Feeling good until now

[Michellle]

After being on hormones for a year and a half I decided to come out to my parents. When I first told my mom she was actually kinda supportive. She told me she didn’t understand but accepted me. 
  The next day she called me and said the whole family is devastated and couldn’t believe I didn’t tell them earlier……so they can get me “help”. They said they never had a clue I was the slightest bit Feminine and when I said I had these feelings since I was young, they totally invalidated  my feelings.

Now they want me to talk to their priest and they are worried about health issues with the hormones and 

Future relationships.

   I was feeling really good about myself up until this point. Now I am starting to second guess my decision .and guilt and resentment are setting in. I know this was a major shock to them but we are a very close family and I feel like I just ruined it all.

 

Michele

[Astrid]

First, hugs at a difficult time for you.  Family is indeed important -- but so are you.  It sounds like your mom may have initially been more supportive -- until she checked in with others, and then the pressure to conform with others' views kicked in.  "Group think" is, by nature, hard to resist for many...i.e., "if others are thinking that way, I should probably be, too."  

 

If you've not yet worked with an experienced gender therapist, now may be a good time to consider it.  If you haven't yet

had a chance to check in with any local trans support groups (either live, or Zoom meetings), it could be helpful as well, for many others have been in similar situations and can offer insight and support.

 

And TransPulse -- well, you know you have our support.  Please reach out as you feel comfortable.

 

Astrid

[DonkeySocks]

2 hours ago, Astrid said:

It sounds like your mom may have initially been more supportive -- until she checked in with others, and then the pressure to conform with others' views kicked in.  "Group think" is, by nature, hard to resist for many...i.e., "if others are thinking that way, I should probably be, too."  

Yes, this.

 

Also... I don't know if there are any patterns in your interactions with your family that would make this advisable, but if it were one of my relatives in particular, I've learned that the wisest choice is to check with other members of "the whole family" one on one and find out how they think the conversation went. If it were my relative, there might be more acceptance to my face, and less when I'm not there, and there ends up being an attempt at controlling others' emotions and relationships.

 

Then again, maybe your mother said what she meant at the time, and her ability to accept the situation is fluctuating. That's okay if so, let her deal with it and adjust. But yeah, otherwise, what Astrid said. Pressure.

 

I think you should still feel good about yourself, for coming out! That is courageous.

[DonkeySocks]

3 hours ago, Michellle said:

Now I am starting to second guess my decision .and guilt and resentment are setting in. I know this was a major shock to them but we are a very close family and I feel like I just ruined it all.

Also... you can't ruin it all by yourself. If there's any closeness-ruining going on, it's happening on both sides. As for their fears, some of them are maybe valid but currently pointless: future relationships? As in with people you haven't met yet? Not even on the table during a coming-out discussion. And as for the health risks, that's something you can explain to them if they actually want to listen and aren't just using it as an outrage tactic. You can explain what kind of risk you are taking and why it's been worth it to you. If they really, truly, are concerned, then they will want to hear you explain, or have you give them a printout or whatever. Otherwise it's just them adjusting to the emotions of the change in how they view you. You have nothing to be guilty for!

[Susan R]

Hello Michelle, I am so sorry you experienced pull back after coming out to family. I can relate as it happened to me with family to a lighter degree and I had it happen with two friends also.

 

First, Don’t let this deter your journey. Yes, it’s a setback but you will undoubtedly experience a few setbacks on a journey of this magnitude. They may come around in time so I want to let you know it’s not the end of the road by any measure.

 

Second, You can not pray this away. I tried it with my pastor at a well established non-denominational church back in 1987. The prayer team prayed and prayed and I believed it would “cure” me. It did not. This, as you know, would be like trying to pray away being an introvert or liking a favorite desert. It’s just a core part of your personality. Your family is obviously not aware of this in a way that allows them to see where you’re coming from.

 

Lastly, This life is your journey. It’s yours to come to terms with through knowledge and experience over time. They didn’t see this in you early in your life because you probably, like me, didn’t want or know how to express it earlier in life and you knew they wouldn’t be able to help you. On that not I agree with @Astrid as a therapist would help you get through to them.

 

5 hours ago, Michellle said:

The next day she called me and said the whole family is devastated and couldn’t believe I didn’t tell them earlier……so they can get me “help”.

Both Astrid and DonkeySocks are probably correct that this is a typical group think conformity that kicked in after the fact. I experienced this too and I was just as surprised as you when people I trusted did a 180° a few days later. I told everything to one very good friend (while presenting as my old persona) and got an overwhelming and positive response. The weight had finally been lifted that day. I never thought she would accept me as Susan but when she left my home, she absolutely did. A few days later, I was gardening and she noticed me presenting as Susan outside for the first time. She turned around mid-step when she saw it was me and we never talked again for a year. Now just another year later…we are cordial to each other...not as close as we were before I came out but now we at least talk.

 

There’s hope for everyone given time, knowledge, patience and an open line of communication. You’ll have to work a little harder with those who don’t understand you but always try to get them good information about what it means to be transgender and keeping the communication open by being the calm one during discussions.

 

I wish you the best in getting over this difficult part of your journey. You can do it though.

 

*Hugs*

Susan R?

 

[Michellle]

9 hours ago, Susan R said:

Hello Michelle, I am so sorry you experienced pull back after coming out to family. I can relate as it happened to me with family to a lighter degree and I had it happen with two friends also.

 

First, Don’t let this deter your journey. Yes, it’s a setback but you will undoubtedly experience a few setbacks on a journey of this magnitude. They may come around in time so I want to let you know it’s not the end of the road by any measure.

 

Second, You can not pray this away. I tried it with my pastor at a well established non-denominational church back in 1987. The prayer team prayed and prayed and I believed it would “cure” me. It did not. This, as you know, would be like trying to pray away being an introvert or liking a favorite desert. It’s just a core part of your personality. Your family is obviously not aware of this in a way that allows them to see where you’re coming from.

 

Lastly, This life is your journey. It’s yours to come to terms with through knowledge and experience over time. They didn’t see this in you early in your life because you probably, like me, didn’t want or know how to express it earlier in life and you knew they wouldn’t be able to help you. On that not I agree with @Astrid as a therapist would help you get through to them.

 

Both Astrid and DonkeySocks are probably correct that this is a typical group think conformity that kicked in after the fact. I experienced this too and I was just as surprised as you when people I trusted did a 180° a few days later. I told everything to one very good friend (while presenting as my old persona) and got an overwhelming and positive response. The weight had finally been lifted that day. I never thought she would accept me as Susan but when she left my home, she absolutely did. A few days later, I was gardening and she noticed me presenting as Susan outside for the first time. She turned around mid-step when she saw it was me and we never talked again for a year. Now just another year later…we are cordial to each other...not as close as we were before I came out but now we at least talk.

 

There’s hope for everyone given time, knowledge, patience and an open line of communication. You’ll have to work a little harder with those who don’t understand you but always try to get them good information about what it means to be transgender and keeping the communication open by being the calm one during discussions.

 

I wish you the best in getting over this difficult part of your journey. You can do it though.

 

*Hugs*

Susan R?

Thank you so much for the support.  I can definitely see the group think from my dad and younger brother influencing my moms decision to jump on board. On a positive note my older brother is supportive of me, as a matter of fact he has a lot of the same feelings I do. I wish I new earlier!  Although he does not agree with me being on the hormones… At least I can look forward in presenting in front of him and his family with no issues.

 

Michele