A memory about coed dorms.

[Artpetal]

So in college we didn't have coed dorms at the time or place I went to school. I remember sharing a room with a guy who occasionally ate weed, let's call him Alex. Because he was very much the silent type, I wasn't sure how predictable he was or what to say around him, unlike other guys who were, say, into music or sports. Being a woman who was dorming with a man made my brain go into fear mode sometimes when it got late. This was not terror, but more of an instinctual foreboding, being in a situation that I couldn't imagine for myself. I felt exactly as a cis woman might feel around a man that she trusted but didn't know well in any way, a cis woman who could get pregnant and who might have to undergo some potentially hazardous times being with a man. It set an off-color and slightly disturbing atmosphere for my life at this time. I absolutely hated getting dressed because I didn't want to dress up or down in front of him, and our rooms were extremely small, as they sometimes are in dorms. It didn't help that at this age, it was more difficult to show poise and confidence in myself. I remember at this time none of the guys were very mature in any way. Once I went to the bathroom and I found the faucet running because somebody left it that way intentionally so I could just wonder how long it had been like that. 

 

In high school I did exactly the same thing as I did then, waited until I was actually safe to change. In high school I went to the back of the locker room behind a wall near the shower, and in college I waited until he went to class. I could afford to wait for this because I had class later than he did. Being separated against my will from all the women at school was cruel whether I had a concrete reminder of it or not. 

 

Due to a disturbingly large number of people in the mid 2000s not even having the tact or wherewithal to know a transgender woman when they met one, I can only wonder if there was gossip about me for not being with the others in the locker room. Whatever they may or may not have been saying, I couldn't face all those guys when I was growing up. Was it hell for you using the locker rooms? Was it less than that and just sort of bad?

 

I am glad some colleges allow for coed dorms in 2021.

[stveee]

It really seems like a lifetime ago, and for me it was the Army instead of college. I dissociated from myself and my feelings to survive.

I do remember when I was becoming aware of my femininity, I wore bikini briefs as they could hold in what little I already had and the feeling of having something hanging there felt bad. So I ended up going swimming with other men once and did not have swim trunks so went in the bikinis. I remember some guy said something teasing, but not threatening. I could have probably put on a bikini top and, also considering my mannerism and nature, passed from a distance. 

I did not necessarily fear men in those situations, but due to always being a little effeminate, I guess subconsciously become hyper-aware if things could turn into a potential threat.