relationship rough waters and depression

[Kelly2509]

this isn't the most pleasant of topics but I'm been fighting depression for a couple days now and in an effort to work my way out I needed to voice this to people who will understand (therapy and support group are next week, so more personal help is coming, just not soon enough).  I know there probably aren't any good solutions to the problem, but my hope is that voicing it will help me process it so I can move past it.

 

So the other day my wife and I had a big fight and were probably one sentence from either side from divorce.  It all started simply enough, we had a grocery delivery coming and my wife asked if I was planning on changing before they arrived (I was in a long skirt).  I said I'd rather not but if she wanted me to I would.  She said yes please and I said no problem, but eventually I would like to get past having to change to answer the door please (this has been on my mind lately and I wanted to gently remind her).  It was said calmly and without judgment but was apparently not taken that way and she got upset.

 

So we sat down for a talk and she accused me of getting mad about it (I wasn't) and then basically went on an "airing of grievances" kind of thing (I'll spare most of the details).  A lot of it was extremely one-sided, I am doing this to her, she feels unsafe or uncomfortable in her own home, she doesn't want people asking her questions, stuff like that.  I responded by saying things like how did she think I felt, I need to sneak around my own home or dial things back to neutral if I want to actually interact with the family, so I did try to stand up for myself a little bit here and there, but mostly tried to just let her vent.  She got really angry while I remained as calm as possible (I don't make good cases for myself when I get emotional) and there was a lot of talk about how she may never be ready for me at 100%, going as far as saying (in not exactly the same words) I should be grateful to have what I have now as it is better than what I had before, even if it wasn't 100%.  It got heated enough, or I should say she got heated enough, that at one point I was convinced she was going to tell me to pack my stuff and get out.  It didn't happen, things did get dialed back down emotionally, and we got back to the actual issue that set things off and talked about that.

 

We landed in an OK place, I guess, but I'm feeling especially hopeless the last couple days and can't get the things she said out of my head.  I've done so much over the years for her comfort or to give her what she wants out of life and I just feel like this one time I ask for the same she can't, or won't, return the favor.  I'm struggling with the idea that she can't see past her own comfort levels to see what that does to me.  When I came out I was convinced there was one person on earth who would have my back and apparently I was very much wrong about that.  She complains all the time about her mom being a bit of a narcissist, and I think she can't see how much like her mom she can be at times.  Neither of us wants to split up because we usually enjoy each others company and we make a good team, but I just don't see how it can work long-term.  I'm working on solutions for my hair, how will she deal with that?  Can I even wear it around the house?  I'm planning legal name change next fall, how will she deal with that?  I've been using my name for a year now and she still can't bring herself to say it.  It just seems so hopeless.

[Heather Shay]

@Kelly2509 OMG can I relate. My wife and I have had some real knockouts and somehow have survived but it is getting a little better and I can relate. I'm glad you are airing it here - I am also in therapy with a wonderful Therapist who believes in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It sounds like some of that might help you. 

In regard to holding on to the scenario that depresses you - try to just observe it and call it what it is - depression. Give yourself room to defuse or detach from it and unhook the emotion. Takes practice but it helps if you stick with it. You can't get rid of feelings or thoughts but think of them as passing clouds or leaves on a stream and let them come and go and not get dominated by them. Again I know it's hard but I think it helps understand that becoming an observer and allowing emotional expansion or room to have the emotion be there but not overpowering helps.

Hugs,

Heather

[Kelly2509]

Thanks @Heather Shay!  I'm glad to hear you've been there and things have improved, that's great for you and gives me hope as well!  It's so helpful to know I can talk to people who understand!

 

I don't know if my therapist ever referred to that idea as acceptance and commitment, but she has pushed me to learn how to identify when depression-brain is taking over.  We did land in an OK place the other day and I intellectually know I should be fine (my wife appears to be feeling better since then) but it is absolutely a depression-brain takeover that has me in the funk I'm in.  I really like the clouds and leaves imagery you mentioned, I'm going to spend some time in meditation today with those in mind

[Heather Shay]

@Kelly2509 Another source you might try is "Therapy in a Nutshell" YouTube. Emma McAdams uses the same techniques our therapists use and it's nice to have it re-enforced and told in different ways. Best Wishes.

Hugs,

Heather

[Artpetal]

I am SO sorry you were expected to change to answer the door. This is bizarro world. I... wow. Something out of the 1800s, not the 2020s. The solace I get when these sorts of things happen is to focus on my body, which I am happy with and which I am in love with. I love my estrogen-filled body and thinking about how much I do gives me warm comfort. In your spare time, I would listen to upbeat music on repeat because it helps a lot.

[Vidanjali]

Hi @Kelly2509. I just wanted to offer you some hope. Several weeks ago, things came to a head with me and my husband. Very similar in ways - he was saying some outrageous, self centered and hurtful things, and I mostly listened, let him vent, and did my best to remain calm. I honestly did not know whether our relationship would survive. He did come around after a few days to where he was able to rationally hear my responses to the things he said. Again, I put great effort into leaving emotion out of it and expressing things as facts to him - he often accuses me of freaking out about stuff and that being the reason he is not able to express himself, which is rather ironic because in fact I don't freak out, and the only time he says such things has been when he's in the midst of freaking out. It's old patterns. For my husband, he grew up in the shadow of his sister's mental illness. If your wife was raised by a narcissistic mother, she could be expressing a fear of annihilation - not that she is being annihilated, but that her reality is "falling apart" (actually, just changing) as yours is revealed. Even after my husband processed A LOT and was able to actually explain to me that he was never actually angry with me, but afraid of things that he's since begun to come to terms with, my nerves were shot and I was in a depression for many weeks. So, I feel for you and I understand. I promise it will pass. You said it yourself - you and your wife do have a strong partnership. You may have to go through venting sessions or more before you come through to more common ground. For now, the best you can do is to take time to care for yourself. It may be difficult, but try to find forgiveness and patience for your wife, if only for your own sake initially because resentment can eat at you and you don't need that burden. I pray for your strength and grace! 

[Kelly2509]

@Artpetal  Thanks for the suggestions!  It definitely feels crappy to be in that situation.  When I get depression-brain I tend to get up in my head a lot so focusing on my body and listening to upbeat music sounds like a good strategy

 

@Vidanjali your experience does sound very familiar!  I do my best to check my emotions at the door when things like that happen because I tend to "swing wild" a bit when I get fired up.  My wife also doesn't say things like that to me except when she's upset so we do have much in common when it comes to these situations!  Your take was really insightful, as soon as I read the part about her reality falling apart it rang a whole bunch of bells from that "conversation" and some previous ones as well.  I can't remember if she's said exactly that, but she expresses a lot of fear in those moments.  My depression-brain has already introduced a lot of anger and resentment, which I think is why it's been so hard to let things go the last couple days, so I will make some time to try to find forgiveness and patience.  Thank you for sharing your experience, it's given me a lot to think about.