Cisgender couple mentoring a trans girl, here to learn.

[PrincipalGeek]

Seems like an intro is the place to start.  Over the years we've both had many friends of various different identities, however mostly adults and never in a position to offer any advice.

 

My wife and I are mentoring a young trans girl under state care.   She's questioning, and puberty is right around the corner.   She's very mature and is open about discussing her experience with us.  

 

So, I'm here to learn.  I'll probably lurk a lot in the beginning, until I'm sure I'm clear on current terminology.

 

A note about the use name, I'm not a school principal.  I'm the principal software engineer for a mid size tech company, thus 'principal geek'. 

[Heather Shay]

@PrincipalGeek Welcome. I want to say I am so pleased to hear you being so open to learn and help and support. One thing I've found here at TP is an incredibly helpful and caring community that listens and offers help and factual answers based on personal history and well documented research. 

 

Look around the site and ask as many questions and don't hesitate to ask. You will be greatly rewarded.

 

Thank you for being such an open and caring couple.

 

Heather Shay

[DeeDee]

2 hours ago, PrincipalGeek said:

A note about the use name, I'm not a school principal.  I'm the principal software engineer for a mid size tech company, thus 'principal geek'. 

Lol. word puns are the best! You are already doing the best thing you can be as mentors though, knowing you are being open and willing to listen is going to make things so much easier for her, if she is questioning she may hone her expression of her gender identity a few times until she finds where she feels most comfortable. I love that the younger generation are not quite as confined in their sense of self expression growing up as many of us older folk were, it's almost like now conformity is seen as being another flavour to choose rather than something needed for survival. Do not underestimate the value of your unconditional support!

[PrincipalGeek]

Thanks for the warm welcome! 

 

I find the concept of trying to 'box' people into roles based on appearance to be weird.  Whether it's gender, social standing or anything else.   Nobody should feel like they need to 'fit' in a box of any sort, self imposed limits are the worse kind.

 

I look forward to learning more and helping her find herself (or himself, or ??).  No matter how it goes, I'm certain I'll be in for an interesting experience.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, and thank you for trying to assist a young trans person by learning all you can about the subject from folks who've been there and done that.  It's a great way to start.  Your mentee is also welcome to join here, if they are 13 or older.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Lexi C]

Hey Welcome PG

I think your story is wonderful.

Teen yrs are probably the best yrs to fig it out , it will help in long run.

Esp with surgery and dysphoria.

Keep listing, keep open heart and arms and you will do find. 

God I wish i had someone like you around in my teens. Life would of being a LOT easier.

[April-Showers]

5 hours ago, PrincipalGeek said:

I look forward to learning more and helping her find herself (or himself, or ??).  No matter how it goes, I'm certain I'll be in for an interesting experience.

good for you. i've been there...done that. growing up as a girl that is. quite different from what she is experiencing i'm sure but i'll keep a lookout for your posts. thank you.

[PrincipalGeek]

 

Thanks everyone! 

 

I'm lucky in that she's got a good head on her shoulders, she knows that she's not certain.. and fully understands that past trauma may be playing a role.   My main worry at this point is that with her uncertainty, I feel like I need to be vary careful lest i inadvertently 'push' her one way or another.

 

At this point I'm treating her just like any other girl or boy (or they/them/dang I hope I got enough in there ? ) I would be mentoring, helping explore interest while having some fun.  Being a stable caring adult in her life will hopefully make a difference, when she wants to talk about where she's going..we'll be there.

 

I was about to write about mentoring, and realized that it probably deserves it's own thread.

 

[Heather Shay]

You're doing fine. Letting your child know you care and support their questioning and letting your child they are loved is so important and will go far in helping.

[Vidanjali]

Welcome to TP, @PrincipalGeek! 

[Ivy]

Welcome Geekster

[Delcina B]

Welcome Principal Geek! It's wonderful you are helping this youth find their way in life. You'll find a lot of caring support & advice here. A gender therapist can be helpful too. I've found the book You & Your Gender Identity by Dara Hoffman Fox a great workbook to unravel questions about my gender; they also read it on YouTube.

