Still can't shake off feeling or need to 'qualify' enough to be Transgender

[swallow]

Hi,

 

A bit irregular on the forum. Happy to report I made a positive step reaching out to make an appointment in LA for an HRT consult with a clinic.?

 

But they seem to be taking a while even to contact me and book an appointment, its been 2 weeks. Case worker said its normal and he was chasing for me.?

 

I took the step bc I felt I hit the roadblock.

 

I've been passing well enough mostly but I just can't seem to get pass my self imposed voice hurdle.

 

And I feel I have it in my mind that as much as I am passing visually, I still feel I'm defrauding people (Could be just a Cis conditioning maybe) and can't bring myself to use the female voice I have been so diligently practising in private when it comes to show time.?

 

Just today I was at the Indian shop buying my tea (I am addicted to Tea India Orange Pekoe tea bags). Good value.?

 

It was a cloudy day so I was in the mood for some curry Okra as well.

 

The gentleman behind the warmers gendered me as "Miss" (was wearing my leggings and a black singlet...I did not think it right to attempt a crop top since they could be conservative at the shop)?

 

But as soon as I opened my mouth, the 'game' was up. Not that it bothered me bc its as expected now.

 

Later having rung me up, he gave me the receipt and said "Thank You Sir". Was not malicious or anything perhaps covering his base...?

 

But its this nagging feeling in me that somehow I don't qualify enough that I have in my mind maybe one reason I can't get across my own self imposed mental voice hurdle.

 

Lord knows I've been working HARD every week exercising to keep body shape (The stairs...).?

 

But I still feel there is only so much I can achieve with just physical work alone. I still want MORE hips!

 

Therefore the curiosity to at least see how much further (if safe for me) I can transform with HRT and put my own mind at ease to feel I am more down the road enough to attempt using a more female voice.

 

Perhaps I'm not convinced others are entirely genuine with their response to me even if they seem to gender me as a woman mostly. But it really brings to focus the mental psychosis I feel plagues me.

 

As I mentioned to a Cis-friend recently trying to explain to him what I felt I was going thru, my outward appearance or necessity to be female is not (entirely at least) an issue of sexual identity. There is this overwhelming feeling of happiness when I feel I am 'feminine enough'. Its almost like a Euphoric charge that is better than any orgasm.?

 

But where does it stop? As I told him, I don't know where it ends till I get there much like Forest Gump on his run.

 

Am I running away from something or am I running to something? ?

 

Anyway hope the clinic contacts me soon.

 

As I told my sister I would be doing myself a great disservice if I at least did not find out if HRT was feasible for me.

 

On the plus side, I just got a job (Art related). Was a bit anxious whether I needed to disclose what was obvious to my employer but my friend who recommended me and works for them said they were equal opportunity so I felt I should not make it an issue.?

 

My only problem would be the job requires communication with clients and I am in this half way quandary whether to use my original voice (which would be most comfortable) or start afresh with a more female one. And I did not want to make this an issue for the company. Imagine if I spoke to clients on the phone using male voice and turned up bedecked...I don't want any awkwardness but I guess flip side is this is the Art world we're talking about.?

 

In any case the new boss commented  "I was an interesting character"  before she hired me. I took it to mean she would put up a little bit at least with some of my eccentricities within reason.?

 

...work in progress folks thought I'd share.

 

 

 

 

[Aggie1]

1 hour ago, swallow said:

..work in progress folks thought I'd share.

Definitely relate to this!!

[Deanna Celia M]

The thing about building up your hips reminds me of funny incident at my home recently. My niece--who is 18 years old, cis, fit and beautiful--thought she needed to work on her hips. She bought some kegel exercise thing off Amazon. Then was confused how to use it and asked my wife. "Doesn't pelvic exercise mean hips?" I had to play dumb and let my wife explain that one... But the point is, hardly anyone is happy with their appearance. Not women, anyway.

 

And the voice thing... Same niece laughed at my attempts to pitch mine up today, though has no reason why I've been doing so, so I am shamed into dialing it back... I know about the feelings of confusion.

