Hi, I’m Harry

[Samuel William]

Hi all,

 

I’ve been lurking around this forum as a guest for a while now, and decided it was past time to sign up and be a part of the community rather than just an onlooker. 
 

I’m…..well, I’m still working on clarifying to myself who/what I am (let alone clarifying to others in my life!). I’m 40 years old, AFAB, and have spent the last few months dealing with a surge of desperation to explore the idea that ‘female’ has never been the right word for me - that, in fact, I’m actually a trans man and always have been, despite doing a very good job of burying it for 20+ years. I should note that Harry isn’t a name anyone in my off-line life calls me; it’s a name that calls to me as potentially the right name for the next phase of my life, so I’m trying it out here. 

 

A bit of backstory on me…..I was never a girly kid, ever - wanted ‘boy’ toys and short hair and hated dresses - and I remember this really coming to a head when I was around 10 and people started talking to me about puberty. I hated the idea of my body changing in all those ‘womanly’ ways, but of course in the 1980s/early 1990s in rural Australia there was no one around to put a name to my feelings or offer me puberty blockers. I remember learning that boys during puberty had wet dreams, and hoping that one day I’d wake up with messy sheets; I pictured my mother taking me to the doctor and then realising it was all a mistake; I was actually a boy! When I was a bit older, and knew THAT scenario wasn’t coming to pass, I daydreamed about travelling to America as soon as I was 18, getting ‘an operation’ (I was very hazy on the details of what that involved), and coming back as a man named William. I got my hair cut short as soon as I was allowed to, and - except for a brief, pain period in high school where I was forced into a dress by an antiquated uniform code - dressed as boyishly as I could get away with. I secretly liked it when people thought I was a boy because of my short hair, and remember trying awkwardly to explain why wearing skirts and dresses just felt wrong. 
 

But then, as my teens progressed, I began to give up. Reality crept in and (with extremely limited knowledge of transgender people, and living in a decidedly conservative rural area), I started pushing aside my desperate desire to ‘change’ gender. I kept my hair short, I wore clothes that teetered somewhere between what I felt comfortable in and what other people felt comfortable seeing me in, and I steered clear of all the ‘girly’ stuff which didn’t interest me….but I stopped wanting more than that (or told myself I did). 
 

I spent my 20s and 30s doing what was expected - studying, working, travelling - but I never felt right in my own skin. I gained a considerable amount of weight through comfort eating and could never figure out why I do often felt uncomfortable even in the most familiar surroundings. I was attracted to men, but never acted on that because it never felt right; I dreaded the times that people thought short hair = butch lesbian, because I knew all along that that wasn’t the right label for me but lacked the words to properly explain how I was feeling. In my 30s, I found myself primary caregiver for two chronically ill parents - and their deaths, coming within three years of each other, were the catalyst for me finally starting to ask myself hard questions about what I want for my own life going forward. 
 

To be honest, when I started asking myself those questions, I thought I’d be pondering things like whether it was time to break ties with certain toxic family members, or move to a new place, or pursue a new career path. I did think about those things, but what also came was a cascade of thoughts about gender and identity, and a flood of those childhood memories about desperately wanting to change. Over the last six months, I’ve found myself watching YouTube videos, reading trans memoirs, researching packers, reading about different types of surgeries, and feeling utterly overwhelmed by all of it. Sometimes I tell myself that 40 is too old, that I’ve missed my chance and should make the best of the life I have now. Other times, I remind myself that none of my dreams require me to be 20 years old again, and there’s no reason I can’t start fresh in any way I choose.

 

For now, I’m taking baby steps. I’m not in a position where I feel comfortable being open with family members or friends about any of this, so I’m taking it slow - buying boxer shorts that no one else needs to see, and compression tops which make me feel so much more comfortable than bras ever did; sorting through my wardrobe to steadily replace clothes which feel too feminine; educating myself; selecting he/him as my preferred pronouns on online forms; and seeking out online forums like this one. 
 

I’m not really sure what I’ll do next, or whether I’ll ever feel confident enough to come out to people I know as trans. What I do know is that even the tiny steps I’ve taken so far feel right in a way I’ve never experienced. Wearing my boxers brings me comfort in a way I really hadn’t expected. I hugged myself the first time I wore a compression top instead of a bra. I have new jeans and shirts on the way that look more like the way I want to look. 
 

TL:DR - I’ve spent 20+ years trying to ignore the fact that I’m a trans guy, and now I’m trying to figure out what comes next. 
 

Harry

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Harry.  Thank you for that illuminating and thorough introduction.  Many of us here have gone in the opposite gender direction, but our journeys sound so much like yours.

 

There is no rush for you to decide on a next course of action, or even if there should be a next course.  We certainly won't rush you.  If there are gender therapists in your area, seeing one would likely be beneficial, but it all depends on what you are comfortable with.  In the meantime enjoy participating, now that you're a member.  I look forward to hearing more from you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Welcome Harry.  I'm glad for joining in the conversation here.  It is funny how much i share with my FTM friends.  Simply having someone use the correct pronouns can be so powerful.  

Take your time to find a path to peace with your gender.  That being said your getting an earlier start than i did as a person born in the 1940's.  When i faced growing facial hair, voice changes and unwanted arousal at puberty i just tried to accept and hide the feelings i had.  We are blessed today!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ivy]

Welcome Harry

[Mmindy]

G'day Mate,

 

Harry, thank you for sharing your story here, and welcome to TransPulseForums.

I hope you find the peace in your life, and know that everyone here is willing to listen, and keep positive vibes returning to you.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Katie M]

Hello, Harry...it's wonderful to have you with us!

 

As Carolyn said, whatever direction our path is taking us, we have friendship and support here within this forum. I'm SO happy personally that I found TGP, and I think you will be too. A BIG hug from Colorado!

[Zelaire]

Welcome, Harry! You said: "and now I’m trying to figure out what comes next. " and I can say, you're not alone!

[Sandra6sandy9sand]

Welcome Harry, it’s never to late to become who you are. I’ve been working on getting Sandra out for nearly 70 years. Like you, I feel gender affirmed when I put on my panties and bra every morning. Of course you’re talking boxers, but you know what I mean.

 

Chart your path one step at a time and you will make the progress you want to make.

 

Take care and hugs.

 

Sandra