Having trouble starting the dysmorphia conversation.

[PheonyxJayde]

I’m hoping the community can give me a little help or guidance. My wife knows about both my cross dressing (she is cool with it but in the past has said she doesn’t want to see me dressed more than some underwear during sex) and that I’m in gender therapy because I think it’s more than just dressing - the whole pandemic lockdown gave me a a lot of time to journal and think and face that it’s more fundamental. 
 

My therapist says I meet the criteria for Gender Dysmorphia.  I want to share this with my wife but I have no clue how to start the conversation. Do I drop it as a bomb or do I slowly start socializing the idea with her.  I know this is all a lot on her and she loves me and wants to be supportive but I also know she has her own needs and desires.  Thoughts? Any help is very much appreciated!  Ty!!!

 

P

[VickySGV]

First, I need to suggest is what you are having is actually referred to as Gender Dysphoria, not dysmorphia which is another condition altogether.  Gender Dysphoria means that your mind and genitalia are at odds with each other and and thus the gender assigned to you at birth does not fit.  Body dysmorphia refers to not liking the shape of your body and for many reasons other than your self perceived gender, although Trans people can have the dysmorphia in the same way Cis people do.  For us Trans it is fitting our whole lives and not just our physical bodies into the gender life that is opposite of our Birth Assigned Gender.  This is a point that adds to confusion in our own minds and into the minds of Cis gender people.  Our minds work most closely to those minds of Cis gender people who were assigned (male)(female) at birth in the gender opposite - or inbetween - the one we were assigned.  Only a few Trans go on to fully modify their bodies through Genital Gender Confirmation Surgery.  Many more will have surgeries that Cis members of their identified gender do such as breast augmentation and cosmetic facial surgery and others.  The important thing though is that living in our self identified gender brings us peace and harmony with our environment and lives.  We are not looking for sex any more than Cis gender people are, we prefer occupations, hobbies, public appearance more closely related to traditional (male)(female) occupations etc. and are more comfortable and productive in those activities and with people doing them.  It is not just our body shapes at the center there. 

For your partner's sake, this will not be instantaneous, Gender Transition takes literally years since we have to get rid of as much of our social baggage as our physical adjustments.  Your partner needs to be brought into this on her terms during this time.  I have friends who looked forward to surgeries for many years, but in the time it took on waiting lists, decided that their lives were complete without those steps and many also had tried hormones and decided that simply social change was enough for them which with an understanding partner improved mental intimacy but did not disrupt the physical pleasure of their lives.  Transition is not one single long leap, it is a whole series of small steps.  If a therapist thinks Transition will help you be a better, happier person, they can also counsel you on taking the small steps in a way to help your relationship as has happened before.

[Sarah Victoria]

Hi Vicky

 

I have been reading up on gender dysphoria and came across your excellent comments to Jayde.

 

I have found them very very useful as i believe i have dysphoria and started gender therapy to understand more and find answers to my many questions.

 

As i am new to the site and understanding the rules i hope you dont mind if i may ask some questions to you about dysphoria from your knowledge and experience as i note you are a super administrator .

 

Keep well and warm regards and a hug to you

Sarah