Hi, I'm Zelaire

[Zelaire]

Hello--

I've checked into several of the resources on the main site, and I've spent some time reading conversations here in the forums. I wasn't quite sure how to start getting a bit more involved, but a post in the introductions thread seemed like a good place to begin.

I'm in the early days of figuring myself out, but like a lot of you here, I have had questions, feelings, moments, and frankly shame most of my life. I'm 46 now with a wife I love deeply and two boys--12 and 16--who mean the world to me. I should mention my wife is Japanese; we met when I was teaching English in Japan in my early 20s. My day job is in user experience design for an education technology company, and my "real" (but really unprofitable) career is as a cartoonist and writer. Nice to meet everyone.

A couple months ago I finally acknowledged to myself that I am clearly not a cis-hetero guy. That I often feel I'd fit in the world better as a woman. I've learned the term of choice for this moment is that this is when I "cracked," which is a metaphor I totally dig. It felt like that. I've started seeing a therapist who suggested it could help to find an online community to connect with, since I've not told anyone but her, and it can feel isolating to hold this by myself. From the posts here, you all seem very friendly and supportive, so I hope you don't mind me jumping in the pool.

My biggest questions right now are figuring out how to tell my wife what's going on in my head in a way that will minimize the hurt of my having kept this secret for so long (20 years married this year) and maybe minimize the risk of her deciding to leave (I don't know that she would, and I know it's her choice, but the delivery may make some difference). And I'd like to figure out if I really feel more like a trans woman or if I'm gender fluid. My dysphoria (now that I've started to figure out that's what it's been) has been deeply social but not much physical, so it's hard to say where I fall. Any advice is wholeheartedly welcome!

Thank you in advance!

- Zel (she/her)

[Ticket For Epic]

Welcome friend!  I wish I could offer advice but we are very similar boats, sans the wife and kids.  Just thought it might help to know that your are not alone in feeling the way you do.  May your journey of self discovery be filled with joy and beautiful vista's!

[Katie M]

Hi, Zelaire - it's wonderful to meet you! Like you, many of us have spent our lives trying to figure out who we are and where we need to go. You'll see from the posts and topics, that while we share many commonalities, no two paths are just alike. The WONDERFUL thing is that it's never too late to move forward once you've found the path that's right for you!

 

I'm new to this forum as well, but I've already found that the people here are fantastic and so willing to reach out with help and advice. (Including me!)

 

I hope you find what you're searching for and that you'll keep sharing with us!

Hugs,

Katie

[Zelaire]

Thank you so much, Ticket and Katie! Even though everyone's experience is unique, it really is great to know that some of our diverse tapestries have been shared by others. It does make me feel less alone. ☺️

[Ticket For Epic]

The pandemic has made finding community a little more challenging but I have found the community here to be welcoming and wholesome...  we're talking OneTopicAtATime wholesome!  (Amazing YouTube channel if you ever need wholesome representation and a giggle.  I pop over there whenever I need validation) 

[Zelaire]

I will definitely check that out--thank you!

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Zelaire, and thanks for the introduction.  I told my wife of 20 years (at the time) and it was a very difficult conversation with an uncertain outcome.  I explained everything in chronological order, from my first memories of wanting to be a girl.  It helped keeping my thoughts straight.  But after a year or so of doubt and confusion and hurt, she accepted me and we've done alright ever since.  My son (17 years) accepted me unconditionally, too.

 

It doesn't work out so well for everyone, but I say all that to point out that keeping your family together is not hopeless, and happiness can be yours.  But it takes work, and patience, luck and love.  I wish you all the best.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Zelaire]

Thank you, Carolyn Marie! Every time I read or hear about a story like this--even if it starts rough, it works out in the long run and the family bond stays tight--it's like a ray of light. 😊

[Heather Shay]

I see you've met some of the wonderful people here already. Add me to your list of Welcomers. GLAD YOU ARE HERE.

[Zelaire]

Thank you, Heather! 😁

[DeeDee]

Hi Zel, pleased to meet you!  My egg cracked after my marriage ended just before I turned 40, but I have two children 13 and 14 who have both accepted me for who I am. Good luck with your searching, I too started by wondering about whether or not I was genderfluid so I spent some time keeping a daily diary that simply consisted of whether I woke up feeling masculine or feminine, and realised that I never woke up feeling masculine. I also watched transition videos obsessively and had to admit to myself that there was likely a good reason as to why I was drawn specifically to those kinds of videos over any other.

