Advice needed

[JustineM]

I need some advice, my Mom knows that I am trans. I wrote a nice long letter to her back in January. She is… not thrilled with the idea to say the least. Mom was the children’s pastor at a church in Illinois for 30 yrs. Since I came out to her I’ve only actually seen her once. (She lives in Illinois I live in Wisconsin) when we did meet up before she ever got there she asked if I was presenting, because she has a problem with that. She has also stated that she has a problem with me learning makeup and all the other things I’ve done. The typical” it’s against the Bible.” Etc etc etc 
 

Here’s my issue, she has NO idea that I’ve started HRT and I have no idea how to tell her. I know it’s going to cause significant issues, but I’ve got to tell her at some point because, you know, boobs. They’ve already grown enough that you can tell when I wear a T-shirt.

Any thoughts, ideas, spells, ways to summon the Lone Ranger to tell her?

[Carolyn Marie]

Justine, IMO not telling her just postpones the inevitable.  You might as well get it out there, because soon something else will be "getting it out there," and that will probably be worse.  Hon, as has been said many times in many of these forums, moms are very important to all of us, but that doesn't mean she gets to control your life when you're an adult.  You have to live your life according to your own needs, desires and hopes, and she needs to respect that, even if she doesn't support your decision.

 

My suggestion, if you haven't already done so, is to download one of the pamphlets or docs for parents of trans kids and ask her to read it.  There are also some great books out there, but the titles aren't coming to mind right now.  There are probably good books on how the Bible doesn't really forbid transitioning.  There certainly are several religious faiths and denominations that support and welcome trans folk, including; Reform and Conservative Judaism; Episcopalian, United Church of Christ, many Presbyterian churches, and the Evangelical Lutheran Church.  It may not convince her, but its a start.

 

You've probably said these things to her already, but you need to reinforce that no matter what your body looks like on the outside, you are still the same person on the inside, and you are, and always will be her child.  Her love is very important to you, and if she loves you, she should open her mind and her heart to your needs.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Davie]

I can't improve on the suggestions that @Carolyn Mariesaid.

Perhaps just sitting with your mom, face-to-face, will say the most.

Perhaps you both need a good cry together.

A prayer,

— Davie

 

[JustineM]

@Carolyn Marie how the heck is it you always manage to say exactly what I need to hear? Really it can be eerie sometimes lol. 
 

Thank you, I guess I was getting into my own head a little (lot) to much. I’ve got to tell her but I’ve also got to remember that I don’t have to rationalize anything to her. Nearly the entirety of the rest of my family supports me. 
 

I guess it sometimes feels like I need her approval, her and Dad adopted me when I was a toddler out of a pretty horrific situation. And I really don’t want to elaborate further than that. 

[stveee]

1 hour ago, JustineM said:

 

 

I guess it sometimes feels like I need her approval, her and Dad adopted me when I was a toddler out of a pretty horrific situation. And I really don’t want to elaborate further than that. 

 

That's an interesting point you have, and this may have to do with a sense of guilt, which is very subtle but just as corrosive.

 

The point is, we are trying to move forward and we aren't tallying up a scorecard based on the past and need to pay off debts to feel like we "deserve" to live authentically. 

 

When I was in discovery twenty years ago, I believe I was caught in a narcissistic relationship with my father, who adopted me at 4, and he would turn a major life event like mine or anyone else's and make it about him.

This confused me as a child and obviously felt insecure, as I felt love to be based on conditions, a major condition being how well I could please him and behave.

These types of relationships are political and based on power dynamics that have nothing to do with the child at all, but usually with the other estranged parent in which the child is objectified and used as a possession instead of a person in an ongoing power struggle.

You can have disapproval and still have love. A parent can not agree, but put their opinion aside to carry on the relationship.