Anxiety attack last night

[Vidanjali]

Hi all. Last night I woke up in a full blown anxiety attack. I had been asleep. I don't recall dreaming prior to waking up. I cried a lot. I feel like crying today. I sure could use a boost. Here's some context. I sing in a church choir. Singing has always been a passion of mine, but also emotionally challenging what with all the deep breathing - you have to make yourself vulnerable to sing in front of others. The folks in the choir - I've known many of them for about six years because we sang in a different choir together. Church can be a trigger for me because I was raised with a very dark and terrifying version of religion - I used to routinely have panic attacks in church. The church where I sing now is very nice. They are also "progressive" and the leaders are activists for social justice. Just yesterday the pastor gave a sermon on the prophet Isaiah who proclaimed that the sexually and gender diverse are dear to the Lord. Only one person in the choir knows I identify as queer. There are several gay men in choir. I have evidence that I am loved by friends in the choir. Yet, every week I struggle with major social anxiety going to rehearsal and church service. I keep going because I believe it's good for me to be social, it's a group of kind people, and I need to actively challenge the tendency to anxiety. When I'm there, I often feel hypomanic. My behavior may be too geared towards attention seeking. Meanwhile, the struggle with dysphoria plays in: What do I look like? How do others perceive me? Now that I'm giving up many feminine affectations and expressing my appearance as more androgynous/male, will they think I'm weird and reject me? Do they see me as female and not even notice any difference? Why is it so important to me? Yesterday afternoon, the Dara Hoffman-Fox book "You and your Gender Identity, A Guide to Discovery" arrived in the mail. (A million thanks for the recommendation @Delcina B, and I believe you mentioned @Shay recommended it to you, so a million thanks to you too.) It is excellent so far. I was working on the first activity and was writing a description of myself. My husband came home with groceries as I was about to begin describing my personality, so I stopped to help him. My mind was contemplating how I would describe my personality. I think that played into the anxiety without my having realized it because I was still decompressing from the Sunday social anxiety. What is this personality? At the very least, I always mean well. I wish I could be more content and truly confident. That is, when I witness myself in that hypomanic state, looking to make jokes and be outrageous, I kinda hate myself and then I feel bad for being so mean to myself - it's a vicious cycle. Another thing I'm realizing is that of all the folks at choir, it's my gay male friends I feel the most anxiety about. I'm realizing that my zeal to "fit in" is more about identifying with them as gay men, rather than any sort of...like, wanting to be popular or some such. I don't want a male body. I don't really want overt characteristics at all. I just feel more like them somehow. They'll never see me that way, though. After I woke up in anxiety last night, paced, hugged puppies, drank water, talked with husband, cried and wailed a lot, I fell back asleep. I had a dream that one of my gay male friends took me to a place after church. The place was dense with various activities. It seemed dangerous and chaotic, but he was a gentle host and I realized the place was benign. Anything could happen there, but nothing was threatening. He said, I'm going to show you that there's nothing about me to really be attracted to. Somehow the perspective changed, and I saw him and everything else as a two-dimensional ribbon twisting through a higher-dimensional space. There were holes here and there in the ribbon; there were holes in him. It seemed confirmation that the personality is not the be all end all. On waking up this morning, I feel depressed and strung out from the panic and crying. Here I am in relative life. I desire peace of mind and equanimity. I'll continue working on the Dara book. Evidently, it is challenging which is good. I don't back down from challenges to progress. Thanks for listening. I just need some support today. Much love. 

[KathyLauren]

Sorry to hear about your panic attack.

 

I have never had a real panic attack, but I think all of us can relate to the source of your anxiety.  "How are people going to relate to me?" is one of the biggest fears for everyone, prior to coming out.

 

It certainly sounds like you picked the right church.  If the members believe as the pastor teaches, if might be one of the safest places to come out.

 

Do you have a therapist that you can talk to?  I think it would be helpful to do so to work on the anxiety and panic.

[Heather Shay]

Panic Attacks are extremely painful. I've had them and they are nothing to let go untreated. Therapist can help work through the issues causing it.

 

@Vidanjali I'm glad you got Dara Huffman-Fox's book. IT really helped me sort through me and my life and guide me. I've had panic attacks and know of the pain but got that treated and therapy helped. Discuss with your therapist and if you don't have one, even if you can't get in to a gender specialist (which I highly recommend) then any therapist can at least help relieve the pain. 

 

[Vidanjali]

I'm doing better as the day has progressed. I've been focusing on self care. I made myself a fortifying breakfast, did some aerobic exercise, and meditated a bit (although I had trouble focusing because I'm feeling tired). Later, I got a couple errands taken care of. (I'm an educator and I'm off for the summer - so, I mercifully have much free time right now.)

 

Thanks, @KathyLauren, for the sympathy and encouragement. Besides choir, I am part of two other groups in the church, one LGBT+ ally group, and an anti-racism group. The pastor leads the latter and so I've been interacting with him more recently. I was thinking of asking to meet with him confidentially to tell him about myself; I just thought I might feel better knowing he knows me. He is an earnest and loving person. (It's funny - I've never considered myself a "churchy" person, but evidently I'm rather involved in this one. Go figure.)

 

Thanks, @Shay. I appreciate the support. I'm sorry you went through that too, and glad you found help and relief. I used to get frequent extremely severe panic attacks which sometimes required hospitalization. With years of therapy and spiritual aspiration, I've come a long way, but nonetheless, I want to be free of that pain; I want to believe it's possible. I'm very impressed by the book so far. I had no idea what to expect, and I'm quickly realizing the practice will be more meaningful with the help of a therapist. I called a gender therapist in my insurance network today and left a message.