Anyway... first thing to lookup tomorrow: How to measure myself correctly.  So i get an idea of what i have to work with.

And a distant hope/goal.... Hourglass......   If my body allows it ...
 

But like i already said. i'm going to investigate it starting tomorrow... 
Oh and i also have to make an appointment with the doctor to get some tests going for my health check.
Guess it will be a busy day :)

Link to comment
  • Replies 123
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • TiredAndScared

    68

  • Ivy

    22

  • Vidanjali

    7

  • April-Showers

    7

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

I got up rather early today. The weather is still nice and i guess it will be a fine again today.


Sigh...
This whole 'being honest to myself' stuff is tiring. And sometimes i discover stuff that fears me...
You see, i have noticed something that i do the last few days and don't know what to think about it.
That is reading stories/novels that trigger me,..... make me cry.
And i don't really know why...

Stuff like that makes me fear myself.......it feels like something is broken.
Why do i do that to myself?

It blocks me in my daily life..... Makes me scared to do things.
You know,  i have never hold a baby in my life.  Nephews, nieces, anyone...
If someone asked me to hold the baby i always politely declined, telling i'm really not comfortable .....(I'm always scared i hurt it.)

Perhaps it's not really a surprise that i didn't have any real connection with anyone for the past 20 years..
I don't trust anyone or anything nor myself...

Just simply sitting still and only observing what is going on around me.
Never touching those images... Afraid to get burned again.
But desperately longing for it....
Sometimes i wonder if this is hell, even tho i'm not religious.

 

sigh..
Perhaps i should not ask for to much...i have seen those images for so long.
So for now i simply just hope i will be strong enough to reach out when i get a bit more trust in myself...
I feel weird about it...  My body shows reactions of fear simply when i think about it... signs of wanting to run away even tho i sit here in a locked house with no one around me.....I guess some things really are broken in me...

 

Ok i should stop thinking about this for now.
Time to take a long shower and get ready for the day.

I still want to do some things today.
Cleaning a bit, looking stuff up, make an appointment with the doctor, doing some more laundry....

Link to comment

This morning i did quite a bit of cleaning up and throwing stuff away.

Got my stairs, (tiny) front-hall and car cleaned out. And got rid of all spam folders and such.
Also dumped a couple pairs of old shoes. What the hell was i thinking by keeping that old broken crap?
And i still have more pairs from the past... They still look nice, just need some cleaning but it's very bulky.
Guess i'll just clean them a bit and donate them or something... I don't want to wear that anymore...

So now it's a bit more presentable when i open up the front door.  Also put an aromatic small jar, with this sticks in it to spread the scent, in the front hall.  
It smells nice when i come in now... It looks dreadful tho :( 
I seriously need to have a good look at my home and see what i want to change.

I also started to clean up my small front yard a bit. Pulled some weeds and stuff.
You know... Just doing stuff around the house...
Later on i went out for a bit to go to the coffee-shop to resupply.

After that i had a quick bite cuz i had not eaten yet today.
And i'm a bit lazy for the rest today if i'm honest.
Somehow i never seem to have the energy so that i can do want in a day.
Probably the result of ignoring my stamina for about 20 years...

 

For the rest of the day i just plan to do small things,  cleaning, folding laundry.... you know.
And smoking a bit...
I remember that i told yesterday that i want to make a plan today.  And i'm still going to do that.
But i'm going to do it in the evening.  The day is too nice to sit in front of the pc the whole time.

I try not to think to much today to be honest... 
Just simply navigate the day and enjoy the nice weather.
Well...  that's the plan anyways....  Hopefully my mind will agree....
The cleaning is kinda soothing.... Shaping my world a tiny bit more the way i want it.
Thinking about what to keep or or change or throw away, not bound by my old chains.
Or at least a lot less bound by them.

