How do I know if I'm trans or not? Guidance would be appreciated!

[Manu]

So, here's the gist of it all. I'm a 24-year-old male and I've been pondering my own sexual identity for the past 4-6 months now. However, as someone with ADHD and OCD, I have a tendency to act without thinking sometimes or overblow things. In this case, these feelings I have continue to rise and fall. On some days I feel it strongly, but on other days it's just there and not really affecting me all that much.

For the past few months, I've been going back and forth on how I view myself as a person. At first it started as a way of confronting and controlling my libido (I used to watch a lot of porn) and so far has been very successful. However, it has now gravitated into this domain of uncertainty where I don't know where my interests lie anymore. Thinking back throughout my life, I've never experienced severe dysphoria in the sense that I HATED everything about myself. For the most part, any dysphoria I did experience related to health or weight or belly fat.

Though I will admit, I have begun to grow a STRONG distaste for body hair (arms/legs/chest ESPECIALLY/pubic). After I shave off the hair, I become so enamored and fascinated by the smooth, soft skin underneath, and will sometimes be disappointed when I find a bit of stubble left behind.

For a while now, especially more recently, I've been growing a greater attraction/appreciation/admiration of the female anatomy. I am drawn a lot more to female characters in shows and films and I much prefer to draw female characters. I find it much more intriguing and fun to play as a female character in a game versus a male character. For instance, in the most recent Assassin's Creed games, where you choose between a male or female character, I ALWAYS find the female character to be much more interesting and exciting and charismatic. I find male character body types to be rather boring or bland or dull. I just feel a certain kind of vibrancy/elevation/liveliness when I view a woman's body.

But one of my biggest concerns is that I can't distinguish whether or not these feelings I have are because I genuinely would prefer that body OR because my libido is perverting the female body. As stated above, I've grown up with a rather high libido, especially in high school. With my therapist, I've been able to gradually and surely subdue it, where it doesn't really affect me as much anymore.

But when I imagine myself going through the hormones, or in the FAR future, going through srs, I can't help but feel like I'm doing it for SEXUAL reasons (since I find the female form very attractive). I get turned on by the idea of having female parts, of playing with myself and so forth. Furthermore, I've never felt like "a woman in a man's body." I guess it's more in line with "I find femininity to be far more appealing and would like my body to reflect that interest, but not necessarily in order to IDENTIFY as a woman or man." I'm more on the agender/nonbinary scale when it comes to my gender identity, but I keep worrying that I would PREFER a vagina versus a penis for the wrong reasons, reasons that revolve around lust and sex and perversion.

But I want to also say that having a vagina would make things much easier in my life especially when it comes to clothing. Women's clothing, apparel, and jewelry I've always found to be far more engaging, interesting, and diverse than men's clothing. I love the variety, the styles, and just the look on the whole. But I don't want to crossdress since I don't think such attire would suit my masculine physique. But I would really like to pull off some of that attire via a woman's body, though I don't know if that's a valid reason to transition, to simply pull off attire of the opposite gender.

To sum it all up, I've never experienced severe dysphoria with my body outside of health and weight, and I feel mostly indifference with my body parts. HOWEVER, I can't help but feel a pull whenever I see a woman's body and feel an attraction/admiration to it. But I have a rather noticeable history of overthinking things, of "playing with a new video game for a week and getting rid of it after I'm done with it," of being rather impulsive. It's why I worry I'm treating this community like a club to join or something, and I refuse to move forward if that's the case. I also worry my libido is what is causing these desires and thoughts, thus rendering any possibility of me being trans null and void. But I can't help but continue to ponder myself as a more feminine individual, and if I'm being honest, I will be pretty bummed if it turns out these feelings aren't genuine.

NOTE: Apologies for the INSANELY long post. I am currently discussing all this with my therapist and she encouraged me to connect and interact with the community to better understand all this, hence why I am posting for you guys!!!!

[Jackie C.]

First off, welcome Manu! Lovely to have you.

