The process and discriminating where to Come Out and when

[stveee]

So being a CD/TV/queer and my experience "coming out" and the different manifestations have usually been due to a crisis or extreme discomfort. Many times, it was already suspected I and it was no suprise. With family, I just had to start dressing as I wished within boundaries, but this was after my years of suicide attempts and hospitalization. One day I visited my older sister in a dress and nothing was said of it. 

Going with the family theme, I think what may be the most frustrating for them is if you revert back to your assigned gender or you don't commit. I made the mistake of thinking it was just a passing phase and thought I would "grow out of it". I assume family members, like all relationships, want to know who they are dealing with and not to feel deceived. 

Now, many of my close friends and acquaintances that know me, either already know or if not don't care. If I decided to live full time as a trans, I think my sisters may be a little disappointed, but I believe they mostly just want me to be happy. They do lean more in the conservative politically but overall, the point is now I am convinced my identity is not something I can change. I have to have boundaries, self love and know the true nature of my relationships. 

My current "re-coming out" plan is first a place such as this, virtually, maybe a Facebook group too to re-introduce myself. Another goal is my primary addiction support group in real life, whom I have established relations with but they may not know, and will be the turning point where I can be completely honest. I plan on dressing modestly, comfortably, but still being perhaps a little provocatively since my fashion sense is very youthful. I am usually into wearing what girls half my age wear as a size 7 and mixing it up between men's fleece or lounge pants and a girl's top and women's flats. 

There is also a LGBTQ addiction support group that I can attend that I should know  some people already.

A non-starter right now is work or announcing publicly online. I am still in a period of transition and not full time. I have yet to get with a gender therapist, but it has already been suggested to me that I should engage in *some* type of therapy, and I am thinking of asking a local "celebrity" Transwoman musician for advice whom I have met before. The local LGBTQ community is fairly large here. We have an Out Of The Closet store downtownish right on the corner and I can hardly stretch my arms out without hitting a bi, gay or queer person around me. It will be interesting to see how I fit in, but traditionally, I am wary of getting into petty competitions like passing or how flamey you can be, which might be more in the club scene and egotism. Most queers I know, like my male friend are perfectly comfortable not "announcing" his bisexuality. 

[Jackie C.]

Well, for me friends and family that I knew before transitioning needed to know... and that was basically it. After that, it's nobody else's business. That might be different if I was dating, but as half of a decades-long committed relationship it's basically nobody else's business. It's not a secret, it's just not something I bring up unless it's relevant. For example: I had a friend come out as trans, I broke cover to welcome her into the fold. Up until that point, nobody in that friend group knew me as anything other than female.

 

For the people that need to know, I'd recommend telling them before things get too out of control. For example, I made sure everybody knew before I had to explain why I had breasts. Or why I'd feminized my voice (I can switch back to man-voice if I want to, I'd just prefer not to.).

 

I'm way too old and introverted for the club scene though. Whatever goes on there is their business. ?

 

That's my perspective as a middle-aged woman in the Midwest. Your mileage may vary.

 

Hugs!

[stveee]

Ok. I thought more about it, and yes, it has to do with my immediate relations than public exposure.

    My family has witnessed me going femme quite awhile ago and generally just "tolerated" to my brother in law jokingly calling me a b****.

But then I kinda gave up and went back in the closet and tried to manage.

    I really don't feel my mother at 71 is at a point to learn any new tricks, especially concerning her "son", and at the same time dealing with finishing up chemotherapy.

    I visit her monthly and going today. Ideally I would really like to have the "conversation" and discuss what's really going on with me. I do not want to divulge selfishly nor withold either and as far as my small family goes, I have always played the role of "lost child". There has always been a dysfunctional alcoholic family vibe in the backdrop. And that includes denial, of a lot of things.

    So I don't see any advantage in initiating the conversation unless some remark comes along about if I am wearing an article of women's clothing or my hairstyle or I am inquired of. I am just going to do what makes me feel comfortable and let the chips fall where they may. I may not get any support at all, and the relations will end or be superficial, and I realize sadly that's part of the deal more than not.

    I am cautious about the underlying motivation for "approval" and validation from others, when ultimately, I am still in the process of self-acceptance- all that has to come from within.