Link to comment
9 hours ago, TiredAndScared said:

Ok i should stop thinking about this for now.

i have been reading all that you write. it is quite exhausting to try to digest it or even understand what you are facing. i can't imagine being so confused with life. what you said about 'stop thinking about this' seems like a good idea. over-analyzing yourself can be self-defeating and snowball when you seem so lost. i am sad that you have to face this turmoil over and over. life has so much to offer if you just take advantage. push yourself into doing things that will occupy your time and your mind. easy for me to say i know.....but only you can give yourself that push. at least try. thank you. :)

Link to comment

Hi @April-Showers ,
Hahaha yea i can imagine that the reading is exhausting.
And stop thinking...?  i really want to... and i think i'm going in the right direction at least.

But... well to keep it short... i have never thought about myself or anything really in the past 2 decades..
Everything that i dump here is exactly how i experience it....  But it seems my mind is still restrained in some ways due to all what happened in the past. So it's indeed a tsunami of all sorts of thoughts and feelings that i completely ignored.

All those new and ignored feelings indeed make me feel .....confused.

Over-analyzing...
To tell the truth...   i'm not quite sure what else to do...
I don't have anyone i can talk to irl.... either about this or even about normal general stuff.
So.. yea this writing is all i have to figure out what it all means...
No therapist yet until next week.... So until then these feelings are still here and ignoring them doesn't work for me tbh.

What you try to tell me is warming and i truly want to do that. Thank you.

Link to comment
1 hour ago, TiredAndScared said:

What you try to tell me is warming and i truly want to do that. Thank you.

you're welcome. i try to project positivity as much as i can. good that you are getting therapy. at least that will give you someone to talk to. strive for being happy because life really is short. good luck to you. thank you. :)

Link to comment

Good morning everyone.
Another day with bright blue skies.

 

I've got a few plans for today. But mainly it will be cleaning and throwing stuff away again.
And i was a few times surprised when i was busy.

My 'normal' morning rituals are; getting out of bed and then the computer. 
Whilst at the computer i roll one up and smoke it... 
However this morning when i woke up i was thinking about what i wanted to do today and couldn't wait to start.
And i actually was busy for about half an hour and then i realized i hadn't smoked any weed yet.

Perhaps it's insignificant for all of you and... well yea i can't blame you if i'm honest.
But for me it felt like a little victory when i noticed it.

 

And another thing that i realized during yesterday and today is that i apparently like shoes..
I have thrown away about 5 pairs yesterday and today i still counted 10 pairs that i can wear....
That one caught me completely off guard to be honest :D

So for today i'm cleaning out the spare room and want to make it in some sort of training room.
And i also have to haul a heavy low table downstairs... Really not looking forward to that one...

Doing all this cleanup feels like i'm getting rid of my old self.
Creating space for the real me...

Link to comment

Kara, as I'm following your posts I can't help but see the change in you. In two short weeks the feelings you express have gone from feeling hopeless to hopeful & moving forward in life. Even a beaming emoji in a recent post. I'm so happy for you in you have found a path in life that brings you some serenity, also for you having found a therapist. Mine has been a wonderful help to me. I find the more I can be honest with & accepting of me, the more serene I feel.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

Link to comment

HI Delcina, 

finally being able to understand what is going on is indeed a relief.
I don't know about serenity yet, but it gives me a life instead of a semiconscious dead state. And that is already worth it.
Thank you for sharing of course.

The day slowly comes to an end...
I've done quite a lot today... Cleaned out that extra room so now i can use if for exercises.
Dumped a couple of chairs and a low table... all extra waste of space, never really used and completely mismatching.
And now i need to find a yoga or gym mat soon. 

For the rest i finished the front yard. It's now presentable again...
I do need to do more work on it but for the rest of my home has priority.

And now i'm in pain, my feet and legs are killing me.

I been about 40 times up and down the stairs and hauling heavy stuff to the dump.

Already took a shower but that didn't gave to much relief so it's nothing but vegging tonight.

Oh, i also put up a small sound system in that room so that  can hook up my phone for music.
Had to hang the speakers from the ceiling but it worked out nicely in the end.

Tired and feeling long forgotten muscles...  I guess it was not a bad day today.
Hopefully my body will listen to me tomorrow... There is more crap to throw away.

Now that i sit still, suddenly some thoughts are popping up again...
My mom still hasn't responded. I just checked my mail and messages but nothing.
I know it's only been a week since i told her... but...
Yea i'm not too optimistic tbh...

