Hi! I'm Brianna

[Brianna Ward]

My name here is Brianna. I'm from Kentucky, middle-aged (though I feel much younger), and am either considering transitioning or in the very early stages of transitioning mtf (depending on who you talk to). All I can tell you is I tried twice, got interrupted by 1) a really bad accident and 2) Covid, and as the title of a Kindle memoir says, 'it never goes away'. I don't want admirers, I don't want messages from people asking me to come over and have 'fun', I want to talk with regular, normal people who are trans or are transitioning about their experiences, ups and downs, and help me through what would undoubtedly be a challenging time in my life. I'm curious, scared, and don't know what to do next. 

[Petra Jane]

Welcome @Brianna to the forums, I am sure that you find what you are looking for here! 

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Brianna Ward said:

I don't want admirers, I don't want messages from people asking me to come over and have 'fun', I want to talk with regular, normal people who are trans or are transitioning about their experiences, ups and downs, and help me through what would undoubtedly be a challenging time in my life.

 

Yup, that's us. Welcome aboard! We're happy you found us!

 

Hugs!

[Heather Shay]

@Brianna Ward I see you've made friends with two of the most wonderful and loving people I've ever met. And believe me there will be more coming and totally understand the requirements you state in your introduction. I found this forum a place where the information and support for my needs have been met and exceded and a place of wise listeners who respond truthfully and honestly and I have found great peace here. My wish is for you to find the same.

Heather

[Jani]

Welcome Briana.  Sorry to read about an accident that put you off.  I hope all is well now.  This is a safe place for all.  Please join in the conversation.  I believe you will find what you are looking for.  

 

Cheers, 

Jani

[Charlize]

I can't say i'm normal Briana.  I do believe the only place that really fits is on the control dial of a washing machine.  I can say that  my time here has helped me accept myself as trans woman.

Welcome and enjoy!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Brianna Ward]

Thanks everyone! I don't know what to say. This is all brand new to me. I have so many questions, and am kind of overwhelmed here. I do know i need a therapist, but don't know where to start with that either. Maybe once I get some down time this weekend I'll share a little about my journey, and answer any questions you might have. 

[Delcina B]

Welcome @Brianna Ward ! I found the people here in this wonderful amazing place to be supportive, full of sound advice & accepting, I hope you do too. A good next step would probably be breathe. I've found the posts, old & new, helpful in guiding me on this journey exploring my femme.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Brianna,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Brianna Ward]

A little about me...

 

I cross-dressed as a child, which was slapped down hard (figuratively) by my mother. I stopped before high school, due to lack of clothing, and for years I don't know if I buried it intentionally or if it was my environment, because I lived in a very red state and was part of a charismatic evangelical conservative Christian subculture where crossdressing was never mentioned, and transgender people unheard of. So for years, I had no real frame of reference for this, no opportunity to really acknowledge it because the culture around me treated transgender people and crossdressing like they didn't exist, except as comic relief on some TV show or as bizarre, evil perverts you'd be warned about by Christian media.

I do remember having moments where I wondered what it would be like to be female, and looking back i remember dressing in such as way as to try to feminize my appearance (turtlenecks, slacks, nice dress shoes, even a leather coat). But dressing up never came back to mind until 7-8 years ago, when I made a comment that I'd like to dress up in women's clothing, and was encouraged by a store clerk to do so. Of course, I was kinda treated like a freak, but I did go out, and even gathered the courage to connect with a local TG group that went badly: the women mistrusted me, and turned their backs on me at one point (I also had one of the women put their knee against mine, and hint at wanting something more). I never went back and I can't find that group anywhere: maybe they all retired. 

I did see a therapist, but didn't make much progress. She left town, and I was left to fend for myself. I was in an accident that summer, and for a few years had to focus on other matters, such as recovery. 

But it never really went away, and here I am. My family is solid charismatic evangelical Christian, solid right, and would absolutely not approve of this. I'm pretty independent, however, and mostly keep separate from them anyway; I also know I have to deal with this eventually, and the way to do it isn't thru the church or thru denial or conversion therapy. 

[Brianna Ward]

I realize my story is unique...I have asked myself what I really want, what my motivations are, are there fetishes involved, etc. Any question anyone else may come up with? I've asked myself. 

I think my story is one shaped by living in a charismatic/spirit filled subculture within an evangelical subculture within a broader conservative culture in a red state, where most of the Democrats are culturally conservative compared to Dems in big cities and blue states. I think there are things -- like transitioning -- that didn't come to mind because a) it never came up in culture until relatively recently and b) when I tried to express my feminine side and got caught, the message that YOU DO NOT DO THIS EVER got thru to me loud and clear. 