[Zelaire]

Hi, DeeDee. Nice to meet you, too! Sorry to hear about the challenges that started out your journey, but so glad to hear about the relationship you have with your kids. And thank you for the tips! I will probably also try the diary approach, and if I'm thinking about the content I've been consuming... yeah, it leans toward trans-feminine 😅

[Mmindy]

Hey there Zel,

 

It's nice to meet you, and as you said, there are a ton of people here with a similar story. Some have had a great result working their transition into the conversation with their spouse. Some couldn't hang on to their relationship, some like myself are still working though it like a sliding scale. I'm not sure how you're going to share with your wife that you're feeling trans-feminie. I know that I certainly didn't do it right. To say my approach was a failure is a total understatement. The roller coaster of emotions that we shared, was so extreme I don't the there is a measurement. As bad as it was, my wife and I are still together, and working through it. So over all, I think you have a good chance to hold onto your family. The most important thing for my wife and I right now is that there are no secrets any more. Coming out to her was so liberating because we talk honestly, even if it's hurtful, it's honest emotions, and feeling. I am now out to my two grown children and their spouses, as well as my wife's sister, and brother-in-law. My children are supportive, on different levels. My son wants me to be happy but reserved in my appearance. My daughter on the other hand want me to paint the town Pink, White and Blue with her. Out Loud & Proud. I'm more of an androgynous soul right now.  My Suzie and I went for our first couples mani-pedi two week ago, and that was way cool. Then she booked us for a couples massage last Friday, and that was also way cool. I've notice that my fingernails are growing out, leaving gaps in the polish and my cuticles. So I asked my wife how often we should have them touched up? She looked at me and asked how long have I wanted to get my nails done? My response was 50 years. She just looked at me smiled and shook her head.

 

I believe you'll find the support here you're hoping for. I'm 65 and making a late in life transition work with a wife who has put up with me for 45 years.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Zelaire]

Thank you so much, Mindy! I truly love your story. It sounds like feeling a lack of honesty was the source of the pain, and applying it has been the balm. Would you say that's right? Thank you for sharing the details. And congrats on the spa weekend! 😁

[Nibot]

Welcome zelaire.  It was very hard coming out as genderfluid to my wife.  And we are still working through how are lives will be moving forward.  But as hard as it is, she is very supportive in my journey and we love each other no matter what.  And like my wife always says “gender is a social contstruct”.

[Charlize]

Welcome Zel.  My therapist also sugested in join an online group.  I was already a member here and was seeing her as it had been recommended in the forums.  My GT helped me with my wife and family.  I cannot say it wasn't rough to start.  We all did a great deal of crying but made it through.  My son who is your age now wasn't able to look at me 10 years ago.  We are happy together now and my grandchildren all know me as Grandie.  

I'm glad you found us.  You are not alone in this struggle.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Bri2020]

Welcome Zelaire,

I was in your boat 2 years ago. I had repressed and hid from myself until I hit 50+ years old.  When my egg cracked I freaked out and shut down because I had what most people would say is an excellent life with a wonderful wife, kids, business, home etc etc.  I didn't want to lose any of it.  Sadly, it's a very real possibility to lose everything  once you come out.  I emotionally shut down as I tried to figure out how to "deal with" being transgender.  It was hard to find and get an appointment with a GT to help me navigate things.  But for me, I knew I had to act one way or the other on this. 

Background: I've had this surface momentarily in the past and it elicited such shame, guilt and fear I quickly buried it back in my psyche. I paid a price for that with broken relationships, suicide and losing custody of my kids.

I rebuilt my life to a great place though after 15 years.

Then my egg cracked.  I knew I had 3 choices and looked at how that would play out.

1: Attempt to bury, repress and deny my true nature again.  Outcome: likely a progression of depression, loss of relationships and struggles with life and eventual suicide due to the depression

2: Hide my true nature from the world and live life as a man and as a lie.  Outcome: toxicity from lying to my loved ones, probably worsening of my depression and an undermining of the trust and truth of my marriage.  Subsequently losing those and probably suicide.

3: Come out, transition, and live my life being true to myself.  Outcome: Possibility of destroying my marriage, friendships and relationship with my family/kids. Possibility it affects my business negatively. If I lost everything or even significant aspects of my life, I might end up dead.  But it was also possible that none of that happens. People and loved ones accept me and I can live happy knowing I am able to be me.  

I chose #3 because it was really my only option for  the possibility of survival and happiness. 

As I am able to sit here and write this, it is evident that #3 worked out.  Everyone accepted and supported me. My wife was actually relieved when I told her because she noticed how miserable I had become and thought I was actually looking to divorce her.  There has been a price though.  After a year in which my wife and I tried to reinvent our relationship as two women, it became clear that as supportive of me as she was, she was also not attracted to me as a lover or wife.  We joke she gave it the "Ole college try" of becoming a lesbian or bisexual but it just didn't work.  We agreed it would be fairer if we split up and she could have a romantic relationship with a man, and I could possibly find someone attracted to all of me.  It was devastating. The thing is though, we are still best friends. Honestly, respect, love and great communication helped us navigate this.  It took about 4-6 months to come to terms with my new reality.

Moral of the story, maybe your life stays intact if you come out. Maybe it doesn't. But if you live your life and approach you relationships with love, respect, openness and honesty you give yourself the best possibility of a happy life.  It may look different (it certainly will if you decide to transition is any way). You may lose some things. You may also gain things: friendships and love from places unexpected.  I have more and better friendships than ever now. My relationship with my kids and siblings is far closer now. I have an amazing best friend by my side.  Living authentically is a powerful attractant to people.

Everyone's coming out or transition story is different. However, the only ones that have a truly positive outcome from what I've seen are those where honesty, truth and love are the foundations of a relationship. (and great communication)

Last 2 pieces of insight: Your fears of what will happen are probably grossly over inflated of reality. Fear paralyzes us, it keeps us from moving forward.  Don't let fear be the deciding factor in your life.