 

And... perhaps...   it's better this way.
No connections anywhere on this planet... i guess it gives me the choice of doing anything anywhere if i would want that.
Sigh...      I don't know anymore....
 

Link to comment

It sounds like you are feeling some intense and troublesome moments. I can relate to the complicated emotions, the confusion, the times when you can't figure out what to do and who you are, and feel paralyzed....the times you want to plunge ahead, and the times when you just wish you were already at the end result of looking & feeling who you want to be. I think as you read other people's stories, as I have been doing too....you will see that most of us go through all kinds of conflicting feelings and troubles.

 

I think our feelings, our emotions are real and true and there is nothing we can do about that....we feel what we do. It's when our thoughts come into play and we start judging and doubting, that we can get ourselves into spirals of negativity, self-doubt, self-hate....we lose our confidence and our drive to move forward momentarily. We start listening too much to those words of others that don't approve of us or don't want us to be happy or can't think in unconventional ways. We fear for our safety and acceptance. It makes it more difficult to feel our genuine feelings as they can get tangled up with negative thoughts.

 

From what I can see....you are moving forward. Trying things out, taking small risks, while getting your day-to-day stuff done and creating space for the future. It's important to pay attention to your feelings & get them out yet also not overthink & over analyze...and just let yourself have time to BE whoever, however & whatever you are.

 

I think while some people have a very strong vision & drive and know exactly what they want, all of us have to make course corrections along the way and even with our best visions, we can end up somewhere else than we pictured. But that can be OK. Some people have reported things turned out even better than their wildest dreams.

 

~Ariel

Link to comment

Good morning Ariel,

I have to say that your words touched me quite deeply. Thank you of course.
And everyone else who have helped me.... 
My apologies if my replies seems a bit short sometimes.
It's just.... well... I don't really know what else to say.
This acceptance from everyone...... It's  still quite overwhelming.


Another morning arrived.  Seems like it's going to be a nice day again.

When  i woke up this morning i was still slightly sore from all the cleaning yesterday.
And also quite tired. But that was because i was still awake deep in the night.

Last night somehow i was a bit emotional and wanted some distraction.
Grabbed my phone and swiped around a bit.
After a few moments i started the discord app to see if any conversations were going on.

At that moment someone was indeed typing in a channel but it was rather self-blaming and negative.
And the message was directly removed again after it was in the chat.
For a minute or 2 i was pondering if i should pm that person... She also helped me in the past with advice and stuff.
But yea she did remove the messages so perhaps i was intruding...
Anyways , i did talk to her. And she needed to vent a bit. 
In the end she seemed a bit more relaxed as she told me that she wanted to grab something to eat.

That whole episode also calmed me down a bit. Enough to get some sleep.

Sigh
Emotions...
Something i tried so long to ignore...
But... i can't stop them at the moment....
And it scares me a lot.

It means that i'm less protected ..... more open to be exploited...
Whatever happens i want those shields to remain strong... Keep myself protected...
...
I don't want to experience that again...
Someone i thought was one of my best friends...
Suddenly pinned down in a remote area.... unable to escape or even move ...

Yea i don't want anyone close....
I'm opening up to myself but my heart gets locked down tighter to others...
Always keeping a certain distance....unable to trust.... always thinking: "What will they do to me?"

ufff...
Sorry, i wasn't planning on writing about this so early in the morning...
It feels like i'm constantly living on an edge and that's why i'm getting emotional rather quickly nowadays.
i try to be calm distract and myself with things... and it even works to a certain extent.

However, finding this new balance of wanting to 'be myself' and 'protecting myself' is .... hard, confusing and terrifying....

 

Sometimes i wonder...
Wonder how it would be to feel .... safe.
Those moments.... make me emotional...

Yea i feel like a walking mess of emotions...
I lack the mental tools and skills or whatever to handle it calmly.
Or perhaps i'm just to far gone... Unable to trust anyone anymore...... It kinda feels like that anyways...

Self doubt and over analyzing...
I suppose i truly am guilty of doing that...
A least the self doubt bit... i'm still not sure about the over analyzing if i'm honest
First time in my life i actually feel like i'm honest to myself without any filters.
And i'm getting to know more of myself in a few months/weeks time than the last 25 years.

