Is it role-playing or mental disorder?

[delevi]

Hi.

 

I'm 24 and I'm from Poland. I'm quite divided now and I'm not sure who am I, who I want to be and what should I do. I'm a man, but I feel like I want to be a woman, but not quite? It's hard to describe. I always wanted to try to be a woman since kid, but I didn't do anything to try. It changed when I moved from my parents, I started to live alone, different city, work, school, no friends - and a lot of free time. I'm addicted to porn since 10yo to this day, so when I started to live alone, had a lot of free time - you can imagine how often I did "that" thing daily.

Then I tried to do an adult webcam. I had money, I had time, so I bought women's clothes online and started doing webcams just to try it. I created a character, a nice girl. I was wearing nice heels, dresses, underwear, wig. You could see a nice girl in a man's body there, but I didn't do it for money or sex-stuff. Well... Kind of... I felt pleasure by doing sex-stuff, but also from "being" a woman. I felt pleasure by fooling guys to think that I'm a woman? Something like that. And I was good at it. Earned 2000$ in a week, got 6000 followers. But I had depression and panic attacks then, so it went quite fast from pleasure to mental breakdown.

 

So I stopped. But now... I miss it? Hard to say. I met girl online, and boom - we're together for 2 years now. She knows that I did webcams, she knows that I like dressing up like a woman. She is supportive, but she doesn't quite understand it, neither do I, so I can have like a heels and dresses hidden somewhere in the boxes and can wear them when she's not at home.

 

If I could choose to be a 100% woman, I'd choose that, with no doubts. But I'm a man, got a girl and I feel good. I want to be a man, but I want to be a woman sometimes too. So who am I? Do I have both man and woman mind? Do I have two personalities? I treat it something like being an actor - "When I change to woman, am I good at this role? Am I feminine enough so the people would believe that I'm one?".

I did everything at home, but recently, I want to try to go out public. I've got all clothes required (heels, dress, wig). I want to learn make-up and try to learn how to change my voice. But it's not online - people can see me close, from all angles. I'm 185cm. Add heels to that, 2 meter girl? Can I be as good in this role as I think? My plan is to drive to mall, go through stores, act like a girl - try some clothes, go to shoe store (try heels - I love heels, got a fetish for them), go to woman's bathroom! I want to feel being a woman and when I think about entering that bathroom - I just feel thrill... I'm not a creep, don't worry, I want just enter and sit there, but I'm not sure if it's right thing to do anyway...

 

I do have something with that "woman-side" of mine. I always pick "woman" as character in games, I draw women in art. I want to dress up like a woman you can meet at the street, in the shop or restaurant, that you won't be thinking if she's a man. That thrills me, but it also thrills me sexually. In my mind I'd have sex with my "woman-self" and here are my concerns - isn't everything because of that porn addiction?

I moved in porn from just looking, through striptease, all kind of sex, orgies, roleplays, dps, hardcores and so on, so nothing can give me dopamine anymore - only going higher - like "being" a woman in public. Can it be? I love women, theirs clothes, their style, etc., but it's often connected with sexual thoughts too :/

 

It's hard to write my whole life's story, also probably noone would want to read that few-page-book, so If you've got any question - ask freely, I'm a open book here. I just want to ask if maybe someone had something similar?

 

***
- I don't think about changing my physical gender. Again - it's thrilling in sexual aspect - but I don't see my future as physical girl

- Had normal childhood, normal family, no sexual abuse and so on

- I love being someone else (ex. woman) - maybe it's mental disorder? Or maybe I just love fooling people?

- Should I go out public? Maybe just once? Just to try it? Do you think it's a good idea?

 

Thanks for listening and eventually replies

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, Delevi, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  After reading your story, I'll be honest; I'm not sure how much you'll get out of this site.  Much of your behavior centers around self pleasure, sex, on line role play and making money from it.  That isn't what the vast majority of our members are into or have experience with.

 

In Western countries there are therapists who specialize in gender issues; how many of them there are in Poland I don't know.  But if there are some, I suggest you seek one out because I think you will benefit from talking with an experienced person.  They might be able to help you make sense out of your feelings, desires and actions.

 

If you haven't already read the site "Community" rules, I suggest you do so.  The discussions that flow from your experiences could easily run afoul of those rules, and I wouldn't want that to happen.  We will answer your questions and try to help you however we can, but yours is an atypical lifestyle and an atypical background.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

There was a time when that thrill you describe was part of my life.  I both loved it and found it disturbing.  Over time i didn't want to be alone anymore.  I wanted to find acceptance of the part of me that felt female not to hide alone or even meet others in a virtual online world.  Years ago as the web started all i could find about transgender people (never called transgender then) was pornographic in nature.  I saw that as theater and i wanted life.  Over time i learned i could exist outside in the world and over time all the "thrill" disappeared and peace took it's place.

This site where i could share my journey, fears, and adventures with others who understood has helped me.  If it had been porn related i doubt i would have stayed.  We try to keep this space such that a child's parent, a sister or wife can begin to accept and find understanding. 

Welcome Delevi.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Susan R]

 

Hello @delevi, Nice to meet you. I’m glad you found us and reached out. I agree with what has been already stated here. I think Carolyn Marie and Charlize have made some very good points and observations.

 

5 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

I suggest you seek one out because I think you will benefit from talking with an experienced person.  They might be able to help you make sense out of your feelings, desires and actions.

 

5 hours ago, Charlize said:

Years ago as the web started all i could find about transgender people (never called transgender then) was pornographic in nature.  I saw that as theater and i wanted life.  Over time i learned i could exist outside in the world and over time all the "thrill" disappeared and peace took it's place.

 

The increasing need for more and more dopamine sounds more related to fetishism, imho. Are these fantasies the only thing driving this strong desire to present female and experience a female role for yourself or is it something more? Is it just another step higher on the fantasy ladder?

 

What a good therapist can help you with is sorting out what it is you need for yourself and even why. When I went through some of the experiences with fantasy while crossdressing at early puberty, I didn’t know what was happening really. There was no one to ask, no web, and therapists back then were rarely specialized in gender related issues. Today, you have a few more options in regards to support. Therapy might help you with questions like…Is it a temporary thing or does it go much deeper to your core? Is it a fixation on all things taboo or are these actions a symptom of denial and suppression of your authentic self throughout your life?

 

As well as finding a good therapist to research these questions, you might try working slowly toward and eventually living the role socially as you have mentioned in your post. See if the desire for the feminine changes for you in time as it did for me in my early adulthood. You might find it’s not for you at all or maybe just some of the time. There are members here that enjoy presenting and living their respective gender roles on a part time basis. It works for them just fine. On the other hand, you may find it’s been what you’ve been missing your entire life….to live more authentically as yourself somewhere along the gender spectrum.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

[Betty K]

Hi @delevi, nice to meet you. I feel as if you and I have some things in common but it’s late night in Australia and I need to sleep. I will try to remember to get in touch, but if I forget please feel free to private message me since these kinds of discussions are not suitable to go into in depth in the public forum. I will say this though: I feel sorry for you starting with porn at age 10, since that must surely have added to your confusion.

 

Hope to write more soon. X Betty

[Beatriz]

Hi @delevi, nice to meet you.

Not a lot to add; Carolyn Marie, Charlize and Susan have made excellent points.

The relation between gender, sex and porn can be confusing. Sometimes the thrills are just thrills; sometimes they mask truths about ourselves that we are not ready to accept.

Reading your statements and questions, I think a gender therapist would help you a lot in figuring things out. It's a great feeling to know yourself better, no matter where on the gender spectrum you end up after the exploration.

Best wishes!