Be prepared for a negative outcome. Be honest with yourself about what that would mean and have a plan. (don't panic or let fear blow it out of proportion though) You live in a state with lots of anti trans discrimination laws and protections but those things are out there. Have a plan for where you can live and work if things go badly.  

I wish you all the luck and love as you navigate this challenge (but exciting) time.

Hugs

Bri

[Ivy]

Welcome Zelaire

[Zelaire]

My god, you guys are all awesome. Thank you so much, and thank you for sharing your stories and wisdom. It really means a lot! ❤️ I hope to share a bit of support back, where I can. 😊

[Sandra6sandy9sand]

Hi Zelaire and welcome. I try to take each day one at a time. I accepted that I was transgender in 2015. Since then, I have been presenting more and more feminine. My wife knows that I love wearing woman’s cloths and that I wear them all the time. She is tolerant but not fully accepting.

 

Our church is struggling with being inclusive and allowing LGBTQIA+ (I hope that includes everyone) to become pastors and perform same gender marriage. My wife and I are going to be part of a Bible study on human sexuality in the church. I hope through our discussions at home we can come together on who I am. The discussion above is correct. Be honest, open and loving.

 

Take care and hugs.

 

Sandra

[Zelaire]

Thank you, Sandra! I hope the bible study group bears fruit for you. It sounds more and more like we're all on different legs of our own journies. 

[Susan R]

Hello @Zelaire and welcome to the family. It’s a pleasure to have you here.

 

On 1/29/2022 at 9:40 AM, Zelaire said:

…figuring out how to tell my wife what's going on in my head in a way that will minimize the hurt of my having kept this secret for so long (20 years married this year) and maybe minimize the risk of her deciding to leave

Our stories have many similarities and this for me was one of the most difficult things for me to do my entire life. I made a mistake right out of the gate and waited over 2 months while on HRT before I was able to finally reveal to her my true identity. Shortly before starting HRT, I tried very hard every single evening to disclose my truth but I just couldn’t do it for fear of change in our relationship and losing both her and our children. @Bri2020 above mentions at least 3 of the options available to choose from at this point in our journey. Each of us with a spouse may need to determine what direction to take at some point in our marriage and life.

 

The thing about telling a spouse something this life changing are the many variables that can affect an outcome. It’s very much like life itself…a crapshoot. What works for some may not work for others. But there are a few things that may give you a better chance…IMHO.

 

First, be honest. Altering the truth almost always comes back to haunt us and it can severely weaken a bond between people. What takes years to build can be destroyed in no time at all.

 

Secondly, Communicate with and truly listen to your spouse as often as you can and stay civil through it all. Try to keep the lines of communication open as best you can. Early on, some spouses may strike back with a vengeance and sometimes may intentionally try to hurt you verbally and emotionally. They may blame you for many things. It doesn’t make what they say the truth and maybe not even logical from any perspective. Just hear them out the best you can. It’s is sometimes just of a knee-jerk reaction to something so unexpected.

 

Thirdly, work hard on getting your spouse to the see your journey today from your perspective not hers. To gain empathy, one must see a situation trough your eyes and understand how you got to where you are today with your decisions and your actions. Help your spouse see how this issue with gender has affected you from your earliest understanding of a problem.

 

Fourthly, Try not to explain “everything” all at once at one sitting. It’s a lot of information. What you are will end up doing within your journey is fluid for almost everyone transitioning or even questioning their gender. The ideas we have about our journey today will more than likely change in time as circumstances change. They need time to absorb what you have said and may have questions more specific at a later time.

 

Lastly, Give them grace. You will have changed their whole paradigm with this recent news. You have had months maybe years, or a lifetime to process this. They are hearing it for the very first time.

 

Some of these ideas helped me in my disclosure to my spouse but some I have learned from others in time. There is no guarantee of a positive outcome but it certainly can help if there is any possibility of acceptance.

 

I wish you the very best on your upcoming talks with your spouse.

 

Warmest Regards,
Susan R🌷 

[Zelaire]

Thank you so much, Susan. This is exactly the sort of insight I was hoping for. I don't know when the conversation will happen, but I'm already feeling more like it's possible to have than it's something to run from.

[Bri2020]

34 minutes ago, Zelaire said:

Thank you so much, Susan. This is exactly the sort of insight I was hoping for. I don't know when the conversation will happen, but I'm already feeling more like it's possible to have than it's something to run from.

Susan's advice of time and empathy are super important. But remember that from their perspective, when you transition they lose a husband, father, brother etc.  There's a reason we say "dead name". In essence, the old you dies. Your friends and family will grieve and feel the loss.  They may also feel the joy of a happier and new/authentic you, but there is still loss.  Understand this and communicate to them that you do understand that and it will go a long way to better communication and therapy sessions (you WILL need couples counselling FYI. lol)

[Ivy]

48 minutes ago, Bri2020 said:

There's a reason we say "dead name". In essence, the old you dies.

This is something to keep in mind.  

There are a lot of ramifications even for myself.  I think I am still working through this, personally.