Perhaps there are better ways of how to cope with this.
But.... i can't ....  I only trust myself even with all of my self doubt...
 

Link to comment
7 hours ago, TiredAndScared said:

Perhaps there are better ways of how to cope with this.
But.... i can't ....  I only trust myself even with all of my self doubt...

hopefully your therapy session next week will help you. but you have a huge obstacle to face.....yourself. like a 'you' that is unknown. you have to find the 'you' and start living. you can do it! thank you. ?

Link to comment

Hi April and good morning,

Facing myself.... yea that will be a hard one... But i want to face it.
I f'ed up so much already...But you and everyone else here on the forums and chat give me a bit confidence to make steps.

A new day, and a tiny first step.

I have to go to the doctor today to give some blood and another test thingy i can't remember at the moment.
And i am not allowed to eat until the examination is over. (I had to stop eating from 00:00 last night)

It's kinda scary to go to it... I mean i have neglected my health for a long time    and medically my family history is not the greatest.
I'm scared that things will be found that will block me from hrt....

Ufff, i'm glad that i'm at least allowed to drink water and smoke. Oh, but i do wait with the weed even tho im tense as hell.
I don't want to mess up my blood values to much. 

Oh, i almost forgot to tell about last night.
I was just chilling in the chat a bit and was talking to people..
Someone convinced me to contact my closest lgbt group and i did write an email.
i mean i wanted to do that but i was .... overwhelmed with everything...
I still am if i'm honest...
But the logic to contact them was sound and convincing enough for me to take that step.
Of course i have not yet heard from them. It's barely 08:00am now so perhaps i will get a response later today.

Speaking of responses... Still nothing from my mom....
I'm beginning to think that perhaps i should simply give it up for my own sanity...
Almost 2 weeks now with no reaction....  
Not even a "sorry i can't accept this"  reaction...
Even tho she has seen me being miserable for such a long time...

Sigh....  i know i can't demand anything..... im just .... sad and angry about this.
i expected my mom to be more ,,,,accepting.
But the thought creeps into my mind:
"If she really was accepting, she would have contacted me the same or perhaps the next day to tell that it is ok"

Ugh,  i feel both paranoid and justified for thinking this.

Link to comment

The day is slowly ending.

I went to the doctor and everything went fine. 
Blood pressure perfect and the blood draw went without a problem.
The assistant was very skilled, only felt a tiny scratch and no bruises.
Now i have to wait for results. I have to call back next week on Thursday to hear them.

And i was very surprised about my blood pressure i have to say... Thought it would be trough the roof.

But i'm of course very pleased with that.

And i also waited in the afternoon on a call from the doctor to see what she found out this week...
Waited and waited and decided to have a quick look at my mail to see if i got a response from either my mom or that lbgt group that i emailed yesterday evening  (No on both)
But i noticed a mail from my doctor.
She explained that she could not find much even after contacting that university...
And proceeded to ask me if i could write all the questions that i have and she will try to find the solutions.

I made a list for her.... (That will teach her a bit for not calling ?)
Not that i know much but i do know what i want to do. And i simply explained everything about my plans to her.
I'm curious what her reply will be. 

Ah and something on a lighter note...
I went to grab some lunch around noon and walked to my village center.
Practiced on how to hold my elbows while walking how to walk in general... just simple things.. But i enjoyed it much.
Got something to eat and drink and went on to a supply store...
And got me some files and stuff for my nails... :)

Just simply basic maintenance but for the first time since my youth i did my complete nails including surface.
It's all nice and shiny now....

Did not do much cleaning in my house today tho...  i was kinda bummed out for the rest of the day...