 

So, the thing you want to do is talk to a gender therapist. That's a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues and how to deal with all the confusing stuff that comes with them. Here's the fun fact though: Cis people don't question their gender. I know that it sounds made up, but it's true.

 

The journey you're about to embark on is one of self-discovery and becoming comfortable in your own skin. A lot of us go through the "porn phase" where we're turned on by imagining ourselves as the opposite gender. Testosterone is a heck of a drug. Dysphoria can also be hard to spot. It's pathology intertwines with other problems. For example, the CPTSD that my childhood left me with has a lot of overlap with ADHD and I suffer from a lot of the same challenges. It's not necessary to experience dysphoria to be trans though. Gender euphoria is also a thing. Either one could mean that you're some flavor of trans.

 

Do you need to transition? I can't say. Some people are perfectly happy letting their girl out on the weekends. Others won't be satisfied until they have a dozen surgeries. They're all perfectly valid and part of our lovely community. What I CAN say is that finding out who you are on the inside is going to be a heck of a ride.

 

We're glad you've joined us!

 

Hugs!

[Mmindy]

Good evening Manu, 

Welcome to TransPulseForums, I’m sure you’ll find the folks here to be supportive and honest with you and your questions. 
 

I’m also from Indiana and hope you’re safe during this snowmageddon we’re getting ready for. 
 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe 

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Jackie C.]

9 minutes ago, Mmindy said:

I’m also from Indiana and hope you’re safe during this snowmageddon we’re getting ready for.

 

Speaking as someone supposedly experiencing the snowmageddon? "Meh." My driveway is basically a shlushee and it's going to be heavy to shovel but it's not so bad yet.

 

Hugs!

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

it's going to be heavy to shovel but it's not so bad yet.

Stay safe and physically aware of your excretion while shoveling snow. It’s a major issue causing heart attacks. I’m lucky enough that once we became empty nesters, my Suzie suggested we buy a snowblower. I didn’t wait for a second thought, and asked her to get in the truck. We bought one that evening 25 years ago. That snowblower died last winter, so I have a brand new one gassed up and ready to go. I also have a 10 year old neighbor who can’t get dressed fast enough when he hears me fire it up. He’s my Dennis the Menus, but in a nice way. He loves everything mechanical, so we tag team the driveways and sidewalks in our neighborhood. I do between and around cars, and other valuable yard items. He does the rest. 

 

 

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Manu.  Welcome!

 

I can't tell if you are trans or not.  I second Jackie's advice to talk to a gender therapist.  Perhaps your current therapist has contacts and can help you find one?

 

I definitely understand how gender and sexuality can get melted together into one big confusing mess.  That happened to me, and is one reason why I did nothing about it until I was in my sixties.  I have only even been attracted to women, but I also wanted to be one.  It took me a long time to be able to separate those two urges.

 

Getting professional help to sort it out will get you where you want to be (wherever that is) faster.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Jani]

Welcome Manu.  I'm glad you found us.  I agree with my friends comments but will add one thing that is important.  

3 hours ago, Manu said:

I HATED everything about myself.

Don't hate yourself.  That is too harsh of a word to use.  I understand you may not like or enjoy parts of your body or physique but those things can be fixed.  Getting into the right frame of mind is the first step.  You mention heath, weight and belly fat; all those things can be addressed to get you where you want to be.  The choice is yours!  If you look at life through the same old glasses the view never changes.  

 

Again, welcome and please join in.

 

Jani

[Vidanjali]

18 hours ago, Manu said:

It's why I worry I'm treating this community like a club to join or something, and I refuse to move forward if that's the case. I also worry my libido is what is causing these desires and thoughts, thus rendering any possibility of me being trans null and void.

 

In addition to the excellent advice above, I'd add, try not to worry about this. For one, this community has guidelines and moderators of high integrity who will interact with you if they feel you are not on the right track regarding your communication within the forums. Try to sublimate worry into curiosity. Answers will come if you patiently seek them. It is better, I think, to participate in this community to learn what you can about yourself and others rather than letting fear of the unknown stop you.