 

Glad you're here,

Delcina

[Heather Nicole]

Welcome, @PrincipalGeek!  I feel a certain comradery: Although I don't do much of it these days, my main background is in software development and code.

 

And I'm very happy to hear how dedicated you are to wholeheartedly helping a trans youth. Even as a proud 80's kid, I wish I could've grown up in an environment where I'd have felt safe and comfortable enough to talk openly with...somebody...about what I've come to learn are gender identity issues. I kept my true gender feelings buried deep inside, secret from any other living soul until recently, in my late 30's. I'm genuinely very happy for your mentee and the support she clearly has with you ?.

[Heather Nicole]

8 hours ago, PrincipalGeek said:

My main worry at this point is that with her uncertainty, I feel like I need to be vary careful lest i inadvertently 'push' her one way or another.

 

My gender therapist (and from what I understand, most, or maybe even all good gender therapists(?)) operates from a stance of never being an authority to tell somebody about their own gender or self.  Instead, she takes her role as one to listen, and to help people understand their own self.

 

So, FWIW, I think you are demonstrating some very good instincts here! ? Just keep an open mind and heart, remember as you already know that you're not (and cannot be even if you tried) the one steering her ship, she's the only one who can do that, and your role is that of listener and support. It sounds to me like, deep down, you already understand all that. Just continue remembering the roles and the mutual respect and I think you'll do fine.

[April-Showers]

10 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

remember as you already know that you're not (and cannot be even if you tried) the one steering her ship, she's the only one who can do that

that's an excellent point. many times it seems that parents have their own agenda as to how to move their child forward. i've even seen that on here with some of the posts. i know from experience that it was me who knew who i was and my parents offered support, understanding and got me the required professional assistance but they never steered me in any way. thanks for an excellent observation!

[PrincipalGeek]

2 hours ago, April-Showers said:

that's an excellent point. many times it seems that parents have their own agenda as to how to move their child forward. i've even seen that on here with some of the posts. i know from experience that it was me who knew who i was and my parents offered support, understanding and got me the required professional assistance but they never steered me in any way. thanks for an excellent observation!

 

I think often people don't even realize.  It's easy to confuse your personal 'normal' as something that is good for everyone.  My wife and I discuss this a lot without our mentee, checking each other.. hopefully we can avoid any steering and keep to encouraging her without directing.

 

12 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

Welcome, @PrincipalGeek!  I feel a certain comradery: Although I don't do much of it these days, my main background is in software development and code.

 

Did you start gradually migrating away from coding?  I see that a lot, folks migrating into more managerial positions.  I've never had that urge, luckily my employer has a dual branch advancement path for coders so I've been able to advance on the tech side and avoid the hassle of managing people ?

[Heather Nicole]

1 hour ago, PrincipalGeek said:

Did you start gradually migrating away from coding?  I see that a lot, folks migrating into more managerial positions.  I've never had that urge, luckily my employer has a dual branch advancement path for coders so I've been able to advance on the tech side and avoid the hassle of managing people ?

 

It was really more of a gradual burnout for me. (Seems to be not entirely uncommon for those of us who got into it as kids on the classic 8-bit machines.) There's a lot about it I still appreciate, but also a lot about the industry and tools that I simply grew tired of dealing with.

[Heather Nicole]

2 hours ago, PrincipalGeek said:

I think often people don't even realize.  It's easy to confuse your personal 'normal' as something that is good for everyone.

 

I think this is very true, and important for everybody to keep in mind.

[PrincipalGeek]

1 hour ago, Heather Nicole said:

 

It was really more of a gradual burnout for me. (Seems to be not entirely uncommon for those of us who got into it as kids on the classic 8-bit machines.) There's a lot about it I still appreciate, but also a lot about the industry and tools that I simply grew tired of dealing with.

 

Yeah, seems not uncommon...   I must be wired strange, I code 40+ hours a week for pay and then probably code another 10-40 on my own projects and have been doing so at varying rates since I was about 13.  That said I find time for other hobbies, and i"m sure that's what keeps me 'sane' ?