Link to comment
3 hours ago, TiredAndScared said:

Ah and something on a lighter note...
I went to grab some lunch around noon and walked to my village center.
Practiced on how to hold my elbows while walking how to walk in general... just simple things.. But i enjoyed it much.
Got something to eat and drink and went on to a supply store...
And got me some files and stuff for my nails... :)

Just simply basic maintenance but for the first time since my youth i did my complete nails including surface.
It's all nice and shiny now....

yes. way to go. get out of the house and enjoy doing some fun stuff. do that more often and look around as you do and see the world around you. it's there for you to enjoy as much as possible. just simple things that are a big step towards you finding yourself. i am so happy to hear you say you enjoyed yourself. it will get better and better if you keep doing these simple things. thank you. ?

Link to comment
1 hour ago, April-Showers said:

get out of the house and enjoy doing some fun stuff. do that more often and look around as you do and see the world around you.

Yeah.   Getting out and about helps me too.  Even if it's not a big social thing, just seeing people on the street and in the shops helps.

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jandi said:

Yeah.   Getting out and about helps me too.  Even if it's not a big social thing, just seeing people on the street and in the shops helps.

there is so much life has to offer us if we just take advantage of it. as Rosalind Russell said in the movie Auntie Mame....."life is a banquet, but most damn fools are starving to death!" :) 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, April-Showers said:

."life is a banquet, but most damn fools are starving to death!"

actually she said 'poor' fools....not damn fools. sorry for the curse word. hope i don't get banned. lol  :)

Link to comment

Good morning April and Jandi.

Yea i try to do little things. Or at least what i can do within my means.

It's fun to do.
Today i kinda want to go to a shop and getting some exercise stuff. 
I found a yoga mat and jump rope for cheap. And perhaps i can find some other stuff over there.

And i got some other news i ave to tell.
Yesterday evening my mom called directly.
I looked at the phone and was wondering if i should pick it up... i left it for a few moments before i took it.

The conversation was....not what i hoped for.
But it also wasn't exactly negative...

She asked me if i need some groceries and stuff.... but asked nothing else.
Not how i was doing or anything.

It made me confused and even slightly angry.
But i know i can't force things.   I went to the discord server after that and was able to talk to someone.
She kinda let me notice what my mom is probably experiencing and to my shame i sortof never really thought about that.

So...  i did messaged her quite late yesterday evening.
Simply saying that if she has any question, i will try to answer it completely.
But i also asked if she wouldn't mind to do it on chat/messages for now or else i prolly wont be able to tell what i want to explain.
 

She did read the message but no reply yet.
Perhaps today she will try to ask things.... but....
I kinda think that she won't.
It's how she responded until now...
It's like she wants me to be ok but will not accept me for what i am.

Sigh.... yea i know.... she has every right to decide what she wants to do.
And again i'm not thinking of her situation. 

i guess i'm just to disappointed to be rational with this.

I finally know myself a bit more and i finally have something i really want.
And i really hope i will be able to talk about it with someone close irl.
But if no one wants...
I will go on with what i want to do. Nobody will take that away from me.  I won't allow it. 

Link to comment

Crap...
Mom slid down the stairs earlier and hurt her leg...
My brother called asking if i can help with everything....
Now i must go and see her irl.... 

Ugh, this is such a mess......

Link to comment
8 hours ago, TiredAndScared said:

It's like she wants me to be ok but will not accept me for what i am.

you laid quite a heavy load on your mom. and while it was good for you to do that because it needed to be done, she probably needs some time to digest it all. don't count her out on this. i'm sure she loves you and was just shocked to hear what you had to say. give her time and space. but keep in contact with her and keep the faith! thank you. :)

Link to comment

HI all,

 

That was a day in the hospital today.
Turns out she (my mom) has a broken ankle and has a cast now.
Unfortunately the fracture is funky and she has to get surgery in a week to get it fixed properly.

The universe always provides some practical jokes.... I wrote yesterday that i kinda don't want to see her atm.
And today i spend most of the day with her.

Talking about all kinds of small things and of course what is happening with her and informing the rest of the family.
Basically it was just as how it was...except for her ankle of course.  Nor mentioning anything else.

Perhaps i was a bit to hasty with my opinion yesterday and give her more time.
idk.

For now i have to see what i do for the rest of the day... almost 06:00pm and still have to fix dinner and do some groceries...
And no... we don't have those convenient 24/7 shops here.. everything closes at 08 or 09 pm and most shops also close 2 days per week.