 

 

[Vidanjali]

Congratulations on your new job, @swallow . I hope you'll find it a largely accepting and perhaps even inspiring environment to the extent that you'll encounter more people who tend to think outside the box (at least, one would hope in the art world). I hope things become clearer for you the deeper you delve. I think therapy is a great step to try to get to the bottom of why you experience the sense of holding yourself back regarding your voice. If you're determined, I bet you'll learn a lot about yourself. 

[swallow]

Hi Agnes,

 

Yah ..hehe Work in Progress with emphasis on progress.?

 

Hi Deanna,

 

I know, looking around me at other Cis-Women and the -crap- they have to put up with be it aging or pressure to look good, it reminds us to be less harsh on ourselves.

 

I've had pleasant interactions like the other day, I (last minute) decided on a parking spot at the market ( Spotted one with only one side exposed ....someone had scrapped my car on entire right side some years before without leaving a note, so I try not to park in between two cars if poss, especially since my daughter who just passed her license told me they don't test parking anymore in California). ?

 

but there was a market trolley sitting proudly in the spot. So I stopped and got out to move it. The man a couple of spots next to it who was loading his car up rushed over to help me put it out of the way. Since I can't trust myself to come through with female voice, I normally end up thanking men in some sort of half whisper a(hopefully not to creepy)?

 

This has happened several times. Once when completing exercise/run/stairs Thursday, I was limbering down stretching as I walked...a man ran past me from behind and greeted me...Again loud whisper from me which made him turn round.?

 

And today an unknown neighbour coming down the stairs made way for me and got the whisper 'thanks'...

 

They must thing I have laryngitis or something?

 

Hopefully I can sort out voice soon bc if it isn't bugging them too much, it bothers the hell out of me.

 

Hi Vidanjali,

 

You know I was on therapy 2019...but covid interrupted it.

 

I wasn't sure what I was getting out of it back then.

 

But we did discuss working on the voice. She was very nice but I could not 'perform' then even with her...

 

My friend however has been pushing me more recently. I am due to see her maybe next week and she expects some progress so I just have to get my act together at least with her, make some sort of effort.?

 

Personally I would not have an issue using my voice incongruent as it is with image but for the fact I simply can't stand the sound of it. It's me but it really isn't.?

 

 

 

 

[DeeDee]

@swallow I feel this, without being on HRT I am fortunate that I can wander down the street or into a place without raising any alerts (thoough it has taken a while to gain confidence in this) but I know my voice gives me away.

Practicing with your friend is the best idea! but honestly even if it sounds terrible to you, use your fem voice, like anything the more you use it the better it will get. I have cis friends with voices naturally lower than mine in pitch but they don't get misgendered, take out the resonance that comes from your chest and practice going up in tone and smiling when you talk. You will feel better when you are less self conscious.

[stveee]

Another thing is our voices sound different to ourselves resonating through our skulls, actually recording yourself and playing back may give you an actual picture of your progress, either using your phone and listening through some decent headphones or even Audacity for laptop.

 

I am curious on the hip excersises, do they actually work to build mass? Or bicycling? 

I am glad you touched on the conflict of "dressing appropriately" for the situation type thing, although I suspect I tend to overthink it. Intent, overall personal style and just having the skill to accentuate our own femininity in a way that is flattering accounts for a lot. Certainly we want to do what helps us feel good about ourselves without the intent of just trying to draw attention...if that means baring a little skin in casual everyday situations...bottom line- hey, I gotta do me. "Body positivity" wins out, personally.

[Charlize]

Swallow, i would say you qualify!  In my opinion being trans isn't about passing but instead is about having gender issues.  I know many trans folks who will never "pass" but who are living as themselves.  That being said i also had that need to pass and the constant fear that i wasn't.  I remember wearing hip pads, whispering as i spoke and generally doing everything i could to pass.  Slowly over time my fears have fallen away.  I rarely even think of wether i pass or not.  Perhaps that is because in time i found all i had to do is pass as myself and how others perceived that was their business not mine.  

Funny how letting go of that fear was probably the biggest step in passing.  

I'm glad you are working towards getting therapy.  It certainly was a big help for me.

