Dismantling my own transphobia

[Saoirse 2]

Not sure if this is an appropriate post. It is more an expression of my disappointment in myself, and a need to talk to someone.

 

As I progress in my transition, I realize how much my self-acceptance is based on aligning my external gender and apparent sex with my internal gender. And then I realize, this stems from my internalized lessons that gender not aligning with sex is wrong. I then proceed to hate myself for feeling that way and at the same time fight my sense of shame and embarrasment of my presentation. 

 

This realization is driving me crazy. It is a flaw of character I need to untangle. If I feel this way towards myself, why am I convinced I don't feel this way towards others? Why do I judge myself so harshly?

 

I feel such joy with every step I take. I have come out to all my family and friends. I am out at work and using my name and gender. I dress in clothing I like, wear make up (badly but getting better) and am practicing my voice. HRT is providing meaningful results.

 

Yet still I am paralyzed with fear by the silliest things. I went clothes shopping with my wife the other day, and I so badly wanted to try on different cute outfits. But surrounded by lovely natural cis women, I was terrified of doing so. Even though at the time I was walking through the store with full makeup (foundation, lipstick, brow gel, eyeshadow, and mascara) wearing women's jeans and a simple long sleeve women's t-shirt. My chest is small, but even through the bra, my nipples are obvious. Picking out some clothes and trying them on would not look any more out of place than I perhaps already did.

 

I may not be convincing as a woman in appearance, but I am one on the inside. And I am presenting like one, so what is wrong with me? Why do I keep hiding even when I am in plain site?

 

I wish I could talk to my therapist, but we missed one week due to an ice storm, last week since she was on vacation, and next week I am out of state. She is not permitted to counsel me when I am out of state (so stupid).

 

So I am sharing here, and I hope you don't judge me too harshly. I already do that for myself. 

 

Saoirse

 

(Forum admin: BTW I settled on a new name and am proceeding with changing it legally to Saoirse. If you could change my user name to match, I would appreciate it.)

[KathyLauren]

I think we have all been in that position.  We were brainwashed as kids.  Right up until we realized who we really were, we absorbed that stuff from literally everyone around us.  Even now that we know who we are, those influences are still around us.

 

So it is totally understandable that it would take some time for the reactions to die down.

 

Don't worry about it.  When those feelings arise, remind yourself that you belong exactly where you are.  You should be doing exactly what you are doing, just like any other woman would.

 

[stveee]

Good share! 

I try to remind myself when I don't feel I "qualify" in public:

I Look Like This,

and I am a Woman, so yes-

This Is What A Woman Looks Like. 

and smile.

[Guest]

I have to remind myself that most people don’t pay much attention to me. Even after a year of being out full time I still question if I actually can do this and are my friends and family just patronizing me when they compliment me. Then, I remember that l Taft matters is how I feel and to let the light and joy of being me shine.

[Charlize]

I think that after a lifetime of being as male as i could manage in a society that ridiculed gender change we all have issues with our internalized transphobia.  One of the wonderful things about being here is that we see so many navigating the same storm of change.  You are just at the right place but please understand it gets so much better.  A time will come when you feel comfortable and can forget the "differences" you feel.  I remember shaking and feeling guilty simply looking at women's fashion in a store.  Years later i shop shoulder to shoulder with other gals at the sale rack.  Give yourself time.  Comfortable comes with experience and we even find the ability to walk through difficulties.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

PS:  i passed on your request for a name change to the admin staff who can do that for you.  You can always message them as well when you need a change.

[Katie M]

13 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Don't worry about it.  When those feelings arise, remind yourself that you belong exactly where you are.  You should be doing exactly what you are doing, just like any other woman would.

 

34 minutes ago, stveee said:

I try to remind myself when I don't feel I "qualify" in public:

I Look Like This,

and I am a Woman, so yes-

This Is What A Woman Looks Like. 

and smile.

 

20 minutes ago, Erica Gabriel said:

Then, I remember that l Taft matters is how I feel and to let the light and joy of being me shine.

What wonderful and uplifting inspiration to begin the week! I'm SO happy that I found all of you!

[Saoirse 2]

Thank you! I needed to hear you and it helps to know that I am not alone and not so very different. I will reread each of your messages and reflect on how far I have come in such a short while.

 

I love you all!

 

Saoirse

[DeeDee]

Saoirse your name reflects your path. You have chosen freedom over fear. It doesn't mean that things are any less scary, simply that you are valuing yourself and your well being over the opinions of people you don't know. On your off days remember that validation is something society has taught us to strive for (just look at the social media platforms where chasing likes and followers becomes all consuming for some), no one is confident in themselves all of the time.

[Delcina B]

Thank you Saoirse for the post. I struggle with this from time to time, actually frequently on some days. I feel it most when dysphoric about some part of my appearance. Sometimes when working through it I think about how CIS people can feel unhappy with their appearance too. Look at all the plastic surgery that occurs. I used to loathe how I felt, looked & acted. Today I'm a lot better at self acceptance & loving me for who I am.

 

Hugs!

Delcina