I have to go now and do stuff.  Perhaps i write again later this evening or else tomorrow again.

Link to comment

I left quite a few things out of the last post about what happened today.

Of course all the stuff with my mom that i mentioned before.
(I texted her just before to ask if everything is ok... she told that she got also lots of help from others so for now she's fine)
But i also received some mails during the day.

First one was from my doctor. Telling  she's got a reply from her connections and welp... The waiting-list for an endo is 2 years at the uni she requesting information from.   So.. yea... that's a thing...
But it also included information on how they work and what things are required by law if i want to do HRT.
I guess i can use it at least to know some of the general rules here in my country.

The other mail i got was from a local LGBT group and replied to some of my questions.

They explained on how to get into contact with others and how they work.
And a a remark that the uni that my doctor is contacting, has currently actually a bad reputation.
Of course i mailed them back with the question if they know other solutions.
But i still need to wait for a reply. Guess it will be next week before i know more on that.

Another thing i did today was trying a bit of the diet i was thinking about.
Just a calorie limiting thing. I plan to try to limit my intake to around 1900~2000 calories per day.
Got around 1900 today and i feel just fine... took only a chicken salad, a slice of bread with chicken and some melon mix.
And all the fluids i wanted but 'limited' to water tee milk dairy and fruit-juices.
Not sure if it helps... But i guess it's can't do to much dmg.... 
Females averagely lose about 0,45Kg a week if they take 500 calories less a day.
I'm not sure how that translates to a male body but it should be fine imo.

 

Another small thing... I did my nails a bit yesterday. No polish or anything, just making it nice and shiny.
And i was all day close by my mom today.... she's bound to have seen that...
I was already planning on (semi) slowly doing small things in the open. 
Just gradually to also let others get used to the changes.
(also tidied a tiny bit of my eyebrows... just to make it well cared for but not (yet) shape changing.)
 

Oh and i also went out to get a yoga mat to do some daily stretching exercises.
Over 20 years of not doing a single sport... 
I feel like a damn log... i was quite agile in my gym days....
But even with my fat tummy i can still hold the bottom of my foot with stretched legs nowadays.
If i can regain at least a part of my flexibility i would already be very happy. Splits.... should be doable again with training.

So besides being in the hospital or on the road for the whole day.
I also had some other things that i simply couldn't leave out for today. I just had not much time earlier to write all this.
And i kinda do like to write about those things...

Anyways,  it's around 10:15pm here now.  i'm slowly unwinding while i write this.
The next few weeks should be interesting with my mom.
I guess i have to chauffeur a lot.. Not that i really mind that activity in itself.
However i do have to be quite limiting on myself with smoking weed.
Weirdly enough i always kept myself to a few rules in my life.... Perhaps my so called bottom line.
Like not being under influence while having a passenger while driving.
Or perhaps it's more simply  'just not hurting others nor create possible situations where that could happen'.
Anyways... weird tangent.

Ohhh i almost forgot to tell this...  
Very quickly we got some crutches for my mom this morning, so she had her hands always full...
Guess who got to carry her handbag everywhere? :)   Just hanged it over my shoulder and simply didn't care.
Yea people thought i was simply helping my mom...
But i was walking like i normal practice with my posture the whole day.. or at least tried to.
With my nice nails. And a handbag....
It was fun :).

Link to comment

A new day and back to the dull gray skies..

This morning was quite different than a normal Saturday.

I went out to do groceries for my mom. She goes to all sort of places to get her stuff and now i had to go there.
Everything went just fine of course. I got some smoothy as breakfast while i was out.
And i got a fair bit of walking for today already.

Something weird tho... when i was with my mom this morning....
I was over her place to get the shopping list and her bonus cards for everything.
And then she proceeded to give me all her bags and a rather feminine wallet. (Not her own but a different one just for the groceries) And the straw carry bags weren't also exactly neutral..

I don't know if it's just coincidence and it was just more easy to do that.
Or perhaps i just want it to be more than it really is.
It's kinda hard to believe she would that on purpose....
But i took it and used it everywhere, not caring anymore what anybody would think...

