Coming out to a cis-gendered, hetero-sexual wife

[Jamey-Heather]

So I came out to many people as genderqueer. My wife, who really does try to be supportive, told me she is "turned off" every time I act "feminine". At that point, I wasn't really admitting to myself that I might really just be a transwoman, so I was saying I was both male and female (I admit this might be true). But her response has made me be on edge at home, always. While I may have many aspects that are "male", and can bring them home to her, I feel like I can't even talk to her about who I am. I MUCH prefer female pronouns, I like wearing camisoles and dresses when I feel safe, I'd prefer a vagina to a penis...and I don't feel comfortable talking to her about it. I know her to be a loving and kind person, and I sympathize with her: she thought she was getting a "man" when we married, and in some ways may lack of self awareness is the cause.

[Trista1]

my wife had a hard time when I first came out to her also. It took what seemed like forever at the time for her to accept me for who I am. We had a lot of long and difficult conversations over the course of the first year but with letting her know my feelings and why I needed to be how I am acceptance was finally achieved. Just the other day she started calling me her wife and It felt great. 

Just try to make little steps with her. There were hurtful words that came out of my wife's mouth at first also but after letting her know that what she was saying was hurtful to me we were able to work past it in time. Just like transition it is going to be a process. I think that as a trans woman I felt that I wanted everyone to just accept me with out question but forgot that it has been rolling around in my head for a long time and I had time to process it and forgetting that it was new to my wife. She hadn't had the time that I had or experienced the feelings that I felt inside. It can be very foreign to someone that hasn't experienced what you have.

Just try to be as open and honest with has as you can with her. You are still you just in a different package.

[Amber76]

Thank you for sharing, and I really hope you find your answers 🤗

 

I'm a few steps behind you on this journey and I am concerned about similar. In the end I may choose to make some compromises, but one thing that's been clear to me is that the point of this is that I need to be true to myself or it's just way too depressing.

 

So it's rattling around in my head, maybe you want to ask yourself similar, is what will it take for me to feel authentic to myself? Is there a line? 

 

Good luck!!! 🤗🤗🤗

[Susan R]

Hi @Jamey,

 

I missed this post last month. Sorry for my late reply. So many married transgender individuals have to deal with this once they come out to their spouse. I did a few years ago and thankfully, it all worked out well but I was really worried before I actually did it for the same reasons you describe in your post.

 

On 11/19/2021 at 8:35 PM, Jamey said:

I know her to be a loving and kind person, and I sympathize with her: she thought she was getting a "man" when we married, and in some ways may lack of self awareness is the cause.

Looking for the source of who is to blame is a fruitless endeavor. Both partners have expectations within the marriage and sometimes those have to change due to unforeseen circumstances. For you, understanding what it means to be transgender, then believing it, and finally accepting it are sometimes lifelong events. You can’t blame yourself. Your spouse had expectations too and did nothing wrong in her wanting or even expecting the old version of you to be there forever. Spouses can be both loving and kind and still expect that their spouse will always remain the same for over the course of the marriage. It doesn’t necessarily make it happen. If she can understand your situation and gain empathy through that, there is always a possibility of change in her acceptance of you being transgender.

 

On 11/20/2021 at 2:35 AM, Trista1 said:

We had a lot of long and difficult conversations over the course of the first year but with letting her know my feelings and why I needed to be how I am acceptance was finally achieved. Just the other day she started calling me her wife and It felt great.

This is one way understanding then empathy can be obtained. @Trista1 did it patiently through communication over a long period of time. Her entire post was a wonderful example of how to help a spouse get ‘new’ perspective on the entire situation. Society tells our spouses (and us) one thing and sometimes we blindly go with what we have been taught and told. The issue of what it means to be transgender is changing but it’s a very slow process. Individually, we can help others get there much faster but it can be a long process. I hope in time your spouse will see you with different eyes and work with you instead of against what you need to live authentically.

 

My Best,

Susan R🌷

[Jamey-Heather]

❤️❤️❤️

[Jamey-Heather]

On 12/21/2021 at 6:57 PM, Susan R said:

Hi @Jamey,

 

I missed this post last month. Sorry for my late reply. So many married transgender individuals have to deal with this once they come out to their spouse. I did a few years ago and thankfully, it all worked out well but I was really worried before I actually did it for the same reasons you describe in your post.

 

Looking for the source of who is to blame is a fruitless endeavor. Both partners have expectations within the marriage and sometimes those have to change due to unforeseen circumstances. For you, understanding what it means to be transgender, then believing it, and finally accepting it are sometimes lifelong events. You can’t blame yourself. Your spouse had expectations too and did nothing wrong in her wanting or even expecting the old version of you to be there forever. Spouses can be both loving and kind and still expect that their spouse will always remain the same for over the course of the marriage. It doesn’t necessarily make it happen. If she can understand your situation and gain empathy through that, there is always a possibility of change in her acceptance of you being transgender.

 

This is one way understanding then empathy can be obtained. @Trista1 did it patiently through communication over a long period of time. Her entire post was a wonderful example of how to help a spouse get ‘new’ perspective on the entire situation. Society tells our spouses (and us) one thing and sometimes we blindly go with what we have been taught and told. The issue of what it means to be transgender is changing but it’s a very slow process. Individually, we can help others get there much faster but it can be a long process. I hope in time your spouse will see you with different eyes and work with you instead of against what you need to live authentically.

 

My Best,

Susan R🌷

Sorry I could only give you some hearts yesterday: I was on my water-wheel-powered phone and couldn't write a detailed response without doing yogic contortions I couldn't even do when I was a young girl, let alone now. Just so you know, I don't blame myself, I'm simply aware that my lack of awareness was part of our lives together. My spouses sister died a couple of weeks ago. Her mother, who lived with us, died in March. She is dealing with a lot. But after her sister's passing, she actually seems more open. We'll see. 

Mostly, I want to thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. Much love, and big hugs!

[Jamey-Heather]

Last night, she called me "Heather"! (I go by Jamey, but Heather is my "new" middle name. Every step forward is a victory to me ❤❤❤❤❤

 

[Jani]

Well that's interesting!  Still, trod lightly as acceptance can be a slow process and she is still processing her sister and mother's death.

 

Jani

[Jamey-Heather]

Tuesday night, after we went to see Jersey Boys with our son, she told me "I love you -- whatever that entails"! I'm feeling so blessed right now ❤️❤️❤️

[Mmindy]

Hey there @Jamey Heather,

 

When I came out to my wife, she was more than outraged, and vindictive. Life for us has been a roller coaster ride with very deep anger coming out of my wife's being. Then she apologized and we cried through the troubled times. She just now agreed to go to counseling with me. The therapist (Stacey) was great at understanding my wife's anger, then easing her into redirecting it. My wife said she married a man, and that's how she wanted it to remain, even though I would remind her that I'm still the same person, just a little more androgynous. Stacey then pointed out that I am the same person at the core that she fell in love with way back in 1974. It's a generational thing that sticks us in the binary genders, and we should look at each other as the person not the gender.

 

All in all last nights counseling session was a good one, and I have hope that we'll be able to work it out.

 

Go slow and give your family time to process the real you.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Jamey-Heather]

Oh, MMindy, I'm so glad your wife agreed to go ❤️!! Your post in Coffee broke my heart. I hope she continues moving in a positive, accepting direction. Big hugs! ❤️💛🧡

[Delcina B]

@Mmindy So happy for you & your wife! I relate to a lot of your experience, though a divorce looms overhead for us nothing is final yet, so there's hope.

 

Hugs!

Delcina