The walls we build

[Monica Green]

I'm a mature age person in transition. I'm not going to say how mature. But I did learn to write with a nib and ink. Its Christmas day, and today I received a gift of enlightenment. Today I realised that I am once again vulnerable. 
Long ago when I was a young boy my mum said I could have a party for my upcoming birthday. I planned my party and was so excited that I invited everyone from my class at school. They all said they would come. So enthusiastically I kept planning and finally the day arrived. Mum had prepared lots of treats and as the afternoon rolled on. The time for friends to arrive had well past. My brothers and I had cake and way to much fairy bread and lollies. I had fun. Later that night as I went to bed. I could hear my mother crying to my dad. She had all this food going to waste as no one turned up. Though that thought had niggled me during the afternoon, I past it off as "oh,, they are just late". But as I listened to mum in the kitchen, it dawned on me. That none of my friends came. Not one. I realised how insignificant I was to others around me. 
I think that night I began to build the walls inside me to protect my heart from being hurt again. 

All my life after that I have been considered a loner. For years I would build streghten those walls. Because men didn't show emotion. Men didn't cry. Men were hard. Inside I knew I wasn't a man so I made those walls as tough as I could. I didn't want to, or couldn't show anyform of emotion weakness. Being alone was a solace to me as I didn't need to explain to anyone.  Which also came with its own penance. Strained relationships, few friends. But I was protected. 

Unfortunately as I got older cracks appeared in those very strong walls. The child within could see out and very much wanted to be out there. With nievety and enthusiasm slowly began making those cracks bigger and bigger. But always with the voice of doom as a constant reminder of the consequences for taking such actions. 

Finally one day, and I don't remember when or why. My former self layed down to rest. He handed me control of my future and wished me well. I ran outside my protection that had kept me safe for years. As I did the walls crumble away. I would never be the same again. I was free and so very happy. 

I have ruined two marriages, but I am fortunate that my four children do support me. It was my first Christmas this year and I was worse than the grandkids in excitement and enthusiasm.  That was last week. I had the best time. But today is Christmas day. I knew I would be alone. With old habits still lingering I was actually looking forward to the solitude. My morning was pleasant. I opened the present for myself that I bought and labelled from Santa. I spoke to family members on the phone. I had lunch and watched a movie. That was my downfall. When the movie was finished and I was wiping the tears from my eyes because of the romantic ending.I got up and went to the kitchen and I suddenly realised that I was alone. I was soooo alone and the first time in years it hurt. It hurt badly. I have changed so much that the thought of being alone is now frightening. That lead to a hour of tears and feeling sorry for myself. Once I had composed myself and felt better. I knew I wasn't the same person anymore. I did not want to be alone. I crave human company now and actually seek it out. I don't think females are supposed to be alone. To be separated from contact is terrible. I have changed so much from what I was. I can't be alone in this I thought. There must be at one other person out there feeling the same. So a lesson from my therapist. Write your problem down and see it in black and white. Pick the holes in it and fix it. So I started writing and now near the end. I feel I can't waste this. I'm going to post it. So to that one other person out there. You are not alone and I sincerely hope you find someone to appreciate you as you should be.

Merry Christmas everyone and thank you for listening. 

Monica. 

[Charlize]

Oh Monica i so feel the pain you describe.  I have been fortunate that the walls you describe never seemed to fully remove me from the friendships and love i need yet i know the feeling especially early in my transition.  I felt somehow like i did not fit with either the women or men.  Over time that feeling has faded.  Perhaps my time here and time with other trans folks gave me the understanding group of friends i needed.  Hopefully over time the tears you have will bring you joy and friendships.  A good cry can clear the mind.  That is something transition taught me.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

[JoniSteph]

Monica, I can relate to your story so much as it seems like I was writing it as an autobiography. 

I spent this year alone more so than previous years. I told my sons that I am self- isolating so I do not have to put up with their insincere well wishes, after the disrespecting treatment since I have come out verbally to them.

I told them both since that I live for me and for me alone. I gave the all I have for 4 decades, now it is my turn for what years I have left.

Thanks Monica for expressing what I have been feeling. Hugs Milady and be strong.

 

Big Canadian Hug to All

JoniSteph

 

[Ivy]

This speaks to me as well.  I am alone too.  My grown children do support me, but they all live their own lives - as they should.

Years ago I thought about being a hermit, but quickly realized it wouldn't work for me.  But still, I built those walls to protect myself.

I do have a romantic nature.  I would love to find a friend of any gender to be close to and share life.  But don't see any chance of my circumstances changing.  I fix my dinner and have nobody to share it with.  Sometimes it's hard to even do it.

The isolation of the pandemic has been hard.  

[Monica Green]

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

🤗

[Susan R]

@Monica Green Wow, just wow! What a powerful retrospect on one’s life. There’s few of us here that haven’t experienced that deep loneliness of being transgender and having no where to turn. I can recall at least one time in my past. I would never want to relive that moment. Your story is heartfelt and honest. I, like the others here, can feel the pain within your writing. It truly brings it to life. Thank you for sharing a piece of yourself.

 

*HUGS*

Susan R🌷

[Sol]

Hey, it's in words.

I'm not very old or dealing with the "men don't cry," but I do have experience with walls. I had some bad people in my childhood that I thought were friends, and almost got manipulated into a bad relationship. Thankfully, I've managed to learn and grow from those experiences, but vulnerability doesn't come easy. I always think if I am vulnerable, that it can be used against me in some way, so I don't risk it.

I've missed out on a lot of great friendships because of self doubt, low self-esteem, and those god forsaken walls I managed to construct. But I'm finding that I'm not alone like I thought! 

I have friends and family that support me and love me just the way I am, and I'm working to better myself through therapy and some effort. I'm no where near done, and I've only just started, but it's nice to know that those walls can go away.