And i guess it's my imagination but ... yea more people seemed to talk to me out of nowhere today.
Kinda weird and i'm not really used to that.

 

Anyway, i have to go in a bit and help my mom with getting her laundry from the line.
I put it up this morning and it should be dry by now... and it seems like it will rain later on.

Not to much to tell for now as i'm still kinda tired from the hospital yesterday.
And i don't have any plans for today but perhaps i will go on with cleaning a bit.
Oh... my own laundry... crap... almost forgot that.
Sigh.... damn you chores .. you win again...

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 119 Guests (See full list)

    • MaybeRob
    • VickySGV
    • AllieJ
    • Abigail Genevieve
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,029
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Selkimur
    Newest Member
    Selkimur
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Anyatimenow
      Anyatimenow
      (23 years old)
    2. Aria00
      Aria00
    3. Ava B.
      Ava B.
      (24 years old)
    4. Claire Heshi
      Claire Heshi
    5. CrystalMatthews0426
      CrystalMatthews0426
      (41 years old)
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      I have read numerous accounts of trans folk no longer being welcome among evangelicals.   I am here for help and fellowship not to rebuke anyone.  I can take a pretty high degree of insult, etc., and you haven't insulted me, to my recollection anyway :) and I usually let it go.  But I thought I would let it all out there.   I am sure I disagree with you on numerous issues.  I appreciate other people's viewpoints, including those who radically disagree with me.  Intellectual challenge is good. One thing I appreciate about @MaeBe.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Congrats!
    • Sally Stone
      Post 8 “The Ohio Years” We moved to Pittsburgh because of the job with US Airways.  The job involved classroom instruction and simulator training, but no actual flying, so I kept looking for an actual pilot position.  A year after signing on with US Airways I got hired to fly business jets.  The company was located in Cleveland, Ohio, but I was flown commercially from my home in Pittsburgh to where my aircraft was located, making it unnecessary to live near company headquarters.    My flight scheduled consisted of eight days on duty with seven days off.  Having seven days off in a row was great but being gone from home eight days in a row was difficult.  For the first few years the flying was fun, but after a while the eight flying days in a row, were taking their toll on me.  Those days were brutal, consisting of very long hours and a lot of flying time.  Usually, I came home exhausted and need three days just to recover from the work week.  Flying for a living is glamorous until you actually do it.  Quickly, it became just a job.    After five years as a line captain, I became a flight department manager, which required we live near company headquarters.  That meant a move to Cleveland.  Working in the office meant I was home every night but as a manager, the schedule was still challenging.  I would work in the office all week and then be expected to go out and fly the line on weekends.  I referred to it as my “5 on 2 on” schedule, because it felt as though I had no time off at all.   About the same time, we moved to Cleveland, my wife and I became “empty nesters,” with one son in the military and the other away at college.  Sadly, my work schedule didn’t leave much time for Sally.  Add to the fact that while Cleveland is an awesome city, I just never felt comfortable expressing my feminine side.  Most of my outings, and believe me there weren’t enough, occurred while I was on vacation and away from home.   One of the most memorable outings occurred over a long weekend.  I had stumbled across an online notice for a spring formal being held in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, hosted by a local trans group there.  I reached out to Willa to see if she was up for an excellent adventure.  She was, so I picked her up and we drove to Harrisburg together.    The formal was held on Saturday evening and we had the absolute best time.  It turned out that organizers were a group named TransCentralPA.  Everyone was wonderful and I made a lot of new friends that evening.  We learned the spring formal was one of the group’s annual events but for the following year, instead of a spring formal, the group wanted to do a local transgender conference.  That local conference would become the Keystone Conference, and I would attend every year for the next 12.  My move to the west coast was the only reason I stopped attending annually.  I went to the first annual Keystone Conference as an attendee, but in subsequent years I served as a volunteer and as a workshop presenter; more about those in the next installment.   For my Cleveland years, the Keystone Conference would be my major outlet for feminine self-expression.  Yes, I did get out on other occasions, but they were too infrequent.  The managerial job just didn’t allow me the freedom I needed to adequately live my feminine life, and my frustration level was slowly, but steadily on the rise.  