I came out to my parents, but they don't get it (need advice)

[EvenTheArtist]

I came out to my parents over the weekend (via a letter I wrote). My parents are southern, christian, and don't really know much at all about the LGBT+ community. So I was super worried, but things actually went pretty smoothly. My parents said they still love me, were proud of me for opening up to them, and ironically weren't surprised that I "feel like a boy" because I've always been such a tomboy. So fairly good. But I kept my letter to just the basics out of fear of overwhelming them with too much info. And so it just said what transgender is, that I identify as a guy (I'm FTM), and that I felt like they needed to know because I'm about to start seeing a therapist. I didn't go into detail about how I want to be called a new name and pronouns. Or how I'd like to transition and what that means. And they didn't really ask. They just talked about how a lot of people in my dad's family are gay or gender-nonconforming; so they think it might be a genetic thing. And relieved that they didn't freak out on me, I kinda just left it at that... So now I need to explain to them I want to transition; and that means new name, pronouns, hormones, and top surgery. But I'm nervous and not sure how to go about it. I've had years to learn what transition is and how it works. But this stuff is all new to them. So I was hoping to find some resources online that explain it. Unfortunately most of the videos and articles I've found about transition jump straight to hormones and the plethora of surgeries a trans person might get, and doesn't really talk about social transition much. So yeah, is there any advice anyone can give me about how to proceed? How to talk to my parents about my new name? Or resources you know of that include the social transition part? Any tips or links are greatly appreciated

[Astrid]

Hi, @EvenTheArtist! Nice to meet you.  Many of us came out via a letter to our loved ones, and I'm happy to hear that things went fairly well.

 

Here are two links regarding FtM social transitioning:

 

 

 

Warm regards,

 

Astrid

[EvenTheArtist]

1 hour ago, Astrid said:

Hi, @EvenTheArtist! Nice to meet you.  Many of us came out via a letter to our loved ones, and I'm happy to hear that things went fairly well.

 

Here are two links regarding FtM social transitioning:

 

 

 

Warm regards,

 

Astrid

 

Hi @Astrid, nice to meet you as well. I couldn't for the life of me find any videos specifically about social transition. So thank you so much for sharing these with me Very helpful.

[Charlize]

Hello Evan,  You have already made a big start towards transition.  I would suggest that when you mention a new name and different pronouns that change will not be unexpected.  At the same time i found that it took time for my family to get my name and pronouns right.  Perhaps that had more to do with habit than any issue with judgement.

Hope it goes smoothly for you!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[EvenTheArtist]

12 hours ago, Charlize said:

Hello Evan,  You have already made a big start towards transition.  I would suggest that when you mention a new name and different pronouns that change will not be unexpected.  At the same time i found that it took time for my family to get my name and pronouns right.  Perhaps that had more to do with habit than any issue with judgement.

Hope it goes smoothly for you!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

Hi, Charlize. You may be right. I thought my parents would be shocked that I was trans because I've always tried to suppress it until now. But they both said they weren't surprised to find that out. So they could just be waiting for me to mention it and I'm fretting for nothing LOL But if they do have question I'm hoping to show them some videos or articles that explain it. I don't always explain things well. Thanks for the encouragement though, and the reminder that these things take thime.

 

Cheers,

Evan

[EvenTheArtist]

Update: I talked to them about how dysphoria feels (kinda awkwardly because it's hard to be so open with people when I'm not use to it lol). And my mom actually asked me if I wanted to change my name. I told her the name I've been using online and she didn't think it suited me. But she and my dad did agree to call me by an old nickname that doesn't trigger my dysphoria. And my mom has been trying to use gender neutral pronouns instead of calling me she. My dad is taking a little longer to come around. But I'm willing to give him time. I don't expect them to fully get how much this is needed right away or change over night. I'm just happy things are going smoother than how I expected it to go ❤️

[Astrid]

28 minutes ago, EvenTheArtist said:

And my mom actually asked me if I wanted to change my name. I told her the name I've been using online and she didn't think it suited me. But she and my dad did agree to call me by an old nickname that doesn't trigger my dysphoria. And my mom has been trying to use gender neutral pronouns instead of calling me she. My dad is taking a little longer to come around. But I'm willing to give him time.

 

Wow!  That's good progress in a relatively short amount of time.  

 

29 minutes ago, EvenTheArtist said:

I'm just happy things are going smoother than how I expected it to go

 

Yes.  And it's so nice when our fears turn out to be unfounded.  The stress is a LOT less, I would venture to guess 🙂

 

Astrid

[SaraB]

That is how I wish my reveal to parents would go. Waiting til the dust settles on the divorce papers before I drop that bomb though.

[Samuel William]

@EvenTheArtist, it sounds like your parents are doing their utmost to be supportive, which is amazing. I don't know about you, but I find it easier to handle mistakes when someone is coming from a place of 'not really sure how this works, but I'll do my best for you.' (My absolute favourite personal example of that was the person who, on finding out I'm vegan, frantically searched the back of a tin of chicken noodle soup to see if it had milk in it before offering it to me for lunch. 🤣)

 

I still haven't been brave enough to even formulate a plan for telling my family that I'm trans....I don't expect violence or anything like that, but I also don't expect acceptance or understanding. Today, my sister was complaining about her teenage granddaughter (currently being angsty and moody and not wanting to speak to her dad); my sister kept saying things like, 'She's probably about to say she's decided to be trans or pan or some trendy BS like that.' And I was standing there in front of her, in my men's hoodie and men's shoes and men's deodorant and gender neutral jeans, using the masculine nickname I've insisted on since I was old enough to insist on anything, with my short hair, and thinking, Do you not see me at all? Or do you just hope that if you throw your opinion around often enough I'll 'decide' not to make you confront it after all?

 

 

[VickySGV]

A good resource for this is PFLAG (Parents & Friends of Lesbians & Gays) which actually has a great program for parents of Trans people as well.  Find the nearest chapter to refer your parents too.

 

https://pflag.org/our-story

[EvenTheArtist]

Thanks for all the advice and support everyone. It really means a lot. My dad has actually changed his tune. He is being stubborn and starting to struggle with it a lot. The other day he said "I'm not calling you anything other than "birth name" cause that's who you've always been. And I'm not calling you he either, you'll always be my daughter to me. Also I'd rather you didn't do all this changing yourself junk under my roof. Couldn't you wait till you have your own place?" (for context I moved back in with my parents after college due to financial struggles and currently am still not in a position to move out on my own anytime soon).

On a brighter note, I've come out to more of my family and so far (to my relief) it has been all posative reactions. My nephew even texted me after his dad told him and was like "It wasn't surprising when he told me that you're trans, what was surprising is that none of us ever thought of that before. Like duh, that makes perfect since!" and my brother said  he totally supported me and that "I've always kinda thought of you as a little brother anyway." It felt amazing