Now, when i do dress, it's in private, and there's no fetish involved. This honestly seems like a legit part of me. The question is what is really going on here, do I need to transition, and if I do, what will be the cost? Because there WILL be a cost, and that does scare me. 

[Meiruru]

On 11/4/2021 at 9:11 AM, Brianna Ward said:

My name here is Brianna. I'm from Kentucky, middle-aged (though I feel much younger), and am either considering transitioning or in the very early stages of transitioning mtf (depending on who you talk to). All I can tell you is I tried twice, got interrupted by 1) a really bad accident and 2) Covid, and as the title of a Kindle memoir says, 'it never goes away'. I don't want admirers, I don't want messages from people asking me to come over and have 'fun', I want to talk with regular, normal people who are trans or are transitioning about their experiences, ups and downs, and help me through what would undoubtedly be a challenging time in my life. I'm curious, scared, and don't know what to do next. 

hi there ? mtf here im starting trasitioning next week and i have the same feeling as you and so far here's been the right place , very respectful and lovely people around , my post should be in the bio section(just posted it an hour or so ago ) if you want to see how's been for me coming out , if you feel like asking something just do it  ❤️ 

[DeeDee]

Hi @Brianna Ward I have no frame of reference for the red/blue political comments but do understand the different christian sub genres (though evangelical is not the sole property of traditionalists!)  When I first came here I was sure that I would not fit in and that no one would have a similar story to mine, only to find that while we all walk our own paths there are plenty of connection points and lots of support to be found. I had to deal with my own shame and bigotry with a therapist before I could dress to an online appointment with her and start the real questioning process from there. As the kids would say, you do you.  

[stveee]

3 hours ago, Brianna Ward said:

I realize my story is unique...

Now, when i do dress, it's in private, and there's no fetish involved. This honestly seems like a legit part of me. The question is what is really going on here, do I need to transition, and if I do, what will be the cost? Because there WILL be a cost, and that does scare me. 

 

This sounds like me only a couple months ago. It took me awhile to accept what I was, go through all the what ifs and emotionally process it. Read, research, meditate some more on it...I think that's common. 

Then I got with a therapist and processed it openly. That helped, once the inside talk gets vocalized. I suggest therapy if you can. 

Yes, there are "tradeoffs", a price must be paid, no doubt. But it's not like trading in a car, and you can test drive the new one first and then decide. 

There is no shame at all in taking all the time you need and "deciding not to decide" on anything. It really is like the saying, if you seek, you will find. 

 

[Mmindy]

On 11/4/2021 at 1:28 PM, Charlize said:

I can't say i'm normal Briana.  I do believe the only place that really fits is on the control dial of a washing machine

@Brianna Wardas you can see by the replies you had to this post. I've found the folk who reply to our questions, worries, and rants are very caring and witty. Like Charlize said, Normal is a selection on the washing machine. I love it!

 

Welcome to the forums @Brianna Ward,

 

Mindy??️‍⚧️?

[Ivy]

Welcome Brianna.

I just now found your post.  

But you are certainly not alone with the "charismatic evangelical conservative Christian subculture" background.  That held me back for years.  These days I kinda avoid it.

 

[Kylie]

Welcome!

 

There are so many amazing people on here that can relate to you in some sort and fashion. Hope you find the support you need here, I always have! 
 

 

[Brianna Ward]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Would someone advise as to where the best forums are to get started for a newbie who only knows this is a trans-friendly board? 

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Brianna Ward said:

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Would someone advise as to where the best forums are to get started for a newbie who only knows this is a trans-friendly board? 

Brianna,

 

The home page has a resource tab to help locate services in your community. www.transgenderpulse.com/resource-locator/ Also the Blogs tab has a list of subject categories, plus as you log on there will be update notifications by the Bell ? and envelope.

 

Mindy??️‍⚧️?♏

[Brianna Ward]

thanks Mmindy!

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Brianna Ward said:

thanks Mmindy!

??‍???️‍⚧️?♏?

[Amber76]

On 11/4/2021 at 10:11 AM, Brianna Ward said:

'I don't want admirers, I don't want messages from people asking me to come over and have 'fun', I want to talk with regular, normal people who are trans or are transitioning about their experiences, ups and downs, and help me through what would undoubtedly be a challenging time in my life. I'm curious, scared, and don't know what to do next. 

This describes me exactly. Thank you for joining and sharing