It amazed me how adversely not being able to express the feminine half of my personality was affecting my happiness.   However, a major life change was upcoming, and while it would prove to be a significant challenge in many ways, the events would ultimately benefit my female persona.  First, my mom and dad got sick.  They were in and out of the hospital and required personal care.  My wife and I did our best but living in Cleveland, we were too far from them to give them the support they both needed.  Second, I was experiencing serious job burn out.  I decided I need to find another job and I needed to be closer to my parents.    Things changed for the better when I got hired by an aviation training company as a flight simulator instructor.  I would be training business jet pilots.  The training facility was located in New Jersey, which put us much closer to my parents, and the work schedule was much better for quality of life.  Most importantly, this life change would help Sally re-emerge and once again flower.    Hugs,   Sally       
    • Mmindy
      I made a living talking about bulk liquids in cargo tanks transportation as a driver and mechanic. Safe loading/unloading, cleaning and inspecting, as well as emergency response scenarios.   Hazmat and fire behavior in the fire service as well as emergency vehicle operations and safe driving. "It was on fire when they called you. It will be on fire when you get there." Arrive ready to work. I could also talk about firefighter behavioral  heath and the grieving process.   The real fun thing is I can do this for people who are not Truck Drivers or Fire Fighters. Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Citizen Tax payers about Public Safety Education.   I love public speaking,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Congratulations to the mom and family @Ivy on the addition of another child.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      Congrats to you and yours!
    • Ashley0616
      YAY! Congratulations on a granddaughter!
    • Ashley0616
      I recommend CarComplaints.com | Car Problems, Car Complaints, & Repair/Recall Information. A lot of good information
    • LucyF
      I've got Spironolactone ___mg and Evorel ___mcg Patches (2 a week) going up to ___mg after 4 weeks 
    • Ivy
      Got a new Granddaughter this morning.  Mother and child (and father) are doing fine. This makes 7 granddaughters and one grandson.  I have 2 sons and 6 daughters myself.  And then I  switched teams.  I think this stuff runs in the family. Another hard day for the patriarchy.
    • Ivy
      Like @MaeBe pointed out, Trump won't do these things personally.  I doubt that he actually gives a rat's a$$ himself.  But he is the foot in the door for the others.   I don't really see this.  Personally, I am all in favor of "traditional" families.  I raised my own kids this way and it can work fine.  But I think we need to allow for other variations as well.   One thing working against this now is how hard it is for a single breadwinner to support a family.  Many people (I know some) would prefer "traditional" if they could actually afford it.  Like I mentioned, we raised our family with this model, but we were always right at the poverty level.   I was a "conservative evangelical" for most of my life, actually.  So I do understand this.  Admittedly, I no longer consider myself one. I have family members still in this camp.  Some tolerate me, one actually rejects me.  I assure you the rejection is on her side, not mine.  But, I understand she believes what she is doing is right - 'sa pity though. I mean no insult toward anyone on this forum.  You're free to disagree with me.  Many people do.   This is a pretty complex one.  Socialism takes many forms, many of which we accept without even realizing it.  "Classism" does exist, for what it's worth.  Always has, probably always will.  But I don't feel like that is a subject for this forum.   As for the election, it's shaping up to be another one of those "hold your nose" deals.
    • Ivy
      Just some exerts regarding subjects of interest to me.
    • Ivy
      Yeah.  In my early teens I trained myself out of a few things that I now wish I hadn't.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I was thinking in particular of BLM, who years ago had a 'What We Believe' section that sounded like they were at war with the nuclear family.   I tried to find it. Nope.  Of interest https://www.politifact.com/article/2020/aug/28/ask-politifact-does-black-lives-matter-aim-destroy/   My time is limited and I will try to answer as I can.
    • Ivy
      Well, I suppose it is possible that they don't actually plan on doing what they say.  I'm not too sure I want to take that chance.  But I kinda expect to find out.  Yet, perhaps you're right and it's all just talk.  And anyway, my state GOP is giving me enough to worry about anyway. I remember a time when being "woke" just meant you were paying attention.  Now it means you are the antichrist. I just don't want the government "protecting" me from my personal "delusions."
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...