Questioning my gender identity & doubts

[AG1025]

 

So I’ve only begun seriously questioning my gender identity within the past month though it has come up briefly in several occasions throughout my life. I think that I may be a trans man (ftm), but I have certain doubts that sometimes hold me back.

 

If I look back to my childhood, I’d say there were many clear signs that may indicate that I could be trans. For example, I used to reject all girly toys/gifts (I despised the colour pink), I wished to have “boy clothes”, I always took the male role in imaginary play/online games, I made sure that all of my stuffed animals were boys (because that’s what I wanted to be), etc. Although all of this could simply indicate my preferences or my “tomboy” personality, I do remember wishing and even saying out loud that “I want to be a boy”.

 

As I grew older, these thoughts did not completely leave me but I definitely felt more pressure to express myself as feminine (although it never really happened), mostly because of my church (where I hated but was forced to wear a dress every week) and a few family members. Still though, I often had moments of wishing I were a boy, sometimes even researching “the advantages of being a girl” in order to find reasons to be somewhat happy with my birth gender. I sometimes find myself thinking that men are attractive, but not often in a romantic sense but rather in the sense that I want be them or look like them (if that makes any sense...).

 

I’ve always been insecure and socially anxious, so I’ve often been uncomfortable in certain situations which have affected my identity in general. For example, I get nervous when looking through the men’s section  in clothing stores because “I am a girl” and I feel like others are judging me. Other times, because I present as very boy-ish, I get gendered as male by others (he/him pronouns) which often used to make me uncomfortable because “I’m supposed to be a girl” and to that, my mom would always respond “that’s why you need to be more feminine”. I am only bringing this up since it is part of my doubts, mostly because I used to be somewhat uncomfortable being gendered as a boy. However, this could have been caused by my denial or a possible suppression of my identity (if that makes any sense). I haven’t been in such situations within the past month when I really became open to the possibility of being trans though, so I’m not sure if I might now be more comfortable and open-minded in a scenario which would make others perceive me as a boy.

 

One of the main reasons I’ve recently began to question my gender identity in a serious manner is because I’ve discovered some trans creators on YouTube and have thought “what if I’m like them?”. Although following their stories has really helped with my own journey and discovery, I still find myself occasionally  thinking “what if I think I’m trans because I’m surrounding myself with others who are trans?”. I don’t think this is “just a phase” for me because it definitely is a serious topic and others have struggled with similar situations, but I do have past habits of getting extremely hooked on certain ideas and then loosing interest after awhile. I suppose for this, I’ll just have to continue discovering myself over the next while to see how everything develops, etc.

 

The final thing I want to share is related to dysphoria, and I’m sure that many can possibly relate (since I’ve seen others share about this topic on different websites, etc.). Basically, I sometimes don’t think that I have “enough” dysphoria to actually be trans. Personally, I think I’d say that I have mild to medium (depending on the day) gender dysphoria (both physically and socially). However, I occasionally convince myself that I’m trying to “force it” in order to affirm my trans identity and other times I don’t think it’s “severe enough” to actually make me trans. I just thought I’d share this since it’s one of my biggest doubts (regarding whether or not I’m actually trans) and I thought that getting some advice on this might help significantly with my journey and affirmation.

 

To conclude, I really do want to be a boy, but I still have a few doubts holding me back. Basically, my dilemma is “am I trans enough?” and although I know that I will have to continue to explore my identity over time, any advice would be very much appreciated:)

 

Thanks,

 

- AL

 

 

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, AG1025 said:

I sometimes find myself thinking that men are attractive, but not often in a romantic sense but rather in the sense that I want be them or look like them (if that makes any sense...).

I know this is pretty common for those of us of a MtF persuasion.  So, I guess it would go both ways.

 

Take your time figuring things out.

[Lee H]

Hi AL

I can sooo relate. Swap the genders, and this tells my story. For me, it's MtF, but I wonder if that's at all relevant. I think you have one important advantage, though. I've spent a lifetime presenting as male and most of the time thinking that way. I never thought twice about a woman shopping in the men's section or store. My assumption always has been, "She's buying clothes for her husband/child." However, a man sniffing around the ladies' side, especially around the frilly racks, I think looks out of place.

So I'd say, "shop away." [So would your local department store.]

You said,

On 7/24/2021 at 8:40 AM, AG1025 said:

Basically, I sometimes don’t think that I have “enough” dysphoria to actually be trans. Personally, I think I’d say that I have mild to medium (depending on the day) gender dysphoria (both physically and socially). However, I occasionally convince myself that I’m trying to “force it” in order to affirm my trans identity and other times I don’t think it’s “severe enough” to actually make me trans. I just thought I’d share this since it’s one of my biggest doubts (regarding whether or not I’m actually trans) and I thought that getting some advice on this might help significantly with my journey and affirmation.

 

Me too. For me, letting my girl out to play freely and for days at a time started with the Covid lockdown. I live alone, and I wouldn't be going anywhere, so why not just present myself to the mirror dressed the way I feel? Almost always female, but baggy, as in a woman wearing a man's baggy clothes.

 

That's when the dysphoria hits me. For that old fat guy ever to pass as an woman of any age seems impossible. I've always assumed it would be easier the other way around, FtM, but I don't know what you know. I don't want to walk around in a housecoat, and I try to have some semblance of a style, but the mirror is not kind. When I fix my hair, or put on lipstick and a little make up, I focus only on the part I'm working on. The whole picture is such a total bummer.

 

Some days, I feel much more feminine -- other days, less fem, more masculine. I'm trying to understand "gender fluid." So I really don't know where my head is -- who is the "self" in self acceptance?

 

So, it's just "a journey whose destination can be perceived only dimly."

But we're not dim witted.

 

~~Big hello hug, from Lee~~

 

On 7/24/2021 at 8:40 AM, AG1025 said:

 

 

[KathyLauren]

Hi, AL.  Welcome to Trans Pulse.

 

There is no such thing as "trans enough".  If you are even a little bit trans, you are trans.  There is no such thing as "enough dysphoria".  If you have even a little bit, you have it.

 

On 7/24/2021 at 12:40 PM, AG1025 said:

 

I sometimes find myself thinking that men are attractive, but not often in a romantic sense but rather in the sense that I want be them or look like them (if that makes any sense...).

 

 

I know that many of us on the MTF side of the fence can relate to this.  I certainly can.  When I saw a pretty woman, I didn't just want to be with her, I wanted to be her.

 

Since you asked for advice, I will offer mine.  Find a good gender therapist and talk to them.  It will really help you resolve your doubts.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Delcina B]

@AG1025 Welcome Al! As I was reading, I kept saying,"me too." Other than the gender I felt & thought much of the same way. As I began not hating how I really felt &  questioning why I did, I found this forum with a lot of loving support & advice from people who accepted me whatever my gender identity was. I'm now seeing a gender therapist who has been very helpful. While I was waiting to see her I started reading a couple gender identity workbooks recommended here: My New Gender Workbook by Kate Bornstein and You & Your Gender Identity (also on YouTube) by Dara Hoffman Fox, both helpful. Now I see gender identity as on a spectrum, for some it moves along it & the key is finding where on it we feel comfortable. 

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Ivy]

10 hours ago, Delcina B said:

Now I see gender identity as on a spectrum…

Yeah, this.

[Amber76]

You can be who you want to be, and however you choose to label yourself.