 

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[swallow]

Hi Charlize,

 

Many thanks. I think we are harsh to ourselves. We all want some sort of positive affirmation from society to accept us as close to how we see ourselves as possible.

 

Its the bar we set for ourselves sometimes...lord knows I'm foolishly going against the 25yr old female body shape as my goal at 50+yrs, quite the challenge. But no harm trying...if I fall short I'm failing at a high level.

 

I'll keep going till I can't., enjoy what I have till it ain't there no more.

 

Eventually I hope/aim to transcend the need for body/the physical. The great equalizer for us all age.

 

 

[swallow]

Hi Stveee,

 

Yah I have to admit when I say I work out hard...its just one day a week.?

 

Rest of the week its all sorts of periodic stretching and watching my food intake. I don't have some sort of crazy dietry meal plan (I eat pretty much everything) but I eat reduce portions (which mean when I go out, my doggy bag can last me a couple more meals so it makes me feel at least I'm getting some sort of value bc Inflation is a killer at the moment good lord)?

 

As for the hips, Its the usual curtsies and squats. I don't do a lot either, all incremental say 20 curtsies and 20 squats, also frog jumps. That's after my five mile max (at least I think its five mile) run and then the (brutal) fast climb up 200 step stair (I only go up to save my knees)

 

As i told my friend, its a question at my age of fitness versus preservation?

 

I also then work on mid section torso after the run and stairs,  palm trees, lots of twists and then  vacuums when cooling down at home (in concert with a corset)

 

Its hard for me to prescribe my regiment to others bc everyone has a different genetic.

 

I never had tendency for upper body mass even after going thru fairly arduous Military training. If I neglect upper body strength training, I feel soft and smooth anyway.

 

The butt and Hip area I feel if I do too much cardio/aerobic would be detrimental.?

 

Which is why on my run, its normally a fast middle distance paced one (or as fast as I can manage given age)?

 

I see sprinters have nice bums but at the same time they also are quite built upper body. So and in between is the middle distance runner but if you have propensity to gain muscle, I try to avoid too much work out.

 

Yoga stretches intermittently throughout the week have been VERY effective. Particularly side leg lifts and what I call the birthing position (I'm sure there is a fancy sanskrit based name for this) and also not to mention lying flat on tummy then extending upper body upward with arms straight (works the small of the back)?

 

I feel I put a decent amount of work into my body to justify appreciating it. Hope others do too. I like to share.☺️

 

 

 

 

[swallow]

Hi Dee Dee,

 

You know I took up the advise of Sally Stone and have been an active amateur shower singer in the household to the detriment of my kids (although no complains thus far)?

 

It has extended to the car as I finally uploaded a number of Spotify albums and when alone in the car mostly, try to belt out the numbers as best as I can with great volume.

 

I think one of the problems was projection bc I could do the little me voice in bed (five foot voice) but any further it unravels

 

So I think the loud singing in my own space in the car helps.?

 

but its the usual anonymous social interactions. I mean I'm still running around masked (habit formed but also kinda helps with confidence since I can hide behind my big shades and mask a bit more without giving away micro clues of my level of confidence)

 

Theoretically I should be able to use the female voice with people I don't know but there is just something in me right now (confidence I feel) that still makes me feel I don't pass enough even if I'm getting correctly gendered.

 

Its almost a feeling that I don't deserve it yet.?

 

Its a complete mental thing.

 

I think it may be one of those things that you have to break your duck somewhere. My friend hopefully with my interactions with her will slowly pry open the doorway for me.

 

But I almost feel I need to get to the point where people actually tell me to change my voice FFS bc it doesn't match outward appearance anymore. ?

 

That would be a BIG shove rather than the gentle push.?

[BrandiBri]

The university where I live has a speech therapy dept that also works with transgenders for voice training. Maybe you could look into that option. They recommended an app called voice tools. It measures pitch along with tone. there is a way to analyse your progress. I highly recommend that you at least try it out. I only took one semester due to having to have the bottom surgery, which will be on Nov 24th. I hope this helps. 

