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Who is Chris


Who is Chris

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So, username pretty much sums it up who am I? Just come out of a 22 marriage (not my choice but due to my insecurities and feelings of worthlessness) so am seeing a psychologist. Got to put it all out there in order to fix me. One rather large aspect which I'll need to unpack is that I've always felt I was trans from an early age. Not sure if it's a 'real thing' or me overly rejecting male stereotypes. Guess that's to be seen. I am terrified that this could be the cause of my self hate as I don't know if I have the strength to follow this path. Anywho, here to engage and learn and grow and hopefully get an answer

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Welcome aboard, Chris.  It's nice to meet you.  I get the uncertainty part; I was there once, too.  But I hope that between your psychologist and what you pick up here, you'll begin to make sense of it all and can answer that question on your own.  Self hate is not a good place to be, and the quicker you get out of that, the better.  We'll do what we can to help.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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Hi and welcome Chris. I hope you'll come to realize you don't need to be fixed; you need to be discovered, whoever Chris is, and that is wonderful. I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced with the ending of your relationship. But, I admire your courage to move forward by seeking professional help and reaching out to this community. Growth can be painful, but without challenges, we cannot grow. I wish you strength, determination and perseverance! 

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Hi @Who is Chris, all my questioning started in earnest when my marriage broke apart. I found myself struggling to answer the basic question of "who am I?" once I stripped the roles we play away. It is hard, emotional work but whatever answers you find wil help you in the long run. Pleased to meet you. :) 

 

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Welcome Chris! Glad you're here. Welcome to the journey of exploring your gender. You & Your Gender Identity is a book by Dara Hoffman Fox I found helpful. They also read it on YouTube. I think you'll find the loving support, advice & acceptance here as wonderful as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

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Hi Chris

Welcome I think you will learn alot hear if you have an open mind. I think @Vidanjali said it best 'I hope you'll come to realize you don't need to be fixed; you need to be discovered'

 

Billie

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Hello, Chris! It's nice to meet you.

It's good that you're seeing a therapist, and it's definitely made my life better and I hope it makes yours better as well. As for "overly rejecting male stereotypes," I have something to relate to this.

I am an AFAB agender person. This has taken me a lot of time and mental strain to understand and accept, and I went through a two to three year stint where I rejected many feminine stereotypes. I thought the same but on the other side of the spectrum, where I thought I was just hating on the stereotypes. Turns out I wasn't! You might not be either.

What helped me the most was narrowing down what I didn't want. I knew I didn't want to be a woman, but I floundered and went back and forth and even lied when I was asked "Do I want to be a man?" The answer is no, but it took me some time to get there. That led me to realize I didn't feel like anything at all, hence I am agender. Narrowing down how I was feeling helped me, and it's the best advice I can give.

Remember to prioritize your mental health, take breaks, ask lots of questions, do your research, and have fun!

Welcome to Trans Pulse!

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Welcome Chris! I think @Vidanjali said it perfectly...you don't need fixing, because you're not broken...you just need to discover who you are and embrace and nurture that person. You've found a wonderful place to talk to others who are also on the path of discovery. Here's a hug! 💜

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Welcome, Chris! You're definitely not the only one asking themselves questions here. ❤️ Yes, wondering where it all comes from, the feelings of worthlessness, the distaste for stereotypes, a marriage in the mix, it all sounds familiar. I hope it helps to know that you're not alone! There are so many wise and helpful folks here. 😊

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So skip forward a week. Massive change, my main stumbling block was I'll never be a real woman so there's no point. Now I think I've accepted that I'm a trans woman and thats ok. Moved out of the family home into a flat (apartment) on Saturday. It's now my safe space to explore (you don't learn to swim sitting on the side looking at the water), bought myself some new clothes and male clothes aren't being unpacked apart from work wear. Came out to a sister she was super cool about it. And I've got a new name - Kat

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Kat, this brought me joy to read, I am so happy you have a safe place to rediscover yourself and explore!  Not to mention the acceptance of a lived one...and a new name?!!?! Powerful stuff!   Can't wait to hear what happens next!

 

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This is really exciting news, Kat! The path we walk can be scary at times, but it's SO worth living the life of the person we really are. I wish you all the joy in the world!💜

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On 2/14/2022 at 6:08 PM, Who is Chris said:

Massive change, my main stumbling block was I'll never be a real woman so there's no point. Now I think I've accepted that I'm a trans woman and thats ok.


I absolutely relate to this Kat!  This was a predominantly guiding thought of mine all throughout my life, and the primary reason I never opened up to who I was and stayed bound by what I thought I was supposed to be.  That feeling of knowing I simply can’t ever be an afab woman.  But accepting myself as a trans woman, or “amab woman” I suppose you could say, has been an extremely validating and constructive experience despite happening in socially, and emotionally, dark time.

 

I did something similar with clothing.  I also needed to move and used the opportunity to get rid of easily 80% of the make oriented clothing I neither felt comfortable with, nor would ever be wearing again.  I have started slowly rebuilding my wardrobe.  We have an entire topic on fashion over at 

Wonderful group of gals with some fantastic ideas, suggestions, and outfits!

 

I have found it getting easier, and more personally rewarding as each day goes by with my name and as myself.  A certain comfort I hope you can find.

 

 

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Brilliant and wonderful, Kat! ❤️ I love reading this idea you've both expressed about finding your happy and validation through this self-acceptance. So good for the heart.

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On 2/9/2022 at 4:35 AM, Who is Chris said:

So, username pretty much sums it up who am I? Just come out of a 22 marriage (not my choice but due to my insecurities and feelings of worthlessness) so am seeing a psychologist. Got to put it all out there in order to fix me. One rather large aspect which I'll need to unpack is that I've always felt I was trans from an early age. Not sure if it's a 'real thing' or me overly rejecting male stereotypes. Guess that's to be seen. I am terrified that this could be the cause of my self hate as I don't know if I have the strength to follow this path. Anywho, here to engage and learn and grow and hopefully get an answer

Hey welcome Chris! Hope you're enjoying it here and we are blessed to have you here! ❤ x

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thanks for the support. So, new update, going hard on the transition, found a doctor who would prescribe testosterone blockers and estrogen under the informed consent model. I’m  starting to see a gender psychologist next week (wpath) which I’m going to use to go through all the years of denial and doubt to see if there’s anything in it. I’m out to everyone apart from my son and at work. Still have some doubts but the way I see it the diminishing chances of me being wrong pale into insignificance against the need to chase the rabbit down the hole. Sterility won’t be an issue at my age (48) and worst case scenario would be detransitioning

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Glad to hear you are finding help Chris!  Hopefully you will find the beautiful world i found as i followed that rabbit.  Getting professional help was important to me as well in simply accepting my issues as they came.

We are here to help as we can.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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I started my transition at 48 also and I think living so many years with the suspicion and then suddenly we crack, things are much more clarified- perhaps more than we are prepared for in the beginning.

But it happened much like you, I was weighing "pros and cons" about something I really didn't have a "choice" in, and once I decided to start- HRT- things rolled along.

But there were many times of

"I am scared, I don't know where this will go, but I'm going to be OK."

HRT has been wonderful for me and it keeps getting better. Thanks for sharing your updates and welcome, sis! 

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