 

HUgs and Good luck,

Brandi

[swallow]

Many Thanks Brandi, my therapist passed me a number of professionals back in 2019 but I did not activate them bc at that point, I was conserving my money for my kids.

 

I have the voicetools App. Been using it for a couple of years now. No problem hitting the right pitch etc...

 

Rehearsals always go smooth...but stage fright during performance time.?

[swallow]

I now have another small pickle to consider...?

 

My sister told me our cousin has been getting enquiries about my status from my aunts and other cousins.

 

I only have 2 or 3 cousins somewhere in the recesses of my social media but dunno why this one is the go to, she said she's been like the call centre.?

 

According to my sister, I've been over zealous with my dress on my posts (literally) and questions are being asked/formed...

 

My cousin (who kinda guess what's going on with me) told my sister she's fed up answering questions she has zero answer to. She has referred them onwards directly to me but thankfully they are a bit shy and have no idea how to approach the issue.?

 

I'm not terribly close to my whole extended family even if they seem genuinely concern for me most of the time.

 

My sister says my Dad's second youngest sister seems to be asking a lot of questions so its a matter of time it filters up to him and my mom (if not already)?

 

I told her I'm not going to make a terrible effort to open up to them bc they have their religious hang ups. If they ask the questions, it shall be answered on a take it or leave it matter of fact basis.?

 

But that all makes this whole voice thing more of a conundrum.

 

BC my sister asked me if I would be modulating between original and new voice on circumstance and person.

 

I told her I really don't want to, I'd prefer to use one voice so I either gotta commit or keep opting out when come time.

 

That said its gonna be super weird speaking to all these familiars in a new voice (never mind already the stage fright with perfect strangers)?

 

Pressure.?

[DeeDee]

7 hours ago, swallow said:

I now have another small pickle to consider...?

I honestly thought this was a euphemism for a different trans issue for a second...

 

Who you tell is your business, so is how you tell them. However people abhor a void and will fill it with whatever they choose to, if you do choose to say something at least you control the narrative and detail needed. 

My masc voice is higher than it used to be as I am no longer deliberately manning up by trying to rumble and sound authoratative but it makes sense to use it for those who havent met the real me yet, if someone has met the real you Swallow then you can comfortably use your voice regardless of what you look like. x

[swallow]

Hi Deedee...

 

If only it were true the euphemism...?

 

I think the missing piece of the jigsaw vocal issues tie in with image issues...

 

I was explaining to my sister my 'dress sense' and that I am going through a phase testing my limits to convince myself primarily I deserve to pass and therefore deserve to use a different voice.

 

...she asked me what I meant, I explained I was setting a high standard for myself with clothing that are challenging to say the least with little room for error like leggings, crop tops etc...part of it to gauge if I received any adverse reactions or second looks particularly from women. I am in a sense pushing my limits.

 

She reminded me of course I should dress appropriate to age as my mother keeps saying "don't be mutton dress as lamb"...?

 

But age is such a comparative issue I said. Someone 20 something could look much older, an older person may look younger.

 

I said I was dressing according to how I felt looked aesthetically pleasing.

 

And whilst I had it to pass age-wise or otherwise as a younger woman, I should in my mind continue to do so bc it will all be gone sooner than later.?

 

That brought me to thinking about 'Narcissism' or the charge labelled against me by family members sometimes...

 

Its one of those damn if you do, damn if you don't.

 

I went through periods of unkempt care and complains abound about my lack of care. Then I preen myself a bit and complains came in about too much vanity.?

 

I don't particularly think I put much more effort than anyone-else. I certainly barely wear make up these days and when I take pictures, I' am very concern about angle etc but I don't go crazy with filters or anything.?

 

People just have something to say either way.

 

You are so right with the voice or any other issue. At some point in age, you get to not worry too much about other's opinions anymore.?

 

I'm not as concern with relatives starting to pry I suppose partly bc I am located quite a physical distance from them so there is a sense of separation for me. Social media I can always go 'absent without leave'.?

 

Its my own (judgement) that concerns me deep down.?

 

Had I been less self critical, many issues would be of less consequence and less of a handbrake.